Chapter Text
On the first morning of the Culinary Crucible, Sept Veri was prepared to sleep in. He didn’t plan on participating in the crucible, it wasn’t his turn to care for the flamingos or hedgehogs, he had no early classes, and he’d taken precautions to ensure that he wouldn’t be breaking any of the Queen of Heart’s rules. Nothing should’ve interrupted his morning of rest and recovery, so of course something did. Namely his cell phone, which has been ringing obnoxiously for the past minute or so.
He groaned as he grabbed his phone from his bedside table and silenced it quickly, lest he disturb the others in his room. He only allowed notifications from Spinelle and Perla, his two closest friends, to break through his do not disturb, so this had to be from someone important. And indeed it was. By taking a quick glance at the contact photo, he could barely make out a blurry light purple icon, meaning it was from Perla. He closed his eyes, the bright light of the screen proving too much for them to handle. What was she doing up? Surely whatever she needed could wait for a little, right? He had just placed his head back on the pillow when his phone vibrated from receiving yet another text. This time he actually opened the app to read them.
Perla: HOW DARE FREAKING AZUL RATE MY TOFU HAMBURGER STEAK A ONE
Perla: I NEED YOU IN THE LOUNGE NOW
Hamburger steak… so that’s why she was awake. She must’ve signed up for the crucible along with Jade and Lilia. Sept placed his phone on the bedside table and begrudgingly rolled out of bed, blankets falling to the floor in a pile with him. Since it seemed like he wasn’t going to get back to sleep, Sept figured he might as well see what was going on. He stood up, stretched, balled up his blankets and threw them back onto the bed. Let the Housewarden lecture him about it later. He was far too tired to be any sort of organized right now. After digging through his bureau for a minute, he managed to find a uniform that wasn’t too dirty, so he threw it on before stumbling into the bathroom in search of makeup. His own face paint had run out the other day, and he was too lazy to go out and get more, rather opting to borrow some from his roommate. After doing some eyeliner, mascara, and a bit of lip gloss, he quickly painted a large spade over his left eye and half-ran half-tripped out the door.
***
The walk to the Monstro Lounge was short thanks to the portals in the hall of mirrors, but by the time he got there, he had the sinking feeling that he’d already taken far too long.
Sept could already hear the classy jazz music spilling out of the lounge before he had gotten within ten feet of the entryway. It contained only a sparse scattering of students, not too strange for this time of day, since most had schedules packed to the brim with little time for leisure. That ended up working in Sept’s favor, as he didn’t particularly feel like dealing with crowds at the moment. They were more of an evening thing for him. “The seven of spades is here,” he declared as he threw open the door and walked up to the bar, throwing in a wink for an imaginary camera.
Floyd turned not only his head, but his whole body away from the dishes that he was reluctantly washing to get a look at the newcomer, causing soapy water to spill over the sides of the sink.
“Heeeeeeyyyyyyy Salmon! Didn’t expect to see you up this earlyyyyy. You lookin’ for Flapjack Octopus?”
“I sure am! And I suppose you’re looking for a way out of those dishes too?” Sept knew better than to ask for free stuff from the members of Octivanelle. He figured it was better to cut to the chase and make an offer first. At least this way he’d be the one setting the terms. “I might be willing to do a load, if you’d be so kind as to show me where Perla is first. In person.”
“I like the way you think, Sammy! I think Flapjack’s in the storage room right now. Follow meeeee!” Floyd spun on his heel and stepped briskly through a set of double doors, mood no doubt improved by the lessening load of chores he had to complete.
After only a little bit more walking, they arrived at the lounge’s storage room, where Perla was seated on the floor, aggressively sorting through ingredients.
Without bothering to turn around, she shouted, “Floyd! I’ve told you before, you can’t just bring people back here! Find somewhere else to squeeze the unfortunate fellow, this is where my ingredients are!”
She called for him, and yet didn’t assume he was the one following Floyd? Either Floyd squeezed a lot more people than he initially believed, or he was way worse at showing up on time than he thought he was. Possibly both. Sept placed his hand on his heart and gasped dramatically. “Not even your favorite seven of spades gets an exception? You wound me!”
This made her turn around. “Sept! You’re here!”
He nodded. “I am. You wanna talk privately ooooor?”
Perla nodded. “Privacy. Floyd, do you mind?”
“Sure thing, Flapjack. So long as Sammy doesn’t forget he owes me a load of disheeeeees!”
Sept scoffed. “Forget? Me? Never. Have a nice day!”
No sooner had the door shut behind Floyd, than Perla started ranting to Sept.
“That ungrateful, impudent little twerp! Here I am, making him food out of the kindness of my heart, perfectly demonstrating our dorm’s attribute of benevolence, and he goes and rates it a one?! His own chef’s steak, a one?! What does he take me for?”
Sept took stock of his options for a moment whilst Perla continued insulting her Housewarden. It was back and forth between insulting Azul and insulting someone else. Considering Perla’s relationship with Azul, he figured it was safer if he settled for the latter. “Lilia’s doing the crucible too, right? Spinelle told me that he’s an absolutely horrible chef, so it’s his fault.”
“WHY IS EVERYONE MY OPP TODAY?!” Perla’s volume could rival Sebek’s when she got upset enough, but Sept found the ebb and flow of her exaggerated frustration somewhat enjoyable. Because just as quickly as it came, it left. “Except Ruggie.”
“Ruggie? Didn’t know you talked to him much.”
“He was one of the other judges,” Perla confirmed. “He’d eat the plate if he could. BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT!”
“Wha-”
“I’m sending Azul out to get ingredients as punishment! Picking beans in the botanical garden! Like the ungrateful pulpo he is!”
“Isn’t he your boss-” Sevens, Sept could not get a word in.
“Please.” She laughed. “Everything in this dorm is a deal, a contract, a partnership if you will. Meaning we are partners. Meaning he shouldn’t rate my tofu hamburger steak with A FREAKING ONE! Since I’m not getting what I want out of this mutual partnership, I’ll get what I want some other way. BY SENDING HIM OUT IN THE FIELDS TO- Oh! Speaking of Ruggie, I completely forgot, he’s on his way here right now.”
“He is?”
“Yep. I used my unique magic to check right before you got here. That’s why I was going through the pantry. I wanted to be prepared for when he and his appetite show up. ”
Right. Perla’s UM Farsight allowed her to see the current actions of any one person of her choice. It differed from Rook’s in that she couldn’t tell the person’s location or where they’d been, she could only see what they were doing. But that was irrelevant, there were things to panic about.
“ACK! Why didn’t you say anything sooner? That boy only wants two things: food and money. And I have neither! Why’s he coming here, of all places?”
“Just because you don’t have food doesn’t mean I don’t. We’re, like, literally in the food-filled storage room of a cafe.”
“I don’t work here! He’s gonna ask me for stuff or trick me into giving him stuff or find some other way to take my stuff!” He definitely wasn’t bitter about the shepherd's pie Ruggie had conned him out of two weeks ago. Definitely not.
Perla was far too caught up in her annoyance at Azul to care for Sept’s one sided beef with Ruggie. “Well, at least he gave my food a reasonable rating UNLIKE SOMEBODY.”
Sept yawned. He was still tired from not getting to sleep in (definitely not because he’d been up until midnight playing video games). “It was your first dish, anyways. I’m sure it’ll get better from here.” Despite the nagging feeling in the back of his head, he still had hope that things would get better and that the problem could be resolved without him needing to get too involved.
“Still, he’d better stay out of my way, or I swear I’ll-”
Before she could finish, the door swung open, and the white haired business partner in question stepped inside.
“Well now… I wonder what sort of misfortune could have befallen the two poor individuals hiding in my storage room.”
Perla glared at him. “It’s my storage room, actually. Or at least more mine than it is yours, considering you have me cook on top of handling most of the lounge’s publicity.”
Sept’s hope was promptly poured down the drain.
Azul’s expression shifted slightly. “Come now, that’s only when Jade and Floyd are busy. Are you perhaps still upset over earlier? I told you, the way the food turns out is no fault of mine, seeing as I am simply the judge.”
“Judge?” Perla asked. “What, are you Housewarden Riddle now?”
“Hey, don’t bring my Housewarden into this-”
“You think it’s your right to give my food a one?”
Ah, so he was being ignored then. Great.
“I believe it is, seeing as I was doing the job the Headmage hired me to do.”
Never let it be said that Sept didn’t make the most of his situation. In actuality, he was rather happy to be ignored. Didn’t mean he was happy that it was dragging on longer, but at least it was interesting. Reality TV shows had nothing on this. He sat down on the floor and started rooting through a bin in an attempt to find snacks.
“Oho, the Headmage hired you, did he? Well excuse me, Azulito, for doing the job you hired me to do. Which reminds me. Why do you have me cook anything for our sevens damned lounge if you’re going to rate my food A FRICKIN ONE?”
“I couldn’t rate your food higher when it was your first dish. I would rate it the same regardless of the chef.”
“You know, it’s bad business practice to sell food to people if you wouldn’t eat it and rate it highly, ergo, you must think my food is at least somewhat good. Otherwise you wouldn’t let me back here at all.”
“Jade cooks for the lounge too, doesn’t he? And I rated the food made by both of you a one, didn’t I? It is my job as a manager to recommend supplemental training for my employees if I think they need it, and you wouldn’t improve if I did not pressure you to do so. I am innocent in all this.”
Her eyebrows raised and her jaw dropped, outraged by his claims. “Innocent? You? Hah. Don’t even talk to me. We’re on bad terms right now. Besides, Ruggie should be arriving any moment, so I should go prepare.”
Azul moved to block the door, face now fully changed into his iconic scowl, downturned mouth pushed asymmetrically to the right and glasses askew to the left. “Proper relationships, in business that is, require communication so that both parties can fully meet the agreed upon requirements. I won’t have myself falling into someone else’s debt due to a simple lack of transparency. Though I might mention that you still owe me for the events that took place over winter break.”
Perla simply ignored him and turned to talk to Sept, who was still patiently sitting on the floor munching on some popcorn leftover from the Crisp ‘n’ Dips fiasco. “Bro, Azulito thinks he can save me and I’ll forgive him for rating me a one.”
“You two are completely even right now,” Sept replied, “he owed you after the museum incident, and he paid you back during the winter break incident.”
“Exactly. What he said. Get out of my way!” With that, Perla shoved past Azul and walked out the storage room door.
He was stunned into silence for a moment, then looked at the boy on the floor. “You’re Sept, correct? I believe you’re also a member of Board Games Club?”
Azul didn’t appear too annoyed at the random Heartslabyul student sitting on the floor, which meant he probably wanted something. And since Sept’s house was a bit infamous for having the most idiotic and gullible of the first years, he figured Azul had decided to get that thing through him. Sept wasn’t very gullible or idiotic, at least not in the sense Azul thought him to be, but he was most certainly reckless. Plus, he knew that Azul’s study guides were the best in the land, and unfortunate circumstances had put him in the position of needing one. So he decided to once again take advantage of the situation and hear Azul out. “I sure am. But I’ve never actually gotten to play against you, since Idia takes up all of your time.”
“Yes, yes, I remember having seen you at meetings now, playing card games at the table in the back left corner.” By now, Azul had gone back to his usual sly smile, and it kept growing bigger, little by little.
“You play a lot of strategy games, right? Come to think of it, you’re incredibly intelligent in general.”
My, my, how eager this little fish was to swim right into Azul’s net. He was less like a fish biting the bait on his fishing rod and more like one that had jumped onto the dock and flopped into the bucket. “Yes, indeed I am. But I am also rather benevolent, and seeing as you’re my dear partner Perla’s friend, I’d be willing to give you a special discount on any future tutoring service deals you may wish to make.”
Bingo. This was the offer Sept was waiting for. “Well in that case, I have been getting uncomfortably close to failing my upcoming History final. Trein didn’t give us a study guide, said the best way to study was making one, and I’ve got an alchemy test the day after, so I’m in a bit of a bind. Whaddya think some help with history would cost me?”
“Normally,” Azul replied tactfully, “I’d say we should take this to one of my business rooms and spend a bit more time on the contract, but I’m willing to bend protocol seeing as we’re both in a rush. Now, as for what you’d do for me in return… how does convincing Perla to make up with me before the end of the crucible sound? You’ll have to follow any instructions I give you, of course, but it should be relatively simple.”
Sept laughed to himself in his head. This was almost too easy. Almost. “I can’t convince her to make up with you if you don’t put in some effort too, but so long as you’re willing to work with me, I’m willing to try. What’s the collateral, then? My UM? Working for the lounge for free?”
“Both, naturally. However, since you’re requiring extra work from me, I think I’m entitled to a bit more. Don’t you? How about, oh, I don’t know, the information that you’re a member of a gambling ring? More specifically, the one that operates using the table in the back left corner when Board Games Club isn’t meeting.”
“Hey! I don’t run that!”
Azul chuckled a line at that. “Yes, but you’re in an agreement with the actual leader, are you not? You play so badly that you cause all the other players to lose as well, resulting in the house winning and you getting a small cut of the profits.”
Sept stared at him, taken aback by the depth of his research.
“I can ensure that this information stays private if you meet the terms of our contract. Failure to comply will result in its release to the faculty.”
Well. Those were certainly some high stakes. But it was also in Sept’s best interests to get Perla and Azul to make up, so the work wouldn’t be an inconvenience. Still, he’d have to take some time to think about it…
Perla’s voice carried through the door. “Sept! Where are you? Ruggie’s here!”
He was out of time. “I accept your terms.” He signed the contract, and that was that. He didn’t stay long enough to hear if Azul had anything else to say, and Azul could barely hear his shout of “have a nice day” as he ran away.
***
The lounge had somewhat filled in now, requiring he had to narrowly dodge patrons as he ran into the main room of the lounge. “The seven of spades is right here!” He announced before flopping down as soon as he got to the table, a bit out of breath. Ruggie, who was on the other side, seemed fully invested in eating, completely failing to notice the card soldier scrambling into the booth.
“I thought you were right behind me! Why were you in the pantry so long with Azul?” She sounded more worried for Sept than anything, knowing full well how convincing Azul could be.
“Just grabbing some popcorn,” Sept said. Technically not a lie. “What’re you and Ruggie meeting about? Also, I’m completely happy to be here, but why am I here?”
“That,” she said, “is the thing. Ruggie was telling me about how good of a time he had getting lunch with Kalim last weekend, and I thought it’d be nice to see Jamil and Kalim again, so I’ve decided I’m moving to his house while I’m beefing with Azul!”
Sept stared at her for a second. “So you bribed Ruggie with food and got him to talk to Kalim who had to convince Jamil to let you stay in Scarabia again?”
“I bribed Ruggie with food and got him to talk to Kalim who had to convince Jamil to let me stay in Scarabia again. However, it was not my fault that Jamil needed convincing. That’s Azul’s fault, for acting so pushy and reflecting badly on his dorm. Yet another reason why he’s on my list.”
Sept was confused. “Your list?”
“My list,” Perla emphasized, “of all the people in this school that I dislike! He’ll eat my tofu steak until he learns to enjoy it! Relationship OVER with Azul, Ruggie is my best friend now! Because he actually appreciates me.”
“Sheheehee. And I especially appreciate the help you offered so I can relax in Scarabia for a little while too!”
Oh? So Ruggie was Perla’s best friend now, was he? Yeah, no way was Sept letting that happen. Point A - it interfered with the contract he’d made with Azul. Point B - Sept was Perla’s best friend at the school (aside from Spinelle, the three were equally good friends with each other). The thought of that trickster hyena of all people taking that position was simply preposterous. “Or you could move into Heartslabyul with me! I’m sure Riddle won’t mind in the slightest, and we’ve got more space after rearranging the layouts of some rooms! I’m not sure if Diasomnia will let you in, though, so you’ll have to choose between those two.” Hah. Take that, Ruggie.
“I’ll house hop then!”
Yeah, now that Sept thought about it, that was the more obvious solution.
“And we can go to Diasomnia too. Spinelle will let us in, trust. If that fails we can always sneak in.”
“I’m pretty sure Sebek will catch us. He wouldn’t let a possible threat to Lord Malleus go unnoticed for long.” Sept made his distaste towards Sebek known with mocking air quotes around the “Lord”, a fact neither of the others saw fit to comment on. Then he looked at Ruggie. “Speaking of people who’re stuck to their Housewardens like glue, you said you’re going to Scarabia, right? How’re you going to accomplish that with the whole Leona situation?”
“Sheheehee. That’s where you come in.”
“Me?” Sept didn’t think he had it in him to do any more things for any more people. He couldn’t believe this whole thing had resulted from a singular messed up recipe. Heck, he couldn’t believe that this morning he’d thought he was getting a day off.
“Yep! Y’see, Rook’s been stalking Leona again, which has been interfering with his sleep. So if I get Rook off Leona’s tail, then he’ll go take a nap and I can sneak off to Scarabia.”
Something was making Sept’s stomach feel heavy, and he was pretty sure that it wasn't the floor popcorn. “I, uh, still don’t see where I play into this.”
“Your good friend Perla here said that telling Rook you’d be willing to take some French lessons with him would do the trick.”
“WHAT?!” Sept’s indignant cry caused the heads of most if not all of the Monstro Lounge’s other patrons to turn towards him, but he’d rather have the attention of every student in the lounge for a week than that of Rook for a single hour. Most things about Pomefiore’s Vice-Housewarden didn’t bother him, but the way Rook essentially stalked people made his skin crawl. Not to mention how energetic that man was! He wouldn’t take no for an answer!
“Yep! I told him to meet us here whenever it’s most convenient.”
“You told Rook wha-“
“Bonjour!”
“GAH!!!” Sept nearly jumped out of his seat at the sudden noise behind him.
Rook popped up behind Sept, and if he hadn’t known better, he’d say he’d appeared out of thin air. “Reine des Pieuvres, Monsieur Dent-de-Lion, et Monsieur Sept! Comment allez-vous?”
“Good! And you?” Perla quickly began talking before Sept could mess up her plan.
“I am doing wonderfully! La langue Française est très belle, and I’m simply overjoyed that Monsieur Sept is finally deciding to further his talents with it!”
Forget whatever he’d promised people, he was determined to ruin Perla’s plan. “Rook, for the last time, I’m not interested in French lessons.”
“But your name is Sept, non? Are you truly so disinterested in your histoire? Surely you must know at least a little more of the language?”
“Just because my name is seven doesn’t mean I know any other words in French. Lots of people here have on-the-nose names like that for reasons I can’t imagine! There’s a guy whose family owns an apple farm named apple! Silver is named after his hair color! Perla’s housewarden is named freaking BLUE! Wait shoot- that all goes against what I’m trying to say! Point is, I don’t speak the language!”
“Non, non, non, en Français, Monsieur Sept.”
Sept sighed. He didn't think he’d be getting out of this. “Je ne parle pas Français.”
“Très bien! Your unwillingness to participate rivals that of Roi de sa Chambre, but seeing the results of your effort is merveilleux!”
He really did not like where this was going. “Well, nice lesson, but I’ve gotta…” the words died out on his tongue as Rook started dragging him towards the door and eventually Pomefiore.
“Monsieur Sept, you still have much to learn! We mustn't waste time. Perhaps I could teach you how to hunt as well? I seem to remember you taking interest in that.”
“No way! I mentioned range weapons one time! That was it! Once! And I didn’t even mention it to you!” He looked to Perla with pleading eyes, but her casual waving goodbye lacked any sympathy for his plight. It certainly didn’t help that Ruggie had suddenly lost the ability to hold in his snickering and started full on laughing his head off. It was truly a mess.
“Have fun you two!” Not helping, Ruggie.
“He’s kidnapping me! I’M BEING KIDNAPPED BY HIM! Help me!” When Perla joined in on the good natured laughing, he gave up entirely. “Fine then! Be that way! I hope you DO NOT have a nice day!”
Of course, the remarks only served to further fuel their laughter.
***
When Sept was finally released from Rook’s French lessons, the first thing he did was head down to the kitchen to see how Perla was doing with the culinary crucible. Wait, no, that was a lie. The first thing he did was treat himself to a soda and a pack of chips, because spending that long with Rook Hunt was absolutely miserable. The second thing he did was head to the cafeteria to check on Perla. Very sloooowly. He figured the longer it took him to get back, the less work he’d have to do once he got there, so he wasn’t in any rush. He wandered through the halls, taking his sweet time looking out the windows and admiring the art that lined the walls. He had just been admiring (or pretending to admire) a painting of a flower field when he heard a strange shout from outside. He walked over to the nearest window and saw… Azul? Sure enough, it seemed like Perla had followed through on her promise to force yard work upon the offending Housewarden. Presently, he was carrying a variety of meat and dairy products down a path that looked like it led to the school’s food storage room. Which reminded Sept, he should probably hurry up and get down to the kitchen. As fun as watching Azul suffer was, he did have a deal to follow through on, so he peeled his eyes away from the window and continued down the hall.
Sevens damn, the school was huge. His legs felt like they were on autopilot, walking forwards until he reached infinity. By the time he finally got to the cafeteria, he was worn out once again. Perla waved to him from the kitchen, where she was standing over a large pot with Jade and Lilia at her sides.
“Sept! Over here!”
“Aren’t you doing lessons for the crucible right now? Am I even allowed back there?”
Perla turned her head questioningly to the head chef, who motioned for Sept to come over.
He complied, and took a peek in the pot when he arrived. It looked… fairly normal, all things considered. But by this point in the day he had learned not to expect things to go his way, even if they’d done so thus far. “What’re you making?”
She gestured to the various in-use bowls and dirty towels scattered across the counter as though that should’ve clued him in. He wasn’t sure if she was kind or ignorant, expecting a Heartslabyul first year to understand something based on context clues alone. “Another tofu hamburger steak.”
Sept’s idea of cooking was throwing chopped raw veggies and cold rotisserie chicken into some pasta and calling it a day, so he wasn’t the best authority on this, but he was quite sure that tofu hamburger steak didn’t require a bubbling pot of mysterious liquid. “And the pot is for…?”
Out of all the people who could answer, the response came from the worst person possible. The multichrome menace himself, butcher of not only meat but also recipes, the weird guy who liked to hang upside down and talk like an old man for sevens know why, the one and only Lilia Vanrouge. “Balancing the meal. One look at the recipe, and I was positively appalled by the gaps in nutritional value! You youngsters need to keep your health in good condition if you want to become good mages someday.”
“Balancing the meal?” Sept turned his head cautiously to look at the neon terror. “That still doesn’t tell me what’s in it.”
“Keeheehee.” Lilia was laughing, which didn’t bode well for anybody’s taste buds. “It’s a special recipe of my own creation. So many of you little ones have trouble focusing, so I’ve packed this sauce full of protein to help you pay attention in class!”
Things were looking worse and worse. Sept was thinking of excuses he could use to get out of this, and a small part of him missed the floor popcorn. “...what’s in the sauce?”
“Wonderful question. It’s a lamb sauce, with the base using sourced Perla, and it’ll be garnished with some wild mushrooms, courtesy of Jade.”
Jade’s smile was small and controlled, polite only in appearance like everything else about him. It made him look a bit like Trey, in all honesty. “It’s my pleasure. I’m glad the Mountain Lovers Club is getting some more recognition thanks to this event.” His watchful gaze found Sept, and the message was clear. Do your job and get them to make up, or else. Sept straightened his back, a little more alert.
“A lamb sauce and mushrooms… on a tofu hamburger steak? Is that why Azul was out at the barn?”
Perla’s smug smile mirrored Azul’s in many ways, hers was just a bit wider and a bit more satisfied. It was the smile they both got when everything was going their way. “I sure did. I sent him out to get eggs and milk and stuff. He he. Nothing like getting back at Azul by making him do physical labor.”
“Oooooohhhhhh. He probably hates that.” A unique torture method designed for the merman who hates exercise. This only proved the truth of Rook’s nickname for her. Azul might’ve been the dorm leader, but he was powerless against someone who knew how to take advantage of his deal system. And Sept was positive that Perla held all the cheat codes. He laughed a little. Seeing them go back and forth was excellent entertainment.
Perla’s glare sharpened. “If he rates my food badly again, he’ll be picking beans while riding on a broomstick. That boy will learn to respect me.” Truly a master of inflicting specialized punishment.
Sept found a chair at one of the counters and sat back to watch the chaos unfold. The “lamb sauce” would take longer to make than the rest of the food, so the cooking trio decided to make two batches, one without sauce and the second with it. Their cooking process was truly a wonder to behold. Each student had wonderful technique, slicing and cooking with absolute perfection. Lilia and Jade prepped ingredients while Perla mixed and cooked them. By all accounts, the first batch of steaks should have come out well.
Gradually, the judges began to arrive. Ruggie, Epel, and Rook were the judges for this round. Azul was noticeably absent. He didn’t even come in when he dropped off the ingredients, instead opting to leave them outside the cafeteria door and texting Sept to come and pick them up. It was a wonder nothing got stolen. Actually, maybe that was the reason the ingredients were such low quality. Sevens damned cheapskates. Sept also decided to make himself absent when he heard that Rook was coming, as he’d already dealt with more than he could handle that day. He opted to take a break in a storage closet, taking inspiration from every misbehaving teen to ever exist in the media because he really couldn’t be bothered to find a better location at this point. He set a timer for himself, one that should end at about the same time as judging, sat down to take a nap, and woke up after the alarm had already been ringing for five minutes.
***
The only reason he woke up at all was because he heard an unmistakable scream of “HOW DID THEY GET ONES ALL AROUND?!” An angry Perla was not to be trifled with, which meant he had to step on the gas and get back to the kitchen.
Upon making his return, Sept ran into two things: the kitchen and Lilia. Lilia was most certainly skilled enough to dodge in any normal situation, but he was a rather short person who happened to be carrying an armful of vegetables, and who was certainly not expecting someone to run into him. Sept tried to catch him, but instead ended up toppling over as well.
“Keehee. My, you’re in quite a rush, aren’t you? Well? Help me up, won’t you?”
Sept gave him a skeptical look, but eventually obliged. “Don’t you go, I dunno, flipping around on ceilings and stuff?” He asked out of genuine curiosity. “Why’d you need me to help you up?”
Sevens, Lilia already laughed a lot at seemingly random things, but this made him laugh even harder. “You ought to help your elders when they ask for it. What a foolish young man you are.”
“Jeez, I get it, grandpa.” Spinelle’s Vice-Housewarden sure was a strange one, and that was coming from somebody who interacted with Mr. Teeth Freak himself on a daily basis. “You’re just a junior, you know. Perla sure doesn’t go around demanding I talk to her like that.”
“I believe our mutual friend Cater would refer to me as “unc” in this situation. Kee hee.”
Speaking of their situation, it had just gotten considerably worse, as Perla chose that exact moment to check on how the vegetable prep was coming. “Hey, Lilia, how’re those greens you picked out coming-” she paused, needing a second to take it all in. Sept and Lilia were both covered in plant juice and leaves, there was food everywhere, and neither of them had done a thing about it. “Do either of you want to tell me why my ingredients are all over the floor? Because, like, heh, we’re kinda on a time crunch here.”
In an attempt to patch up the situation, Sept picked up one of the many carrots that was strewn about. “Most of the non-squished stuff should still be good to eat, we’ve just gotta wash it off.” As if to emphasize his point, he polished it on a clean part of his sleeve and took a large bite.
Perla yoinked the carrot out of his hands and threw it into the trash can with a precision that Sept suspected came from several after-hours games of darts in the Mostoro Lounge. “First of all, ew. Yuu’s cat-monster eating stuff off the floor is already bad enough, I don’t need you doing it too. Second of all, if you think I’m going to use an ingredient, why the heck would you eat it? Third of all, I HAD ALL THE BEST INGRIDIENTS AND IT HAPPENED AGAIN! Why would I want to use the ingredients that you have so carelessly spilled on the floor if even the gold quality ingredients get us a ONE!”
Damn, Sept thought, librarians would rue the day that Perla and Sebek finally entered the same room at the same time.
“I can see that you aren’t taking this seriously.” Dang, sometimes it was like she could spy on people in more ways than one. “Why don’t you go get some plates ready and set the table.”
Considering even someone as lazy as Sept could do this task rather quickly, he still had plenty of time to watch the chefs work after he finished.
“LOCK IN GUYS!” Perla’s shouts could be heard all throughout the kitchen with absurd levels of clarity, and Sept swore she could be heard just as well from any other location on Sage’s island.
Lilia was somehow dangling upside down in front of one of the cupboards, rooting through it looking for something. “Perla, Jade, would one of you be a dear and help me find the cardamom? I can’t seem to locate it!” Perhaps the reason was because reading was a notoriously difficult activity to complete when standing (or floating) on one’s head? Just some food for thought.
She was not amused with this by any means. “I SAID LOCK IN, LILIA! YOU SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH CATER TO KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!”
Lilia teleported behind Perla, causing her to startle and nearly drop the food she was holding. “Keeheehee, and what if I don’t know?”
Ooooohhhhhh sevens, Sept though, you’re really pushing it here bub.
Perla stamped her foot and pivoted sharply on her heel to face the magenta monster. “IT MEANS FIND THE CARDAMOM YOURSELF!”
Jade looked up briefly from his oh-so entrancing mushrooms to get a good read on the drama. “Oh my. You really have worked yourself into a tizzy. Heh heh. Interesting.”
“THAT’S ENOUGH FROM YOU TOO, JADE!” He simply smiled and went back to mincing mushrooms.
“Yeah, Jade,” Sept chimed in, “how about we see less of that fun guy attitude, and more of a fungi attitude, if you know what I mean.”
“Not helping, Sept! Go see how much time we have left!”
Sept cackled. “You sound like how I imagine the sea witch when she’s angry.”
That same Azul-like sneer from before crept onto Perla’s face. “Oho, but I’m even worse! I’m the worst kind of witch there is, THE KIND WHO’S HAD HER COOKING INSULTED! NOW GO CHECK THE TIME, YOU FOOL!”
That was his signal to head out. “Right, right. On it. Have a, well, have as nice of a day as you can, in a cooking frenzy like that!”
Not a moment after he’d stepped into the cafeteria, he bumped into someone for the second time that day. He looked up and… shoot. Saying that things weren’t good was redundant to a ridiculous degree, but this was really, really, not good. Astronomical, soul crushing levels of not good. He’d just walked straight into Azul.
He smiled. “Ah, hello Sept. I trust everything is going well?”
“Hi, yes, hello Azul. Good to see you too…” Please, somebody get him out of here.
“Goodness, your eyes can’t seem to look straight ahead. Certainly you didn’t expect me not to realize simply because Jade is preoccupied. You’ve forgotten all about our deal, haven’t you?”
Sept was beginning to realize why some students referred to him as a cephelo-punk. “Of course not!” If anything Sept’s rapid and desperate shouting served only to prove Azul’s point. “I just haven’t gotten an opportunity to talk with Perla yet. You see, stuff has been kinda-”
“WHERE IS THE LAMB SAUCEEE?!” Aaaaaaand there was Perla’s scream, ready to prove his point right back.
“-hectic” he finished. “It’s a completely valid crash out, of course.”
It was more than Perla crashing out. An actual, resounding crash rang out from the kitchen, followed by a second shout.
“WHY IN THE SEVEN’S GOOD NAMES IS IT PURPLE, LILIA?! WHY IS IT STEAMING LIKE THAT?!” Yeesh. Sept would hate to be Lillia right now. Or the metal object. Really he hated to be anywhere around the kitchen, but helping Perla was worth it. Not that he did much to help, but the intention was there.
“My goodness. Is this why the food’s quality has been so subpar? Both Perla and Jade are excellent chefs, I cannot recommend their cooking enough. Lilia, however, seems to be a bit of a nuisance in the kitchen.”
It was a bit hard to hear Azul over all the noise coming from the kitchen. Another few bangs, a laugh from Lilia, and what sounded suspiciously like someone getting hit with a flying cooking utensil all destroyed any chance of Sept understanding what Azul said. At least, they were loud enough for Sept to pretend that he did.
“Whaaaaat?! I can’t hear you!”
Azul sighed. “We’ll talk after this round is over. It would be counterproductive to try and hold a discussion now.”
He he, success! Sept released a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. “Well, uh, good talking to you! I’ve got to go back in and let her know how much time we have left-”
“Please understand, this is not me giving you any sort of extension. I expect you to have some semblance of progress to share with me by the next time we meet.”
“Got it! Have a nice day, Azul!” He ran back into the kitchen, not wanting to be around Azul any longer. Plus, he had to tell the others the time. “You’ve got five or so minutes until all the judges are here!”
Jade paused on his cooking to look at Sept. “I appreciate your warning, Sept. I’m eager to see the judges' reactions to our dishes. Especially with this new variety of mushrooms I’ve found.”
“New variety? Is that safe-”
Perla didn’t let him get into another conversation with her sous chefs this time around. “EVEN RUGGIE RATED US A ONE LAST TIME! PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER!”
He got back to… heck, Sept didn’t know how to cook. If he was on a cooking show, he’d surely have gotten booed off screen by now. Or any show, really. Anyways, Jade got back to whatever it is he was doing, which seemed to be more talking to Perla.
“The flavor is unique, to say the least. It should pair well with Lilia’s cooking style.”
The cooking genius in question was currently removing the shaker lids on the spices in order to pour more in at once.
“YOU IDIOT SANDWICHES!!!”
An accurate description, considering one was essentially drugging the judges and the other was adding enough random foods to have the same physical effect. But something fell off…
“You guys aren’t making sandwiches, though.” Sept remarked.
“Stupid steaks, then,” Perla raged, “hapless hamburgers! Total-loss tofu! Meddling mushrooms! Bumbling bean buffoons! The end result is the same!”
Just then, the timer went off. The tofu hamburger steaks were done. Jade and Lilia added the last few garnishes, drizzled the lamb sauce on top, and it was time to present them to the judges. The ghosts sighed with regret at the state of the dishes, but what’s done was done. The plates were sitting on the table.
Azul, Ruggie, and Riddle stared at the dishes in front of them, if they were even fit to be called that. The lamb sauce had retained its strange purple coloration, the vegetables were piled awkwardly on top, and the entire thing looked like it was covered in sand from all the spices.
The three chefs were lined up, eager to see how their food would be rated. Sept watched closely from the sidelines.
Riddle took a tentative bite from the corner, chewed, and set down his fork, leaving the rest untouched. “It’s gritty, squishy, soggy, and dry. An overall abhorrent clash of texture and taste.” He raised his sign. One.
Ruggie ate the entire thing, but looked physically sick afterwards. “It’s better than rotten- THUCK! Ty toungeth numb! That the thuck, thade?! Theret’h no thaving thith thcore.” He held up his sign. Another one.
Azul glanced at it briefly, then shook his head. “It appears to be completely inedible. Consuming it would be detrimental to my health.” Sept didn’t have to look to know what his rating would be. Yet another one.
Perla, Jade, and Lilia’s dish had scored a three overall, the lowest possible score in the crucible. Sept scowled. Azul didn’t even try the dish! How was he supposed to patch things up between Perla and Azul if the eight armed outrage wouldn’t put in an ounce of effort?
Perla seemed to be even more upset than Sept was, and for good reason.
“SETIOUSLY?! HOW DO I GET NOT ALL ONES?! I’M USING ALL THE GOOD INGRIDIENTS!”
Azul folded his napkin, placed it on the table, and walked over to her.
“Technique is just as important as materials. Yours simply left much to be desired.”
Uh-oh, thought Sept, I’d better fix this before Azul finds a way to blame it on me.
He jogged over to where the other two were standing, and attempted to comfort Perla. The first step was confronting Azul.
“Give her some space, wouldya? That’s a lot to take in. It’s not like you’re doing anything to help the situation.”
Azul knew what he meant. “I’m doing my best, you know. Even one as compassionate as I cannot compliment something this,” he wrinkled his nose, “pathetic.”
So that didn’t work. On to phase two: comfort Perla by blaming it on someone else. Because it was actually someone else’s fault! “Lilia must just be that bad at cooking. Even Ruggie rated it a 1? That's unheard of.”
She groaned. “I’m going insane! I literally can't score over an 8! And that was the first one!”
“Don’t worry! I’m sure you’ll do better… next… time…” What was that clacking sound behind him? Sept’s voice trailed off as he tried to get a better listen. It sounded like click-click-clack-click- oh shit.
“Sept Veri!”
Oh no. Oh no no no no no. This couldn’t be happening.
He heard the distinct sound of the base of a scepter hitting against tile floors. “Queen of hearts rule number sixty-eight clearly states that all students are to be on time for each and every class they may take throughout their career at Night Raven College. The time is currently 3:45, fifteen minutes after the school day ends, and I have just received word from your teachers that you didn’t see fit to show up to even a single lesson today. Do you care to explain yourself?”
To be continued…