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13 missed calls.

It wasn’t unusual for Andie to miss calls from friends and loved ones during duty hours. She usually leaves her personal phone in her office whenever she does her rounds in the emergency room, and her close family and circle know to call her on her office phone or work mobile if there truly is an emergency. She does this to avoid distractions during work. Not that she thinks anyone or anything will distract her, or at least, not anymore.

She has been leaving her phone in her office for three years.

But thirteen missed calls? Call her superstitious, but she hated the number thirteen so much. You would think a doctor of her calibre would ignore such beliefs and superstitions, but throughout her thirty-plus years, she has learned not to ignore such things. From where she came from, science, superstitions, and religion being mixed into one is a thing. And she would never deny that, too. It wasn’t like her hold on her beliefs wasn’t founded—she has learned not to ignore those the hard way. 

She hated the number thirteen; she had always associated it with all the bad things that had happened in her life. When she tripped so badly that she had to have her leg undergo surgery back when she was in sixth grade, she was holding a box with thirteen donuts on it. Her beloved grandma died on the thirteenth of January, just thirteen months after her grandpa died. When their city called for 12 outstanding students to receive a college scholarship in Manila, she was 13th in the rankings. She can rack her brain for more of these, and her list can go on until dawn, and it was just ten in the evening.

As she groans while slumping into her office chair and puts her personal phone down, she looks around her office. Her desk lamp was the only light source in her office, and it made the nameplate on her desk shine a bit more brightly.

Andrea Louise Arceta, MD, FPCEM

But the frame beside it, facing her, takes her attention instead. It was an old, dusty frame, and as she took a glance at what was in it, she sighed. She looks up at her ceiling and lets herself bask in nostalgia—it was the first poem her first love gave her, the first of many. 

Juniper Kayziel Robles. Her first love, whom she met during her second undergraduate year. It was the thirteenth of June when she met her. Meeting Juniper wasn’t bad, but the fact that they met when the then-first-year journalism major decided to intervene when some guys tried to take advantage of her was. It wasn’t the ideal meeting scenario, and she lowkey blamed the date for it, but she remembers those strong and fiery eyes that glared at the men while she beat them up in the alleyway. Those same eyes stared at her gently and softly while checking on her, with gentle yet sturdy arms holding her until they reached the younger girl's car. 

It wasn’t the ideal first meeting, but it didn’t deter Aiah from getting to know the charismatic freshman even more. But she couldn’t get anything from the girl, not even her name. Fortunately, they accidentally meet again a few weeks later when they realize they are both applying to the same organization that semester.

June was easy to befriend and get along with, but for Andi, it was easier for her to fall for the ball of sunshine. She would always spend time with the girl, even though they had differing majors, with the Psychology major using their org application as her excuse. The younger girl didn’t seem to mind, either, so Andi took it as a sign for her to just continue what she was doing. The more time they spent together, the closer they became, and the more open and bare they became towards each other.

After thirteen months of friendship, Andi confesses, and after thirteen days, June answers her with a sweet yes. 

Andi takes a deep sigh as she looks at the poem again. It was cheesy and cringeworthy for an aspiring journalist to write, but for her, it was a testament to how June laid her heart bare for her to hold. But some things really don’t last, she muses somberly. She just wished she could have taken better care of that heart before she exchanged it back for hers.

Her personal phone vibrates, breaking her train of thought. She checks the caller ID and sees an unknown number. With furrowed eyebrows, she rejects the call, thinking it might be a scam call or telemarketing strategy. But before she could lock her screen, she noticed that it was the same unknown number that had called her thirteen times. Curious, she checks her call logs and, judging from the record, the number has been trying to call her for almost 30 minutes. 

“Hala, sino to?” She mutters to herself with furrowed eyebrows.

She opens her messaging app and, as her fingers hover over the keyboard, she notices she already has a message history with the number. She freezes, however, when she sees the last message sent to her.

Andi, I’m truly sorry. It’s all my fault. Can’t we still talk things out?

The message was sent three years ago, thirteen days after her breakup with June. Quickly scrolling through the past messages, she realizes whose number this was.

Right. She deleted Juniper’s number.

She remembers reading that message while crying her heart out and ignoring it afterwards. Back then, she was still hurting, their last argument still ringing in her head that time.

Don’t you realize na you’re dragging me down, Andrea?!

I’m dragging you down?! I’ve done nothing but support you, Juniper!

She shakes her head, trying to forget that painful memory, and returns to her headspace in the present. Why would her ex-girlfriend call her thirteen—well, fourteen times? They have not met at all since their breakup, and they even made sure they wouldn’t meet again, even if their circles of friends met, with either one or the other always missing. And all of her friends know that she doesn’t have her phone with her during duty. It wasn’t like June calls randomly, either—the journalist hated random and spam calls herself, and she even texts before even pressing that call button on her phone.

Before she can type a reply or even try to call June’s number, her work phone rings. With a snappy response like doctors usually have, she quickly pulls out her phone and answers the call without bothering to check the caller ID.

“Doctor Arceta speaking, hello.”

“Andi?” A sweet voice answers. “Nasa ospital ka pa?”

Mackenzie Yves Ricalde, her best friend and constant companion at the emergency room. Even though she was a year younger than Andi and is known to have such a sunny disposition in life that makes her almost happy-go-lucky, Mackenzie has proven herself to be an indispensable member of the Emergency Medicine Department. She is even one of the most looked-up-to doctors in their hospital, along with Andi herself, by the young medical professionals they meet. 

“Macky? Bakit ka sa work phone ko tumawag? 'Di ka ba off-duty na?”

“Andi, bumalik ako. Pinatawag ako sa ER. May ganap.”

Her usual happy-sounding voice sounds too subdued, but Andi is too tired to notice.

“Ha? Eh hindi naman tayo understaffed—”

“Hindi kita tinatawagan as Doctor Arceta. Tinatawagan lang kita as Andi.”

If she hasn’t noticed Macky’s serious tone, then she definitely is now. She sits up, her tired demeanor replaced by a more serious one. She recognizes that tone—sometimes, Andi wonders if Macky and Dr. Ricalde are two different people, given how different she is when she is in work mode.

“Pero sa work phone ko ikaw tumawag?”

“Sabi ng responder dito, ikaw daw emergency contact nung isa dito. 'Di ka raw sumasagot. Malamang sa malamang 'di mo hawak personal phone mo kanina.”

Emergency contact? Since when has she become an emergency contact for anyone? Andi raises an eyebrow even though the one at the end of the line couldn’t see it.

“I don’t remember being an emergency contact of someone, Macky.”

“I know one.”

Macky pauses—not the dramatic pauses that she usually does with friends, no. Her breathing sounded too heavy, so heavy that Andi could hear it clearly. It was as if her best friend didn’t want to say her next words. She doesn’t understand, but all of a sudden, her hands feel clammy, and her head heavy as she dreads what Macky is about to say next. A sudden feeling of nervousness takes over her that she can’t even identify or understand. 

Her best friend’s words haunt her for the rest of the evening.

“Si June.”

For the past four years, Juniper’s name has become a steady household name in the field of journalism and media broadcasting. 

It wasn’t like she was unknown before that—June had always been a great journalist. When she started as a small-fry writer for a big newspaper, her articles would always get hit after hit. She has always been eyed by some industry constants even when she was still a student—entering university at the age of 17, earlier than most of her peers, was a feat they wouldn’t overlook. She has always been a hard worker and a perfectionist, too. Her work would always be flawless; whether it was an article, a broadcast, or a news script, she would make sure everything met high standards.

But everything changed for her four years ago. She was given a chance to cover a big scoop—a drug case that involved a known politician. Being the hard worker that she was, she has poured her entire being into piecing all the facts, writing all the scripts, interviewing the right people, and editing all the articles and broadcasts. The whole case was covered clearly and concisely, and she even shared other relevant information and articles that helped not only her audience but also the investigators understand. She did not let any piece of truth fall, and she feared no one, even when she started receiving threats.

Her feat definitely impressed her higher-ups, because after that she started covering big stories and pursuing big leads—from political tensions and major criminal cases to even disaster risk and management. June was barely home, and while it didn’t bother Andi that much, it did bother her that all the younger woman was thinking about was her work and nothing else.

That was also the cause of June and Andi’s first major fight, and one fight after another led to their end.

But Andi didn’t have the time to think about that now. For three years, she has not seen her ex. Sure, she has heard updates from her friends, and she hears her name in the news from time to time. But, their breakup wasn’t really the most peaceful, and she was hurt enough to not even watch news broadcasts and clips just to avoid seeing her. So she hasn’t had much of an idea how June was doing. Hearing about her like this came like a shockwave to her sad, constant system.

Ikaw emergency contact.

Si June.

Si June.

Si June.

Her body feels like running on autopilot, Macky’s words ringing in her head as she rushes out of her office while trying to put on her white coat. Her pupils look like they are shaking in panic. She ignores the bewildered stares pointed toward her and focuses on getting through the crowd from the fourth floor down to the ground floor, where the emergency room is. Deep inside, she hoped it wasn’t anything serious. But from the way her co-fellow sounded, and the urgency that thirteen—fourteen—missed calls seemed to imply, she was expecting the worst.

She expertly maneuvers through the crowd until she reaches the stairs, deciding to ignore the elevator altogether. As she reaches the ground floor and runs through the hallway until the end, however, she stops a bit to see the commotion.

There were a bunch of people being wheeled into the emergency room. Various responders and nurses littered the hallway near the entrance, trying to cater to all six injured people who had just been wheeled in. The floor has bloody traces and prints scattered around, and if she sees it correctly, she sees some of the responders trying to stop the blood flow from what looks like gunshot wounds. One thing more noticeable, however, was the fact that one of the victims had a ‘MEDIA’ vest on him. 

Si June.

Ikaw daw emergency contact.

“Doc Arceta!” A nurse takes her attention away from the carnage. “Akala ko po off-duty na kayo?”

“Tinawagan ako ni Doc Ricalde. Ano situation dito?” She wanted to applaud herself for sounding calm even though her head was in chaos. All she wanted to do right now was charge into the emergency room and check what was happening. But at the end of the day, she was still Doctor Andrea Arceta, and she still had a job to do.

“Naku doc, malala po ata. Mukhang ambush daw. Pauwi na 'yung media van tapos bigla na lang daw hinarangan at pinagbababaril 'yung sasakyan."

Ambush. Media van. At this point, it is getting harder for the panicking doctor to focus.

“Lahat po ng sinugod, major ang injuries. Based po sa initial assessment, mukhang delikado po lagay nilang lahat. Lalo po 'yung babae na kasama, sikat po ata na newscaster. Mukhang hit job daw po.”

Si June.

Si June.

Si June.

Alarm bells start ringing in her head, and her breathing gets heavier the more she stands still. Without warning, and without even bidding the nurse farewell, she runs towards the emergency room. The moment she does, her steps freeze, and her breath hitches as her eyes roam around.

Including the six people who had just entered, there were at least ten people with gunshot wounds, all unconscious and critical. Nurses and doctors are running everywhere, trying to save as many as they can. Andi is used to the chaos of the emergency room, and, like clockwork, she starts moving again, trying to grasp each victim's situation while racking her brain for what to do. But as she reaches the last victim at the innermost part of the room, she freezes, her knees almost buckling.

It was June. Her ex-girlfriend. All bloody and bruised. 

Andi is used to the chaos, but nothing could have prepared her for this—seeing her first love unconscious, bleeding, injured, and critical in bed after not seeing her for three years. Suddenly, she couldn’t hear anything, nor could she see anything but her ex-lover’s face smeared with so much blood. People around her bumped into her, but she didn’t mind them at all. Her brain stops working, and all she can think about is June as she stares at her with such a horrified look. She doesn’t even know if she is talking, screaming, or crying, and she doesn’t even know what to feel.

Si June, Andrea, think! Emergency to! June! She’s—she’s—

“Andi,” sturdy arms wrap around the terrified doctor before her knees give out. “Andi, halika sa labas.”

Andi doesn’t look away, her terrified-looking eyes staring at her unmoving ex, but she doesn’t respond or move, either.

“Andi, pineprep si June for surgery, halika na sa labas.”

Even though the voice sounded muffled, Andi knew Macky well enough to recognize her voice and presence. In a snap, she stands straight, her focus back on the unconscious June, whose wounds are being treated by panicking doctors. 

“Macks, kailangan natin—”

“Andi tinawagan kita dito 'di para maging doktor,” Macky says, her eyes bloodshot but stern-looking. “Tinawagan kita bilang emergency contact niya. 'Di muna tayo doctor dito, hmmm?”

“Macky—”

“May rule tayo sa EMD, 'di ba?” The best friend continues to coo, trying to hold back tears herself. “'Pag emotionally involved sa patient, hands off tayo?”

“Pero—”

“Sige, Andi, anong gagawin mo?” The younger doctor challenges. “Sabihin mo sa'kin. Ano protocols natin sa ganito?”

Her mind blanks out. Andi knows her protocols and procedures like the back of her hand—she could even do them with her eyes closed if she were allowed to. Yet, nothing comes out of her mind right now, and the more she tries to think hard, the fewer details she can muster, and the more frustrated she becomes. She doesn’t even realize that her shaking hands are clutching onto Macky tightly. And also, she doesn’t realize that Macky is slowly pulling her away from the scene and out of the emergency room.

As her best friend slowly sits her down, she only then realizes how shaky her hands are. She lets go of the breath she didn’t even know she was holding. Macky remains standing in front of her, with tear-stricken eyes staring at her with worry and fear. With the chaotic environment gone, Andi gets the chance to mull over her thoughts and feelings.

“Ma—Macky, si June—si June, I—” She starts sobbing when the gravity of the situation sinks in. Out of all the scenarios she has thought of whenever she thinks about June, she never expected this—seeing her fight for her life in the emergency room, all bloody and full of wounds. She couldn’t get that image of her ex’s pale, bloody, and sunken face as she lay limp on the bed while multiple medical personnel tended to her critical wounds. It was such a stark contrast to the vibrant, smiling face June always had.

As the weight of the situation crashes onto her, Andi starts crying, clutching onto Macky’s white coat like a child losing their candy. And Macky lets her as she holds her own tears down and looks up at the ceiling while biting her lower lip. Before June became Andi’s girlfriend, she was their friend first, and to see her lying helpless on the hospital bed hurt her so much. And it is also so hurtful—too hurtful—to hear her best friend’s pained cries resound through the hallway while muttering her ex-lover’s name with such care and fear.

After all, Macky thinks Andi never stopped loving June despite the hurt.

“Ikaw Juniper, nako talaga! Kapag ikaw nakita ko sa emergency room habang duty ako, makikita mo talaga! Malilintikan ka sa'kin!”

“E'di kapag 'di mo na lang duty.”

“Robles!”

June chuckles as she covers her face when Andi tries to hit her with a slice of bread. They are currently sitting on the grass fields inside the park near their condo unit. Andi’s head lies on June’s lap, and she has her back leaning on a tree. It was one of those weekends when they both had days off, so they decided to spend as much time together as they could. This time, they went to the nearby park and just spent time lazing around together at a picnic.

“It comes with the job, bub,” the journalist says softly, gently caressing Andi’s hair with a warm smile after a while. “Hindi rin yun maiiwasan talaga, lalo na’t the higher the expectations, the greater the job.”

Andi sighs before rising up to face her girlfriend. 

“Alam ko naman 'yun,” she says. “Pero masisisi mo ba ako sa pag-worry? The Philippines isn’t exactly the safest for journalists like you.”

“Pero bub,” June takes Andi’s hand and caresses it before kissing her knuckles. “Journalists like me are the reason why we can be safe, noh? Kung walang willing mag-uncover ng truth, sino ang gagawa? Anong mangyayari sa atin?” 

“Anyone but you?”

“Kilala mo ako, Andi. 'Di ako mapakali hangga’t 'di ko nalalaman ang totoo,” she chuckles. “At mas lalo akong 'di mapapakali kung alam kong may tinatago tapos 'di siya nasisiwalat sa buong sambayanan.”

June’s eyes sparkle whenever she talks about the nobility of her job as a journalist, and that is one of the things that makes her endearing to Andi. The younger woman had always been like that—putting all of herself into things that she wanted to do. She has experienced that firsthand, too; she has felt all of June in the love that she gives, and even though Andi does the same, her 100% love will never compare to June’s 100%.

So she knows she wouldn’t be able to convince June out of the dangers that she will possibly face. With a resigned sigh, she gently puts her hands on the younger girl’s cheeks and gives her a peck on the lips.

“Just promise me one thing, bub, hmmm? Just, whatever happens, whatever you do, wherever you are, don’t forget yourself, okay?” 

June smiles and says nothing, and for Andi, that is enough to assure her fearful heart.

“You are just as important as your job. So, promise me you’ll always come home to me, okay, and I promise I will come home to you, always.” 

A hit job. Juniper and her companions from their news media company are victims of a hit job, apparently. Andi has been hearing hushed whispers of gossip around her as she waits for her ex-lover’s surgery to finish. June was in charge of a big media coverage a few weeks ago—a congressman was accused of secretly collaborating with some man with shady and illegal dealings to manipulate public bidding of services in his district. This was after June had published multiple scathing articles about a subpar construction company that the shady man owns, and she had only done so because of a recent bridge collapse during a storm. The congressman had been found monopolizing every construction project in his district for this firm, and the firm had been found to have a track record of subpar projects and establishments to increase profit.

Andi doesn’t understand that. Wouldn’t that hit job hit the nail on the coffin of that congressman? If she remembers correctly, that congressman is still under investigation for multiple cases. Attacking the journalist who exposed you and is continuing to cover your cases will only make you more guilty—that has been a proven fact time and time again. Admittedly, this wasn’t the first time Andi had heard of threats in June’s life—heck, back when they were together, June would receive threats written on postcards with red paint inserted on the younger girl’s car’s windshield. But this was the first time she had seen one come to fruition.

She wonders if this wasn’t June’s first time to get hurt.

Maybe it was her first time. Her friends keep her updated with June even when she doesn’t ask. While she ignores them most of the time, she lowkey takes them to heart, anyway. She doesn’t remember any instance in which any of her friends told her that the journalist was hurt. So maybe it was the first time.

June.

Her surgery had been ongoing, and almost four hours had already passed. Macky has gently briefed her about her ex’s condition—she got at most 13 gunshot wounds; one at the far right side of her lower back, two on each of her legs, one on her right thigh, two on her left shoulder, one on her right shoulder, three on her arms, and one on her ear tip.

“Daplis lang naman halos lahat, and walang major organs na tinamaan,” Macky explains with a heavy heart. “Pero yung sa likod, thigh, saka sa kanang balikat, tama talaga. And may mga tinamaang arteries. May exit wound pa nga 'yung sa balikat. Meron din siyang head trauma, open 'yung wound. Kaya no'ng nadala siya sa ER, halos drained na siya ng dugo, muntik pang mawalan sa utak niya.”

All the details were too horrifying to listen to, but Andi managed to remain calm and collected-looking while Macky told her all the details. So here she was by the operating room’s waiting area, seated at one of the seats while staring blankly and tiredly at nothing, waiting for any news from inside the operating room. She hasn’t moved from her seat or position since the start of the surgery, and no matter how hard Macky tried to convince her to eat, sleep, or just rest in general, her best friend remains unresponsive.

As Macky leans on the wall a few steps away from her, biting her nails in anxiety while her other hand clutches onto her white coat, she hears hurried footsteps from across the hallway. She peeks outside the waiting room and sees three distressed figures running towards her.

“Nyx?!” 

“Macks!”

A lady wearing a leather jacket over a blue polo rushes ahead of her two companions enters the waiting room and hugs the distressed younger doctor. The other two, who are wearing similar leather jackets, follow her behind and enter the room, breathlessly. One of the two, a redhead, rushes in front of Andi, who remains unmoving despite the commotion around her. She kneels before the doctor, looking at her with worried eyes.

“Ate Andi?”

The older woman doesn’t respond.

“Ate Andi, it’s Jacques.”

Still nothing. Jacques, still kneeling, looks back at Macky and Nyx, the former staring at them with sad eyes. Their companion, the short orange-haired lady, pats the latter’s back in an attempt to calm her down.

“'Asa'n pinsan ko, Macky?” Nyx pleads. “Bakit hindi ako tinawagan agad?

Onyx Vergara, June’s cousin and Macky’s girlfriend, gently grabs the younger doctor’s shoulders, her grip tight and pleading as she stares at her crestfallen girlfriend in fear.

“Nasa surgery pa siya, Nyx. Mag-fo-four hours na siya do'n,” Macky replies, trying to level her shaking voice. “Si Andi 'yung emergency contact, kaya tinext na lang kita. Saka 'di ba galing kayong gig?”

“Dumiretso kami dito kasi maaga rin naman kaming natapos. Sakto yung text mo,” the short-haired lady beside them replies for Onyx. “Tinext ko rin si Sef, ah. 'Di mo kasi sa GC sinabi.”

“I sent a chat to Skylar din. Although I’m not sure what time it is for her right now in Denmark. I hope you don’t mind what Ate Gael and I did.” Jacques adds.

“Oh, no problem, Jacques. Sa GC ko dapat isesend, namalikmata lang ako siguro.”

They all hear the tiredness underneath her voice, and they can only stare at each other in worry.

Maria Jacqueline Lim and Gabrielle Apuli. Jacques and Gael. Along with Onyx, they form a pretty famous indie band that does small to mid-scale gigs around the metro. During the day, they are engineers working for Jacques’ dad at a construction company. With Onyx being June’s cousin, Jacques and Gael became the younger girl’s self-proclaimed bodyguards. Even after June and Andi’s breakup, they still continue to act like such, even if the journalist refuses to.

“Anong nangyari, bub?” Nyx’s voice has become quieter, snapping them out of all their thoughts. “Anong nangyari kay Juniper?”

Macky relays everything to the newcomers—the ambush, the possible hit job, June’s condition and surgery, and the possible suspects being gossiped about.

“Tanginang congressman 'yan,” Nyx mutters, now sitting down with her head down after hearing everything. “Kahit anong gawin niya, mabubulok naman siya sa kulungan, hayop siya!”

They know that she is trying her best not to break down, but with the way her head is down, and her shoulders are rising and falling quickly, Macky bets Nyx is failing. They all know how Onyx loves her only cousin like a sister of her own. She is June’s number one protector to the point that she even fought Andi back then when they broke up. Only when June herself talked to her cousin about what happened to them did she calm down and apologize to the eldest.

As Nyx takes a deep breath, she slowly looks towards Andi’s direction. The doctor has not moved an inch at all, and Nyx couldn’t help but sympathize. She rises from her seat and kneels in front of the unmoving lady. Jacques, Andi’s other best friend, moves aside to give them space.

“Andi?”

Still, the doctor doesn’t respond

“Andi, makinig ka sakin.” 

Onyx knows how much the older woman loves her cousin, even now. And she also knows how June still loves her back. For the past three years, all of them have seen how June and Andi have tried so hard to avoid each other while asking about each other. It was a bit frustrating, to say the least, to see them walk around in circles just to end up longing for each other. But they know well not to intervene—they believe time will tell when they’ll see each other again.

But seeing the situation now, time and fate must be cruel to have let them meet in such circumstances.

“Onyx?” They hear Andi mutter, now snapping out of her depressing daze. Her eyes light up in surprise when she sees her ex’s beloved cousin kneeling in front of her. Looking up, she notices Jacques and Gael looking at her in sympathy, while Macky looks at the monitor indicating June’s time and status in the operating room.

“Andi,” the slightly younger woman grabs the emergency doctor’s hands and caresses them while looking her in the eye when she looks back. “Fighter 'yan si June, alam mo 'yan.”

Andi takes a sharp breath, but Onyx doesn’t falter.

“Palaban kaming mag-insan. Kaya alam kong 'di yan susuko si June, lalaban 'yan. 'Wag kang mag-alala.”

“Onyx, nakita ko siya,” Andi cries again. “Hindi ko—hindi ko—”

“Shhh, iiyak mo lang,” Nyx hugs her and caresses her back to calm the lady down, all while trying to stop herself from crying. “Iiyak mo lang, tapos laban ulit tayo. Lalaban si June, Andi. Magtiwala ka, lalaban siya.”

The rest of their friends look away, with Gael harshly wiping a tear from her face. Macky looks at the monitor, the numbers of the timer shown glaring at her. She sighs—while she wanted to be as hopeful as Onyx, the longer the operation goes on, the more dreadful she feels. Her girlfriend hasn’t seen her cousin, but Macky sure did. June has already lost a lot of blood, and even before she was sent to the operating table, she had coded once. She didn’t even mention that to Andi, afraid that the woman would break down even more. She looks up again and stares at the monitor.

Juniper Kayziel Robles - OR 8 - Ongoing operation - Time elapsed: 4:10:27

It’s gonna be a long night.

“Juniper, jusko naman, hindi ko sinasabing magresign ka!” Andrea groans as she wipes her face with her hands. “Ang sinasabi ko lang, sana hindi puro trabaho pumupuno ng utak mo.”

“Ha. Coming from you, Dr. Arceta?” June scoffs without looking away from the road she is driving on. “'Di naman kita inaabala kapag nag-e-extend ka ng duties mo ah?”

“So nagbibilangan pala tayo dito, Ms. Robles? Hindi ko naman alam na dapat pala may bilangan sa relasyong 'to,” Andi rolls her eyes.

They seem to keep on fighting recently. Even the littlest of things would spark an argument between the two of them. Maybe it’s because of their exhaustion, or maybe because they have been spending less time together. But all Andi knew was that she was tired of it, but she couldn’t identify where it was coming from, either.

“So ako pa? Eh ano tong inaancha mo yung trabaho ko, Andrea?!”

“Kelan ko inancha yung trabaho mo, June? Sinabi ko lang na balansehin mo!”

“Hindi ganyan sabi mo—”

“Sige, Juniper, ano sinabi ko? Sige? Journalist ka 'di ba? Ano sinabi ko word for word?”

The younger woman shuts her mouth, hearing the warning in her girlfriend’s voice. Even when her emotions are riled up, June knows when to stop before Andi breaks her patience. But it seems that she stopped too late—she takes a glance at her side and sees Andi glowering. 

“Ang sabi ko, ‘Juniper, kumalma ka naman kahit minsan. Alam kong mahal mo trabaho mo, pero baka mamaya puro 'yan na inaatupag mo.’ 'Yan, word for word. Tapos sinigawan mo ako ng ‘'wag mong pakialaman ang trabaho ko!’ Word for word din 'yan.”

“Andi—”

“Tutal favorite mong manghuli using words, ni-layout ko na word for word para sa'yo. Verbatim, para walang butas.”

“Hindi naman—”

“Alam mo ba kung anong araw ngayon, June?”

The car stops at a red light, and June gets a chance to look at her girlfriend.

“It’s our anniversary, June.”

She freezes, her eyes widening. Andi sees that, and she sighs harshly before covering her face with her hands while trying to stop herself from crying in frustration.

“See? Kakatrabaho mo, nalimot—you know what? Just, unlock the door.”

“What? No—”

“Open the door, June!”

“At saan ka naman pupunta, ha?”

Andrea gives her the most scathing glare she could ever muster, and June gasps at its intensity, her guilt eating her up.

“Anywhere away from you, Juniper.”

“Juniper’s out of the danger zone.”

Andi takes a deep breath. After waiting for six hours, hearing that June will live, she releases a sigh of relief. Her other friends stood behind and around her, giving the same sighs of relief except Macky, who simply looked at the surgeon’s unreadable expression on his face.

“Pero she will still be under observation. She lost a lot of blood kasi before the operation, and kahit na naagapan naman siya, there was a period of time na walang nag-fo-flow sa utak niya.”

Whatever relief she felt just gets doused like fire splashed with water. She blinks and looks at the surgeon, who now has a sympathetic look on his face.

“Hindi naman siya nagbrain dead, thank goodness. Pero we don’t know how that would affect her recovery—well, hopefully recovery. Fighter naman si June. I know that for a fact.”

Right, almost all of the senior doctors in the hospital knew about Andi and June’s relationship and breakup. 

“If we want to have a smooth recovery, though, we will need to monitor her closely. We might ask someone from neuro din, just in case, to check on her brain activity.”

So their cavalry isn’t over yet. Andi doesn’t know whether she would cry or scream.

“I’ll let Doc Jas take over from hereon. She’ll be transferred sa ICU for the time being. You and Doc Macky won’t be involved,” the surgeon pats Andi’s back for comfort. “If you need time off from duty, just tell me. I’m sure your chief sa Emergency will readily agree din naman, pero tell me if you want someone to back you up. I know it’s hard, Andi, kahit ex pa yan.”

The senior surgeon gives a small, sympathetic smile before nodding towards the others in greeting. As he leaves, Nyx quickly gives Macky a big, tight hug, while Jacques gives Andi a pat on the back. Gael takes a phone call, possibly from her girlfriend, Sef, and steps away for a bit. Andi remains standing, her thoughts running like horses around her head. June is alive, but recovery is still a long way to go. At least they won’t lose her, still. That is enough for now. Without thought, she hugs the closest person, Jacques, tightly and says nothing. The redhead widens her eyes in surprise before returning the hug.

“Kayz is gonna be fine, Ate Andi,” she assures. “Masamang damo kaya 'yon.”

“Hoy, grabe ka sa kanya, oi!” Nyx retorts while still keeping her hug with Macky. “'Kala mo 'di ka rin masamang damo.”

“Hoy tama na 'yan! Kayong dalawa talaga ay, nawala lang si Gael saglit,” Macky reprimands.

Andi hears the relieved tone in her friend’s voice, and she appreciates their attempts to lighten the atmosphere. They all know things are far from over, but for now, they will bask in this short period of relief.

A nurse gets out of the operating room, followed by June, now with a breathing apparatus attached to her face. The color on her face has returned, her head is wrapped with bandages, and her chest is rising and falling slowly. Another nurse comes out and carries a set of things—June’s clothes and personal belongings, they presume.

“Doc Arceta, hello po,” the female nurse greets. “Sabi po ni Doc Archie, ikaw daw emergency contact ng patient, so sa inyo ko na lang po ibibigay 'yung mga gamit niya.”

After letting go of Jacques, who steps aside for space, Andi carefully takes June’s belongings. A big bulk of it was her bloody clothes—her news media uniform, full of gunshot holes and rips, her work pants, and her MEDIA vest. She bites her lip to try to stop herself from crying again, not wanting to remember the carnage she saw, nor does she want to imagine the pain and fear June must have gone through. Aside from her clothes, there are also June’s phone, wallet, and work ID. But, at the sight of June’s other things, Andi’s breath hitches.

Slowly, she sits down on one of the nearby benches near the operating room. She puts her ex’s things down, and her shaking hands gently take a bloody necklace on top of her things. It was a crown necklace, and although it was covered with blood, its gold chains still shone against the hospital’s white lights. The saddened doctor chokes a sob, and her friends take notice.

This necklace was Andi’s gift to June on their third anniversary.

Without warning, she cries again. Her friends, including Gael, who has just arrived with her girlfriend, gather around her, alarmed at her sudden outburst. But she ignores them, ignores everything around her, and just clutches the necklace tightly near her chest. Her pained cries reverberate throughout the hallways, but she doesn’t care.

All she could think about was June, how she missed her, how she still loved her after all these years, and how close she was to losing her permanently.

Andi is mad. Fuming mad. June is careless. Too careless.

They haven’t really been talking properly since their little fight on their anniversary, and it's been 13 days. But even so, they still do things together as much as they can—they try to come home during the evenings and spend silent dinners together. June still drives Andi to work, and Andi takes a grab towards June’s workplace to wait for her. 

Currently, they are spending their Friday night together, with June cooking and Andi setting the dining table. June’s phone, which was on the dining table, lit up with a message, and Andi saw it. 

‘Don’t you think your girlfriend is just weighing you down, Kayziel? Think about the career you can definitely build. I just think you should think things through.’

“June, sino 'tong Sab?” Andi questions, her tone of voice rising a bit. Seeing that message, she couldn’t help but feel angry and offended. Because as far as she knows, she has done nothing but support June as much as she could.

However, she sees the panic on June’s face as she snatches her phone quickly from the table.

“Wala, co-worker lang.”

“You seem too panicked for that,” Andi narrows her eyes, her guard now up, her stance defensive a bit. But she still keeps her calm, but it doesn't really work because June gets all riled up. Again.

Here they go again, after thirteen days of not talking, they are starting a fight again.

“Are you accusing me of cheating?” Instead of trying to diffuse the situation, June matches Andi’s defensive attitude and raises her voice.

“Wow, those are your words ha, not mine! I just told you you seem too panicked.”

“Andrea!”

In just a short span of time, they are fighting again, not even trying to think about things before they spew it out. They are glaring at each other, neither woman wanting to back down.

“Lagi ka na lang ganito. Every little thing, mali ko. 'Apaka-perfect mo kasi eh.”

“I’m sorry? Where is this coming from, Juniper? I just asked you who this Sab is! And stated my observation na you are being panicky! I didn’t even try to accuse you of anything!” This time, the aggravated doctor raises her hands in defense. 

“But your tone says otherwis—”

“My tone?! Bakit? Ano ba sa tingin mo iniimply non?”

“You raised your voice—”

“Wow, para ka namang bata, Juniper! Konting taas lang, sensitive na agad! At kailan ba kita inaway about little things? Ha?”

“Ayan, diyan ka magaling, Andrea eh. You cut me off whenever I talk, and you’re downplaying my feelings!”

“Oh my god, Juniper, 'apaka-sensitive mo naman!” Andi groans as she pinch the bridge of her nose in frustration. “How about yung ginawa mo no'ng anniversary natin? Isn’t that downplaying of my feelings din? I just wanted an apology from you! Pero ano? Thirteen days na nakalipas, parang wala lang sayo!”

June tries to cut her girlfriend off, but the latter is too angry to notice.

“And how about all the times before that na di ka man lang nagpapaalam na 'di ka uuwi, or pinadala ka to cover stories somewhere else? Ilang beses ko naman sinabi sa'yo na magsabi ka naman, para alam ko naman kahit papaano kung nasaan ka! 'Di 'yung nag-aalala 'yung tao dito!”

“Pero 'pag sinabi ko naman, napakarami mo namang dada!”

“I’m just telling you to be more careful, June!”

“You’re not my mom!” June heaves. “Don’t you realize na you’re dragging me down, Andrea?! WIth what you are doing?!”

“So you agree? You agree sa text ng co-worker mo?”

“What text?!” June finally sees the text her co-worker sent, and she pales.

Her anger and defensiveness start to wane, and she suddenly understands why Andi is acting up. But instead, she let her mouth run the show instead of thinking about things first. As her glare softens into panic, guilt, and 

June knows she fucked up.

“Andi, wait—”

“You really think I’m dragging you down?! I’ve done nothing but support you, Juniper!” Andi is crying at this point, ignoring any of June’s attempts to appease her.  “Sino pang mga demonyo ang bumubulong sa'yo na pabigat lang ako sa'yo?!”

The young journalist hears the hurt coating her girlfriend's cries, and while she wanted to say so many things—apologies, explanations, assurances—she couldn’t muster the courage to do so. Instead, she stands there, speechless, tears falling down her eyes. Andi stares at her like she is staring right through her soul, hurt evident all over her facial features, and June swears she hears her own heartbreak along with her lover.

“Gano'n ba talaga tingin mo sa'kin? Tingin nila sa'kin?”

“Andi—” she tries to reach for her, but Andi just steps back, a resolute look on her face behind the tears continuing to flow from her eyes.

“Kung gano'n pala tingin mo, edi sige. Hindi na kita pipigilan, Juniper.” 

It was a blur for June after that. She doesn’t even realize that Andi has stepped away from her, and doesn’t realize how the woman has quickly taken a bag to chuck her things while weeping. All she hears is their hearts breaking—she doesn’t even hear her own cries and doesn’t realize that she has fallen on her knees.

As she looks up after a while, she sees Andi again, with at most three duffel bags in hand, still crying while glaring at her. She opens her mouth to say anything—she wants to stop her from leaving, to apologize for all her shortcomings, to just hug her and pour her love, something she hasn’t done for a little while.

God, June thinks to herself, her girlfriend has pleaded too many times for her to stop focusing on her job too much. But she just let the pressure eat her; she just let herself listen to what others say. She loves Andi, but now she lets Andi leave her, just because she was too focused on her job to pay attention.

“Gano'n kita kamahal, kahit sobrang sakit. Kung ikasisiya mo, okay lang kahit ako na lang ang masaktan.”

Andi leaves, crying, and that is the last thing June hears from her.

June spends thirteen days in the Intensive Care Unit.

She doesn’t wake up, nor does she move or anything. But at least she seems to be recovering well. Just as they were instructed, Macky and Andi did not intervene in any of June's medical matters. They simply visited and took care of the unconscious journalist as her friends. Their friends also take their turns in visiting June, but it is mostly Andi who does everything, and it is mostly she who is present.

They have transferred June, who still has a breathing apparatus attached to her face, to a private room, and Andi, currently on her lunch break, spends her time there with her and Sef.

Sefira Maxine Catacutan. Gael’s girlfriend, and a famous choreographer for various pop stars. Out of all their friends, Sef cried the most, just second to Andi. Sef has always been their beloved youngest in their circle of friends, and June is the most clingy towards her, being the second youngest. Even though the youngest always teases Andi’s girlfriend the most, Sef has always expressed the most love, even declaring June as her favorite ate, just second to Gael, her girlfriend.

“Ganda ng kwintas niya ah, Ate Andi,” Sef comments as they settle June’s things in her new room. “Nakawin ko 'yan.”

“Huy! Bad 'yon!” Andi berates playfully before sitting down beside her ex-lover.

She has cleaned out June’s crown necklace and placed it back on her unconscious lover’s neck. She asked Archie, the surgeon, about it, and he simply said that June was wearing it before they had to remove it. June still wearing a gift from her years ago wasn’t something she had expected, but then again, she herself kept all the poems the younger woman had given, with the first poem even framed and placed in her office.

“Duty ba si Ate Macky?”

“Hindi, pero maraming press sa baba. Siya pinagha-handle ng chief namin.”

Of course, June is a prominent name in the industry. News about the ambush and its links to the corrupt congressman broke out just a few hours after the newscaster was sent into surgery. They all expected the media to rush and charge through their hospital and, bless the hospital’s director, security was tightened, and additional personnel were added to ensure that no nosy media people would be able to enter their hospital grounds. At least they have their privacy, and with June transferred to a VIP room thanks to her company’s insistence, the younger woman will have a peaceful recovery.

Recovery, Andi hopes, because the last time she checked, June’s brain activity was still under observation.

And thank goodness for Macky as well. Their chief originally wanted Andi to handle the press since she has done such things before, but she doesn’t think she would be able to handle that this time. This was her ex-girlfriend they were talking about—the ex-girlfriend she still loves after all these years. She doesn’t think she would be able to say anything about her condition in public without breaking down even once. That is why she is thankful that Macky herself took on that role.

“Buti kaya ni Ate Macky. No'ng isang araw, nakita ko siyang umiiyak sa CR. Duty pa nga ata niya 'yun ay.”

“Huy Sef, 'wag mong sabihin sa kanya na nakita mo siya. Si Onyx 'yung magagalit sa'yo,” Andi chuckles as she straightens her white coat. “Alam mo naman si Onyx pagdating sa jowa niya.”

“Eh ikaw Ate Andi? Kumusta?”

She purses her lips at that question. In all honesty, she isn’t sure how she is. It’s the thirteenth day, and her heart still feels heavy even though June seems to be recovering properly. Looking at her peaceful face, with half of it covered by the tube and other mechanisms attached to her mouth, she wonders what could have happened if this incident had not happened. Sure, she still loves and misses her ex, but she doesn’t think she would step foot to meet with her again. At least, not this time—she wasn’t even sure if June would want to see her again. But then again, she still has the gold crown necklace she gave. So she doesn’t know what to think.

“Hindi ko alam,” she just simply says, and she tries to leave it at that.

“'Pag magising si Ate June, ano gagawin mo?” But Sef has other plans. She asks the question mindlessly while arranging the flowers June’s colleagues sent. “Sorry kung prankahan, Ate Andi. pero kasi iwasan galore kayo hanggang ngayon eh, tapos ngayon ganito.”

Right. What would she do? She hasn’t thought about that, either. The doctor has been so preoccupied with caring for her ex that she hasn’t thought about what would happen after this. 

“Wala,” she says after a while. 

Sef, who was bending over to pick up some fallen flowers, quickly stands up and blinks in confusion while staring at the older woman, who starts wiping their patient’s face with wet wipes.

“Ha? Wala?”

“Wala?”

“Luh,” the choreographer scoffs. “Alagang-alaga ka diyan tapos wala?”

“Anong konek no'n, Sef?” Andi furrows her eyebrows. “'Di naman ako masamang tao para iwan lang siya dito. Ako pa nga emergency contact.”

“Huy ate, 'di porket emergency contact eh ganyan na kadetalyado mag-alaga,” Sef puts her hand on her waist, raising her eyebrows. “Kulang na lang sa'yo di ka umuwi galing dito sa ospital, kasi duduty ka, tapos after no'n, diretso ka kay Ate June. Ano tawag mo do'n?”

“Maalagang emergency contact?”

“Hala siya si gaga,” Sef laughs at how incredulous her older friend sounds. “Bakit 'di mo na lang aminin na mahal mo pa?”

“'Pag umamin ako, may mababago ba?”

They both stare at each other in silence. Only the sound of June’s loud breathing and her heart rate monitor beeping resonates through the room. Andi looked sad while Sef stared at her with empathy. It was already obvious that the doctor still loved her ex with the way she would stare longingly at June’s poem in her office, the way she would try not to cry every time their favorite song came up, and the way she would always hole herself up in her office every thirteenth of the month—the day they first met, and the day they broke up.

Andi acknowledges that fact too, lowkey. Because she never directly refuted anything whenever they asked her about her feelings for the young newscaster.

“Pumayat si June, hano?” Andi shifts the topic as she looks away from how intensely Sef is looking at her. “Hirap talaga kapag naoospital.”

Sef says nothing.

“Ang funny lang,” Andi continues. “Kahit na ilang taon na kaming hindi nagkikita ni June, mas kabisado ko pa rin mga tawa niya saka mga tinginan. Isang tingin ko lang sa kanya, kahit na ganito 'yung sitwasyon, bumabalik lang lahat sa isip ko. 'Di mabura-bura sa isip ko kahit na gustuhin ko man.”

The doctor sighs shakily, and Sef slowly walks her way toward the older woman's side in case she needs her near.

“Three years, Sef. Three years. Pero si June pa rin talaga eh,” the doctor chuckles humorlessly. “Tama nga sila, noh? Mga matatanda? Na kapag nawala ang isang bagay, do'n mo ma-re-realize 'yung value niya.”

The emergency doctor looks up and stares at June’s slightly pale face with longing and pain that Sef couldn’t see.

“Bakit di mo na lang subukan, Ate?” The young choreographer whispers. “Kung mahal mo pa pala? Bakit 'di mo na lang i-risk?”

Andi says nothing for a while, her eyes still on June’s peaceful-looking face.

“Baka mas okay na magkahiwalay lang kami, Sef,” she shrugs while trying to keep her voice level. “Tingnan mo naman si June—world-class journalist na. Maybe she’s better without me talaga.”

“'Di ka sure diyan.” Sef quickly says, but adds nothing more. Intrigued, Andi looks back at her with furrowed eyebrows. The younger woman looked so serious that it took her aback because she loves trying to keep the light atmosphere even amidst tough situations and would rarely be serious during times like these. Before she could ask, Sef shrugged before looking away, speaking one last time before a nurse entered the room.

“Malay mo, paggising ni Ate June, iba na ang ihip ng hangin.”

#1

Kung ikaw lang sana ay isang bituin

Saka ako’y buwang lagi mong kapiling

Suyuin man kita kung gabing malalim

Walang mapangutyang lilibak sa atin

Sa likod ng ulap, ikaw ay akin din.

- JK (2017)

Macky eyes her co-intern beside her as they continue walking through the hospital hallways. Since she and Andi were the only ones from their university doing their internship at that particular hospital, they always made sure to stick together whenever they could during their stay. However, the younger intern wishes she wasn’t with her best friend right now, because the latter has been on her phone the entire time they were walking. Amidst the quiet hallways, only their footsteps and Andi’s giddy giggles could be heard.

“Harot naman netong bading na to,” Macky mutters to herself, annoyed with the way the woman has been ignoring her while staring at her phone. “‘Yung totoo? Kahit mag-hehe lang si June, kilig-pwet ka na diyan.”

Andi doesn’t hear her, however, and giggles while scrolling on her phone. Macky rolls her eyes before grabbing the older woman’s arm and guiding her to another hallway where they are supposed to turn. 

“‘Pag ikaw talaga nadapa, Andrea, jusko ka.”

“Cute ni June, hehe.”

“Kumalma ka bading, nakakaloka ka.”

Even though she has been rolling her eyes and grumbling the entire time they are walking, Macky chuckles a little in amusement. June must have updated her little shared document dedicated to her girlfriend.

June always sends Andi short poems and spoken poetry scripts at random times, and all those little snippets are compiled into a single document that she would simply update from time to time. Andi loves them so much, even if the poem sounds too cheesy sometimes. But Macky couldn’t blame her best friend; June is a journalist after all, and she has so much power over words. The woman was the embodiment of the saying “The pen is mightier than the sword”, and her writings feel like something that could come to life, whether it be a news article, an opinion, or even fictional snippets. Onyx herself takes some writings from her cousin and turns them into songs, with some songs given back to June for Andi to enjoy herself instead of being released. And if you ask Andi, she would always give June the flowers she deserved for contributing so much to their band’s success.

Macky also receives songs penned by Onyx from time to time, but June’s words just hit differently, even after years of constant penning for Andi. So she understands why Andi will always be so down bad for her girlfriend.

“‘Pag ikaw talaga, ‘yang phone mo naconfiscate, sinasabi ko sa’yo.”

Andi still doesn’t respond as she continues scrolling through her phone with a lovestruck smile on her face. Even though she’d outright express her (pretend) disgust whenever Andi acts like that with and around June, Macky wishes that this kind of happiness for her would last.

(Who would’ve thought that in a few years' time, Andi would stop bringing her phone with her during duty because she had no poems to look forward to anymore?)

The first thing Skylar does as she enters June’s private ward is glare at Andrea.

Skylar Lane Sevilleja, a world-renowned model, is June’s best friend. She was supposed to be on a European tour right now. When Jacques called her the day June got checked into the hospital, she was in Denmark doing some quick shoots. And yet here she was, two weeks after June’s surgery, standing by the door frame of her ward.

Andi doesn’t look up, nor does she intend to. If Nyx is June’s number-one protector, then Skylar is a close second. Even back when Andi was still trying to court June, Skylar had always been the obstacle the older woman had to face before she was even allowed to pop off the “Can you be my girlfriend?” question. Don’t get her wrong—Skylar is a great friend, and she has also been beside Andi as much as she has been beside her own best friend. But the past three years hadn’t been so nice to them both, with the model avoiding her as well.

Sometimes, Andi dreams of Skylar’s glares whenever June passes by her mind before going to sleep.

The doctor fidgets as she stands a few steps away from June’s bed, refusing to look at the still-glaring best friend, who still has her pink luggage with her.

Ate Andi, I’m sorry. I really couldn’t stop Sky, y’know? She’s headed there straight from the airport, and don’t be surprised with her bags in tow. I’m coming there, pero baka mamaya pa ako makarating.

Jacques did send her a message earlier, but thirteen minutes after she received that text, Skylar had already busted through the room, all in her pink glory. Andi wasn’t prepared to see her, both physically and emotionally—the emergency doctor has a 24-hour straight duty, and she went straight to June’s room without even bothering to freshen up. Nobody says anything for a while until Skylar clears her throat.

“Mukha kang walang tulog ng ilang weeks,” Skylar breaks the silence with a quieter-than-usual voice. Andi, although surprised by the unexpected remark, nods and gives a smile without looking at the younger woman’s face.

“Gano’n talaga, duty, tapos bantay.”

“Sabi ni Jacques salitan kayo, ah? Araw-araw ka bang nandito?”

Skylar sounds so amicable and calm that the exhausted doctor wonders if she is imagining things. It was not like how Andi expected her to be, given that they had not talked, and the model had not really wanted to talk to her for three years. 

“Andito na rin naman ako araw-araw, might as well, ‘di ba?” The older woman just shrugs, just going with the flow in case this truly was her imagination. If it wasn’t, then she’d still go along with the conversation to avoid conflicts with the overprotective best friend.

Andi doesn’t see it, but Skylar raises an eyebrow as she observes the doctor even more. She was smiling, but it didn’t reach her eyes at all. Her shoulders are sagging, too, as she remains a few steps away from June. She had her doctor’s coat over her, but the younger woman could see glimpses of her unkempt polo shirt beneath. Her messy bun looked too messy for her liking, and she was all fidgety, too, so unlike the Doctor Andrea Arceta they know—the strong-willed and well-known Emergency Medicine fellow that people look up to. 

This Andi just looked like the heartbroken June she saw three years ago at the latter’s condo unit.

“Umuuwi ka pa ba?”

No. Andi purses her lips while still refusing to look at Skylar, who remains standing at the door. But she doesn’t want anyone to know that. Not even Macky knew this little detail—the younger doctor thought Andi would go home at the same time as her because they both left the hospital together, but what she didn’t know was that Andi had just gone out to buy food and supplies before going back to the hospital. Nobody knew about it, because she would simply stay at her office alone whenever someone else is accompanying June for the evening. Everybody just assumed she was out of the hospital overnight.

“Minsan,” she lies. Skylar narrows her eyes, however, as she sees through it.

They stand in silence again, with Andi getting more and more uncomfortable with Skylar’s stares. As she opens her mouth to excuse herself, not wanting to cause any scene, the younger woman closes the door and puts her bags aside.

Skylar sighs. Andi must think that she is angry with her, but she couldn’t blame the older woman. They have not spoken for three years, and she has actively avoided her best friend’s ex-girlfriend, even at friendly gatherings. Their circle of eight hasn’t been complete since their breakup—either Andi is missing, or June and her. It wasn’t like she was angry with Andie or anything remotely close to that. In fact, she knows very well that June was mainly at fault. But as she watched June break down and lose herself almost completely after the breakup, she couldn’t imagine what Andi must have been feeling, being the one wronged by her best friend. She couldn’t take that at all—she loved Andi like an older sister, and even though she wasn’t June, she just felt the shame and guilt her best friend had.

She glared at Andi when she entered the room, not because she was angry, but because Andi was obviously not taking care of herself, and she hated it.

“Go home, Ate Andi. You look like you need it.”

Ate Andi. Skylar sounded so affectionate that it took Andi aback. She looks up in surprise and sees the worried look on the former’s face. Only then did the pink-clad lady notice the bloodshot eyes and tear-stricken face the doctor had, and her worried look shifted into something akin to heartbreak.

Andi and June had been hurting all this time.

“It’s okay, Sky,” Andi whispers carefully. “I can—”

“Dadating dito si Jacques in a while. Pwede naman kami muna magbantay bago niya ako ihatid sa hotel,” Skylar insists. “Freshen up or something. You need rest din naman.”

There was hesitation in the doctor’s eyes, and the model could only sigh. If June and Andi had one thing in common, it was stubbornness—it was their own stubbornness that kept them apart for three years.

“Hindi mawawala si June, swear,” she soflty assures. “Saka Ate, I don’t think ma-appreciate namin kung dalawa kayong nakahiga sa hospital bed. Mukha ka pa man ding bibigay.”

Andi wanted to argue, but Skylar was right to imply that she was exhausted. Her look lingers a bit more on June’s unconscious figure, thinking about what she should do before nodding resignedly. She gives a tight and grateful smile to the younger woman before excusing herself and slowly opening the door.

“Ate Andi?”

She pauses and slowly looks at the still-standing Skylar, who has a melancholic smile on her face.

“I’m sorry.”

“Huh?” Andi blinks in confusion. “You didn’t do anything.”

Instead of giving an answer, Skylar drags the older woman back into the room and gives her a tight hug, head nuzzled on her neck. Andi was about to open her mouth to ask, but suddenly she felt a wet patch on her shoulder, and the woman hugging her started to shake a bit. So she slowly returns the hug, leaning her head against the younger woman’s and caressing her back without a word. The older woman feels too exhausted from all the crying she has been doing for the past few weeks, so she simply frowns and closes her eyes, hoping that her presence alone will calm Skylar down. 

They remain silent, and they let their grief speak for itself. Andi wanted to laugh to herself because they had been crying as if June was dying when in truth, she was recovering well, albeit slowly. But maybe all the exhaustion everyone is feeling is just catching up to them, and the mere fact that June almost died hasn’t really left any of their minds. She is sure that feeling of fear hasn’t really fully left them—she herself still gets nightmares about June’s surgery from time to time. So she understands Skylar and lets her cry her heart out.

June’s fingers twitch, but neither lady notices.

“Andrea!” Macky urgently slams her fist on Andi’s office door, her other hand clutching her phone tightly. Behind her stood their department chief and Gael, who, coincidentally, had visited the hospital for her annual checkup courtesy of her health insurance and had decided to stay for a while to wait for Macky’s shift to end. They both sport the same worried look as the younger emergency doctor. As she continues to slam the door, the band drummer steps aside to make a call to her bandmates.

It’s the second year after June and Andi’s breakup, and Macky knows how the older doctor usually drowns herself in work whenever it is a day that relates to their previous relationships—anniversaries, birthdays, even monthsaries. So the younger emergency doctor expected her to do the same today.

But what they didn’t expect was for her to shut everyone out completely this time.

Andi wasn’t answering calls, nor was she opening messages, and it was already midnight. Her shift should have ended four hours ago, but some nurses reported that she was still helping out in the emergency room an hour ago. Macky didn’t even remember seeing her at lunch, and Andi’s duty started at three in the morning. At first, she let her be, knowing how much Andi values her alone time during these times of the year, but the longer she hasn’t heard from her best friend, the more anxious she becomes.

And rightfully so, because here she was, with her boss and good friend, knocking on her locked door at midnight, without any assurance that her best friend was alright.

“Doc Macks, tumawag ka ng maintenance. Hingi ka spare key sa office ni Doc Andi,” the chief says, and without hesitation, Macky runs through the hallways, searching for maintenance personnel. The phone in her hand suddenly rings, and she sees Sef’s caller ID. She answers without stopping her run.

“Sef!”

“Ate Macks, nasa hospital pa ba si bebe? Kanina pa kasi siya—”

“Sef, pumunta ka dito sa ospital!” Macky heaves as she quickly presses the elevator button. “Si Andi!”

“Ha?! Anong nangyari kay Ate?”

“Hindi ko pa alam!” When she saw the elevator moving more slowly than she wanted, she quickly rushed to the nearby stairs. “Pero di namin siya ma-contact, and naka-lock yung office niya, si pa siya lumalabas!”

“Hala, Ate, hindi rin ako makakapunta diyan!” Sef cries, and only then did Macky notice the panic in the younger woman’s voice. “Magpapasundo nga dapat ako kay bebe, kasi ‘di ko rin ma-contact sina Ate Nyx.”

“Bakit? Nasaan ka ba?”

“...nasa Walrus ate.”

Macky stops from going down the stairs—why is Sef at a bar in Katipunan?

“Ha—”

“May show ‘yung isang artist ko kanina, tapos na-invite niya lang ako sumama. Alam ni bebe ‘to. Pero kasi Ate, andito si Ate June, naabutan kong lasing na lasing, ‘di ko naman maiwan.”

‘Tanginang mag-ex naman to jusko,’ Macky groans. 

She continues her flight down the stairs and rushes to the maintenance room as she listens to Sef—June was already at the bar when she arrived, multiple bottles of Smirnoff scattered around her while holding another bottle. The journalist was totally out of it, the worried Sef said, and she was just crying silently while chugging additional bottles. 

“Tulog na siya Ate, pero ‘di ko na kasi alam kung saan na siya nakitira ngayon. Tapos ‘di ko naman ma-contact si Ate Nyx. Kahit si Jacques!”

“Magkasama sina Jacques at Sky ata,” Macky says, now headed back to Andi’s office with spare keys. “Ganito, sabihan ko si Gael, para rin masabihan si Nyx. Mag-chat ka sa GC, Sef, yung GC na wala sina June at Andi. Diyan ka lang, Sef! Asikasuhin mo muna si June. May kasama ka ba diyan?”

“‘Andito pa si kuya Rael, ‘yung driver no’ng artist ko.”

“Ok sige, magpasama muna kayo sa kanya. ‘Wag kayong mahihiwalay, Sef! Mag-ingat kayo!” 

Macky ends the call, now out of breath, as she arrives in front of Andi’s office. Their department chief, who has been trying to knock on the door in Macky’s stead, quickly steps back when he sees the younger doctor. Gael hasn’t returned, but she hears her talking loudly on her phone, probably with Nyx.

“Gael!” Macky exclaims, and Gael turns around. “Sabihin mo kay Nyx na lasing yung pinsan niya sa Walrus! Nagpapasundo si Sef.”

“Ano?!”

“Basta sabihin mo na lang! Sabihin mo, papuntahin din si Skylar do’n! Wala akong pakialam kung bebe time nila ni Jacques! Si Jacques ang papuntahin mo dito!” Macky shakily grabs the keys and slams them on the doorknob. As she quickly opens the door, she gasps at what she sees.

There was Andi, passed out on the floor, her face looking so exhausted. Some reports were scattered on the floor, and her stethoscope and pen were tossed away around her.

“Andi!” Macky cries as she rushes by her side. “Andi! Oh my god!”

The younger woman barely hears her chief calling for nurses, and Gael rushing behind her with a scream of her own. The only thing registering in her head is her best friend out cold on the floor. Even though she was panicking, she instinctively checked Andi’s vitals. She was breathing shallowly. At least her pupils were responsive, but her pulse was pretty slow. 

“Gael, patulong! Iupo natin sa sofa.” Gael quickly rushes to the other side and, with Macky’s instructions, they carefully lift the unconscious doctor up to sit her on the sofa. Macky wants to cry as she takes in Andi’s unconscious form, but instead, she helps her chief search for anything to help the woman wake up and recover.

Thankfully, their chief is more composed than she was, and he shifts Andi’s position into recovery. Some nurses enter, and he instructs them properly. Macky, on the other hand, moves more panicky and erratically. Her hands shook more, and her chief had to grab them and pull her away from Andi’s desk to calm her down.

“Macks, calm down, okay?” The chief says as he grabs the panicked doctor’s shoulders. “You can call friends muna, inform them, okay? She just passed out from exhaustion. Breath, Macks.”

Macky takes a deep breath before choking on a sob. Gael steps by her side, putting her arm over the doctor’s shoulder, and guides her out of Andi’s office.

They follow as they see Andi get wheeled out of her office and into the emergency room. And because of protocol, Macky and Gael had to stay out as the nurses did their usual routine with emergency room patients. The latter’s phone rings, and she answers it and turns the loudspeaker on for Macky to hear.

“Bebe?”

“Nasa emergency room si Ate Andi. Nandito si Macky sa tabi ko.”

“Nandito na si Ate Nyx and Sky. Binubuhat nila si Ate June papunta sa sasakyan ni Ate Nyx.”

“Si Jacques?”

“Papunta na diyan, bebe. Hinatid niya kasi si Sky dito. Mag-speeding na lang daw siya from Walrus to Makati Med.”

“Jusko, mag-ingat naman siya. Okay, sige. Sa GC na lang tayo mag-update-update. Hihintayin pa namin boss ni Macks, pero sabi naman daw exhaustion lang ‘yung reason.”

“Bebe, malala na yan huhu. Kada anniversary date nila ni Ate June na lang ba natin silang makikitang ganito? ‘Onti na lang iiyak na si Ate Nyx dito.”

Macky remains silent as she listens to Gael and Sef’s phone conversation. Sef is right, and she hates this—will they just continue to see the two ex-lovers like this? She wipes her face with her hands harshly while sighing out of exhaustion. If only they could do something for June and Azi. Because they are obviously hurting—because they obviously love and care for each other.

Their little shifting to accompany June continues. Luckily, Skylar’s overseas schedule was moved to a later date, so she has time to spare back in the country to assist her best friend as much as she can. Macky and Andi visit the journalist most often, since they work at the hospital, and it is easy for them to sneak in visits. Of course, Andi still visits her the most, but she now goes home thanks to Skylar and Onyx’s proddings. 

It has been twelve days since June was released from the ICU and transferred to a private room. While her recovery is going well, she still hasn’t woken up, nor has she shown signs of waking up yet. Her brain activity seemed to be okay, too, so even though there haven’t been any signs, they remain hopeful and positive.

Andi still looked somber, though. But they don’t say anything about it for fear of breaking the already-fragile ex-lover.

It is currently lunch on a weekday, and Onyx is the current assigned companion since she has a day off today. As usual, Andi spends her lunch in June’s room. They are currently watching a hearing about the congressman’s shady dealings. Thankfully for them, the hearing seems to be going against the corrupt official—at least they feel relieved, and they know that June’s efforts won’t be in vain.

“Magkakaroon kaya ng kaso laban sa kanya dahil sa nangyari kay June?” Andi wonders loudly. “I mean, madali lang naman i-trace sa kanya ‘yon, ‘di ba?”

“Oo, pero hindi ko alam kung paano ‘yon? Sabi lang ni Kuya Garth, yung boss ni June, management daw nila bahala eh, so ‘wag na raw muna isipin,” Onyx shrugs. “Inuuna lang ata muna ‘tong mga ibang kaso, kasi may usad.”

Andi nods before focusing back on her meal, checking her work phone. She then puts it in her pocket and takes out her personal phone to check her messages.

“Dala mo phone mo?” Onyx asks with a raised eyebrow. “Bago ‘yan ah. Akala ko hindi ka nagdadala phone kapag rounds mo?”

“Kailangan eh,” Andi simply smiles. “Baka may update. Need ko i-update agad lahat, lalo kung may bagong balita sa condition ni June.”

Onyx nods with a smile before returning to her laptop, humming a particular tune that Andi has never heard before. When she sees the hearing end, she turns the television off and turns to the busy band front.

“Magre-release kayong bagong kanta?” The doctor asks inquisitively. “Matagal na rin kayong ‘di nagre-release, ah?”

The slightly younger lady lifts her head and looks at Andi hesitantly. 

“Well,” she licks her lips. “‘Di pa naman sure. Depende kung matapos.”

“Oh? Matatapos mo naman siguro ‘yan? Ikaw pa.” Andi laughs, not noticing how Onyx took a sharp breath.

“Well, may top line and stuff naman na yung ibang parts. Pero—” Onyx pauses. “Pero depende pa rin kay June kung tatapusin niya ‘yung sinulat niya. At depende rin kung ibibigay niya. Subukan ko pa sanang i-convince eh.”

Oh. Andi blinks in surprise. Somehow, just the mention of June made her heart skip a beat.

“Sumusulat na ulit si June?”

Even though they have been avoiding each other, Andi knows how June stopped writing poems ever since they broke up. It broke her heart to know that—June had all the power over words, and for her to lose that just because they broke up made her so guilty. She even asked Onyx one time if she could encourage her cousin to still continue, but the latter could only shake her head that time.

“Ikaw lang makakagawa no’n, Andi. Ikaw lang naman ang naging dahilan kung bakit siya nag-umpisang masulat eh.”

Sometimes, Andi ends up reading and rereading all the poems and writings June dedicated to her in their shared document. Oftentimes, she still cries over them.

“Baka one-time thing,” Onyx purses her lips. “Lasing siya nung ginawa niya eh.”

“Ah.”

“Bakit ‘di mo tingnan, Andi?” She then suddenly adds, while side-eyeing the unconscious journalist. “Nando’n ata sa shared document niyo.”

That takes Andi aback again. As far as she knows, June has never opened that document again. She knows that because she still checks that document from time to time, and she has never seen June open it, according to its logs. So with a nervous heart and shaky hands, she opens her phone and heads to the document app. And true to Onyx’s words, the document is updated. So she clicks it and quickly scrolls to the end of the document.

Bawat melodiya sa 'yo lang papunta, bumabalik sa umpisa

June still has it, Andi muses—that power over words. She couldn’t help but smile sadly. This was a product of drunkenness; maybe June just needed an outlet unconsciously. At least she knows June still has it somewhere deep inside her, and hopefully, this could be a start for June to pick up her pen outside her job as a newscaster again.

Kung puwedeng maulit, dasal ko sa langit, ikaw na lang ulit

But the more she reads, the more her heart drops. She finds herself fully understanding the typed words as if she instantly knows where the writer is coming from.

Ako ba to, June? Her breath hitches at the next few lines that she reads.

Alam mo bang suot ko pa ang kuwintas na regalo mo no'ng ikatlong taon?

Paano ba tayo napunta sa puntong 'to?

Kasi ikaw pa rin pala, nagsisisi ka rin ba?

Her heart drops further as her head turns sharply towards the unconscious woman. She immediately looks at the necklace she just recently cleaned and put back. Taking a sharp breath, she slowly turns to Onyx, her eyes full of surprise, regret, and longing. The slightly younger woman just gives her a tight smile and a curt nod, encouraging her to continue. And so she does, hesitantly.

Kabisado ko pa rin mga tawa mo't tingin

'Di na mabura-bura kahit na gustuhin

“Ako rin, June,” Andi unconsciously mutters to herself. “Ako rin.”

Kinaya mo lang din

Di na sana pinansin bawat bulong at sigaw ng iba

Eh ‘di sana tayo pa

So you agree? You agree sa text ng co-worker mo? Their last argument comes to mind—she understands, she truly does. June must be talking about that—her listening to other people too much, to her co-workers, and her letting their opinions affect her own thoughts and opinions. Her calling Andi a burden, who was dragging her down in her career.

She doesn’t realize the tears coming down her cheeks. This wasn’t just a poem or a piece of writing that June randomly penned while drunk. These were her thoughts, her unspoken feelings, her raw emotions poured into short verses.

Paikot-ikot, nakakapagod, pabalik-balik sa mga panahon

She couldn’t believe it. It was as if she was reading her own thoughts and feelings, too—she, too, felt like she was just going in circles without a destination, and found herself often looking back at their good times when everything was still good, and they were still happy. It was tiring, yet she couldn’t get herself to move on at all.

She still loves June, after all. Discovering that June might still love her too gave her both relief and guilt—because at least she still felt the same, but at the same time, she couldn’t help but think about the time she ignored her pleas to talk, and all the times she stopped herself from just dropping everything and going back to her arms.

Had she entertained that, what could have happened to them?

Ni hindi ko na matapos ang kantang 'to

She sees, she feels, all the unspoken feelings and thoughts that June could’ve given up writing. But she didn’t need to see more, and Andi already understood. In just one line, she breaks and cries as she clutches her phone closer to her chest. In just one line, she feels the love, the hurt, the longing June had, and it resonates with hers. It hurts, it hurts for her to know how much hurt June endured, and she instantly forgets her own hurt.

Because nothing hurts more than seeing the strong, independent, and loving Juniper hurt so badly.

Ngayong wala ka na, tapos na ang kanta

Onyx spends the rest of her lunch in silence, with Andi’s pained cries the only sound resounding throughout June’s room.

#682

Hindi kita kayang kasuklaman

Dahil iniibig pa rin kita

Ngunit hindi kita masulyapan

Dahil masakit pala

Ang kasalanan ay laging may kahihinatnan

Sino ba ako upang ibaling mo muli

Ang iyong mga matatamis na tingin?

Sa pagsara ng iyong puso

Eto na ang huling tulang sasambitin

Dahil ang aking mga tugon ay para lamang sa’yo

Kahit hindi mo na tanggapin

-JK (2030)

“Andi.”

“Hmmm?”

“Gusto ko, ‘pag namayagpag na ang pangalan mo sa larangan ng medisina, nasa tabi mo ako sumusuporta.”

“Napakalalim naman niyan, love? Pero ako rin. Pag na-achieve mo na yung gusto mo na maging isang respetadong journalist, ako rin ang laging makikita mo sa tabi mo.”

“Para sa’yo, kahit gaano pa kaalalim, susuyurin ko.”

“Alam mo, June? Para sa’yo? Kung kaya mong sisirin ang malalim, mas hihigitan ko pa ng sobra-sobra.”

“Hindi ko alam kung kaya mo ‘yan, love.”

“Ako pa chinallenge mo? Haha, sinasabi ko sayo June. Lahat, gagawin ko para sa’yo. Kahit ako pa ang masaktan.”

“Hindi ka masasaktan, Andi. ‘Di ko hahayaan.”

Andi stares at her computer screen, June’s newly written words glaring at her from it. 

She is pretty thankful that Onyx was the one with her back in June’s room earlier and not their other friends. The doctor didn’t feel any inhibitions with her emotions around Onyx, which she appreciates. It was no wonder that whenever Andi wasn’t around back then, June would go straight to her cousin instead.

“Andi, hindi ko sinasabi sa’yo ‘to para ma-guilty ka. Sinasabi ko sa’yo ‘to dahil alam kong pareho kayong nasasaktan at ayokong nakikita ‘yon.”

The doctor thought that with them apart, June would be fine. Her career has thrived so much over the past three years, just like how she always wanted. She also seemed to be all right, or at least to be faring better than the doctor.

How stupid of her.

Of course, June would be as broken as she is. Why would she think that she would be fine after everything that had happened? For thirteen years, her first love has never faltered when it comes to expressing her overflowing love towards the older woman, and that kind of love won’t just fade just like that. Even when they started fighting, June still had that loving look behind her anger and frustration. But so many things have happened, and one fight after another has not helped their situation—instead of resolving the conflicts that have started, they end up creating more conflicts one after another. Instead of thinking carefully about their situations, they let their raging emotions take over, neither woman willing to back down.

They could have handled it better, she presumes. And she couldn’t believe one near–death incident was what it took for her to have time to realize that.

With a heavy sigh and a resolute heart, Andi reads the words again. And, without another thought, her fingers start hovering over her keyboard. She types slowly and carefully, letting her heart and mind speak for themselves.

“June, tatapusin mo ba ‘to? Sayang eh.”

June takes a sharp breath when she sees Nyx’s text. She looks up with pursed lips and looks outside the window of the media van she is in. They stopped somewhere after long hours of travel for event coverage. And while she did want to come home immediately, seeing that they were already at Makati, she didn’t have the heart to say no to her personnel when they asked for a long stopover time to eat, smoke, and do other things. So she simply stayed in the van after eating and freshening up.

She looks at her iPad on her lap. Even while traveling, she still had some broadcast scripts to finish, so she had no choice but to do it, even with the risk of her vertigo acting up because of working on a moving vehicle. At least, with the stopover, she had the chance to work as much as she could. But Onyx’s text just distracted her. Before she can send a reply, she sees her cousin’s caller ID. With a raised eyebrow, she answers the call.

“Huy Ate Nyx, may gig kayo ah?”

“Mamaya pa kami. Gusto ko pag-usapan ‘tong sinulat mo kagabi.”

She sighs as she pinches her nose bridge in stress. Her cousin has been bugging her about what happened last night since she woke up this morning. They had been drinking, and thankfully, the journalist didn’t have any hangover feelings. But she didn’t really remember what happened since she was so drunk.

“Ate, lasing ako niyan. ‘Di ko na nga maalala kung ano pinagsususulat ko,” she mutters, feeling a headache coming.

“E’di balikan mo? Sinulat mo do’n sa document mo para kay Andi.”

That gets her attention. She panics, not expecting her to touch her document for Andi again after three years. She wasn’t sure if her ex-lover still opened that document, but it still felt embarrassing to her.

“Bakit ‘di mo sinabi agad?!” She quickly closes her work on her iPad and opens the document app where her poem dedications to Andi are written. She scrolls to the end and sees well-written but broken lines of verses and sentences.

“Hala gagi nakakahiya!”

“Anong nakakahiya? Gago June, ang galing mo nga kagabi? Kinakanta mo na nga ‘yan kahapon, gumawa-gawa ka pa ng melody habang tumutungga ng vodka.”

“Tuwang tuwa ka naman,” the journalist groans as she takes another look at the things she has apparently written. 

She finds it surprising that there aren't any typos at all, as if it were just written by a sober, inspired individual. She scoffs—she hasn’t written anything since Andi broke up with her. It was as if her ink flow had stopped, the melodies of her life had gone, and what was left was just a shell of who she used to be—the woman that Andi loved so much.

But as she reads the lines she has written, the more hurt she feels. She realizes how raw her words are, it looks more like a diary entry than a poem verse. Everything just rushes back to her, as if it were three years ago all over again. It’s been three years, and yet June can never forget.

She hurt Andi so much. So she doesn’t mind getting hurt herself, because she thinks she deserves it.

“Pramis, Kayz, tapusin mo ‘yan. I can see the vision,” Onyx says behind the line. “Malay mo eto na ulit ‘yung spark na hinahanap mo to write again.

“Spark niyo, kamo. Gusto niyo lang makakuha ulit ng kanta galing sa’kin eh,” June rolls her eyes in annoyance. “Bakit ‘di ikaw tumapos neto? Tutal may vision ka na pala?”

“Feelings mo ‘to, Kayz. Hindi akin.”

Onyx’s playful tone has gone all of a sudden, and the younger cousin feels the weight of her words. They both fall into silence, with June absorbing her cousin’s intention behind her words. Her grip on her iPad tightens, her facial expressions turning solemn even though the other woman couldn’t see.

“Kung tapusin ko man ’to, hindi mo pwedeng basta-basta kunin. Hindi mo gagawing kanta ang feelings ko, Ate Onyx,” She replies, her tone sharper than intended. 

“Okay, e’di hindi. Wala namang problema,” her cousin replies softly, a sigh escaping her lips. “Pero baka mas maiging isulat mo ‘yan lahat kesa ikimkim mo. Tatlong taon na, June. Hindi ba napakabigat?”

June doesn’t reply, her thoughts running around her mind like horses unbridled. They go silent again, with Onyx hearing her cousin’s heavy breathing alone.

“Osha, set na namin,” her cousin pauses. “Pag-isipan mo ah? Para sa’yo ‘to, hindi sa banda. Bonus lang sa’min kapag ibigay mo sa’min kung tutuusin.”

The call ends, and June’s personnel slowly return to the van. Still, the journalist’s thoughts keep running around her mind. She takes a look at her writings.

Kasi ikaw pa rin pala, nagsisisi ka rin ba?

“Tanga ka talaga, self,” she mutters to herself. “Gawa-gawa ka ng tula, ‘di ka naman na mahal ni Andi.”

Thankfully, none of the other people in the van hears or pays attention to her. As their vehicle starts moving again, she closes her iPad and chucks it into her bag, losing her will to work or do anything because of their conversation a while ago. She simply clutches her phone tightly, staring outside the window in hopes of calming herself down.

She occasionally looks at her phone and opens her document there. A thought to delete it comes to mind, and she purses her lips. She thinks about it—it doesn’t have a purpose anymore, and she doesn’t think Andi is opening it anymore, either. Her spark for writing won’t be returning anytime soon, too, and she doesn’t wish for it to return, anyway. 

Her words are for Andi and Andi alone, and she doesn’t want them anymore.

But as she is about to press the delete button, she notices headlights coming their way. And before she realizes what is happening, the van suddenly skids to a stop. In just a sudden moment, panic and chaos surround a still-clueless June, and just as she regains her thought consciousness, bullets rain on the van.

She watches as colleagues, personnel, and people around her slowly fall one by one as bullets continue to hit them. She then feels one, then another, and then another. It was too fast, she didn’t even have the time to process what had been happening, and all she felt was pain, blood trickling everywhere around her body.

Her last thought before the pain overtakes her into unconsciousness was Andi, and the promise she gave her back then, when they were still happy.

“So, promise me you’ll always come home to me, okay, and I promise I will come home to you, always.”

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

Ironically, these were the first words that came to June’s mind when she slowly regained consciousness. Even though she still feels so weak, she tries to muster all the strength she can get to open her eyes. She ends up closing them, however, when the bright white lights of the hospital attack her sight. She feels her vertigo act up, and just as a nauseous feeling overtakes her, she realizes that a tube is attached to her mouth.

She groans, and a cough comes out. It ends up hurting her, though—the cough made the tube move and hit a part of her throat.

“June?” She vaguely hears someone call out, and she vaguely feels a hand touch her own. “June, naririnig mo ba ako?”

Yes. She wanted to say, but not only did she not have any strength to do anything, but the tube was also blocking her ability to speak.

“Squeeze my hand if you can, June,” and so she does, albeit slowly and weakly. Whoever this was, their palms felt so soft and gentle to touch. 

Kind of like Andi’s.

She tries to squeeze more because of that, and she feels the hand return the squeeze gently. After a short while, she feels fingers hover over her forehead and her hair being moved. The tired journalist wanted to open her eyes so, so badly, but the lack of strength and the intensity of the light were hindering her from doing so.

“Oh god, June,” she hears it again, and only does she realize how soothing the voice sounded despite the panic lacing around her tone. “Gising na si June! Macks, call Doc Jas!”

The next few moments were a blur to the semi-conscious June. She lost hold of that gentle hand, and for the next moments, she could only hear vague voices talking to her.

“June, can you breathe?”

Duh? She tries to take a sharp breath, but the tube in her mouth hinders her from doing so, making her choke again. Thankfully, someone gently removes it from her mouth.

‘Asa’n ba ako?

“Ok, can you try opening your eyes for me?” Whoever was talking didn’t have the same soothing voice the first one had, but still, she tried. With one last attempt, she tries to open her eyes. Even though the lights were still too bright, she managed to keep her eyes open for a little while. Her vision was too blurry, but she could make out a few people standing over her. As her vision gets clearer, the more she realizes where she could be. She remembers being on the van, then the van stopping and getting shot at.

Ah. Buhay ako. She muses. Ospital ata ‘to.

She closes her eyes again, falling unconscious because of tiredness. But she remembers seeing Andi, or at least a blurred version of her, looking all panicked and hopeful as she stood a few steps away from her.

She wonders whether she was real or just an apparition of her imagination.

“June, how do you write your poems? You always write them so beautifully.”

“Basta galing sa puso, bub, it’ll always be beautiful.”

“Huy, parang ‘di man? No’ng sinubukan kong magsulat ng poem for you, ang chaka. Humagalpak pa nga si Skylar ng tawa, jusko nakakahiya.”

June laughs, a wonderful melody for Andi’s open ears.

“Kasi tingin mo corny. Saka ‘di naman si Sky audience mo eh,” June gives a warm smile. “Hayaan mo ang puso mo ang magsalita para sa’yo. Magugulat ka kung anong kaya niyang isulat.”

June woke up thirteen days after she was released from the Intensive Care Unit.

Just as expected, her recovery goes fast. In just three days, the tubes and machines are removed from her, leaving only an IV drip. She was also able to recover her strength quickly, thanks to her being able to eat properly. Her brain activity was deemed normal, too, and thankfully, none of her blood loss has affected any of her physical or mental activity. Even though her wounds had closed up, the wound on her shoulder still needed some time to fully recover, so the journalist still had to wear a sling to ensure less movement. She also still needs to do some physical therapy for her physical mobility to fully recover.

Thankfully, the incident hasn’t really affected her emotional well-being, either. She has shown great mental strength when she was evaluated for possible trauma disorders. Maybe it was just because June was just too happy and relieved to be alive to think about the ambush. So even though she seemed fine, she would still need to attend therapy for that.

In all honesty, the three days after she woke up felt like a blur for the patient. Her family, friends, and colleagues have come and gone, expressing their relief, worry, and happiness like a bucket of water being poured. It was pretty overwhelming—she was still recovering after all—but it did feel relieving for her, too. 

She was happy to hear that all of her colleagues in the van survived, too. Her management has refused to disclose any more information as of yet to her as they didn’t want to add any emotional or mental turmoil to their recovering employee. But for June right now, the most important thing is hearing them alive and well.

Aside from that, she still thinks about that apparition of Andi.

It felt too vivid, seemed too vivid, and looked too vivid despite being blurry. Thinking about it, she realizes that the voice that called to her during her first waking moments sounded like her ex-lover, too. But of course, that would be impossible. Because why would her ex-lover call to her softly like that—full of love and tenderness on top of relief?

But then again, she is confined in the hospital where Andi and Macky work. Maybe seeing Andi means that the woman is her doctor? Another doctor comes to mind, however—Doctor Jasmine, she recalls—and scraps the thought of Andi being her designated doctor.

She concludes that it was merely her imagination and nothing else.

“‘Di ba dadaan si Ate Macks dito?” She asks her cousin, who was her designated companion for today. “Kahit as a friend? Since hindi naman siya ‘yung doctor ko?”

“Mamaya pa break no’n. Hintayin mo na lang,” Onyx shrugs before going back to her phone. “Masyado mo naman miss jowa ko.”

“‘Di pa kasi siya nadaan dito since kahapon eh.”

“Busy sa ER ‘yon. Mukhang toxic duty kahapon.”

“Grabe wapakels yarn?”

“Anong wapakels? Napudpod nga ata labi ko kakahingi niya ng halik.”

“Okay, ‘di ko need malaman ‘yon.” June laughs, but she winces after a while because of the discomfort in her shoulder. “‘Di pa pala okay ‘yan.”

“Kalma ka kasi, para ka na namang kiti–kiti. Kakagaling mo lang, tandaan mo,” Onyx chuckles before standing up to take some fruits given by her cousin’s colleagues. “Ano gusto mo? Orange? Apples? Ubas?”

“Yung phone ko, Ate.”

“Hindi naman nakakain ‘yon, ui,” the older woman rolls her eyes. “Saka pwede ka na ba mag-phone?”

“Ok lang daw, sabi ni Doc Jas. Basta ‘di naman matagal. Kahit tanong mo pa si Ate Macks,” June pouts as she pleads to her older cousin. “Dali na ate, bored na ako huhu.”

With an eye roll, Onyx quickly peels two oranges for her cousin before grabbing her dusty and bloody phone from one of the hospital’s drawers. Putting the oranges on a plate, she slowly puts the plate on the seated patient’s lap. She takes a few pieces of wet wipes to wipe off the blood 

“Grabe ngayon lang nilinis?”

“Malay ko bang hahanapin mo agad?”

They both roll their eyes at each other before chuckling. With only one hand available, she opens her phone. As she does so, she notices that it is fully charged. Luckily, it wasn’t damaged in any way—it was just dirty and bloody. She then checks her apps, messages, and files, and sees none have been moved or touched. 

Her fingers unconsciously open her document app, and it immediately opens her dedication document to Andi. She remembers attempting to delete that document before they were ambushed and mulls over whether to continue.

Onyx notices the shift in mood and sees June frown while looking at her phone. Taking a subtle peek at the latter’s phone, she raises an eyebrow in curiosity.

“Bakit, Kayz?”

“Wala,” the younger cousin purses her lips. “Idedelete ko na dapat yung doc ko for Andi.”

“Huh? Bakit?” The older cousin raises an eyebrow. “Wag ui, binubuksan pa ‘yan ni Andi.”

June looks up sharply from her phone, a surprised look on her face and a wince of pain afterward. She bows her head again, blinking her dizziness away from the sudden movement. Onyx quickly stands and heads to her side to assist her. She hands a glass of water, which the patient happily accepts, putting her phone down on her lap and grabbing the glass with one hand.

“Nambibigla ka naman, ‘te Nyx.” The journalist sighs after recovering.

“Sorry beh, ‘di ko naman alam na ‘di mo alam. ‘Di mo ba nakikita sa logs mo?” The vocalist asks innocently. “I mean, ‘di mo ba nakikita do’n kung sino huling nagbukas?”

As Onyx takes the glass back, she takes her phone and opens it again. She scrolls through her files slowly and, seeing the document, she long-presses it to see the details.

Last opened: Yesterday, 8:32pm by Andi

“Oh,” June freezes in shock. She did not expect her ex to open her document poems, much less for her to open it just as recently as yesterday. 

Scrolling through her logs, she noticed a good number of log entries that weren’t from her. She takes note of the logs from her phone and iPad, probably when she was drunk-texting her recent little poem, and when she checked what she wrote the next day. But the remaining open logs are from Andi, and they show she has been opening the document almost every day for the past three years.

She just gapes, unsure how to feel. Looking up, she stares at her cousin, who is looking at her sheepishly. 

“Paano mo nalamang binubuksan niya ‘yung doc?” June asks breathlessly. “Kami lang may access neto ah?”

“Uhm,” Onyx stutters. “Sinabi ko sa kanyang may sinulat ka nung lasing ka?”

“Hoy!” Horrified, the younger woman’s eyes widened before looking back at her phone again to open the document. 

She scrolls as quickly as she can. She didn’t mind if Andi did open the document from time to time to look back on her poems (if that was her ex-girlfriend’s intention), but for June to stupidly write some drunken ramblings on the shared document and not delete it afterward, she feels a flurry of emotions—regrets, fear, embarrassment, curiosity.

But as she reaches her recently written ramblings, her thumb pauses. She blinks as she reads silently.

Ni hindi ko na matapos ang kantang 'to

(Pero uulit-ulitin ko, kahit marindi man sa 'kin ang mundo)

She doesn’t remember writing this particular part, but it hits because it is as if someone finished her thought for her. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion as she read and re-read the new lines inside the parentheses.

“Ate Nyx, ginalaw mo ba phone ko?”

“Naka-ziplock ‘yan bago ka magising, ui. Tinago ko pa nga.”

Oh. She scrolls down carefully, seeing the little edits in between her random sentences. Her thumb shakes as she slowly looks at the new sets of words, her tears starting to fall. Only one person comes to mind, even though she doesn’t want to get her hopes up.

(Eh di sana 'di hilo ang puso)

Onyx simply watches from the side, curious about what June is seeing, but decides not to pry and lets her cousin take it in. But whatever this is, she knows Andi is in the center.

Alam mo bang suot ko pa ang kuwintas na regalo mo no'ng ikatlong taon?

Paano ba tayo napunta sa puntong 'to?

Kasi ikaw pa rin pala, nagsisisi ka rin ba?

(Alam mo bang nasa akin pa ang una mong tula?

Parang bulong sa hangin ang boses mo sa akin

Ikaw pa rin pala, ako'y huli na ba?)

Nasa akin pa ang una mong tula. June’s first poem for Andi was purely handwritten on cute little stationery paper that she randomly bought from the bookstore. She didn’t really want to get her hopes up at all, but the more she read on, the more her heart yearned. The words seem to be filling her unfinished thoughts, like a perfect puzzle piece. She wanted to believe that these were Andi’s writings and her heartfelt replies to her own ramblings.

Because why would Andi edit the document if not for that? 

The door opens, snapping both cousins out of their reveries. June quickly drops her phone, setting her confused and rambling thoughts aside to focus on whoever just entered. Onyx is the first to see who enters, and she hums in pleasant surprise.

“Andi, hi. Ngayon ka lang?”

June takes a sharp breath of surprise, all her thoughts coming back to her. Before she could ask her cousin if she was fibbing, a doctor steps into view, and she freezes.

It was Andi, all in her doctor glory, in scrubs and a white coat over them. Her stethoscope is slung over her shoulder, and she has a clipboard in her hand. She had specs on, something June knows that her ex-lover only wears whenever she gets too tired reading things like patient charts. Her hair is wrapped in a messy bun with a few strands escaping. 

Even with her disheveled and not-so-kempt look, June still thinks Andi is the most beautiful person she will ever meet in her lifetime

“Sorry, three days straight na duty,” the doctor yawns as she steps closer to the foot of June’s bed. “Medyo toxic pa. Tingnan mo ‘yung jowa mo, pagod na pagod na.”

“Grabe bai, bakit naman tatlong araw na walang pahinga?”

“‘Di bale na, last hour of duty ko naman na.”

Andi did sound tired, but to June, she also sounded too cheery for someone who is in the same area as her ex. The latter simply stares at the doctor, who hasn’t looked at her just yet, and wonders if she intends to ignore her.

But then, she suddenly turns to look at her with a soft and gentle smile. Her eyes were filled with so many emotions—relief, hesitation, joy, and so much more that June could not comprehend.

“Hi, June.”

June must look like a fish out of the water at the moment with how intensely she is staring at her confident-looking ex-girlfriend. She didn’t intend to meet her like this—confined and recovering after a nasty murder attempt. But she didn’t expect her to meet her like this, either, like things are okay. There was no screaming or glaring or anything remotely close to that, unlike how she expected. Instead, Andi was there, standing just a few inches from the foot of her bed with a gentle smile on her face.

Didn’t they break up badly? Like it was so bad they refused to see and talk to each other for three years? Why is she smiling at her like that, as if June was her whole world again?

“I’ll be filling in muna for Doc Jas, ah. May emergency kasi siya at the moment, and medyo busy ang mga doctors today.”

Oh. Maybe Andi was just being amicable for professionalism’s sake, after all. She couldn’t help but feel a little bit disappointed, but it went away quickly. She remembers that she doesn’t have the right to feel that way since she caused Andi so much hurt. But then she remembers, however, that—

“Akala ko ‘di pwede sa chief niyo na medically involved kayo sa mga taong emotionally involved kayo?” Onyx voices her thoughts for her. 

“Walang choice si chief,” Andi shrugs before giving a cheeky smile. “Saka, he doesn’t have to know. Basta check the patient and make sure they are ok.”

“Besides, I need to see June again.”

If she were standing right now, she would surely melt at how loving Andi sounded while saying that. She could only swallow hard, seeing how soft-looking her ex was despite her tired demeanor. Without further ado, Andi heads towards June’s side, with Onyx stepping back (with a cheeky smile of her own). She quickly does her doctor duties—vitals check, patient survey, and the like. With every question Andi throws, June automatically answers, like a robot on autopilot. Her eyes never left Andi, who still had a soft look on her face.

“I’m sorry if hindi na kita napuntahan after you woke up,” Andi whispers. “Three days kasi talaga akong sunod-sunod sa ER.”

June doesn’t say anything, still looking at her ex in disbelief. Andi is here, holding her, touching her, without any kind of repulsion she expected. Heck, she even said that she needed to see June. As she absorbs what her first love has just told her, she realizes that she must have been going into her room multiple times. Even when Onyx greeted the entering doctor, it was as if it were a normal occurrence.

So that image of Andi checking on her when she finally woke up wasn’t an apparition after all.

The journalist doesn’t hear anything else as Andi discusses June’s charts and condition. But judging from the smiles on her cousin’s and love’s faces, she must really be recovering well, after all. The only thing she hears is hearing was Andi’s soft and gentle voice and her melodious chuckles, and the only thing she sees is Andi

She hasn’t really changed, June muses. She was still as beautiful as the sun rising in the east, repenting westward flight as it chased away the night.

Andi bids them goodbye, snapping the younger woman out of her reverie. 

“Andi, wait,” she quickly says, but stops when she realizes what she did. The doctor looks back, an expectant look on her face, but June finds herself speechless.

She had so much to say—she wanted to ask how she was, wanted to say that she missed her, still misses her, that three years without her was very, very painful, that she was sorry for hurting her and wasting three years. She also wanted to ask what she meant by what she wrote, if it was a reply to her raw, bare feelings.

If Andi still feels the same as hers.

But nothing comes out. Out of shame, nervousness, or hesitation, June doesn’t know. But the older woman seems to understand, as her smile softens a bit more, and her eyes seem to want to convey so many feelings.

“I’ll be back,” Andi says, and June hears the reassurance behind it. “Take a good rest first, okay?”

They both stare at each other in silence, with each stare holding so much weight of emotions. But unlike the last time that they met—when they broke up—their lingering looks held no ounce of hurt, anger, or doubt. Instead, they looked at each other with eyes filled with relief, hope, and love. They look away with smiles on their faces, not because of discomfort nor of sadness, but because they now understand what they want to convey to each other. They got the assurance and the answer that they were looking for.

Like a silent understanding that they would be okay because now they know—June still loves Andi, and Andi still loves her back.

Di sana nangamba kung ako'y mahal mo pa.

“I’ll see you soon.” Then we can try again, maybe? “Don’t check your phone too much.” But I hope my words are enough for now, June.

As soon as Andi says that, she quickly ducks and looks back at her phone as the doctor leaves. She scrolls through the document one last time, now with a soft and happy smile on her face. 

Bawat melodiya sa 'yo lang papunta, bumabalik sa umpisa

Kung puwedeng maulit, dasal ko sa langit, ikaw na lang ulit

(Tayo na lang ulit.)

“Ate Onyx, kailan mo ulit kailangan ng kanta?”

“Wow, buti naalala mo pang nandito ako.”