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It was a nice night.
Despite the late autumn chill that seemed to have begun months ago, tonight, the evening was full of warmth that Asa didn’t know he needed. There was not a wisp of a breeze in the air. The clear, midnight-blue sky dusted with glimmering stars stretched beyond where the eye can see. Also, perhaps most importantly, there was a tall, bewitching man with fiery red hair walking beside Asa at that very moment.
When he first met Anthony earlier that day, Asa had not been expecting him. Of course, he wasn’t expecting him, just as he never expected any number of customers in his humble little bookshop. When one did enter, however, they didn’t want to be bothered. They’d glance at Asa before giving them a quick smile, a nod, or a shake of the head, and then aimlessly browse the bookshop until they eventually got bored and left. Anthony, on the other hand, knew exactly what he was looking for.
“Uh, excuse me?”
Asa had heard a man enter, and he’d barely glanced up from the books he was sorting through to greet this potential customer, as he did for all. “Yes, can I help—”
But then, Asa had forgotten himself, for even though he had never met this man before, his heart suddenly stopped as if he’d run into an old friend whom he’d thought he’d never see again. However, Asa really hadn’t met this man before. He’d never met anyone remotely similar. Never had Asa met someone with hair as orange as a dawning day, and who wore black-tinted sunglasses when the sky was grey. The man also didn’t seem to recognise Asa, but there was a slight pause after Asa spoke, as if the man was also trying to place him, but didn’t know where.
“Uh, yeah, I was just passing the shop,” the man said, stepping forward and quickly avoiding Asa’s gaze, “do you—do you have any books on astrophysics?”
“Astrophysics… um…”
This was highly unusual. The right book almost always came to Asa. Only twice before had he been unable to provide one. The first instance was when a young woman had asked for the book on the 1810 Clerkenwell Diamond Robbery, as orchestrated by the supposed brandy smuggler and master spy, Jane Austen. The second was when a man in a black turtleneck had asked for a book on bebop, to which Asa had none of the sort. In this case, however, Asa was certain he had at least one book on astrophysics, but it seemed that it wasn’t just the customer’s hair that was on fire.
“Derek?” Asa said, turning to his friend and the owner of the bookshop, who always knew all. “Do we have any books on Astrophysics?”
Derek glanced up from the book he was reading, took one look at Asa and the customer, and pointed them beside Gardening, opposite Philosophy. Asa felt his cheeks burn hotter. Of course, that’s where Astrophysics was, and, of course, it had to be now that his handy bookseller knowledge had failed him.
“I knew that,” he murmured, offering the man a sheepish smile. “Uh, this way…”
Now that the brief awkward moment was over, Asa confidently guided the man towards Astrophysics. It was truly wonderful. Asa could feel himself smiling before even showing it. Fate was finally on Asa’s side, for he had the exact book Anthony was looking for.
“Ah, he we are,” Asa said, sliding out the very book. “Astrophysics for Everyone: From the Big Bang to the Pillars of Creation.”
Asa looked up at the man, and he noticed that he’d taken off his sunglasses only to replace them with black-rimmed reading glasses. Now, Asa could see his eyes, and they were filled with inquisitiveness, like he was studying the world at every second, trying to understand it better. It was something that Asa had also never witnessed before, but he wasn’t going to make a fool out of himself again in front of this very nice (and impeccably dressed) man.
“We’ve had this for years,” Asa remarked about the book, and then he lowered his voice, keeping this between himself and the man. “I think I could probably give it to you for half price.”
“Hmm…” The man offered Asa a polite smile before lowering his eyes and gazing upon the book. “You have no idea how much that hurts me.”
“Oh!” Asa said, his grin dropping. “Well—did I say something wrong?”
“No, I shouldn’t have said anything, sorry,” the man said, offering Asa a kinder smile. “No, um… I wrote it.”
It took a moment for Asa to realise what he meant, and as it struck him, he let out a gasp. He recommended to someone their own book. And offered it at half price! How insulted this man must’ve been!
“Oh! Well, right. Yes, you—well, I mean, you don’t want your own book. Probably already got a copy.”
“Two boxes in the garage.”
Asa let out a chuckle—in good humour and also in relief—and thankfully, this time, the man laughed with him. He returned to the books and hoped that, this time, he had the right book for this patient man. Quickly grabbing one, Asa expected more disappointment. His copy of Arthur Eddington’s book on relativity wasn’t as modern as this man might’ve wanted—and it was only a second edition. Suddenly, the man’s eyes lit up.
“I’ve always wanted a copy of this,” he said, flicking through the pages, and as he smiled, it shone brighter. “Oh, wonderful! This is my lucky day!”
“Oh, good!” Asa grinned, and then, he found himself adding, “mine, too.”
The man looked up from the book, staring at Asa, eyes still alight. “How so?” he asked, genuinely curious.
“Because, I, um…” Whatever drove Asa to say that died down, but only faintly, as he gazed at the charming man standing beneath the golden fairy lights hanging in his bookshop. “... Have—have a book you want.”
The man didn’t speak, and Asa thought that he was now studying him, searching for a deeper meaning in that answer. After a second, his smile grew wider, and Asa wondered if he had found it or not.
“Fair enough,” the man said, and his focus returned to the book. “Oh, twenty pounds, wonderful. Thank you!”
With his eyes still on the book, the man walked back towards the counter, and Asa reluctantly followed, disappointed he couldn’t keep the man in that little room for just a while longer. However, as he always said (at least, to himself), a happy customer is a job well done.
Derek wrapped up the Arthur Eddington while recommending some Brian Cox’s and, unfortunately, the big book of Astrophysics, as written by the man himself. Asa quickly corrected him, holding up the copy of Astrophysics for Everyone: From the Big Bang to the Pillars of Creation, and blabbing out that the man had two boxes in his garage. But the man didn’t seem the slightest bit offended. He appeared to be a little embarrassed himself, sheepishly saying that he should’ve mentioned it, as if he had unintentionally set up Asa for failure. Then, the man let out a little chuckle. Asa had expected that he would laugh, but it wasn’t at him. It wasn’t cruel. It was gentle, reassuring, like sharing the awkwardness that had befallen them. It was comforting enough to make Asa smile again, and then Anthony smiled, and from that smile, Asa had an inkling that the man didn’t have a single cruel bone in his body.
The man made his purchase and turned to Asa, and Asa felt hope spread through his chest, for it appeared the man had heaps more to say to him. But instead, he offered Asa one last smile, gave him his thanks, and left the shop. Asa stared after him, for there was a nagging feeling he was missing something. Despite those little missteps before, he had adequately performed his role as a bookseller. The man was pleased with his finding, and of course, a happy customer is a job well done. Yet, somehow…
“So, that was Professor Anthony Crowley.”
Asa’s head snapped towards Derek, that name striking something in his heart. “How’d you know that?”
“Hmm?” Derek hummed innocently. “Well, his name’s in big letters on the book you’re still holding.”
Asa looked down at the book and laughed. There it was in big letters, as Derek had said. Professor Anthony Crowley. Such a fitting name. He certainly carried it well, as if he had chosen it himself.
“Well?” Derek added. “Aren’t you going to go after him?”
Asa looked at Derek, bewildered. “Why would I possibly go after him?” he said, as if he hadn’t embarrassed himself enough today.
“Well, you liked him,” Derek said, “and it looked very much like he liked you.”
Asa stared at Derek, and then he stared at the door from which Anthony had left. The nagging feeling he had when he left was only growing bigger, but surely it didn’t mean Anthony liked Asa, certainly not after that interaction. Besides, not once had Asa gone after someone whom he liked. It was better to stay within the security of his bookshop, where people would go to him for things he knew he could provide. But then Asa remembered the little pluck of courage he had when he found the right book for Anthony. He’d never felt that before, not for anything, or anyone, and Asa knew it wasn’t because of Arthur Eddington’s book on relativity.
With Anthony’s book still in his hands and his eyes still on the door, Asa grabbed his jacket, flung it on, and flew outside down the street. Anthony was right at the end, just near some graffiti of a creature—with a body of an angel and a head of a demon—floating in space, aiming an arrow towards a heart.
“Oi!” Asa called. “I mean—excuse me, stop!”
Anthony turned around, looking pleasantly surprised to see Asa puffing towards him, but also equally confused. “Oh, sorry, did I leave something? Is everything okay?”
Asa tried to speak, but he was still gasping for breath, having only just caught up to Anthony, so he held out the copy of his book.
“Oh,” Anthony sighed, cocking his head. “I told you, two boxes—”
“No, I know,” Asa gasped, swallowing deeply. “Sorry, a bit puffed. No, I bought it.” Asa held out the book a little more, making a mental note to purchase the book he accidentally stole from his own shop. “Would you—could you… Sign it for me?”
Anthony looked at the book and smiled, touched. “Of course,” he said, taking the book and opening the first page. “What’s your name?”
“Fell,” Asa said. “Asa Fell, with an S.”
Anthony felt around his jacket, his hand seemingly empty. “Uh, do you have a…”
“Oh, yes, sorry!” Asa, still breathless, offered Anthony a pen he had, by miracle, tucked in the inner pocket of his jacket. As Anthony signed the book and began writing a message, Asa wrung his hands, steadied his breath, and relied on the pluck of courage he felt earlier.
“I—I need you to write your number down too, for me… so I can ask you for dinner.”
Anthony stopped scribbling, and he looked up at Asa with a soft expression on his face.
“And… you’ll say no,” Asa began babbling, already knowing what that silence from Anthony meant. “And um… but at least I’ll have asked.”
Anthony stared at Asa for a second more, then his eyes fell back upon the book, still holding the pen over the page. “Um…” he said before looking back up at Asa. “I’m not going to give you my number.”
“No, no, no, no,” Asa accepted, bearing a smile. “Sorry.”
“I’ll wait for you.” Asa went silent, and for the first time since he met Anthony, he could breathe. “Where are we having dinner?”
Asa didn’t have an answer for that just yet, but at that moment, he offered Anthony a smile, and Anthony gave him one back, full of as much hope as Asa felt suddenly spreading from his chest.
~*~
It had been instant, like a tiny, insignificant moth to a burning, passionate flame. Because, oh, was Anthony Crowley passionate. In all his years selling books, Asa had never met anyone quite as passionate about anything as Anthony. He seemed to know everything there was to know about the universe, and yet he didn’t want to stop searching for every single explanation. Furthermore, Anthony wanted to know everything about Asa, and everything Asa told him he found fascinating, from his love of books to the charming phrases his mother used, such as “scrumptious” and “tickety boo”.
Asa had never met anyone he felt like he’d known for his entire existence, and yet, every new thing he learned about Anthony only attracted him even more. However, that nagging feeling from earlier hadn’t settled. Conversely, it had only become more noticeable, as if Asa had only just realised that he had been missing something for a very long time. But it had nothing to do with what Anthony did or said. Everything about him was wonderful. Yet as the night wrapped up, Asa couldn’t help but stare at Anthony as if he were a completed puzzle with only one piece missing that Asa couldn’t find.
Anthony paid for the bill before Asa could do the honours, as it was he who had asked Anthony for dinner. It only disarmed him even more because this man really was perfect, and the fact that he was completely handsome was a nifty bonus. So why was Asa still not completely satisfied with this work of art before him? Nevertheless, Asa tried not to let it ruin this lovely night as Anthony offered to walk him home. He relished every step they took together, walking side-by-side, close enough to hold hands, but both still a little shy to make the first move. Unlike the last couple of hours, they also walked in silence—a comfortable silence, as if both were reminiscing about the night they shared, and contemplating what fate has in store for them.
Alas, the walk was short, and as Asa led Anthony around the corner, Anthony raised his brows to see that they were back at the bookshop, BOOKS, NEW & OLD, BOUGHT & SOLD, written in black font on the white sign next to the door of the teal-coloured building.
“You live here?” Anthony asked with soft surprise. “Are—are you—”
“No, no,” Asa quickly reassured him. “No, this is my home as well as my work.”
“But I thought Derek owned the shop.”
“Quite right.”
Anthony then furrowed his brows, but the corner of his mouth curled upwards. “He does know you live here, yes?”
Asa laughed, and Anthony smiled at that. “Yes, he does. I, uh, rent the apartment upstairs. Derek owns the shop, but he only helps out on the occasional weekend. Otherwise, he lives with his husband in the South Downs.”
“The South Downs?” Anthony remarked with a chuckle.
“Yes, they have a very lovely cottage. I’ve been there a few times. Cosy, with a beautiful garden in the back.”
Anthony’s smile grew. “That does sound lovely.”
Asa smiled at Anthony, and then, relying on his courage, he took a small step closer. “You’d like it, I think. At night, out there, you can see more stars than here in London.”
Anthony stared at Asa, his smile still ever-present on his face. “Do you see yourself ever living somewhere like that?”
Asa breathed out a laugh, staring back into Anthony’s shining eyes. “I think I might.”
Anthony smiled even more, if possible, and in that moment, Asa forgot all about that nagging feeling. For now, it didn’t matter what the missing piece was. If he had it his way, he would be spending even more time with Anthony, and in that time, he could find it, or, even better, come to appreciate Anthony even more because of it.
“Um, before we say goodnight,” Asa began, remembering to breathe, “would it—could I possibly—may I—”
“Oh, just shut up and kiss me already.”
Asa’s breath caught in his throat. It wasn’t just what Anthony had said. It was the way he said it, with his eyes glowing, and with a little growl in his voice that wasn’t cruel—never cruel—but playful, like he was having fun, and he knew Asa was enjoying it too. It didn’t sound like Anthony at all, but it sounded more like him than ever before. Anthony’s eyes widened, and as he spoke, the growl in his voice faded, leaving him suddenly nervous.
“Er, sorry, that was a little forward, please forget I said that—”
But Asa was barely listening anymore. He stepped even closer and placed his palms on Anthony’s cheeks, and Anthony stopped talking. With Anthony’s breath warm and fiery on his mouth, Asa smiled, leaned forward, and as he closed his eyes, he met their lips with a sigh. Then, he sharply breathed in.
~*~
There they were, in their bookshop. Only it also wasn’t their bookshop. There were birds, maybe nightingales, chirping outside the windows. There were lush, green vines growing through the walls and the shelves, and around the various knick-knacks that gave the shop its charm. Most notably, there was a large tree stump right in the middle of the shop, and hanging above the two of them were delicious red and green apples, just like in the beginning.
“So…” he said to his other, “what do you want?”
His other had one hand in his pants pocket and his eyes downcast, deep in thought, but then he looked up. “Me? Why me?”
“Because I only want one thing,” he said, knowing that his other perfectly understood what it was. “And that’s not what this is about anymore.”
His other lowered his eyes again, but he didn’t need to look into those eyes to know what his other wanted. But he had to hear his other say it, or let them both be damned. With a step forward, he repeated the same question. “What do you want, Crowley?”
His other still couldn’t look at him, like he was holding back thousands of years' worth of tears that would finally flow free if he spoke the truth. Then, with more strength and courage than he had ever seen, his other walked over and looked up, and he saw the angel that he had met all those years ago.
“You know what I want,” his other murmured, and he nodded, ready. “I want a real universe… I want the people to have a chance… I want free will to be a real thing… people deserve the chance… to live in the real world.”
He listened to every word, expecting every one of them, but none made it less unbearable.
“Even if there are no angels,” his other said, and he nodded, understanding what it meant.
“No demons,” his other said, and he listened, understanding what it meant.
“No us,” his other said, and he swallowed, painfully understanding what it meant. Then, with tears barely clinging on in his eyes, his other finished with, “ever again.”
He couldn’t bear another word. He stepped away, shuddering, his heart breaking. He closed his eyes, willing to take it all away, to go back to the moment before he stepped into that elevator and left his world behind. He could have gone to him, his other, and they could’ve run away together as his other wanted, and go somewhere where they could finally be… us. But now, there was no turning back. Now, there would be no us, as his other had said. There would only be a big, bright, ever-expanding universe, and in the middle of it all, there would be an Earth with people who would finally have a chance to live a life free of heavenly interference. They would be free to make mistakes, create their own happiness, and find love in the messiest of places. It was everything he had ever wanted for them… even if he could never be a part of it. He opened his eyes, seeing the truth for what it would be.
“Did I say the wrong thing?” his other said, his voice weary.
He laughed, full of sadness, because of course it was the wrong thing. It was also why he loved him. So, with a smile, he stepped around, walked to his other, and laughed again.
“I believe we’ve come to a decision,” he said, and his other smiled back, not alone. With a deep breath in, his other started towards the door, but he reached out and touched his other by the lapel of his blazer.
“Just let me have this one selfish act,” he said, still smiling. “Whatever happens… even if we never exist again… let this be something to remember me by.”
His other looked at him, and with a nod, a tear finally escaped from his beautiful eye. He stepped forward, gently brushed that tear away, and let his hand rest there as he lifted his other. Cupping his other’s face, they smiled together, and at the same time, they leaned in, and in those precious last moments, they let their lips touch, and nothing else existed.
~*~
He gasped and broke free. His hands were still cupping the other man’s face, but the other man was looking equally alarmed, staring straight into his eyes. With his heart beating tremendously in his chest, he mustered all the breath he had left in his lungs and whispered one word.
“Crowley?”
The other man, Anthony, whom he hoped to be really Crowley—please let it be Crowley—kept staring at him, but his eyes grew wider, and although they were now brown, he recognised them still.
Remember me… please remember me…
“Aziraphale…”
He smiled. Asa—Aziraphale—smiled, and Crowley smiled back, his eyes quickly filling with tears.
“Crowley,” Aziraphale said again, his voice nearly breaking, and Crowley held him close while turning his head all around, confused, yet overjoyed.
“What—we’re here? Why are we here?”
But whatever questions Crowley had could wait for a little while longer, for Aziraphale grabbed him by the lapels, and as he pulled him in for a blinding kiss, he had finally found what was missing. Now, he was finally complete. Crowley gasped in surprise against his mouth, but it was a pleasant surprise, for he responded with as much happiness and wrapped his arms around Aziraphale’s waist, holding him closer. Once again, there was nothing else in existence. There were only two men, neither angel nor demon, in each other’s embrace in front of a bookshop under the starry London night. It had been so long—over 13 billion years, if Aziraphale’s math was correct—that Aziraphale’s hands left Crowley’s lapels and touched his face again, and when his fingers brushed his cheeks, they knocked his glasses off his nose, causing them to fall and break on the pavement below.
“Oh!” Aziraphale gasped in despair, woefully staring at the shattered pair. “Your glasses! Oh, Crowley, I’m so sorry, I’ll have them replaced—”
“I don’t care, angel,” Crowley said with that familiar growl, and he quickly kissed Aziraphale again, wrapping his arms tighter so Aziraphale was standing on the tips of his toes.
Aziraphale hummed against Crowley’s lips, and he circled his arms around his neck, digging his fingers into his soft, red hair. They clung together, and he could feel their world spinning while they swayed in place, as if everything revolved around them. They could relish in this little existence for as long as they wanted, and then, with nothing left to intrude, they could carve out another existence entirely of their own, among the humans, as humans. In this new, infinite universe, they had found each other once again, and in each other’s arms, they finally had everything they ever wanted.