Work Text:
Do I deserve this?
I spoke rude to Artemis often, I pushed Beckett and Lazuli off a cliff, I was unsocial, impolite and...honestly, I like my inventions more than people.
Is that wrong of me? Is this why guilt is consuming me from the inside out? Am I more sinned against than sinning, or is this punishment for my crimes?
Right now, I am in mine and Beckett's shared room. He is constantly tinkering with the switches, turning them on and off, and the sounds are tearing my mind away—
God, I hate my misophonia. It's inconvenient, and since no one else has it, it makes me feel handicapped and miserable. Since this is my personal diary, might as well say it—
Part of me wants to be friends with Beckett. To understand each other and bond as brothers should. And the other? Wants to tear the skin apart from his flesh just to stop. the. noise. I know which part's righteous and which one's not. But I do not know which one will snap first.
Artemis is in space right now with Butler. It is their 115th day in Mars. I hope—no, I'm sure they are internally happy without me. They must be. I put up a bad impression on anyone I meet. Fowl or Butler or anyone.
They might or might not show it. But I know. I can't be polite. Ever. I am a Fowl, after all. The unsocialness, the love for isolation—it is a curse. An inherited curse. That will probably—no, it is destroying my life. Has been ever since I got a personality.
I am writing this without my glasses. They are integrated with a Fowl made AI called NANNI (Nano Artificial Neural Network Intelligence). Artemis has added emotions to it somehow. That's why I'm scared of showing NANNI this. What if she tells someone? What if she teases me for it—and makes me feel more guilty than I already am?
I remember my last words from the time I had once died. 'Do not weep for me. Weep for a world without me'. Now, I just wish I remained dead. Everyone I know would be happy in a world without me.
I wish I wasn't here anymore. I wish I was gone. But I know it can't be true. I hope surviving will not be tedious with you anymore.