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It was not that Spencer was not happy that Straus was getting help. It made him happy that she had people beside her while she was going through her addiction. Everyone was bending over to help her and to make sure that she could get help without losing her job.
It was not that he was jealous… but maybe that was exactly what he was feeling. When he had been addicted no one came to check on him. No one tried to help, no one helped him get care from anyone else. He had rationalized it by understanding that if they did help him, he would have to lose his job. They were just protecting him.
But now, they could help someone without them losing their job. Now everything he had used to rationalize the lack of help he got was now proven untrue when it came to Straus. Spencer wanted to be happy for her, he really wanted to, but every time he saw the team help her it felt like a gut punch.
They did not even like Strauss and they still helped her this much. Spencer believed that they liked him? Did they? He had never been good with emotions and understanding other people. But this seemed like a clear signal, his team did not care about him, they did not want him here and it would be better if he just left.
He spent more time than he wanted to admit crying in his bed, his cravings were bad and he was angry that still after all this time he was not free. It was one of those nights when he felt like he should give up on being sober. That he should just throw it all away he called John.
After John spoke to him after the meeting they had kept in contact and John always said that Spencer could call him whenever he wanted. Calling John Spencer tried to understand what he should do. He thought the team liked him; they were like his family. But it seemed like everything was one sided. They were all putting up with him and it was all for show, because when it mattered, they did not give a damn about him.
That was how Spencer ended up crying in front of John speaking about how hard it was for him to understand how they could give her so much help, grace and understanding when they did none of that for him.
“You could always take paid time off; you have a lot of days saved up Spencer. Maybe removing yourself from the situation will help you understand.”
The problem, Spencer did not want to take any time off. The only reason he was alive right now was because he found a purpose in his job. To remove that from himself, he did not know how he would be able to survive that.
He was working on a paper with his friend and Canadian researcher Evelin, and even she noticed that he was not doing well right now. From emails and phone calls she could hear that he was not in the right state of mind. Telling him to take a break. But none of his team who saw him almost everyday noticed all of them too busy with work, their own lives, helping Straus…
Of course, he had to break when it was a case, it was the fifth anniversary of his kidnapping and he was feeling like shit. Like he could not function but none of that mattered because there was a killer out on the loose who needed to be found.
Spencer hated it when they had to share a room, he always felt so insecure about himself. What if they saw his scars, what if they judged him. What if they saw that he was too weak to handle the job. He was sharing with Hotch as Morgan did not want to room with him. It hurt more than it should the first time Morgan said it.
He was terrified to room with Hotch, he knew he would have nightmares, his cravings were at an all time high and he could not let the other man see how bad it was. Spencer needed this job and it would break him if he were to lose it. He thought about just not sleeping but he knew that it was something that would alert Hotch that something was wrong.
He got ready for bed hoping he was hiding his rapidly declining mental state well and that he would still have his job after this case. After showering Spencer took a moment to just look at himself in the mirror, one could count all of his ribs, he had lost all the weight he had gained from going sober.
He looked so bad, his body was screaming out for help, but no one on his team noticed. People who were trained to notice and read people's body languages. They were all missing his cries for help, but bending over backwards for Strauss, he should never allow himself to get attached to his team. Everyone always left him after a while.
Aaron had a lot on his plate, that had always been his excuse when he did not notice things that were happening on his team. He had Jack to raise, bosses to please and to help Rossi and Morgan to make sure that Strauss was getting the help she needed.
But really nothing could excuse how he managed to miss this. They had not needed to share rooms in a while which had been nice but their luck was out. This small town did not have enough beds for every one of them so they had to share.
It was when Spencer walked out of the bathroom that it for the first time hit Aaron how bad he looked. Usually, the younger man always wore so many layers, so many that it bulked up his figure a bit. But now when he was standing there in front of him in his pajamas Aaron could see how much weight the other man had lost. And he had no weight to lose to begin with.
Spencer had big dark circles under his eyes and his hands were shaking a bit. Everything in his body languished said please help me. How had Aaron not noticed this before? Spencer laid down in bed but it was clear that he did not want to be here. Aaron took the bathroom now that it was free and it was first when he got in that he let his emotions show.
Spencer had not looked this bad since he was using, how the hell had they all missed this. The man was on his last thread and they all a team of highly trained professionals had just missed it all. Anger towards himself filled him, how had he failed the younger man this badly, when had this started.
It scared him that he had no idea when Spencer’s decline had started, but from the looks of him it had been going on for a good while. He had no idea on how to bring this up, every time Aaron tried to ask Spencer how he was doing mentally the other man dogged all of his questions. He was used from a childhood of lying about his living conditions to never answer such questions truthfully.
He had to make sure that he did not take too long in the bathroom, that would tell Spencer that something was wrong and Aaron did not want to alert him. As he was now ready for bed physically but now his mind was filled with all of the worries about Spencer.
He looked at the date and Aaron knew that something big had happened on this date. Looking at his phone, he managed to figure out this was the five-year anniversary of when Spencer got kidnapped. That would explain some of the decline in the younger man, but it did not explain everything. There was something else that he was missing and he had no idea of what.
Aaron managed to fall asleep after a long while, but was woken up at the sound of crying. It was not loud in any measure, it was small sobs that normally would not have been loud enough to wake him. But he was too restless to be able to sleep deeply so he heard.
He had no idea on what he should do, he knew that Spencer was a private person and might not like it if Aaron went up now. But… Aaron could not leave him there alone and crying. There were a lot of things that he was not proud of, but how he treated Spencer after his abduction was one of his worst moments. That was why when he found out about Strauss' addiction that he tried to do everything right; do everything he wished he had done for Spencer.
He would not just lay there and listen while Spencer was hurting, he had done enough of that already, it was time for him to act like he wished he would. Aaron carefully got up and Spencer got still the moment he stood up. He carefully sat down beside Spencer on the side of the bed, brushing some hair away from his eyes so he could see him. Spencer’s eyes were broken and Aaron felt anger directed to him to fill him again.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked in a quiet voice but in the stillness it felt loud. Spencer just shook his head and another tear went down his cheek. Aaron carefully brushed it away as he was pulling his hand back Spencer took it. Spencer looked at his hand with an intense stare and Aaron wondered what it was he saw.
It was clear that Spencer wanted touch but did not know how to ask for it. So, Aaron took the initiative, it was unparodied for a boss to crawl into the bed of his employee. But things at the BAU never followed the rules.
At first Aaron was scared that he had miss calculated when Spencer went still as he laid down. But soon he started to relax and his sobs started to fill the room again. Aaron did the only thing he could, he just held him as he cried.
The next day it was clear that Spencer was embarrassed and Aaron decided that he would not bring it up until they were back after this case. But he kept a closer eye on Spencer during the rest of the case, making sure he was eating as when he had held the younger man he had been appalled by how much bone he could feel.
Soon the case was over and they were back home, everyone was just taking their things and leaving for the day but Spencer stayed at his desk writing reports like there was no tomorrow. Now that he had seen how badly Spencer was doing Aaron could not unsee it. He saw it in every action and every move of the younger man. Everything screamed, please help me, but no one else seemed to pick up on those signals.
After everyone was gone Aaron made his move down to Spencer, asking him to come up to his office. He could see that Spencer was expecting something some reprimanded in his eyes, but Aaron had no idea of why he would feel that way he had not done anything wrong.
In his office Aaron decided to sit down at the couch and not at his desk, he did not want Spencer to feel like he was in trouble. After they both sat down there was a tense silence in the room.
“Spencer, I just wanted to ask you how you are doing.” Spencer looked up at him and Aaron was surprised at the amount of anger in his gaze.
“Everything is fine.” Spencer said his tone, warning him not to push it.
“If something is bothering you, I want you to know that you can always come to me to speak about it.” Aaron said, trying to diffuse the situation. He was shocked when Spencer started laughing, not his normal laugh but a hurt and angry one.
“We both know that it is a blatant lie, I would prefer it if you did not lie to me.” Spencer said through girthed teeth.
“Spencer, I don’t know what it is that I have done…” But he was interrupted before he was done speaking.
“Done!... Done this is not about what you have done, this is about what you didn’t do. But I understand… Strauss is a more important member of the team than me. I get it, there is no reason to rub salt in the wounds okay!” Now Aaron got confused, what did Strauss have to do with anything of this?
“You know at the time I thought you were trying to protect me from losing my job, but now I can see that it was just what I told myself to feel better. You all have just never cared… But that is okay, I won't make that mistake twice.” Spencer’s voice got quieter, now his anger was waning and his hurt was taking over. Aaron tried to speak again when Spencer stood up.
“You know what, I can’t do this, I… I have to go.” Spencer rushed out before Aaron could get another word in.
He was left in a silent office wondering where the hell everything had gone bad. What was that about Strauss? What had been going on with her… The answer hit him with force, he should have known this was coming. The common thing between the two of them was that they had an addiction and if you looked at the team's response…
Aaron tried to put himself in Spencer’s shoes, how he would be feeling if his worst moment the team had ignored him. But then when Strauss had the same problem everyone dropped what they were doing to try and get her help. It was not a nice feeling, not at all.
Rubbing salt in the wound that is what Spencer had said, and now looking back Aaron felt ashamed. Because he had not thought about it, but now when he had it brought to his attention that is what all of them had been doing. Showing Spencer how much they could have cared and how much they could have helped him when he was left alone abandoned really by every one of them.
Closing his eyes he wondered what he should do about this. It was clear that Spencer was so affected by this and who would not be. But still the team had been oblivious to his problems, again. He did not know if he should bring this up to the rest of the team as he did not want Spencer to feel like he was betraying him.
He looked at his watch and went through the motions of packing his bag and leaving to pick up Jack from Jessica. When he got there, she only needed one look to see that something was wrong. So, Aaron told her the whole situation not trying to make himself look any better after he was done Jessica was silent for a while.
“That, that might be one of the most hurtful things you could have ever done to him, you know.” She said while her voice was not angry it was not kind either. Aaron closed his eyes and leaned back on the sofa.
“I have no idea on how to fix this.” He said after a while.
“I don’t know if this is something you can fix.” Was Jessica’s reply and that shook Aaron to his core, could he be losing Spencer over this. He would not even blame the other man if he decided to leave them all, they would have deserved it.
“If I were you, I would not let the topic drop. If you do that now you will just prove that it is true that none of you care about him.” Aaron nodded, he would have to come up with a way to speak to Spencer in private.
Later at home while Jack was asleep Aaron was putting down everything he thought into a letter. He knew that Spencer really liked letters, they meant a lot to him. He did not want to pressure Spencer into saying he was his boss after all. So, he did the only other thing he could think of and that was to write a letter. It was hard to put all of his thoughts into words but he did his best.
To Spencer
I just wanted to tell you about how sorry I am for making you feel like I do not care, but I can not blame you. If you look at my actions one can see that I have treated you horribly. There is no excuse for how I treated you after we got you back from Hankel. I took you to the hospital and once we were back at home I did not follow up.
I did not check on you like I should have; I also did not check on you when you were deep into addiction. I can’t even blame Gideon for how I acted, the fact was that you were hurting and I ignored it. I did not call you, did not help you.
When you were in my arms after we got to you, I wish that I would have just stayed there with you. Gotten you the help that everyone could see you needed. But I did not, and that is on me and I will forever be extremely sorry about that.
I should have spoken to you way earlier than I did about how we were acting for Strauss. I was ashamed about how I had not helped you, and I told myself if I were in that position again, I would act differently. So, when it came about her addiction I decided to act like I wished I would have for you.
I can now see how this opened up all of the old wounds and how we were rubbing salt in them every time we treated her way better than we ever treated you. I am so sorry I made you feel like I did not care. I am so sorry for how I acted five years ago and how I have acted till this day.
I should have talked to you long ago about what happened but I just kept pushing it up, and you deserve better than that. You deserve all the care in the world and once again I want to tell you how sorry I am, and I want you to know that you are always welcomed at my place.
Sincerely yours Aaron Hotchner
After the letter was written Aaron felt wrung out and decided to go up and go to bed. He had stayed up for too long and knew he would be tired in the morning, but sleepless nights were nothing new to him.
Spencer did not mean to have a breakdown in front of Hotch, he had not planned on ever bringing it up. But it had all just hurt too much for him and now he might lose his job. The one last thing that was going well for Spencer was the thing that got him up in the mornings.
After he left Hotch’s office he called John in a panic, crying and in the middle of a panic attack. The man had asked him if he wanted to go to a meeting and Spencer agreed. John picked him up from the office and drove him there.
Spencer was still crying when he got inside and sat there silent for the most of the meeting. He felt horrible, how could he act like this because a woman got the help that she needed, how selfish he was to make this about himself.
Spencer told them about what had happened and how he reacted. He was ready that everyone would get angry at him for wishing that Strauss should never have gotten help. But instead, he got a lot of sympathy and care. After the meeting Spencer was wrung out and just went home and straight to bed.
The next day his eyes were puffy and he still felt like shit. Thankfully it was Saturday so he would not have to go into the office. Spencer was glad that he would not have to explain what had happened all over again.
He was sitting on his sofa watching the original star trek when there was a sound outside of his apartment, and then a letter fell in. Spencer stayed frozen ; he did not want the other person to know that he was home. He was glad when he heard the steps of the man leaving, Spencer could guess that it was Hotch just from listening to his gait.
It brought all of his emotions up to the surface again and Spencer slowly walked up to the letter as it would attack him. Opening the letter carefully he read slowly as he wanted to take every detail in.
He did not notice when he started to cry until a tear landed on the page. It felt good to have Hotch say that the way he was treated was wrong. But it still brought up all of his hurt emotions. He took a break crying his eyes out again and then went back to the letter. He started to analyse it without noticing at first. He could see where Hotch kept the pen still for a longer period of time and how he was careful with his wording. Spencer knew that this was not his first attempt at writing the letter.
While it felt good to have his pain acknowledged what had happened, and for him to validate his feelings. But Spencer had no idea of where this left them, what would be expected of him now? Calling John, he told him about the development and asked for advice.
That was how Spencer ended up in front of Hotch's door late so that he knew that Jack would be asleep and they would be alone. He stood there for a long while not knocking. He almost did it mutable times but could not manage. But after a while he pulled himself together and just knocked.
The knock surprised Aaron but he knew who it was on the other side of the door before he opened it. Spencer had come to him; it was more than he had even let himself believe would happen.
Opening the door, he found Spencer shivering outside, he let the man in and again he saw how much weight the other man had lost. He could see that he was shaking so he put a blanket over him and that seemed to ground him.
“Thank you for the letter.” Spencer broke the silence with a small voice.
“I should have written that letter long ago, I am sorry that I hurt you so much.” Spencer started to shake again trying not to cry and Aaron put his arm over his shoulders.
“I… I think I need a break, take leave, get… get my head back on straight again just get some distance.” It felt like someone had punched him when he heard that, but it probably was for the best.
“I understand, you can take time off, you have a lot of leave, take as much time as you need.” Spencer nodded and pushed himself deeper into Aaron’s arms. It was the desperate need for touch that made him feel even more horrible than he already felt.
“Do you want me to tell the rest of the team or do you want to do it?” Aaron asked after a while he felt Spencer tense.
“I… I don’t know, it would be nice if you did it but… it feels like I am hiding away.” Spencer spoke in a soft voice.
“I don’t think that it will hide away, it is more about what you think that you can handle right now. If it is too much to go and tell them then let me do it.
“I… I will have to think about it.” Aaron decided not to push it. They stayed on the couch and Aaron could feel how tired Spencer was.
“Why don’t you stay the night?”
“No, I don’t want to impose I can leave.”
“You are not imposing, I am offering.” They stayed for a while just looking at each other. Aaron saw the moment that Spencer let the tiredness win. They got ready and Aaron convinced Spencer that they could share a bed, as Spencer refused to take the bed with Aaron on the couch. Soon Spencer feels asleep leaving Aaron with his thoughts.
It was good that Spencer came to him, that he was open to speaking with the team. That meant that they might still be able to save their relationship. Aaron would hate it if Spencer felt that he needed to leave the BAU because of him.
Waking up Aaron saw that Spencer was still sleeping and he had managed to wake up before Jack. He snuck out of his room and decided to make pancakes; he wanted to do something fun for Spencer. Show that he cared even though he was horrible at showing it.
Jack soon woke up and was very excited to have pancakes for breakfast. It took a while but soon Spencer got up as well. The younger man tried telling him that there was no need to make such a fuss that he was over, but Aaron disagreed.
“I… I was wondering if you could tell the team, I… it feels like my brain isn’t working, I can’t seem to get the words out. I only managed to tell you because I was so angry, but… I really don’t want to be angry.” Jack was busy with the TV and Aaron was washing the dishes when Spencer spoke up.
“That is okay, take your time, I will tell the team that you just needed some distance and we will work from there.” Spencer nodded looking down in his coffee.
“I also want to tell you that just because you are taking a break from work does not mean you can’t come over if you want. My door is open for you if you need it.” Now Spencer looked up at him in shock. Had he really been that bad with showing that he cared for him more than just his employee? He cared for Spencer like a close friend, someone he could confide in, he would have to make that clearer in the future.
Spencer left and Aaron did his best to enjoy his Sunday off, playing with Jack but still wondering on how he should break the news to the team. He did not believe that anyone had been acting in bad faith, this all was just a big mess of old wounds getting ripped open and conversations that should have happened long ago coming up.
The next day Aaron got ready for work and got Jack ready for school. He hoped that they would not get a case so that he could be the one to pick up Jack. In the office he was the first one there, he looked over at Spencer’s desk, it would look very empty now without him here for a while.
Usually, Spencer came not too long after him but as he was not coming Aaron had to wait a good while before his team started to trickle in. As soon as everyone was there, he called them to the meeting room. Everyone was confused if they had gotten a case or not, but also wondering where Spencer was.
“I will start with telling you all that Spencer has decided to take some leave and will not be here for a while.”
“For how long?” Garcia asked, looking worried.
“I don’t know, don’t believe he knows either.” Aaron said and he could see worry start to fill Garcia.
“What happened, it is not like the kid to just take leave, very unlike him.” Rossie said and now it came for the difficult conversation.
“I will start by bringing you up to speed, five years ago Spencer got kidnapped by a man who killed Hankel, there he was beaten, drugged, killed and then later brought back to life.” Aaron saw Rossie take in the information and he also saw the curious looks from the rest of the team.
“After he got back, Spencer was addicted to opioids and kept that addiction going for a while.”
“Hotch, man, why are you bringing all of this up now?” Morgan asked and Aaron could understand his surprise; they had never spoken to each other about the fact that Spencer was addicted.
“Because this plays a big part in why he felt that he needed to take some leave.” The rest leaned forward listening so he continued.
“During this time Gideon was the one who primarily took care of Spencer even though I was his boss. But that is just another excuse isn’t it.” It shocked him how easy his old excuses were already coming back. “Well, I as team leader did not handle it the way I should have. Gideon told me that he was fine and it was just PTSD and I decided to believe in that and just ignore the problem. No one ever helped Spencer get help for his addiction, we all just let him free fall.” Now he saw that Emily had understood what the problem was, he could see the pained expression.
“I bring all of this up because none of us meant it that way, when we got aware that Strauss had addiction problems.”
“We all jumped in to help her.” Emily finished his scents. Now he could see the rest understanding what was happening.
“So, we showed Spencer that we could help someone who was addicted without them having to lose their job, but we just won’t help him. We just ripped open those old wounds and rubbed salt in them every single time we helped Strauss.”
A tense silence filled the room while everyone was thinking about what had happened for a while. How they missed the hurt confused looks from Spencer. How the man started to spiral out of control but none of them noticed or stepped in to help.
“Where is he now?” Morgan broke the silence.
“He went back home after I spoke with him, he said… he said that he did not want to seem to be hiding away from you all but that he did not want to be angry at you right now.” Morgan nodded, guilt was clear on his face, he had taken up the role as Spencer’s big brother and he had not noticed. Aaron believed that he felt the same way he had, that they would do it right this time around but in the fact that they had not spoken with Spencer before about what had happened with him, they ended up making it all worse.
“He got angry with you?” Rossie said in surprise, and Aaron had to admit that he also had not expected it at the time.
“When Spencer is hurt, and he feels like he is in a corner he lashes out.” He explained, “I asked some questions that made him feel like he was in a corner.”
The rest of the day went well without a new case but there was a heavy feeling in the air. Aaron really had no idea on how to make all these years of suffering in silence up to Spencer, did not know if he ever could. But he would try, he would do his best.
Derek felt horrible, he had not thought that this could happen at all. He had never meant to let Spencer free fall with his addiction; it was just so hard to broach the topic. But that was no excuse on how he treated the man he saw as his younger brother.
Now he had rough patches in his life, he had fallen with a bad crowd before and he had gotten himself out of that. He should have known that his actions would affect Spencer. The man was not weak but he was sensitive and the fact that he had not taken it up with him explained his guilt… he knew that he had hurt him badly.
When he was hit with these kinds of dilemmas, he often called his mom, she always knew what to do, what to say. But he was worried that not even his mom would know a way out of this. He explained the situation to her once he got home and sat there in silence as she thought it through.
“You need to go out right now and get to that boy you hear me.” Were her answer and her advice had never steered him wrong before.
Derek stopped at Spencer’s favourite Indian take away as he would never arrive empty handed and soon found himself outside of Spencer’s apartment. He stood outside of Spencer’s door for a long while before he knocked.
When the door opened, Derek was hit with the truth that Spencer looked a lot worse that he had let himself believe. The skinny man had so many bones, how had he not seen it before? To focus on helping others to see his brother breaking down. But this all ended now Spencer meant a lot to him and it was time that Derek showed him that.
They sat down to eat and soon Spencer started to cry, he held him as long as he needed. Then Derek explained what had happened, how he had no idea on how to act when Spencer got addicted, that there was no excuse. He then spoke about how ashamed he had been of himself, how he wowed to never let someone hurt like that ever again. How Strauss' problems showed up, and how he saw his chance to be better.
He ended up staying the night there at Spencer’s apartment and before he left for work, he made sure that Spencer ate breakfast. When he later told his mom about how skinny the younger man now was, she ended up sending recipe after recipe. She had thought Spencer was too skinny when they met so she was horrified to hear that he had lost weight.
It hit a point when Spencer felt that he had no more tears left, everyone on the team had come by now. JJ had brought over a pie and they both had ended up crying. Emily had showed up with many bags of specialty coffee and baked goods from a café near her. Garcia had showed up with cupcakes, tears and hugs. The last one was Rossie, and they ended up having a slow conversation about what had truly happened there when he was kidnapped.
He felt that this was enough tears and decided to just focus on academics. That was his coping mechanism for everything and it felt nice to slip into that bubble. Not having anyone's life on his hands just being able to look at the statistics. Write his papers to prove his point, try to advocate for those who need it.
Spencer had been scared that now that he was taking time off that the team would forget about him. But he could not have been more wrong, they were there a lot showing up when they could, and Spencer loved them for that. Once his leave was over while he still was a little hurt, he felt lighter and more loved than he had in years.
Going back to work just felt right and now back at his desk Spencer let himself get lost in the paper work. Smiling as Derek walked by and gladly taking a coffee with Emily when they both needed a break. Hotch placed a hand on his shoulder when he walked by. He was so glad to have them all by his side.
The end