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'When did you realize you weren’t doing enough?' That singular open-ended question his teammate, Esteban, shot him earlier that day kept him wondering. It wasn’t the type of question that’ll linger because you didn’t want to answer truthfully, or that the answer was something you’re scared of admitting. As much as Oliver wanted to hate him for making him spiral thinking about his own capabilities, he needed that call for consciousness.
When Ollie had finally made his debut in Formula One, he was loving it. He loved the pace he’s following, the speed he has never felt before. And he wasn’t talking about the racing.
Something held him back, and stepping into the next level loosened its grip around him. He wasn’t quite sure what it was, not until he felt those ropes tug somewhere deep inside of him.
Many thoughts run in his mind, gaze following a familiar figure. “Were you always so obsessed about the world?” Words jumbled inside his head, hardly ever imagining a decent question—or conclusion. “Why did I disappear from your life?” That one scared him the most. Was it because he didn’t want an answer to it? Or maybe he knew the answer and just didn’t want a confirmation. Ollie refuses to let himself keep holding onto uncertainty. That’s one thing to pull you down, especially as a rising racing athlete, where you have to be most sure of everything. You can’t accept a decision with a maybe or an “I think..” statement.
Though, others may think differently.
To Kimi, he doesn’t have to be sure. He didn’t want to set expectations of himself, and he thinks that mindset was what led him in this position. He dreamt of this before, and now he’s living it. The roars, cheers, claps, praises, and trophies. Everything overlaps. But no matter how many of those lay on top of each other, there will always be the starting point. Which started from the bottom of his heart. Kimi doesn’t think, he doesn’t contemplate. Because he didn’t need to be sure. He believes that planning for perfection is false hope. No matter how high people think of him, he wants to stay holding onto what was lying deep down in his chest.
“Have you ever had enemies?”
Kimi spoke, his fangs peaking in between his lips. Matched with an accent that gave away his Italian heritage. His question was loaded, like a bucket filled with water, only releasing the question could have prevented it from spilling. George seemed taken aback.
“What?” The taller male almost laughed, unsure if the rookie was being serious or not.
“Like..” He trails off.
“Stupid media induced rivalries of some sort or ‘I want to fucking punch his face’ type of thing?” Kimi only managed to stare into the thickening weight of the air. Is it the first or the second? The gray walls slowly turn into a silhouette of his own worries. Kimi shook his head no. “Then I don’t know, dude. If I were to have enemies I’d let everybody know.” George could only shrug, sipping into his straw with his hands attached to his hips.
Kimi’s first impression of George was that he is a good guy. Kimi immediately felt welcomed at his presence, and it wasn’t really that hard to see what kind of person he truly was when they first got introduced as teammates. He knows the sport—the pros and cons, and Kimi admires that.
So, the Italian knows pretty well that George wouldn't ask unguarded questions. He knew better. And of course, they still knew the boundaries of being just co-workers between being absolute ride or die best friends like he was with Alex. “Was it Fernando?” He attempts a joke. His older teammate was now seated beside him, clicking his tongue as he sinked down. “Finally in that intense rookie battle phase, no?” Kimi only breathes out, not really able to express what he wants to say. He doesn’t know if he’s afraid, or in denial.
Kimi wasn’t familiar with any of these. He thinks of wanting to scream, but he doesn’t—and never once did that in his entire life. He doesn’t go through emotional outbursts, thinking it doesn’t really prove a point. Is he really about to tell everything to his teammate?
“Man, I can’t help you if you keep spacing out like that.”
The words are stuck in his throat, opening his mouth to only close it after. Kimi licks his lips. “Do you think- Is it okay to lose your friend- Wait no.” He found it difficult to phrase. He doesn’t think he’s losing him, and he doesn’t want to suggest that idea in his chaotic mind. “Alright. Kimi, clear your mind. Toto needs us to be calm and collected. He’s looking forward to talking to us.” George’s tone shifted, now serious.
“Sorry.” Kimi said at the tip of his tongue. “I don’t know who to talk to.” George was already standing up, about to leave. “I want to help you, but you gotta at least… write that down first. You look like an error in the system.” The British driver gave him a light squeeze on his shoulder.
He feels calmer now, knowing someone could care about his worries and could actually be willing to help him figure it out. He knows he could trust his teammate. The only problem was he didn’t know when he’d be able to pour it all out.
Months passed and Ollie was more comfortable. In the paddock, with the other drivers, and of course in racing. He’s more than glad to feel many other things and experience emotions he wasn’t aware that existed. Before Formula One, the world felt so big and he felt so small. He constantly searched for a sensation, to be part of the big leagues. He wondered how it would feel, to be able to touch or catch a glimpse. Will a transition grant him big opportunities that may possibly respond to his big dreams?
Ollie used to have nothing but a desire to be something he knows he can be. Mainly because he wanted to be good enough for someone.
“Do you know what it feels to experience love, that you’d climb the highest mountain to show that person your worth?”
Gabriel looked stunned by his question. “Uhhh?” His mouth is stuffed with the cream carbonara he had made earlier that morning.
“I think being loved enough is to be seen as enough even though there aren’t any mountains to climb.”
“Meaning, a person should know how to love you for who or what you really are. Not to prove how much they could love.” Arvid plops down on the brown leather couch with a smug look on his face, bits of dust seen flying around the sun rays passing through the window.
“What the hell.” Gabriel swallowed, looking at Arvid like he was Shakespeare.
“Dude.”
Arvid could only roll his eyes, now focused on picking a song to play. “Is this why you called us here?” Gabriel finished his food, placing his now empty drink on the table. Ollie has his eyebrows furrowed, scanning Arvid’s face in hopes of finding the answer he was looking for. He gives up eventually, realizing he isn’t a cheat code. “Anyways, Arvid wow, okay. Gabi, no.. not exactly.”
It was Wednesday, and Ollie notified their group chat so early in the morning with a message that said, “Bit of an emergency. Whoever’s free please come.” And nothing else after that. Not even an hour had passed when Gabriel came knocking, panting and chest heaving up and down. “Gabi? You-” Ollie gets cut-off by Gabriel’s exaggeration. “I was on the way to Nico’s then I saw your message so I immediately took a u-turn- I don’t know if I was allowed to take a u-turn there but I did- and- and- I almost lost my side mirror on the way-” Ollie held him firmly by his shoulders.
“Gabriel.”
It took Ollie a while before getting to calm the Brazilian down.
A few minutes later, Arvid arrives.
“Why is the door left open?”
Back to where they are currently, he and Gabriel are seated by the dining table in his newly owned condominium unit while Arvid stays quiet minding his own business. “It’s about Kimi.” The entire atmosphere froze. Gabriel forgot how to blink, and Arvid forgot how to breathe.
“I almost clicked on a song, I’m glad I didn’t ‘cuz I’d rather hear this.”