Work Text:
“OPEN UP!”
A loud crash came from inside the room. Wemmbu was violently banging on Parrot’s dorm room door at 8 in the morning with Spoke and Flame right behind him.
“That means they’re awake!” Spoke said cheerfully.
The door suddenly swung open to reveal Wifies, who was holding a mop and wearing a freshly ironed apron. Behind him, the dorm looked practically spotless.
“Good morning,” Wifies said in a flat, monotone voice. “May I ask what the noise is about at this hour?”
Spoke pushed past him and stepped into the room. “Yeah, yeah, whatever, where’s Parrot?!”
“Sleeping,” Wifies said, then turning back around and continuing to wipe down a counter, whilst Flame also decided to enter the dorm room.
Wemmbu peeked further inside the dorm room. Theo was passed out face-first on the couch with one leg hanging off the side. His blanket had fallen off the couch and was in a pile beside the couch. Suddenly, Theo snored loudly and rolled directly onto the floor.
The kitchen smelled incredible. There were plates already laid out on the table with nuts, toast, pancakes, and some fruit. Flame was already reaching for food when Spoke slammed both hands onto the table dramatically.
“NO.”
Everyone turned to look at him, except for Wifies who went back to cleaning, and Theo who was still sleeping.
“This is more important!” Spoke pointed at Parrot’s closed bedroom door and turned back to Wifies. “We need him bro; Can you wake him up for us!” he said, turning to Wifies.
Wifies turned to stare at Spoke for a moment before responding with, “Okay.”.
He walked over to Parrot’s room and knocked three times.
“Parrot,” Wifies said. “Your friends have arrived.”
“GO AWAY BRO,” Parrot’s muffled voice shouted from inside.
“Today’s my turn to pick where we go!” Spoke said, ignoring Parrot’s words completely.
After a while, the door finally creaked open as Parrot stood there half asleep in plaid pyjama pants and a light brown hoodie. His brown hair was completely messed up and there were dark circles under his eyes like he hadn’t slept in days.
He stared at them blankly.
“…What.”
Wemmbu grinned. “We’re going somewhere fun.”
Spoke put both hands on Parrot’s shoulders. “You just have to trust me bro.”
“...No.”
“Come onnnnn.”
“Once again, no bro.”
“It’ll be funny!” Spoke argued back.
“Genuinely, that makes it sound even worse.”
Wemmbu nodded enthusiastically. “Last time we all went with your idea.”
Parrot crossed his arms. “My idea was volunteering.”
“Yeah, to pick up TRASH. And now it’s Spoke’s turn!”
“Why.”
“Fine then. Let’s take a vote. Democracy!” Spoke said, waving his hands. “Okay, put your hand up if you want to go with me!” Spoke and Wemmbu put their hands up, and Wemmbu grabbed Flame’s other hand and raised it up with him.
“3 to 1; We win! Get ready to go in 10 minutes!” Spoke cheered.
Parrot stared at all three of them.
“…Fine.”
The door slammed shut again.
They all sat at the kitchen table waiting for Parrot to get ready, and Wifies came over with more food for them to eat. Flame grabbed an apple to eat, Wemmbu started eating a couple of waffles, but Spoke? Spoke grabbed a mountain of pancakes and waffles held together with butter, syrup and tears.
Every time someone spilled crumbs, Wifies appeared beside them instantly like a ghost and cleaned it before they could react. At one point, Wemmbu purposely dropped syrup on the table just to see what would happen, and Wifies materialized beside him in under a second.
“Please do not do that again.”
“HOLY SHIT BRO WHERE DID YOU COME FROM???”
Eventually, Parrot emerged from his room fully dressed, still looking exhausted.
“Alright,” he sighed. “Where are we going?”
Spoke’s grin widened even further as he shoved the rest of his breakfast into his mouth.
Twenty minutes later, they were all crammed into the back of a bus because none of them had money for literally anything else. Flame was asleep against the window, Parrot was busy trying to read a book on Business effects (Nerd), but Wemmbu and Spoke were huddled next to each other, snickering and pointing back between Wemmbu’s phone and Parrot.
Finally, Parrot couldn’t stand their snickering and closed the book.
“Okay, seriously, Spoke. Where are we going bro?”
Spoke slowly turned around in his seat with the biggest grin imaginable.
“Scientology!”
Spoke pulled out his phone excitedly. “Look!”
He shoved a video into Parrot’s face of a bunch of people (heh bunch of friends mentioned) speedrunning and getting kicked out of Scientology buildings.
Parrot stared in horror. “Oh my god, bro.”
“It’ll be hilarious!” Spoke exclaimed.
“No.”
“Yes.”
“NO BRO.”
Wemmbu leaned over the seat. “You HAVE to come with us.”
“I absolutely do not.”
“You made us go garbage picking for 3 hours!”
“It was educational and important for our presentation.”
“And now we get to break into Scientology.”
“That is NOT equivalent!”
Spoke nodded wisely. “Yeah, our idea is actually cooler.”
Parrot buried his face in his hands. “I hate all of you.”
Eventually, after fifteen straight minutes of arguing, Parrot gave up.
“Fine,” he muttered. “But I’m not going inside.”
Spoke suddenly gasped and reached into his bag, then handed everyone tiny radios with earpieces.
Parrot turned and stared at him slowly. “…Why do even you HAVE these bro.”
“I’m prepared!”
“You brought communication devices before you brought a plan?”
“Oh, I thought you were gonna make the plan...”
“You thought I was going to organize your illegal activities?”
“Yes?”
Parrot sighed deeply before pulling out a journal from his bag.
“Okay. Fine. Tell me everything you know about the building.”
“It’s big!”
“...”
For the next twenty minutes, Parrot was forced into the role of unwilling strategist while Spoke and Wemmbu talked over each other, and Flame slept through the entire thing.
Parrot eventually managed to sketch a rough layout from Google Maps and random information Spoke found online.
“Okay,” Parrot said finally. “You idiots are not improvising once we get there; Follow what I tell you guys.”
“Awesome.”
“I mean it.”
“Awesome.”
“You are listening to absolutely none of this.”
“Ding ding ding!”
The bus finally stopped, and they walked towards the huge building towering above them.
“Perfect,” Spoke whispered.
Parrot adjusted his glasses nervously. “One last chance guys; We can still leave!”
“Nope!”
Spoke pointed dramatically.
“Operation: Scientology Speedrun, begins NOW.”
Spoke ran forward toward the front entrance, where a few employees were trying to recruit new members.
Meanwhile, Wemmbu and Flame circled around the side of the building.
“I still don’t get why I’m paired with you,” Wemmbu grumbled.
“Because Spoke would get distracted instantly, and Parrot would die from the very idea of breaking into a building bro.”
They crouched beside a side window, and Flame slid it open surprisingly easily.
“After you.”
They wandered through hallway after hallway trying to find whatever Spoke was while quietly arguing the entire time.
“You’re walking too loud bro.”
“You’re breathing too loud.”
“That doesn’t even make sense.”
“You don’t make sense!”
While they were arguing, Flame accidentally shoved Wemmbu towards a stack of metal chairs. The crash echoed through the building like a gunshot, and the two of them froze.
“…Oops.”
Several doors suddenly opened down the hallway.
“Did you hear that? Someone’s in here.”
Flame grabbed Wemmbu’s sleeve.
“RUN BRO.”
They sprinted.
“GO LEFT, LEFT LEFT-”
“Bro, that’s a wall!”
“I KNOW THAT NOW.”
They burst into an elevator and repeatedly smashed the close button while guards sprinted toward them. The doors shut just in time.
Wemmbu collapsed against the wall laughing hysterically. “This is the greatest day of my life.”
As they panted and tried to catch their breath, the elevator finally stopped and the doors opened, with six security guards staring directly at them.
“…Oh shit.”
The doors slowly closed again.
One of the guards shoved his arm between the doors and opened the elevator.
“GET THEM.”
Meanwhile, downstairs, Spoke was still talking to one of the employees.
“So like,” Spoke said casually, “are you guys trapped here or what?”
“I’m sorry?”
Suddenly, the radio crackled.
“WE’RE CORNERED ON THE TWELFTH FLOOR!” Wemmbu yelled.
Spoke’s eyes widened.
“OH SHOOT.”
The employee looked alarmed as Spoke immediately reached into his bag. Parrot, hidden behind a bush nearby, looked up in horror.
“Spoke don’t you dare-”
Smoke exploded everywhere, and Spoke grabbed Parrot out from behind the bush.
“Genuinely, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BRO?!”
“NO TIME!”
Spoke grabbed Parrot by the wrist and sprinted into the building.
“We’re rescuing Wemmbu and Flame!”
“I DIDN’T AGREE TO THIS-”
Upstairs, Wemmbu and Flame were surrounded.
“This is literally your fault,” Wemmbu hissed.
“My fault?” Flame snapped. “YOU hit the chairs.”
“You shoved me!”
Two guards grabbed Wemmbu and Flame and shoved them forward into a room.
A slow clapping echoed behind them from the hallway.
“Well… well… well…”
A woman stepped out from the shadows.
“I, am Shannon.”
“...Okay?”
“And soon… I shall ascend beyond your mortal understanding.”
Flame stared blankly.
“…What?”
“You fools do not comprehend the true power hidden within Scientology.”
Wemmbu leaned toward Flame.
“What the freak is going on.”
“Don’t ask me bro.”
Shannon continued monologuing dramatically while pacing back and forth in the room.
“Soon I shall become an all-powerful being. A ruler beyond humanity itself.”
“Do you think she rehearsed this beforehand?” Wemmbu whispered.
“Shut up bro.”
“Join me now before it is too late!”
Flame yawned.
BOOM.
The door exploded open, and Spoke flew into the hallway like a maniac.
“MOVE!”
He slammed directly into Shannon, knocking both of them into a wall.
Parrot stumbled in behind him, completely out of breath.
“I genuinely - hate- all of you- so much-”
Spoke grabbed Wemmbu and Flame.
“RUN!
Chaos erupted instantly.
They sprinted through the halls while alarms blared around them. Flame suddenly kicked open a storage room to their right and they ducked inside. Inside were a bunch of bizarre props and equipment.
“…Hold on.”
He searched inside the boxes and emerged carrying a giant sword.
Flame tossed Parrot a bow. Spoke received several tiny firework bombs, and Wemmbu got handed an almost broken fishing rod.
“…Seriously?”
“That’s all that was left.”
“...Great.”
They kept running upward toward the roof access stairs while guards chased after them, while Parrot was dying.
“I- can’t- breathe-! Mark my words- I’m going - to kill all of you- once we get out of here.”
Finally they burst onto the rooftop. Parrot immediately collapsed to his knees wheezing.
Then a helicopter appeared overhead. Everyone slowly looked up as the helicopter door slid open, and Tom Cruise descended from the sky on a rope.
“You should not have come here.”
“WHY ARE YOU HERE?!”
Spoke immediately threw one of the bombs at Tom Cruise, and smoke exploded everywhere.
“GET HIM!”
Flame charged first with the giant sword. Tom Cruise blocked the strike effortlessly and slammed Flame backward across the rooftop.
“AGH-”
Parrot shakily grabbed the bow, and fired off a string of arrows.
Tom Cruise deflected the arrow instantly, and the arrow ricocheted backward and pinned Parrot’s sleeve to a wall. Spoke tried jumping Tom Cruise from behind, but he elbowed him directly into unconsciousness.
“Spoke!”
Out of luck, it was down to Tom Cruise and Wemmbu and his almost broken fishing rod.
“…You know what. Sure, at least I'll go out with a bang.”
He swung the rod at Tom Cruise, praying that something of a miracle would happen.
The line shot into the sky, and everyone froze as something whistled overhead. A gigantic orbital strike canon slowly descended from the clouds and was headed straight towards where Wemmbu aimed.
Flame grabbed the unconscious Spoke by the hoodie.
“MOVE MOVE MOVE BRO!”
Wemmbu sprinted over and ripped Parrot free from the wall.
“MY ARM IS DISLOCATED!”
“JUST WALK IT OFF BRO.”
They dove into the helicopter, and Wemmbu somehow ended up in the pilot seat.
“HOW DO I DRIVE THIS.”
“JUST, LIKE, I DON’T JUST GO!” Flame yelled from behind him.
The helicopter lifted shakily into the air just as Tom Cruise sprinted toward them through flames and smoke.
The Scientology building exploded behind him in cinematic slow motion.
“Wemmbu. Wemmbu.”
The helicopter vanished, and the explosions slowly disappeared.
Wemmbu opened his eyes slowly as morning sunlight streamed through his bedroom window, and Egg stood beside the bed with crossed arms.
“You’re gonna be late for school.”
“…What?”
Egg frowned. “You were talking in your sleep again.”
“Whu..Huh?
“Hurry up and get ready, I made waffles.”
...
What type of dream was that?