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•|I've been living a lie for awhile now. Pretending I was straight so my dad won't kick me out or send me to a conversion camp or some other bullshit he threatens whenever I step out of line. If I'm being honest with myself -which I rarely am- I've known I liked girls since second grade. Guys just never stuck out to me, not even Beck. Thankfully Beck is a good enough guy to stay together with me after I told him that; to avoid drawing suspicion about my sexuality; or his since he is gay.|•
Clutching my handbag, I walked down the stairs towards my little 'friend' group, looking up at the banner Robbie was just hanging up.
"Tinkle Aid" The disgusting yellow paper said. I arched a brow.
"So, this Saturday night I'm gonna be appearing in 'tinkle aid'" I hissed. God what a horrible name choice, but then again what more could I expect from Robbie fucking Shapiro.
"We did not approve of the name" André held his hands up defensively.
"Well I'm getting hungry." Tori suddenly announced. I'd barely been there a second but I had to agree, my stomach was starting to feel pretty hollow. It didn't help that I'd rushed to get coffee that morning and forgot to eat breakfast. "Nozu?" Tori finishing her sentence broke me from my distracted thoughts.
Me and Cat both agreed quickly, sushi sounded pretty good, though at this point I'd have been fine with just about anything. The boys did not seem to like this plan as they protested, causing me to groan inwardly.. or maybe that was my stomach.
"We always go to Nozu!" Robbie whined.
"Yeah, I want a burger, let's go to Karaoke Dokie, I need some beef and fat in my diet!" André agreed.
I began taping my foot on the ground impatiently.
"We want sushi!" Tori augured back.
"Yeah!" Cat tried.
I mumbled something in agreement, though I didn't really care where we ended up. Beck started walking towards us and to my continued annoyance, Tori pulled him over.
My foot tapping was beginning to make a sound, luckily the brunette speaking drowned it out as I crossed my arms.
"Beck, we were just about to head to Nozu! Wanna come?" She offered.
"I can't" He shrugged. "I'm hanging out with my friend Moose from canada. I haven't seen him since feeferdoon."
"What's feeferdoon?" Cat tilted her head a little.
"It's what we call Kindergarten in Canada" I had a feeling that was a lie, but I didn't know enough about Canada to disprove it, so instead I barked:
"Wow, that is not interesting!" My foot quicked it's taping again, could they hurry this bullshit up? Just as I was about to snap at them that some of us were actually hungry, Beck spoke again.
"Hey, there he is!" He pointed to the steps.
I turned around and saw him, this huge guy in a red blazer that any straight girl would find hotter than fire. I remained more interested in my hunger, but when I saw the way Tori and Cat gawked at the guy, I knew I should be putting up some sort of act to feel the same if I didn't want my cover blown. I shoved down the sudden spike of jealousy in my throat, pretending to be fascinated in this man too.
Beck was about to say something to his friend, but was held back by Tori grabbing Moose's arm.
"Heeey Moose~" She cooed, squeezing his bicep. I thanked whatever God was out there that I was an actress, otherwise my disgust and envy would've been glaringly obvious. "We are about to go to Nozu, wanna come?"
"Nah, I'm not into eating raw fish" Moose started. "I like burgers."
"Burgers it is!" Tori exclaimed loudly, suddenly switching sides.
Me and Cat agreed a little too eagerly, for Cat she just really wanted to impress moose, and for me it came off that way, but I just couldn't wait to get some fucking food. "I'll drive!" I called, storming out the door. If there was one more thing distracting us from lunch I might've started eating out of the trashcan.
I heard the others behind me as we made it to my car. Everyone piled in, with Cat leaning against one side of Moose, Tori leaning against the other, Beck in my passenger seat and André in his own car with Robbie.
------
We finally made it to Karaoke Dokie. The drive felt like it took years, though really it was barely five minutes. Stepping inside the immediate smell of junk food was enough to nearly make me salivate.
"There aren't enough tables" Beck announced.
"I'll sit over here." Moose called back, going to sit down. Me, Tori and Cat scrambled to sit near him, but Robbie got to my seat first and after failing to reason with him, I sat at Beck's table.
"I'm gonna head to the bathroom" Beck stood up, and suddenly he was grabbing my wrist and yanking it.
"Why do you need Jade with you for that..?" André hummed suspiciously.
"Yeah dude, what the fuck?!" I snapped, trying to sit back down.
"Just come on!" He pulled me again and I reluctantly followed him. Not to the bathroom, but instead out to the parking lot.
Once we were outside, I yanked my hand free. "Beck, what do you want?! I'm hungry!" I shouted.
"What is your deal?!" He grabbed my shoulders. "I thought you were into girls, why are you all over Moose?!"
I slapped my hand over his mouth. "Keep it down!" I whisper-yelled, glancing around in paranoia. I knew my dad wasn't there, but the fear of him overhearing still lingered.
He pushed my hand away. "I'd like to hang out with my friend, but I can't with you, Tori and Cat keeping him away from me! The other two I get but you?! What gives?!"
I sighed, slouching my shoulders and looking around to make sure no bystanders were watching. "I'm not into him." I admitted. "but if I don't act like I am, it'll be suspicious."
Beck sighed too, lowering his hands and running one through his hair. "I get it, Jade. I know you're scared of having your cover blown but could you please tone it down a little, for me?"
"No!" I snapped, stomping his foot. "If I don't fight as hard as they do, it'll be obvious I'm faking it!"
"You're being irrational!" He lifted his foot to rub it slightly before putting it back down again.
"So are they!"
"But they aren't lesbian!"
I shoved him into a bush. "I said keep it down!"
He yelped as he was sent flying into a pile of leaves and sticks. "Ow!" He called back to me. "What is wrong with you today?! You've been extra angry!"
"I'm always angry!" I helped him out of the bush apologetically, adding the next part as more of a whisper. "..and I skipped breakfast."
"What? I can't hear you over the cars!"
I groaned, running my hand down my face. "I said I skipped breakfast! I woke up late and was in such a hurry to get coffee that I forgot!"
He nodded, suddenly softening. "Well that explains it." He then pat my shoulder. "Let's go get you something to eat then, before you bite my head off."
"Oh I'm getting there." I growled.
He pleaded with me to tone down my act again as we entered, but dropped it once we were inside. We sat back down at the table, food already waiting there. It took all my self control to not scarf it all down like a rabid animal.
"That was a long bathroom trip." André mused suspiciously.
"We were uh-.." Beck lost his train of thought.
I nudged him while picking up my burger shakily. Suddenly all that self restraint died and I began mauling it like it was the first thing I'd eaten all day...because it was.
"-making out!" Beck continued. "Yup, that's what we were doing."
André just nodded, seemingly happy with that answer.
I continued to rabidly eat like a starving lion until I heard something that caught my attention.
"...but I was hoping to go see the house where they filmed my favorite scary movie" Moose's voice suddenly tuned into my ears.
"Which is?" Tori questioned.
"The Scissoring"
I slammed my barely intact burger down into my plate, making André jump while Beck just sighed.
I jolted up, rushing to Moose's side. "Did you just say the scissoring?!" I still wasn't interested in this dude, but god I loved that movie.
"Yeah-?" He mumbled and I suddenly shoved Robbie off his chair, taking is place upon it.
"First of all!" I started, settling into the chair. "I love that movie more than I love my mother; and second, I know exactly where that house is and how to sneak into the backyard!"
I'd gone there a couple times to cry when my home life became too much and Beck or Tori were unavailable, but he didn't need to know that part.
Tori gawked. "Waiter!" She shouted. "My friend Moose would like a burger now please!"
"He's my friend too!" Cat added.
A pretty blonde girl sauntered to our table. "Do you want me to take your order?" She politely asked.
"No not you!" Tori hissed
"Go get the ugly waiter!" I added as the waitress walked away.
Once she was gone, I turned around and snatched my abandoned plate from Robbie before he could start eating the carcass of my burger.
"What happened to your burger-?" Cut puzzled.
"I ate it." I deadpanned.
"Looks more like you mauled it to death." Tori side commented, I glared at her.
"I was hungry, Vega." I defended myself.
"See, Moose, she's a messy eater!" Cat stood and pointed at me accusingly. "Don't you want a girl who is cleaner!"
"Cat Valentine!" I slammed the table, causing the girl to squeak and sit back down.
Moose just chuckled awkwardly. I slowly started to continue eating my burger, suddenly self conscious about how sloppily it'd done so before.
.
.
.
I didn't let anyone ride in my car once all was said and done, my social battery was as good as dead. I watched the other's drive away, cramped into André's car. Once they were finally gone I slumped into my steering wheel with a heavy sigh. I definitely did not want to go back home right now, I didn't want to talk to anyone at all, let alone my parents. I shifted my car's gear out of park and began to drive to the house where they filmed The Scissoring.
The drive was about thirty minutes and I took the whole thing in silence. No music, podcasts, calls, nothing, just me and my thoughts.
It had barely been a day but this 'desperate for some guy's attention' act was already exhausting.
Pulling into the house's block, I parked just outside of it. I stepped out and locked my car, I snuck into the backyard and sat in the darkest corner as I had done many times before. Instead of crying this time however, I took out a small flask from my pocket, sloshing the liquid inside around for a second before leaning against the wall of the house and taking a swing of the whisky.
The next few days were gonna be long.
------
I wiped off the obnoxiously fluffy skirt of the dress I chose to wear today. An exact replica of the dress that Tawny Walker Black wore in The Scissoring. I knew wearing this and carrying around the scissors Cat got me for Christmas was the perfect plan to make it seem like I was desperately in love with...cow? -I forgot his name, I just knew it was an animal.- while also giving a flashy show for Tori, who I secretly hoped would suddenly fall in love with me instead, but that was wishful thinking. Suddenly I heard my name from a certain red-head's mouth and knew it was my time to shine.
Game face on, I shoved aside my hangover and took a deep breath, stepping into the main hall. "I heard my name~"
"Jade, what are you wearing?!" André sounded tired.
"Is that-?" Moose started as I stood beside him.
"Yeeup" I popped the P. "A copy of the costume Tawny Walker Black wore in your favorite movie, The Scissoring."
"Haha-! Wow!" Cat quipped desperately. "Hey Moose, do you have any flowers for Jade? No, okay!" She shoved a bouquet of Roses in my face.
I pushed them back. "Did i mention these are the scissors from the movie!?" I snapped the scissors on his face.
"I gave her those!" Cat augured.
"Yeah and look at how sharp they are!" I grinned as I began ruthlessly cutting the heads off Cat's roses. It was a perfect way of making it look like jealousy while also venting some built up frustration in my gut.
Cat squealed helplessly as the rose petals fell to the ground.
"Moose! I didn't know you'd be here!" I suddenly heard the voice of my favorite Vega sister. I turned around to see Tori dressed in a hockey blazer, showing it off rather obviously. Damn it looked good on her though..
I shook my head, realizing I was gawking at the wrong person.
"I didn't know you were a hockey fan!" Moose chimed to Tori, who smiled her beautiful, bright smile.
"Yup! Been a fan for a while!" She turned around, pointing at the back of the blazer. "See, it says my name on the back! I can't get a shirt like this overnight!"
"You can too!" Cat piped up.
"Yeah, just go to that overnight shirt sho-" I started to add, but Tori frantically told me to shut up and like a fool I listened. My mouth was closed in seconds as I watched the two talk about stuff related to Hockey that Tori clearly didn't understand.
Tori pulled out two Hockey tickets, waving them around. "Look what I gooot~"
"Tickets to the LA kings game?!" Moose looked stunned.
I walked to Tori's side, unable to resist the pull she had on me. "Ok, she is not an LA kings fan!" I hissed.
"She's faking!" Cat backed me up.
"I am not faking!" Tori shouted, flailing around adorably in frustration.
I watched them continue to talk Hockey with a scowl for a minute, jealousy building in my throat. Why was Tori so obsessed with this stupid guy? What did he have that I didn't?! ..I knew the answer to that. He was a guy, and I wasn't. The jealousy burnt my chest and I found myself butting in. "So! You like my dress and my scissors from your favorite movie?" I interrupted, hoping it would make it look like the envy in my eyes was from Moose and not the girl next to me.
Cat tried to lure Moose like a dog with a burger. I found it very alluring too, probably more so than moose. I'd woken up too late for breakfast again since I'd been drinking last night, that that burger cat kept flailing around was not helping. I barely noticed as Tori fought for Moose's attention back, eventually dragging him away.
Trying to get my mind off my very gay and very hungry thoughts, I snarled. "Can you believe her? Using hockey to try and get Moose to like her?"
"It's disgusting." Cat agreed.
Silence stretched over us for a few moments before I blurted. "Well I'm gonna come up with a better plan!" and stormed off before I could hear cat respond.
.
.
.
I locked myself in a bathroom stall, taking off the itchy dress and replacing it with the same outfit I'd worn to Saturday detention that one time, the sweater was warm and comfortable.
Once changed, I stuffed the dress into my bag, hauled it over my shoulder and set out to find a vending machine with snacks in it.
.
It ate my dollar. I kicked the machine, the stupid thing ate my money. I growled in frustration as the machine continued to dangle snacks just out of my reach.
Suddenly, footsteps approached and I turned around just in time to see Beck walk in.
"Skip breakfast again?" He simply stated like it was obvious.
"How'd you know?!" I threatened, aiming my scissors defensively in his direction.
He gestured to me. "You're threatening me with scissors, kicking a vending machine and I could hear your stomach growling in the hall earlier.
I sighed, looking away in embarrassment.
"Here." He placed something in my hand, something warm. It took me a moment to register it was a breakfast burrito.
I opened my mouth to say something, but his face suddenly contorted in disgust. "What-?" I mumbled, unwrapping the burrito.
I began to eat, only to nearly choke on his next words.
"Were you drinking again-? Your breath smells like whiskey.." He furrowed his brow in concern.
I didn't answer, instead looking at the -now very interesting- wall and continuing to scarf my late breakfast.
"Jade..."
"Mphm.. Dont." I grumbled, my mouth full.
"Jade, we talked about this.."
I swallowed my current bite and took another one, chewing slowly to delay having to talk. Suddenly the burrito was out of my hands as fast as it appeared there. Me and my stomach both protested at this.
"Hey!" I snapped, trying to grab it as he held the food out of my reach.
"I'll give it back if you talk to me"
"This is fucked up on so many levels. Fine! I'll starve!" I shoved past him, making a move to leave before he yanked me back by the strap of my bag.
"Jade, I'm sorry, just take it." He shoved the burrito back in my hands. "I still want you to talk to me, but you're right, that was kinda messed up."
I accepted the burrito back happily, but the more I looked at it, the more my appetite faded. I sighed heavily. "Yes."
"yes what-?"
"Yes, I drank last night!" I snapped. "Putting up that act was just so exhausting and watching Tori.." I trailed off, trying to swallow the tears building up my throat. "It was just a lot, Beck.."
The boy with the flawless hair rubbed my arm sympathetically. "You could've come over you know.."
I wiped my nose with my sleeve, sniffling. "No I couldn't, you were m-mad at me.."
"That doesn't mean I don't care about you, dumbass." He ruffled my hair affectionately. I couldn't help the small smile tugging on my lips at that, forever grateful he was my friend. "Though I am still a little upset you missed rehearsal last night in the favor of alcohol.."
"I would've skipped, drink or no drink." I admitted, chewing my burrito again. "Last night was just..too much."
Beck glanced at the clock behind me, ruffling my hair again. "We should probably head to class, don't wanna be late for Sikowitz"
I nodded, following him silently out the door as I finished my breakfast.
-----
I banged on the door as ruthlessly as possible.
"Who is it??" I heard Tori yell.
I didn't respond and just continued slamming my fist into the poor wood.
Tori said something else before opening the door
"Where is he?!" I screamed into the Vega household, shoving past Tori and walking in.
"Hi!" Cat shouted angrily, walking in behind me. I sniffed the familiar scent of Tori's house, letting the comfort of it wash over me.
"What are you guys-?! Augh, I don't remember saying 'come in'!" Tori snapped.
"Well I don't remember saying you could hog Moose!" I shouted back. God I did not care about that stupid boy, I just wanted to be in Tori's house again, this was the best cover up.
"Wha- What are you talking about-?!" Tori forced a smile, holding her hands in front of her.
"Oh well Moose, my goodness! I certainly do enjoy a fine game of hockey~!" I mocked her in my trademark Tori voice.
"Oh please take me to the hockey game, Moose! I'm ever so DESPERATE~!" Cat joined in, mimicking my mockery. I grinned at her in pride.
"I don't talk like that!!" Tori hollered.
"Whatever! You have been hogging Moose and you know it!" I retorted.
"Moose Hogger!" Cat added.
"How can I hog a guy if he's not even here!?" Tori called back, flailing her hands in outrage.
"Then where is he?!" I threatened.
"He said he wanted to hang out with Beck!"
"I bet he's probably at Karaoke Dokie then" I looked at Cat. We were gonna have to leave now I guessed. It stung a little, but it wouldn't have made much sense to stay.
"Yeah, that's where the burgers are! Let's go!" Cat practically dragged me out the door.
"Later!" I called
"Gator!" Cat added on
.
.
"Wait a second!" The red head stopped in her tracks. I paused, her voice snapping me out of my melancholy.
"What?"
"She's probably lying!" Cat pointed back at the house. "Moose is absolutely there!"
"I doubt it" I mused, but I found myself longing to go back into the house that felt more like home than mine ever had. "but if you wanna go look-"
I barely got to finish my sentence before Cat dragged me back inside.
.
The comforting smell hit my nose all over again and I had to suppress a sigh at the warmth it filled me with.
"HA!" Cat shouted, sure enough, there was Moose. "I knew it!"
"Oh my god, you were right!" I made a show out of yelling.
"Wha- how did you know he was here?!" Tori shouted in dismay.
"It was obvious!" Cat began. "When you are home alone you always wear your glasses, which you are not!" I wouldn't protest if Tori wore them more often, they made her look adorably attractive.
"and!" Cat continued, picking up something from the coffee table. "Beef jerky! A guy's snack!"
"Dang it!" Tori groaned in defeat. I hadn't noticed before how observant Cat was.
Tori fawned over Moose again and I was unable to suppress a gag of disgust. "Eugh."
"I hate to be rude but I should really go spend some time with Beck.." Moose sighed.
"Well he's at Karaoke Dokie right now" I suddenly really wanted to get out of this house. "Come on, I'll drive you there"
"In a car" Cat added.
"and I will also be in the car!" Tori pipped in
Suddenly, the back door opened. "Ugh, I am exhausted!" Trina screeched, grating my nerves even more. "Im gonna go in my bed and sleep till-! ..Holy cheese, who's this hunk of dude!?" She began to walk over and I couldn't help but roll my eyes.
"This is Moose" Tori answered defensively.
"We're taking him to Karaoke Dokie" I added.
"I'm in, let's go!" Trina dragged Moose out. I rolled my eyes again.
I noticed as Tori reached for the door and decided to do the same, feasting on the way her skin brushed against mine.It sent tingles all up my arm as I pretended to fight her for the door handle, craving more of that feeling.
----
Trina sat Moose down at a table in Karaoke Dokie.
"Looks like Moose hogging runs in the family.." Cat remarked.
"Well, look who it is." Robbie hopped off the stage with Beck and André. "The rehearsal skippers."
"The three of you were supposed to be here, tonight at 7." André sighed.
"To help us rehearse for Tinkle Aid.." Robbie added sadly, I cringed at the horrible name again.
"...Oh big deal, so we missed one rehearsal." I grumbled when I noticed how guilty Tori looked.
"Actually, you blew us off last night too" André corrected.
"And today after school" Robbie added
"and tonight" Beck agreed.
"Well... We'll meet you here tomorrow night before the show!" Tori tried to compromise.
"Yeah, you know I had that thing last night, Beck." I added
"What thing?" Tori raised a brow.
"Shut up, Vega."
Beck only nodded.
"We can rehearse the song" I tried again.
"And your magic act" Cat continued.
"Don't worry about it, we rewrote the show so we could do it without you." The guys stated.
"...we feel really bad we let you down.." Tori sighed.
"So do we." Beck responded as him, André and Robbie began to leave.
I bit my lower lip, chewing it for a second before calling. "Beck, wait!"
He turned around.
"I..." I started, suddenly feeling everyone's eyes on me. Sweat beaded on my forehead, the disgusting-ness off it only adding to my tension.
"Dont worry about it Jade.." He sighed, before walking out.
I stared at the ground, I couldn't tell if that was sincere or if he was mad at me again, but I did know one thing for sure, it was gonna be another whisky night.
.
.
.
Feelings of guilt, longing and a hint of tipsy-ness all bubbled in my chest. I was slowly walking to Beck's RV, having just downed another flask full of alcohol. I wasn't a lightweight, so I was still mostly in the right headspace, but my vision still swam a tad.
I could hear Tori talking the closer I got.
"Hey Vega!" I called, pointing a shaky finger at her. I walked closer. "What are you doing here?!"
"Winning!" Tori called back, panicked. Beck face palmed. "What are you doing here?!"
"Passing by!" I stumbled, not missing the way Beck looked at me. Truthfully, I had no idea Moose was here too, I just came to take Beck up on his word of always being allowed to come over. I walked as best as I could over to them, catching myself on the side of Beck's RV before I could fall and flipping my hair dramatically as if I'd done it on purpose.
Suddenly cat showed up with a grill.
Was it a grill?
I squinted.
Yup, that was definitely a grill.
What the fuck?
"Why are you here?!" Tori groaned.
"and what is that for..?" I pushed myself up a little.
"I was just going for a walk and cooking some hamburgers!" Cat replied as if it was normal. I sniffed the grill, it smelled good.
"Ok, I can't take this anymore. Moose, which one of these freaks do you like better, Cat, Tori or Jade?" Beck butt in.
Moose shrugged. "Sorry but I'm only into Canadian girls.."
"Why-?" I pushed, stumbling again despite having not moved at all, I glared at Beck when he looked at me knowingly.
Moose went on to list the reasons, I didn't listen. I was never into him anyway. Without thinking I fumbled into Beck's RV, collapsing onto his sofa.
I laid there for a minute, the world spinning around me.
.
After an undetermined amount of time, Beck came in. "Jade, your drunk." He said bluntly.
"What of it?" I sat up, swaying.
"What happened to just coming over?"
"I did" I gestured to myself.
"Before drinking, I mean"
"Are you mad at me." I pouted.
"...nah." He sat next to me with a sigh. I leaned into him.
"ok.."
Before long, it all went dark, the whiskey taking over and putting me to sleep.
•| And just like that I was back to living a lie. I heard something about Tori and Cat singing their apology at Karaoke Dokie to the boys, but I didn't go. Whatever they sung must've worked because everything was back to normal the next day, including my return to the closet.|•
-The End-