Chapter Text
I can taste blood in my throat. You know that raw feeling when you’re running in the cold? Or you’ve spent the last five hours singing your favorite songs? It’s a bit like that. Metallic but - well maybe that isn’t exactly relatable to everyone. Of course, standing in the middle of a field in rural nowhere after you’ve caused thousands in property damage and accidentally sent your best friend to the hospital isn’t either so allow me to be indulgent a bit. While I hear sirens in the distance - probably a combination of every branch of emergency service, I can’t see them. It’s just me, the rolling plains, and the stars. Of course, we have a bit of an interesting relationship things considered.
I’m so tired. For as long as I could remember the will was far more tenacious than the body even if I didn’t realize it. Tonight though? I think I could pass into eternity without so much as a grumble. The cool dew of midnight tickles my skin as I lay down. This outline in the flora is my own cozy space, roots gently coiling around my limbs. It’s a funny feeling being so anchored to the Earth and yet having access to the entire palette of the universe but hey - home is home.
I’m not sure how you’re reading this other than the fact I’m certain you are and I’m twice as certain you have a couple questions. Boy, have I failed to articulate myself the past month in any reliable sort of fashion. Monkey brains have only so many avenues of expression, especially for the alien. Something tells me I have as much time as I care for, though. Let's start simple! My names Joy. It wasn’t always but that’s for later. I grew up here like basically anyone else - broke and hopeless and ill equipped to face a world that’s chosen capital over spirit. I know THAT has to sound familiar.
I think I’m going to close my eyes for a bit, but rest assured I won’t keep you waiting. It’s just the horizon ahead and physical exhaustion is making the whole being conscious thing for the birds. Don’t worry about the mechanics of it all because I have no clue either, alright? I suppose for a story proper we ought to start at the beginning. Back to that ramshackle house you could only loosely describe as a home - back to a boy with no prospects other than waiting to return to stardust before the stardust found him.
~~~
“Bro, you there? Tanks dead as hell.” There was a laugh on the other end, I think? Audio peak made it a little hard to tell.
“Oh FUCK that’s a lot of birds!” Couldn’t tell you why, but my head hurts. Migraines - my beloved.
“Hooollyy shit. That’s good, that’s good.” It’s rude to eat my corpse after you vanish, bro. “Dreaming about dick again Jaime?”
“Oh you know me.” I wish he knew more though, if I’m being honest. South’s a cool guy but - I mean that’s just sort of it isn’t it? It’s hard to be open about things with the boys. Or, one boy. In my case.
“Yeah it’s cool. Fuck I wish I was running the gamecam though.”
They’ve been getting worse lately. I don’t think I need glasses? I mean maybe it’s an astigmatism or something but I can tell you right now it’s absolute ass. Never really checked out like that before though…eh. Requires a phone call if I want any real official opinion. Maybe it’s worth it though, not like I could get Mom to do it. Love her, man, but I’m not certain she loves me more than the bottle.
“Well uh, let me drink and we’ll do it again.” In game and physically, actually. My throat was killing me all of a sudden, but sweet sweet carbonation cut through.
A lot of the run after that was pretty uneventful if you can count getting bodied and disbanded as something to be expected. I’m not going to pretend like I can heal for anything, but it’s a little hard to focus when you could be developing an aneurysm or something.
“Jaime. My guy. We need to have a chat.”
“Are you roleplay walking at me?”
“You need to stop bullshitting me and tell me what’s up.” He used /pat. This is serious for sure.
“I don’t know what you mean?” Looks like he gave up the in-game act after I stood there like a board. Kinda like how Drama went in school, if I’m honest.
“Like hell you don’t. I’m being real with you bro. You’re not like, present half the time.”
“Well we did graduate years ago so…”
“Dude. Shut up. I love you, shut up. Is it your Mom?”
I didn’t think I would be interrogated like this right after hearthing good god. Mom’s chill, even if she has a problem. Not everything has to be down to some cosmically aligned…profound…something! It can be simple as being worried my head’s going to erupt like scanners or I’m going to die alone or whatever.
“I didn’t log in to get heavy. I’m just uh, well I’ve been having these killer migraines yeah? And that last one is the first time I sort of blacked out? Anyway-”
“Go get that checked you stupid handsome bitch!” As South made sure to type ‘!’ into the chat so he would animate with it. I swear I would be ashamed to be associated with him if he wasn’t so fucking funny.
“I will, I will! I might have to. I’ve just never like, had anything serious happen to me before so I guess I’m nervous.”
“Well you’re not going to die before I do so get moving on that.”
“Yes sir~”
“Chill.”
I really don’t know what I would do without him. I think a lot of it has to do with some weird shade of positive envy? South knows who he is. Knows what he wants. Hese straight up charming. Not in like a gay way or anything but - it’s aspirational you know? I’ve always felt so nebulous - intangible like a specter. A bunch of static surrounding a core that’s ultimately hollow. Still, that’s depression for ya. Life sucks and we deal with it. We chatted a little bit while solo farming and it wasn’t too much out of the ordinary after that.
Normally I wouldn’t say the days tapped out as early as it is, but honestly I just want to go to bed. My stomach is sick and my focus is being ran through a diamond - just scattered everywhere through the facets. The floorboards creak as if my rooms just as exhausted, a jostle of the heap of cans on my desk as gravity is the asshole it typically is and keeps one for herself. See if I miss that fifteen cent return. Just going to get a last glass of water and we’re clocking in for the day.
Down the stairs I’m running on my usual autopilot. When you’ve stayed somewhere for too long it’s the spaces in between the objective that almost become fleeting - that’s true maybe here than most other houses. I’m not sure why she keeps pictures of that man on the wall, but loves a funny disease like that. Part of me doesn’t want to see the frames dusted or the hallway swept. There’s a comfort when the outside reflects the in I guess, even if I feel guilty I should help more.
“Mm, Jayjay..?” she stirred awake on the couch. I guess you’ll have that when you have the bright idea of placing it against the staircase.
“Hey Mom.” I didn’t really look at her. I already know the expression on her face and the weight on her shoulders. Often I feel it too, just this oppressive aura spilling in from a broken halo.
“You have fun..? I heard something about birds and I couldn’t stop giggling.” She snickered, her laugh a little dry from the merlot.
“Eh. It was alright, I guess.” “You guess?” I could hear her around the corner, my feet sticking to the linoleum. Kinda forgot why you wear socks on the battlefield. “You should ask yourself every day if it was fifteen dollars fun.”
“That’s a month, Mom.”
“Still crazy.” I wasn’t about to mention if it was any sounder a financial decision than drowning yourself. Maybe if I was more forward she wouldn’t be in this mess, though…
“Yeah, well, I don’t know a game you can play forever is pretty tight.” I came back with a glass of water for me and one for her.
“Oh baby, nothings forever. Is that for me..?”
“No, mom, I just feel like waking up twelve times to piss tonight. Of course it is.”
“Don’t you get uppity with me I’m still in range to slap you. Just..c’mere.” She playfully batted at the air.
“You’re retired. Now drink up. I slaved over a cold faucet for this.”
She smiled as she took the glass, half of it gone practically on contact. I lingered around to make sure. Sometimes I feel like the role reversal here is probably not exactly keno for my psyche but at the same time she didn’t start drinking until I was like, sixteen? So she did the majority of her duties as a Mom I guess. It wasn’t that weird to pass the torch as it were.
“Jaime..” I knew that tone and I didn’t want to hear it.
“Yes Mom. If I hated you I would tell you.” How many times do we need to go over this?
“I just..there’s days I thank god you turned out to be such a kind and considerate boy.”
“Mom, it's a lack of access rather than a moral thing. Not a lot goes on in the middle of nowhere fast.”
“Yoooouu~ can find anything if you dig a deep enough hole baby. I just never wanted-”
Her voice became screeching. My temples throbbed and I swear I could taste the waves of bruised purple in my mouth. It stung like my lungs were full of floor cleaner as the world became nothing but ringing. I tried my best to act cool but I dropped my glass of water, shattering as the pain in my head caused me to sink down and grab my hair for any level of anchor.
“Jaime!” I wasn’t ready for that sudden sobering up. Normally getting off the couch requires a little elbow grease, but to her credit she was over in an instant. “Come on baby. Just focus. Tell Mama what’s wrong alright!?”
I wanted to answer her, truthfully, but right now I felt like death would be a suitable alternative. I felt locked inside of myself and the pain had become so persistent that it stretched beyond time. Like it had always been with me and soon I wouldn’t be HERE anymore. I don’t know where the alternative would be, but my bottom jaw only chattered as I tried to speak.
“I-I’m going to call emergency you..don’t worry about the glass okay? I’ll get it a-and..”
“That won’t be necessary." I think that was me speaking. I don’t remember thinking the words.
“Oh my- Jaime you scared the hell outta me! Don’t you go doing that!”
“A little too much screentime. A little too little sleep. I think it would be in our best interest to fix the latter, don’t you?” Existence was coming back into focus, but I was a passenger.
“Well, it was an awful lot of excitement.” Mom yawned. Her face was uncertain, but somehow she was willing to let this slide. “But you’re callin’ a doctor.”
“Yeah. Already planned on it, don’t you worry about a thing.” I smirked? Someone smirked.
Here I was, left with a return to my faculties with a broom in my hand. It still felt like everyone one of my nerves were on alert for some unseen predator that left as soon as it came. Maybe I could blame the whole suggestibility thing on the fact Mom’s drunk, but what the hell was that in the first place? I don’t think I’de ever swept so fast in my life - depositing the glass in an open cardboard box because there was no way in hell I was going to wait to find the trash.
I’m genuinely losing my mind. That’s all there is to it. A tumors taking window seat in my brain or it’s a splatterhouse in there. I don’t know. I want to go to the hospital now but I don’t need it. I’m feeling a case of mortal peril that will dissipate, given time. Bed felt like the only sensible option but how can I expect sleep to find me? I’m actively dying and I keep reassuring myself it’s okay! I formed a blanket cocoon and rolled myself tightly. Normally, I enjoy the feeling of the cool air through the window seal but tonight I feel like it would brand me like a hot iron.
Sadly for me sleep has always been so illusive. I can lay here all I want but it isn’t going to swoop in until after I can breathe again without feeling my chest heave. I’ve spent too many nights learning you can grip a mattress so hard you bleed under the fingernails and sobbing to a god that isn’t listening. Tonight is harder than others however, and I wish I left the nightlight on. I’m not afraid of the dark but sometimes in the interim I like to just watch the patterns on the ceiling. It’s one of those ugly looking…bump ceilings with the textured spirals. They’ve become rather comforting over the years if only as something mindless to observe.
The world at the least was coming back into vision from the tunnel I’ve felt trapped in. We really don’t thank the periphery enough. I guess I have tomorrow figured out at the least. Well, today judging by the clock. If you’re one of those people so insistent on being technical past the hour of midnight we aren’t friends man. Everything's so relative. Malleable when you take that step back. I think I’ve talked to myself for so long I’m getting third man syndrome - not that you’re hurting anyone by finally taking the time to listen.
“Can I finally chalk schizophrenia on the list of shit I have to deal with?” I feel like an idiot, but I guess I never reported to be smart. If I was smart I’de be in a dorm or something right now. Took a fling to the West Coast- maybe just drown myself in the sea.
Not unless you want to. Don’t take my advice too seriously, of course. I couldn’t help but laugh. I think they did too - but man was it tired.
“I just want to stop falling apart.”
Then pull yourself together.
“Excuse me? Do you not think every single god damn day isn’t an exercise to do just that?” Didn’t expect to nag myself today tonight for a little cherry on top but here we are.
It’s running. For someone who doesn’t work out you sure don’t skip cardio. Funny being on this side of the conversation, actually! I’m not telling you to stop, we can’t yet. I am simply speaking from experience.
“Well I’m telling you to fuck off. I’m tired, I’m going to bed. In the morning I’m calling a doctor and-
The doctors aren’t going to help you! Jaime, you're not going crazy. You aren’t. They seemed agitated at that.
“That’s all the proof I need to know that I am, cool. Good talk buddy.” I turned away but I’m certain that doesn’t actually matter. I’m pissed, damnit!
There was silence for a while. I’de say it was hard fought but there was a part of me that ached to be reminded I wasn’t alone all the same. When it didn’t come I didn’t feel triumphant. I was scared, but at this point I just wanted to write it off or at least take a rain check. Moments can drain hours if you let it. When the black came I welcomed it, finally succumbing to the breath of night.
The morning sun trickled in through the window, the dust dancing in celebration in the light shaft. No voices and my head feels fine, no lingering feelings of a black out or whatever. Maybe bottling up everything does have negative consequences, huh? Just sort of shatters and now your feet are bleeding trying to fill a space you no longer can. Muscles ache and for a moment I’m painfully aware there’s a skeleton inside of me as I try to crack them out. Feels like every day is an achievement and black mark both.
Going downstairs for a cup of coffee Mom’s more or less where I left her. She must have chosen the armchair over the couch after the excitement. I doubt I could wake her even with mic feedback or a chalkboard but I’m quiet regardless if only as a formality. If you wanted to make small talk about what kind of coffee I like I couldn’t tell ya. We just sort of buy what we can afford and throw it in the same container. All taste’s the same to me, and in the middle of the routine I can’t help but look at the phone.
We still have a landline. One day I’ll bother to get a cellphone when I have more friends or uh, less I guess. Then again I don’t really have a lot of an online presence outside of “Chronically Distracted Druid” online so. I wanted to call the doctor. I’ve made plenty of calls before. They suck and they are awkward and make me want to call it a day but I’m not adverse to it either. What keeps irking me is the words from my silly little breakdown last night. Do you listen to your best friend and dear mother or the manifestation of crippling anxiety you’ve had distressingly few conversations with?
When the phone leaves the receiver my thumbs etching the pattern but I’m not exactly thinking about it. I wait for the dial, expecting a canned reception desk message or something. Instead, it’s South on the other end of the line. God Damnit.
“Uh, hey. Can I do anything for you? Little early to log in buddy. I got applications to sort through.”
“No, no uh…” why did I call him? I don’t know. “I was just seeing what you were up to I guess.”
“You know the answer to that man. It’s no secret I’m broke as hell. We’re broke as hell, by the way. I saw this opening at-” There he goes again. I know he means well, but man does the idea of a job sound like the exact opposite of helping me lately. Gonna take worker’s comp on my first day after passing out and conking my head on the water cooler or whatever employed people do.
“I don’t think I want to discuss having a job. I just, hrm. Later do you want to just chill a bit maybe?”
“Huh? Like, face to face. Fleshin’ it?” Bro’s got that whole teasing surprise thing down pat. “Yeah I could be down, it's been ages. I gotta pick up Line from work anyway.”
“Your parents should be in jail, dude.” Of course, it was a relief to think about removing myself from all of this.
“What ya gonna do? North would have been way sicker though. Has that fuckin’ Viking Energy.”
“I’ve seen you try to grow a beard, man. Maybe the whole Southern toothless grandpa thing was the play.” I chuckled mid-sip and started to cough.
“I don’t wanna hear it. Your composure cracked bro. I win.” The shuffling of papers in the background confirmed that yes, hese a step ahead of me.
“Whatever. I’ll see you later North.” Yeah, no that rolls off the tongue like a spur.
“Chill. I’ll see you then Jaime.”
Alright. So don’t panic but the plans already backfired. Not entirely sure if that was an excuse or a true expression of my needs but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. I haven’t left the house in some time and some air that isn’t filtered through antique slats would probably do me some good anyhow - the doc can wait I guess. A shower is a definite if only so I can blend in a little better and not be a dead giveaway in polite society.
I can hear Mom start to reanimate as I stand in the water. It feels nice, actually, after the excitement of everything. It’s not that I hate showers in the first place, it's just hard to make yourself when you have nowhere to go anyway. It’s a coin flip whether Mom will start breakfast or not. It’s one of those chores where it’s pretty much who has the strength to do it. It’s kinda nice to just watch the water pool at my feet and remember this is all real.
I’m only really stirred when I feel the fire die and the water rapidly begin to cool. The water droplets are like white noise and sometimes it’s easy to just be present to the point of entering some state of serene stasis. That’s enough of that I would reckon. I also need to pick out some clothes, and I forgot to bring them in with me. Normally I'd scold myself but eh, maybe I do deserve a little grace what with the whole psychosis thing. I do kind of miss them though. Maybe they should take the wheel honestly - couldn’t fuck it up anymore than I have.
Pulling up a sock that looks vaguely enough like it’s sister pair I smell something from the kitchen, so score for exhausting as little energy as possible. I left her about a cup or two of coffee just in case. Better than dropping eight bucks at a diner for sure. It’s been a while since I’ve talked to Line. She’s really nice, but, kinda always in the background of me and South’s relationship I guess? Like I feel we could hang out one on one and it would be a nice time but it also feels kind of weird when it's your friend's sister.
Either way, let's make today fun or at least a really cool distraction. No migraines, no passenger, just me and my bud and his sister who may also be my bud. That’s a 100% increase in friend count if you think about it. With any luck I can get the confidence to finally do something about, well, all of this. I’m not ignorant that this hiatus from life is both not sustainable and crushing. A suffocation born from apathy and fear and I’ve been waiting to take a leap anchored only by my tiptoes. Let’s lose that final centimeter.