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"Have you reached a verdict?"
"Yes, your honor. In the charge of murder in the 1st degree, we find the defendant," the juror paused. "Not guilty."
Nolan felt the color drain from his face. He watched with a blank expression as the defendant was released.
"Members of the jury, we thank you for your service today. Court is adjourned." The judge said. Nolan couldn't believe it. He had been so sure. He stood with Sam absent-mindedly and slowly walked down the aisle to the door. He was stopped by the father of the victim, who was a 16-year-old boy who died of an overdose from an unknown drug, who was grabbing his arm.
"You fucking bastard. You said he would go to prison." He hissed. His wife was crying, and his young daughter was looking up at Nolan with sad eyes.
"I-Im sorry--" he tried as Sam pulled him out the door and to an Uber back to the office. Nolan was silent. He had been so sure. All the evidence was there. The fingerprints. The DNA. The video. But someone stole it. And all of a sudden, they had nothing to prove the crime except for a confession. Which meant nothing because he didn't have a lawyer with him. This man, who sold drugs to Teenagers, was found not guilty. And it was his fault. He should have listened to Riley and waited for more evidence. But he was so sure and so ready to put the man behind bars. And now it was all for nothing. Nolan felt his heart start to race.
"Nolan? did you hear me?" Nolan was snapped out of his thoughts by Nick's voice. he hadn't even realized that he was standing in Nick's office.
"What?"
"I asked if you were ok. I know what winning this case meant to you," he looked over to Sam who had taken Nolan's phone because it was blowing up with calls and texts. "Are you ok?"
Nolan thought for a moment. he wasn't. he wasn't ok. but he was also the EADA. he had to be strong. one bump in his carreer couldn't be the end of the world.
"Uh, y-yeah. im alright. I think I have a report to fill out and then I, uh... I think I'll go home." he took a breath. before either one of his colleuges could say anything, he rushed out of the office and into his own. he locked the door and closed the blinds. he couldn't do this. not again. he couldn't let it happen again. Not after last time. all he could do was ignore it and hoped the feeling would go away.
The next few hours were a blur to him, he didn't even notice Sam say goodnight as he got in the elevator. He hailed a taxi. He walked to his building. He went up the stairs, not worrying about the elevator. He unlocked his door, opened it, closed it, locked it again. His keys went in a bowl next to his coats. He could do this. He could handle it. He just had to not think about it. Thats all.
He went into his bedroom and closed the door. He kicked off his shoes and put them away. Next came his jacket, which was hung up with his trousers. He put on a pair of sweatpants. So far so good. He walked into the bathroom and washed his face, combed his hair, brushed his teeth. He reached into a drawer next to his bed and looked for the book he had been reading. But he opened the wrong drawer and instead of finding his book, he found a framed picture of his brother. It used to sit on the wrap-around counter in the kitchen. But he put it away for this specific reason. He couldn't look at it.
Nolan began to shake. He backed up to the wall, dropping the picture on the floor. He could feel his walls starting to break. His breathing became staggered and his eyes began to well with tears. He squeezed his forearm as he sank to the floor. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this...!
He sobbed. I can't do this.
He heard the sound of his door opening through his panic attack and felt hands gently grab his face and then pull him into an embrace.
Juli was walking back to her hotel after a very heated argument with another record manager trying to force her into a contract. She and the band liked being independent. But after the whole murder trial 7 months before, everyone was trying to grab them. They all thought that having the girls in their record companies would make them more money but Juli was trying to avoid the press for a while. Their tour had gone pretty well, considering circumstances and Nolan even showed up to one of their concerts which warmed Juli's heart.
As she was pulling out her keycard, her phone rang. She didn't recognize the number but it was a Brooklyn area number so she answered.
"Yello, you got Juli!" She answered.
"Hey Juli, its Nick."
"Eyyyy the boss man. How's it going?"
"Im alright. But I need your help." Nick had concern in his voice, Juli could hear it as he spoke.
"What's up?" She asked as she put her purse down.
"Its Nolan. We just lost a case and I don't think he's taking it very well."
"How do you mean?"
"He's not returning my calls or my texts, he's pale, and it just feels like he needs someone right now. But you might be better equipped to handle him."
"What was the case?"
There was a pause. "A drug dealer gave an untested drug to a minor who overdosed."
Juli cursed. "Alright, meet me at his building." Nick agreed and hung up. Juli wasted no time putting her coat back on and running to the door of the hotel. She hailed a taxi and paid. Her car pulled up at the same time as Nick's and they met half-way. They hugged for a second and then made their way up to Nolan's floor. The door, unsurprisingly, was locked. Nick just so happened to have a key.
"Why do you have a key?" Jul asked with a smirk.
Nick blushed. "He gave it to me in case I needed to get in late at night or early in the morning," he replied.
"God you guys are adorable," she smiled to herself as Nick rolled his eyes and unlocked the door. He called Nolan's name but there was no answer. So they both went inside. He wasn't in the kitchen, or on the couch. He wasn't in the bathroom, or his small office. So te last place was his bedroom which was closed. Juli decided to go first. She opened the door and didn't see him at first. But when she heard tearful, panicked breathing she looked to the floor and saw her uncle sitting against the wall to her right. He was grabbing at his arm which wasn't a good sign. He was also rocking back and forth in an attempt to calm himself. Nick covered his mouth saying something muffled.
Juli slowly crouched down in front of Nolan. He didn't react to her, which meant that he didn't notice she was there. Too caught up in his own thoughts. She gently put her hands on his face, trying to get his attention.
"Hey, Nolan look at me. You're alright. Everything's fine," she pulled him into an embrace and shushed him as he sobbed in her arms.
"I-I couldn't--- d-do-- it--" he managed, barely a whisper. "I couldn't d-do it--"
"Shhhh....you're alight," she said softly as she rocked with him.
"I couldn't save him. I-I c-couldn't save any of th-them..!" He cried. Juli looked behind her to Nick who was just as lost.
"The evidence getting stolen wasn't your fault, Nolan. Things like that happen. It wasn't your fault," she tried.
But Nolan shook his head fiercely. "Its not just th-that. Chris. And the subway," he forced out. Nick gasped. The Subway. He wasn't the DA when the shooting had happened. But Jack had told him about it. How Nolan had witnessed it. Nick never knew what effect ir had on him.
"Everyone I couldn't save. Every case I've lost. All the innocent people who have been convicted, all the bad people I defended. People have died because of me." He continued. Nick finally got down on the floor next to the pair and took Juli's place. She left them alone to get Nolan some water, and herself a beer. She knew he must have a bottle somewhere.
Nick held his lover until he had calmed down enough to listen and breathe correctly.
"Listen to me very closely, love," Nick took his face in his hands and leaned their foreheads together. "It is not your job to save everyone. You job is to do the best you can to get justice for those who have been wronged. You aren't perfect. You are going to lose cases. You can't win them all. I don't know who stole the evidence, but I hope they rot in hell.
As for the subway, you couldn't have stopped what happened. You just couldn't have. No one could have. What happened in that subway wasn't your fault. What's important is that you did what you do best: you stood up and made a difference."
"But people still died," Nolan said, his voice small and tired.
"Yeah, they did. And you made sure that the asshole who killed them got what he deserved."
"But Chris--"
"Wasn't your fault either. And I think if he knew that you were still blaming yourself for that, he'd tell you not to. He'd tell you that you make a difference every. Single. Day. Just like im saying to you right now. Every day you help to make this city a little safer by prosecuting the bad people. Yes, you defended some bad people to. But you also defended innocent people. You did your job. And you have nothing to apologize for or be ashamed of. And if anyone tells you differently, they can talk to me about it."
Nolan chuckled lightly at that. Nick helped him up and into his bed as Juli came back with water. Nick left to see if Nolan had any hot cocoa mix. He found a few packets and began to boil some water. Juli entered the kitchen.
"I have to go. Got a plane to catch tomorrow morning. You think you got this?" She asked as she put on her coat.
"Yeah, I think i do. Thank you for coming." Nick smiled as she pulled him into another big hug.
"No problem. Keep me updated." With that she left after spraying some whipped cream into her mouth. Nick finished with the two mugs of cocoa and made his way back to Nolan, kicking off his shoes on the way. Nolan was under his covers laying on his side. He was exhausted. But what else was new? Nick found his natural tiredness very attractive. But not when it made him upset.
Nolan's head perked up when he smelled the sweet chocolate. "You made me cocoa?" He asked with a smile.
"Jules used to make it for me after a hard day. Thought I'd give it a whirl," he handed Nolan his mug and sat next to him against the headboard. "So, you feeling better?"
"A little. I was able to hold in my emotions for so long. But after my dad--" his breathing hitched again. So he breathed in deep and let it out, like Juli had shown him. "Its just been harder to hold it all in, y'know?"
"Yeah, I get it. I member the first case I lost. A homicide, three dead. All girls under the age of 20. I thought our case was solid so I pushed the trial. The defense turned around for an eleventh-hour ambush and the guy was found not guilty. I was so upset. But do you want to know what advice I got?"
Nolan shrugged.
"A great man once told me, "Defense attorneys distort the facts.They are not bound by the truth. They are bound to obfuscate it if it serves to get their clients acquitted. And they should be commended for it, and it is what makes the system work."" He said in a gravely impression.
Nolan looked at him with puffy eyes. "Jack told you that."
Nick nodded. "Yup. And he also told me that even when we try our hardest to save everyone, there's no right or wrong way to go about it. All we can do is hope that the law is respected and used to get justice." He ran his hand through Nolan's hair. "You know what else he told me?"
"Hmm?"
"Before he left Jack McCoy told me that you were one of the best, if not a little arrogant, prosecutor he had ever had the pleasure to work with."
"He called me arrogant?"
"Maybe a little. But he also said that you were determined and selfless. Of course, I already knew that," he chuckled. "But i think the fact that you're a little arrogant makes you a better lawyer."
"Yeah, I suppose." He took a sip of bis cocoa. "Did Anna leave already?" Nolan asked after a while. They finished their mugs and set them aside.
"Yeah, said she had a plane to catch in the morning. She also gave me these," Nick reached into his pocket and pulled out three tickets for one of her concerts. It wasn't with her band though. They were for a symphonic performance. "She said she's playing the trumpet. Thought we could go."
"There's three?"
"One for Sam too. A seat that is very far away from ours." Nick smiled.
"Wow. She thought of everything." Nolan sighed as he leaned against Nick. "Im tired..."
"Yeah, im not surprised. You want me to go? I can clean up while you rest--"
"No, stay. I want to wake up next to you in the morning."
He walked into his office feeling refreshed. He had decided that going to a concert might be a good break, so he and Nick had booked a plane to Texas. Other than the heat and humidity, they had a good time and the music was nice. When they returned to New York, work came too fast. But Nolan didn't mind. It was nice to be back in his office. He saw a stack of paperwork and almost rolled his eyes until he heard Sam knock on the doorframe.
"Hey, how was the concert?" She asked as Nolan sat down.
"It was great. Anna had a solo and, I admit I don't know much about music, but I don't think she missed a single note. How was everything without us?" He asked.
"Fine. Had a few interns who really wanted to sit in your office but I told them no." They both laughed. "So... how are you?"
Nolan took a breath and thought for a moment. "You know what? Im doing alright."
She smiled. "I'm glad to hear it--"
"Mrs Maroun?" A woman interrupted her. "There's a call for you."
Sam groaned. "This has been happening all week. I cannot handle being the ADA, EADA and the DA all at once. I am SO glad you two are back," she took the phone and answered it. Nolan smiled at her and closed his door to have some privacy. He sat and stared at the paper pile on his desk. He opened a drawer to get out a pen and saw a familiar Picture. It was one that his father had taken of nolan and his brothers before Nolan went off to law school. They were all smiling and laughing. They had just finished snowboarding in the Rockies. It was one of his favorite memories. But instead of feeling sad, he felt gratitude. Gratitude for his family, for Sam, for Nick. He placed the picture back on his desk and dusted it off. Then he set to work getting through his work.