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To say that Kellin admired his boyfriend would be an understatement. Even before the pair began to date he would spend all day rattling off every little thing he loved about the boy. When they did begin to date his admiration only ramped up to the extreme.
Kellin loved to spend late nights splayed out on his bed bundled up with his lover. Letting hours go by listening to Oli speak, his hands curled into his chocolate colored hair. If Oli ever fell asleep Kellin would stay up a little longer just to admire his face, his droopy sage colored eyes, the light freckles scattered across his nose bridge, the small scars from piercings long since taken out. Every single aspect of the other man was beautiful to him. From his looks, his composure, his voice, down to his very being.
Of course though such perfection means that something else has to be lesser than in comparison. And that something else in Kellin's mind happened to often be himself. He tried hard not to focus on everything he saw wrong but it was almost impossible when his mind always lead him back to it. When next to his lover he couldn't help but to feel a bit unworthy, he wasn't something that should be loved back equally.
Even physically he didn't compare. He was short, just under the average height for a guy and certainly shorter than Oli. His body was stuck in a constant In-between of standards, he wasn't muscular or well built like some guys, he wasn't lean and defined like oli, and he wasn't full in figure or effeminate enough to be seen as pretty. He was just himself. And he hated it. His voice was high and wavered easily, his hair had to be regularly dyed black and cut to keep it presentable. He would never understand why Oli chose to love someone like him back.
Oliver saw his boyfriend as the pinnacle of anything he could ever want. He'd noticed the boy far longer than Kellin had ever saw him. There was something about his person that made him almost captivating to Oli, as if he couldn't afford to look away. When they began to date the infatuation stayed just as strong. He knew he was attractive, he'd been through years of boys and girls trying to cozy up to him. But he knew most of them only wanted their idea of him, not really him. Oliver could not for the life of him understand how Kellin denied the fact that he was the one who swept Oli from up off his feet. Whether Kellin knew it or not there was stiff competition with other guys trying to be the one Kellin desired. Oli would have worried more if he hadn't seen the way Kellin looked at him, like he meant everything. If only Kellin would see that Oli looked at him the same way.
Oliver's phone was filled with photos of the other boy, he would take a new one almost every time they hung out. When he felt the most alone he'd scroll through his camera roll to remind himself of all that he loved. Oliver loved those calm nights in his room just as much as Kellin. Lying with his lover, their limbs intertwined, almost inseparable. He'd hold the smaller boy close to his heart, gently running his fingers through the curls at the bottom of his dyed black hair until he knew he'd drifted off to sleep. When Oliver couldn't stay asleep he'd focus all he could on the soft breathing coming from beside him and the warm curves pressed against his own body. He was determined to hold onto the other boy as tight as he could for fear of the world taking him out of his arms.
Tonight was one of those quiet nights, Kellin and Oli were curled up in Oliver's bed. Blankets tousled over them with soft moonlight pouring over the edges of the drawn curtains. Oliver lying on his back, scrolling idly on his laptop with his head propped up on a few pillows. Kellin lounged half atop the other boy, his head resting at the top of his chest. Oliver runs a soothing hand through Kellin's dark locks humming absentmindedly. Kellin listened quietly, trying to still his body entirely to not draw Oliver's attention to himself and ruin his loose melody. Despite his efforts Oliver's murmurers came to a stop when he leaned down and planted a soft kiss atop Kellin's head.
"What are you thinking about love?" Oliver questioned calmly, not yet drawing his eyes away from his screen.
"You" Kellin muttered, using his arm thrown overtop Oliver to trace the familiar fine lines of the tattoos on his arm. He lightly dragged his finger to follow the curves of merged pictures and colors staining his skin.
"Hm?"
"I don't know." Kellin huffed softly. His hair falling into his face as he tilts his head out of Oliver's view. "I love you, but I don't understand" Kellin immediately regretted his words and tried to focus as much as he could on his finger following the dark lines wrapping around his lovers arm. His words felt like molasses on his tongue; it was hefty to try and put his tangled thoughts into speech.
"Don't understand what?" Oliver coaxed, his hand moving farther down to curl in the ends of Kellin's hair.
"Why you wouldn't want something better than this." Kellin trailed his hand lower down Oliver's arm, along the outline of an inked flower. "Your capable of loving so much more than me. Yet you don't." his volume wavering at the end, eyes still staring unfocused away from Oliver. "Just forget it. its stupid" Kellin sighed.
"Love" Oliver started, Kellin remained still but he heard the soft click of his laptop shutting. "Love, look at me please" Oliver repeated.
Kellin reluctantly turned to face Oliver. Finally putting his focus fully on the other man. The look in Oliver's eyes makes his throat feel even heavier. He felt like crying, but only out of regret for the reaction that Oliver had to his words, not for his own self pity.
"Why are you talking like that again? Like you don't know how much I love you?" Oliver tried to reason, raising his hand out of Kellin's hair to lightly hold the side of Kellin's face. "I wouldn't give you up. I chose to be with you, its what I want." he continued his gaze boring into Kellin's.
"I know" Kellin sighed and glanced away, wanting nothing more than to curl back into his body and forget about this conversation entirely.
"No, no you don't" Oliver replied blankly. His response discomforted Kellin, there was no avoiding this conversation anymore. Oliver knew something was wrong and he wouldn't leave the topic until it had been made apparent.
"Please don't lie to me, I only want to help you. ill understand if you speak to me." Oliver was practically begging at this point. The man he loved with all his heart was so blatantly closing him out of his own.
"I don't want you to understand, I love you too much to burden you with myself even more" Kellin grasped the hand on his cheek and slipped it off.
"Your so wound up love, you will never be a burden to me. But I don't know how else I can ask, please just tell me whats on your mind" Oli pleaded. the strain in his words hurt Kellin more than anything he'd thought about himself. He knew the longer he withheld from Oli the more it would wound the other man. so despite himself he let in. He let the words push past the lump in his throat and fall out his lips like a guilty confession.
"Your everything I could ever want, ever need, and I give you nothing in return. I take up all the love you could be giving to someone who actually deserves it." Kellin couldn't bare to look Oliver in the eyes as he spoke, he couldn't have his face burned into his conscience.
"Even now, your trying your best to rationalize with me but it'll just tire you out eventually. Nothing I can ever achieve will be good enough to warrant the kindness you show to me." Kellin continued, he felt Oliver stiffen but couldn't make his words stop.
"It's like I'm indebted to you, and I'll never be able to pay you back, but I'm too selfish to stop taking the love you give me." Kellin couldn't bring himself to feel bad about his words. They were just his truth, always had been.
Against Kellin's better judgment he met Oliver's eyes. Oliver's whole face looked sick, his brows here pressed together, his lips pursed uncomfortably, his eyes strained. Kellin knew if he opened up it would cause nothing but trouble and now his lover was disgusted by him. He'd finally gotten Oliver to see what he did, how parasitic it was to love something like him. He wouldn't blame Oliver if he walked away right then, left Kellin to his own pathetic vices. Groveling to find another person good-willed enough to take advantage of.
"Is that really how you see yourself?"
Kellin didn't reply, he didn't need to, they both knew the answer.
"You were right. I don't understand." Oliver said flatly, it was the response Kellin knew was coming. what Kellin hadn't prepared for was shaky hands grabbing the sides of his face.
"Everyday I wake up and remind myself that im fortunate enough to have someone who loves me as dearly as you do. Someone im in awe of and have been since the day we met. " Oliver begins, he sounds as if hes trying to force the words out without his voice breaking in between.
"Nothing you could ever do would make me grow sick of you. I know you wont believe yourself saying it so im begging you to listen to my words instead." Oliver's breaths are ragged, the look in his eyes shifts to one of desperation.
"I need you with me. Don't listen to the lies that weave themselves inside your brain, what I'm saying now is the truth. You are worthy of any love, not just mine." Oliver's voice got more steady, his face determined as his grip on Kellin's face gains pressure. "You don't owe me for my admiration, you could drag me through hell and Id stay by your side because I want to, not because you're making me." Oliver stared him down, making sure the words burrowed deeply in the other mans mind.
"If you ever feel those kind of thoughts come up again, find me. I'll always be there to help ward them off" Oliver let a small smile meet his lips as he tucked a tuff of Kellin's hair out of his face.
"I will. Thank you Oli." Kellin's mind still swirled with thoughts but they'd been out at bay by Oliver's reassurance. He was prepared to be left there to rot when he said his mind, but Oliver's steadfast love for him wasn't something he anticipated. Maybe this could be okay, he thought, maybe things could be alright like this.
"It's no problem, love you" Oliver replied quickly, scattering light kisses across Kellin's face. His hands found there way back in Kellin's hair as he placed rapid pecks to the other mans lips until he cracked a smile. Kellin curled his body back on top of Oliver's, turns out so much vulnerability can make the body pretty tired. Oliver held Kellin close in his arms like he did every night, but tonight he made sure he held a little tighter, just in case the world got its way.
"Dream of me?" he spoke softly into the crown of Kellin's head
"I will" is all the smaller boy said in response, though Oliver felt Kellin hold him just as close to his heart.