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Neither of you could ever exist in such a universe, you understand?
The thing is…
The thing is… God lied.
~*~
Dinner flew by. The two men were all shy smiles and flirtatious glances as it came to a close.
Professor Crowley was wrapping up taking care of the bill, when Asa Fell’s mobile started going off. Loudly. At full volume.
If you happened to be someone with a discerning taste in classical music, you might notice that the ringtone played a short segment of Shostakovich: Symphony No. 5 in D minor, Op. 47 over and over. On repeat.
“Oh dear,” Asa said, briefly making a face as he saw the contact information light up on the mobile screen. He quickly muted it and set it face down on the table. “Sorry about that.”
“Lovely song,” Crowley added dreamily, not bothered by the disturbance in the slightest. “Sounds familiar, but I can’t quite place it.”
“Oh, it’s—” And then the supposedly silenced mobile was vibrating along the edge of the table. The two men stared at the offending device.
“Perhaps you should take that, Asa,” Crowley suggested.
“I don’t want to be rude, Anthony.”
“It’s fine.”
“I’ll be very quick,” Asa said as he picked up the still buzzing mobile. “Hello?”
Crowley watched as a range of expressions passed across Asa’s face, finally settling on creases of worry.
“No. Yes, that’s— No. no. I understand. Thanks for letting me know.”
“Everything alright?”
“That was my landlady,” Asa grimaced slightly, looking up almost apologetically for the interruption. “There’s been a gas leak in my flat. I’ve been told not to come home for possibly a couple of days.”
That sad look on Asa Fell’s face had no place in this universe.
“You can stay at my place if you like,” Crowley said softly.
Asa’s eyes widened. “We only just met!” he sputtered. “I— I couldn’t possibly impose…”
“It’s no trouble,” Anthony said, offering a gentle smile to his dinner date. “Besides, feels like I’ve known you forever anyway.”
“Oh? Well, if you are absolutely certain.” Asa said, eyes brightening. And oh, that was so much better.
~'*'~
“Is it far?” Asa Fell asked, as the two walked side by side, shoulders gently brushing as they exited the restaurant. “Your place?”
“No, no,” Crowley reassured. “It would be a bit of a long walk, but we can take the bus—” He looked up from his date’s captivating eyes to be met with the sight of said bus. Already at the stop. About to pull away.
“Oi, that’s our bus!” Suddenly Asa was pulled along by a strong hand grasping his own.
By some miracle, the bus doesn’t pull away until they are onboard. And Asa Fell found himself missing the warmth of the other man’s hand as soon as he lets go.
“Thank you again,” Asa said as they both settled into their seats, thighs touching in the cramped space. “For dinner. And for all this.” He couldn’t remember the last time he felt like this. So naturally pulled towards another person that it might as well have been gravity. Surely he must have done. It was comfortingly familiar like a distant memory.
Like coming home.
Crowley’s smile was glowing as the other man’s hand nudged his own until their fingers intertwined. A blush formed on his cheeks nearly the shade of his hair.
They briefly glanced away from each other then, watching the world pass by outside the bus windows, sitting in this moment of infinite possibility.
Asa Fell’s heart fluttered as Crowley gently squeezed his hand back.
~*~
In some ways, Professor Anthony Crowley’s home looked exactly how Asa imagined it would.
In other ways, not so much.
It was small, with modest furnishings. Several lopsided bookshelves were filled to the brim with a mixture of textbooks and loose academic papers. A stack of exams teetered dangerously on the edge of a chair as if they had been haphazardly thrown there. Various houseplants of all sizes littered all corners of the room and the entryway. A picture-book on gardening lay flat on the coffee table.
There was a large black snake in the floor.
“Oh, my goodness!” Asa Fell yelped, taking several steps back.
“Shit. Sorry! Sorry!” Crowley said, rushing over to soothe his startled date. “An escape artist, this one. She won’t hurt you. Promise. All right?”
“Tickety-boo!” Asa replied shakily as Crowley moved back to kneel in the floor and pick up the snake.
“How did you get out this time?” He questioned gently, as if the reptile was an unruly child. “I distinctly remember leaving you in your tank this morning.”
Once he finally got over the initial shock, Asa moved closer, filled with curiosity. Crowley had not mentioned owning any pets over dinner.
Oh. As he turned his head at different angles, the way the light hit the snake’s scales revealed a striking iridescent rainbow of color, fading in and out almost like the twinkling of stars.
It was then that Crowley looked up, noticing that Asa’s initial fear had dissipated and turned to wonder.
“Asa, would you like to pet her?”
He nodded and reached out, gently moving his fingers over the shimmering scales. The skin was so much smoother than he would have thought. The sensation gave him a sense of déjà vu, but when would he have touched a serpent before?
“What’s her name?”
“Alpha Centauri,” Crowley said, shrugging. “But, bit of a mouthful, that. So these days I mostly just call her Noodles.”
“Hello, Noodles,” Asa said smiling.
~'*'~
Noodles was carefully set down to slither about the sofa while Crowley gave Asa a tour of the rest of the flat.
It was obviously well lived-in. The walls had barely a blank spot to be found. Asa Fell noted that every inch was covered with some interesting art poster or other, mostly detailed photos of space. One was noticeably new though. Not a speck of dust in sight.
“…and this one’s my new favorite,” Crowley said, gesturing proudly at the poster on the wall. “The latest capture of the Pillars of Creation, thanks to the James Webb Space Telescope.”
“Would you look at that,” Asa said softly, eyes shining in wonder. “It’s beautiful, Anthony.”
The detail was astounding. For a moment, they stood side by side, simply marveling at the vastness of the universe from the quiet comfort of Crowley’s flat. And then Crowley smoothly brought an arm up around Asa Fell’s shoulder, slowly turning them to face each other.
“Look at you,” Crowley said softly, taking Asa’s hands in his own and leaning in. “You’re gorgeous.”
From the first brush of lips they melted into each other. Two stars in an infinite orbit once again crashing together only to burn brighter.
The kiss was short and sweet. They parted all smiles and gentle squeezes of joined hands.
“Too fast?” Crowley asked, eyes shy, yet hopeful. Heart pattering away.
“Not at all,” Asa Fell assured, visibly blushing.
Crowley smile widened at that. “So,” he said at length, glancing about the room. “Evening’s still young. Can I interest you in anything to drink?”
“Yes, Anthony, that would be lovely. Thank you.”
Asa had a fond look as the other man rushed off to the kitchen calling back, “I hope you like wine from Tesco, because that’s all I’ve got at present.”
~*~
A short while later, they were crowded together at one end of the sofa, a couple of glasses deep in conversation when Crowley said, “You what?”
“It was early days,” Asa said, taking another sip of Tesco Red. “I was a young man.”
“But a fencing team?”
“It was jolly good fun.”
Crowley made a skeptical face, adjusting his glasses. “I’m having trouble picturing you waving a sword around,” he said, nudging his shoulder against Asa playfully. “You look like such a perfect angel.”
“I do not,” the other man scoffed.
“You do,” Crowley drawled. “You look like you’ve never done anything wrong in your life.”
“And you have?”
“Well,” Crowley started, swirling the wine in his glass around.
Asa was curious now. “What did you do?”
“Noodles.” Both men turned to glance at the snake currently trying to hide under the pillows on the opposite end of the sofa. “Not technically my snake.”
“What?”
“I may have borrowed her from the biology department a few years back and just— never returned her.”
“Scandalous!” Asa Fell said, grasping at his chest dramatically.
They laughed together, then, at the absurdity of it all, leaning further into each other’s space, hearts filling to the brim. Asa and Crowley were warm and alive and had had quite a lot of wine to drink—but not too much. But enough that they didn’t notice that the snake had migrated to their side of the sofa.
“Ah!” Asa Fell yelped suddenly, startling nearly all the way into Crowley’s lap.
“Noodles!” Crowley scolded, scooting the snake away. She had tried to slither underneath the other man’s shirt. “Stop trying to get into Asa’s clothing.” He said, then looking into the other man’s eyes and winking mischievously. “That’s my job.”
Crowley delighted at the gorgeous blush that spread high on Asa’s cheeks.
“I think,” Asa Fell said, bringing a hand up to cup Crowley’s face. “I should like for you to kiss me again.”
The second time was even better. And the third.
And the fourth.
It wasn’t long before Asa had Crowley pressed into the sofa, their bodies curling around each other, holding hands as they kissed slow and deep.
Asa sighed, content. “That was nice.”
“Nice?” Crowley repeated, eyes searching.
“Mm, hm.”
They leaned their foreheads together, breathes mingling.
And then Asa’s mobile started going off again.
Crowley frowned at the loss of warmth as the other man leaned away to fetch it.
“Landlady?”
“No no. It’s—oh it’s silly.”
“What?”
“It’s almost midnight and Duolingo is alerting me that I’m about to loose my streak.”
Crowley broke out into an amused grin, and his eyes were fond. “What language are you learning?”
“French. But I’m not very good at it.”
“I’m sure that’s not true. Can’t do anything wrong, remember, angel?” The endearment was honey on his lips.
“Now you’re just teasing me.”
“Never. Try me.”
With a look of determination, Asa Fell sat up straight, looking directly into the other man’s eyes, and gathered their hands together tenderly. He took a few steadying breaths before he eventually spoke.
"Je suis, um, crois-yu au premier ah amour? Um. Premier apercu. Parce que je pense. I think. Je peux deja. Je n'ai jamais ressenti cela auparavant. Amour romantique. I um. J'espere que tu m'aimes aussi.” [1]
Crowley’s attention hung on every word, letting the words hang in the air for a minute before asking, “How long have you been learning?”
“Two years.” Asa replied, looking away, quickly tapping at the mobile screen trying to speed through one quick lesson before midnight.
“Sounded very convincing to me. Convinced. That’s what I am.”
"La plume de ma tante." Asa said at the mobile, repeating the text on the screen.
"Do you even have an aunt?" Crowley asked then, a cheeky grin.
“You understood me!” Asa Fell exclaimed, flustered.
“I did."
[1] I... do you believe in love at first sight? Because I think... I do. I can already tell. I've never felt anything like this before. Romantic love. I... I hope you love me too.
"I fear I've made a fool of myself."
"You haven't. Actually. I feel the same."
"You do?"
Crowley nodded slowly.
The mobile was quickly abandoned to clatter into the floor as they both wrapped their arms around each other in another passionate kiss.
~'*'~
"You're yawning, Asa," Crowley accused, leaning his head onto the other man's shoulder.
"No I'm not," Asa insisted. He very much was.
"Am I that boring?"
The two men were cuddled up on the sofa, a blanket loosely draped over them as some sappy romance film played softly on the television. It was somewhere between the middle of the night and extremely early in the morning.
"No, Anthony, it's just far past the usual time I turn in."
On the film, the two leads had just escaped a sudden rainstorm and were standing under a soaked canopy, sopping wet and staring into each other's eyes.
"Fine, fine. You can have my bed, I'll take the sofa—but you can't miss this bit—" Crowley said gesturing excitedly at the TV. "They're about to vavoom."
There were several things Asa Fell had to say about that statement, but he settled on, "Vavoom?"
"Yeah, you know. Vavoom."
Asa chuckled. "I know, I just didn't realize this was that type of film."
"It's not—"
"Who says vavoom?"
"People! Loads of people!" Crowley insisted, throwing hands dramatically.
A beat. Two.
"You don't have to take the sofa, Anthony."
Crowley met Asa’s eyes then. "Oh?"
"Well, for one I would hate to disturb Noodles. She just looks so peaceful."
Sure enough, the half-forgotten snake was curled up in a ball at the furthest end of the sofa.
Asa could almost swear she was snoring. Do snakes snore? Maybe ones that reflect the colors of the universe do.[2]
“Are you absolutely sure?” Crowley asked slowly.
The noise of the television faded to the background as the images of the lovers vavoom-ing away flashed across the screen.
“Come to bed with me, Anthony.”
~*~
“Do you do this often?” Crowley asked playfully between kisses as they finally made their way to his bedroom. “Tempting strange men to dinner and into bed.”
“You’re not strange,” Asa Fell chuckled, then pausing, taking notice of something out of the corner of his eye. “But that is.”
Crowley raised an eyebrow then turned and, “Oh, for— Ngk. I forgot I had that in here.”
Atop Professor Anthony Crowley’s chest of drawers sat a very striking statue of two winged figures in a somewhat questionable position.
“Kind of hard to miss,” Asa said pulling them both closer to the sculpture to get a better look. It drew him in, reminding him of something just out of reach. Just because there was no Heaven or Hell to meddle with the cosmos anymore didn’t mean that people didn’t revive the memory of it all on their own. It was all still there. Same molecules. Matter cannot be created or destroyed, only temporarily rearranged.
“I don’t do this often,” Crowley said. “Bringing someone home.”
“Neither do I.”
Now Professor Crowley wished he spent more time tidying his living space. It’s not everyday you meet the potential love of your life, and they get hung up on your interior decorating choices in the middle of trying to undress each other.
“Let me guess, Anthony, you borrowed that from the art department and forgot to give it back?”
“That’s— actually surprisingly close.”
“Really?”
“Student of mine was also taking a sculpture class. She gifted me that as some sort of bribe for better marks.”
“Did it work?”
“Nope.”
Asa focused again on the statue. “So, are they fighting or—”
“Oh, very much the latter.”
“Ah.”
“Speaking of, where were we?” Crowley flopped onto the bed, beckoning Asa to join him.
“Yes, yes, Just a tick,” the other man said, glancing around as if searching for something in particular, finally settling on a houseplant in the corner which he immediately picked up. “May I?” He asked arranging it just so that the leaves blocked the art piece from view. “I’m sorry, it was just very distracting.”
“Then, I shall aim to be even more so,” Crowley said, finally pulling Asa onto the duvet, and sealing their lips together once again.
~'*'~
There was a moment in the dark.
Shared breaths panting. So human. Hurtling towards enlightenment. Reaching for something more. Connection.
Adrift in the cosmos, two more pieces of star-stuff—formed before there even were stars—clicked back into their original places. Why bother creating an entirely new universe when you have perfectly good molecules left over from the last one?
Crowley experienced it as a sort of blinding joy, nebulea of color bursting behind his eyes before fading away.
For a moment Asa’s vision went white, and he saw a dreamlike landscape that held nothing save for two sets of beating wings, one black, the other white, just out of focus.
It was all there, for a fleeting moment.
Complete.
The room was spinning.
~*~
Asa Fell startled awake with the distinct feeling that he had both re-remembered and re-forgotten something of great importance.
Sunlight filled the unfamiliar room, and it took him a moment to recall the events of the previous day. The only sound was a soft snoring at his side.
Asa looked impossibly fond as he took in the other man’s peaceful, handsome face.
“I hope your dreams are filled with whatever you like best,” he whispered, not wanting to wake his lover, feeling as if he had said it a thousand times before.
Settling back onto his pillow, Asa spent a few moments just watching Crowley sleep, letting his eyes rove over every inch of skin peeking out from the covers. Asa spotted a tattoo that he hadn’t noticed the night prior—he was, to be fair, busy with other things. It was a very small minimalist-style snake placed right over his heart. Asa made a mental note to ask him about it later.
“Good morning,” Crowley said, catching Asa Fell staring.
“Oh! Good morning,” he smiled back, twirling a piece of his hair.
Crowley squinted at a nearby clock, humming. “I would offer to take you to breakfast, but we’ve almost missed lunch.”
“Really? That late?” Asa’s eyes widened as he spun around to reach for his mobile that by some miracle made it to the bedside table.
Crowley sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “It’s Saturday, I forgot to ask— you don’t have work today, do you?”
“Oh, dear,” Asa said with a tinge of disappointment, frowning at his mobile screen.
“Would it help if I bought more books from the shop?”
“It’s not that, Anthony,” he sighed, turning his mobile where Crowley could see. “I lost my streak in Duolingo.”
“Aziraphale,” Crowley said, after a moment.
“What's that?”
“Your username on the screen there,” he said, pointing. “Aziraphale. I’ve heard it before. Somewhere. I think.”
“I don’t know how you would.”
“Why? What does it mean?”
“Well, it’s my name— after a fashion,” he explained. “I, of course, attempted to sign up as Asa Fell but that was already taken, so needs musts.”
“Right,” Crowley said, beginning to wonder why they were talking about mobile apps instead of the fantastic sex they had last night.
“I think it’s pretty,” Asa insisted, the light from the window illuminating his features with a soft glow as if making a point.
“I agree,” Crowley nodded, leaning in and stealing a kiss or two. “Aziraphale is very pretty.”
Asa’s heart fluttered then, like distant beating wings. “I— last night was magical.”
“No magic involved, angel,” Crowley grinned, waggling his eyebrows. “Just pure skill.”
“You’re being silly.”
“You like it, though.”
“I do,” the other man beamed, suddenly struck by a brilliant idea. “Anthony, how would you feel about ordering in?”
~'*'~
The thing is…
The thing is… back in the first version universe, before it all got rearranged a bit off-center and to the left, Agnes Nutter wrote a second manuscript of prophecies.
Anathema burned it before reading past the title page: Further Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Concerning the World That Is to Come, Ye Saga Continues.
What Anathema didn’t realize, is that even if she had bothered to read it, some of it wouldn’t have made any sense. Not to that universe, anyway.
It predicted things such as, a Professor of the stars would, after the conclusion to a very satisfying date, offer a “Lift home, angel?” —momentarily forgetting that he didn’t actually own a car.
That in 1941, London, a man with hair like fire would happen upon a blond man and his books trapped in the rubble of a collapsed building, stopping to pull him free.
And that two very similar looking men actually shared crêpes in the middle of late 1700s France.
To more recent events, it foretold that the same Professor of the stars discovered that yelling at his houseplants after a particularly tense department meeting was not only cathartic, but he could almost swear it made them grow better.
Regardless of the era the two met, the memories more often than not clicked into place once they visited a museum—or whatever equivalent existed at the time— and saw their likeness throughout history repeat again and again. Sometimes as men, other times as women, a mix of both, or neither. It was them.
It was them.
It was a nice day as Asa Fell and Professor Anthony Crowley planned their next date. Really, all the days had been nice. There had been rather more than 5.04x1012 of them so far, and for Aziraphale and Crowley—Ye saga continues.