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The Dagger Squad was all gathered in the living room of my Aunt Penny’s house. Mav had insisted that getting together outside of work and the Hard Deck was good for team morale and bonding or whatever. Normally they would all be outside, but given that today was one of the rare rainy days in Southern California, they were crowded on the couch and on the floor around the small coffee table that held the cards for the game of the night.
“Aw! Come on. This card is so stupid,” Jake whined, already well on his way to drunk. “It’s literally a cop out.”
“C’mon, man. What does it say?”
Jake flipped the card for all of us to see. “Never have I ever had sex,” Javy read aloud.
“Everybody drink!” Jake said, raising his glass.
“Wait- Y/N. You didn’t drink.”
I was kind of surprised anyone noticed. I hadn’t said much all game, content to listen to the chaos rather than directly participate. “I know,” I answered.
Everyone stared at me for a beat.
“C’mon. Clearly we’ve all had sex before, right?” Payback looked around, “Right?”
I cleared my thought, already knowing where this conversation was going, “I mean- I haven’t but that’s cool for you.”
“Wait!” Jake stood up, “You mean to tell me you’ve never slept with anyone?”
“No. I haven’t.”
“Why?”
“Hangman!” Several people said, similtaniously.
“What? We’re all curious.” Hangman shrugged.
Sighing I answered, “I’ve never felt comfortable enough with anyone to go that far.”
“What do you mean?” Hangman cocked his head to the side, like I had suddenly started speaking French.
“I mean, I’ve never been in a situation with anyone where I have felt like I could be naked and vulnerable like that. No one’s made me feel safe enough to go that far.”
“Never?”
“No, Jake. Never.”
“But you’ve been in relationships before.” His bewilderment was starting to get on my nerves.
“Yeah.”
“And?”
“And we’ve never had sex.” Everyone’s eyes still on me. “I don’t know what y’all want me to say. You can be in relationships without sex.”
“Do you want to?” Jake soldiered on, clearly not picking up on my discomfort.
“Be in a relationship? Yeah, I mean, it could be nice. ”
“No, no. Have sex.”
“With you? Hell no.” That got a few laughs from the group. “In general? I mean- like yeah. Eventually, I guess.”
“Are you like waiting for marriage?” Bob spoke up, suddenly flushing at his own question, “That’s totally cool if you are. I’m just curious.”
“No? It’s not like I’m necessarily waiting till marriage but I feel like the person I marry, I’ll be comfortable enough to be intimate with.” Suddenly my drink was the most interesting thing in the room, “I mean- hopefully one day I’ll like- have the whole picket fence thing, with the whole 2.5 kids and maybe a dog and stuff but- yeah.”
It was quiet for a beat while everyone was stuck in their own future daydream.
Then Hangman’s voice rang out like a bucket of cold water, “Wait- like have you ever done anything?”
“Hangman!” Natasha smacked his arm from her spot beside him.
I sighed, knowing this line of questioning was inevitable, “No. I’ve never done anything.”
“Blowjob?”
“Seriously man, You’re making me uncomfortable,” Fanboy ran a hand down his face as he spoke.
“No,” I stated bluntly.
“Receiving oral?” Payback chimed in, shocking the group.
“No.”
“Handjob?!” Coyote said, eyes wide.
“No.”
Hangman whistled, “ So, you’re like a virgin, virgin.”
“I mean- virginity is a social construct but yeah. Full virgin.”
“Have you kissed anyone?” Hangman asked.
“Yeah.” I really wanted to just sink into the couch and disappear. Why were we spending so much time on this? It’s really not that deep.
“Okay. Okay. Cool cool. That’s something I guess.” Hangman looked as though he was trying to solve a puzzle that didn’t exist, “But why? Sex is great.”
“It’s really not that big of a deal to me but if you really wanna know I will tell you.”
“Not everyone is a horn dog like you.” Bradley rolled his eyes, speaking for the first time in the conversation.
“Wait- are you like asexual?” Micky asked.
“Guys. You’re all being kinda rude,” Natasha scolded.
“No, y’all. It’s fine. I am what’s called demisexual. It’s on the asexual spectrum but-“
“Wait- you like hate sex?” Javy yelled
“Guys! No. I’ve never done it. The idea kinda grosses me out a lot. Like all the fluids and stuff,” I shuddered, “No, demisexual is where I need to be emotionally attracted to someone in order to be sexually attracted to someone. I have to feel comfortable to think about being intimate. I mean, everyone has different experiences but for me, like I don’t even think someone is hot without that emotional connection. It’s kinda weird but that’s kinda where I’m at.”
“Wait-is that why when we all were talking about who we thought was hot you didn’t say anything?” Payback asked, “I mean, even Bob had an answer.”
“Yeah. Because they literally weren’t attractive to me. Not that they could never be, I just didn’t know them.”
“You do have a celebrity crush right?!” Fanboy asked.
“Yeah, but it’s because I’ve like seen interviews and like a few different movies. I don’t go ‘oh this person has good facial symmetry, let me thirst after them’. It usually takes a while.”
“Good facial symmetry? That’s not even a thing.”
“C’mon, Jake. You only like women with perfectly symmetrical faces.”
“Do not.” He sounded offended, having prided himself on his lack of a preference, “I don’t have a type.”
“Dude you literally do. The woman at the bar last weekend. The blond was not your type because her left eye was just slightly higher than her right. An almost imperceptible difference that you didn’t consciously consider but your brain did not find her as attractive, so you spent all night flirting with her very symmetrical brunette friend.”
“You’re making this up.”
“I’m literally not. I’ll point it out to you next time. And not everyone is attracted to the same facial structure. Some people like different features or other proportions but typically people have a preference for geometric patterns.”
“Only you could break attraction down to a science,” Hangman muttered.
“It’s really not that serious.” Feeling exasperated, I looked around the group.
“So your favorite romance book tropes are friends-to-lovers?” Fanboy asked, sipping his beer.
Grateful for the change in conversation, I turned to Micky. “Yeah. Friends-to-lovers is defiantly my favorite but I also like an enemies or rivals-to-lovers because at least they have some rapport. I’m not saying that strangers-to-lovers is impossible, I’m just saying that it’s impossible for me and sometimes takes me out of the story a little.”
“Can we please move on to the next card now?” Natasha said, exasperated that we had spent so much time on a ‘cop out card’.