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“It should feel better, right?”
Connor lifts his head at the sound of Asher’s voice. Asher doesn’t need to elaborate for him to know exactly what he’s talking about. His voice says it all. They won Tristan’s case. Tristan can go back to foster care while that woman–who got him into this mess–faces the charges. They should be celebrating. But from what he hears went down behind closed doors with their client afterwards, it doesn’t feel like much of a victory.
Connor clears his throat awkwardly. “Congratulations,” he says weakly, trying to sound supportive.
“It wasn’t my victory, man.” Asher shakes his head bleakly before taking a seat on the bench next to Connor. After all, it was Bonnie who did all the work. She looked shaken after Tristan’s words, but Asher knows that he can’t be the one to offer her comfort. Not anymore. So he walked out of that room by himself, and the first familiar face he saw was Connor’s. “I’m not even sure if we can call it a victory. It kind of feels like we made the situation ten times worse.”
“Come on,” Connor laughs gently, trying to lighten the situation. “You got the kid out of juvie. No time served. And it’s like you said… Tristan was the victim here. Susan took advantage of him, and she deserves to pay for that.”
“That’s exactly my point!” Asher’s eyes flash angrily as he throws his hands up in frustration. “Tristan was the victim! And no one cared about what he wanted to do! He was willing to do the time! He was–he was willing to set his own well being aside for the sake of this kid, and nobody listened to him! How is that right?”
“He’s a kid, Asher.” Connor says softly, shaking his head. “He doesn’t know what’s best for him.”
Asher scoffs. “He knows enough to realize that baby is going to end up growing up in the system, just like he did. And that’s exactly what Tristan wanted to avoid. He just wanted to do what was best for the baby, and now… now he hates us for what we did.”
Connor looks down at his lap in silence. The cases that aren’t strictly black and white are the toughest. But he can’t exactly say he would have done anything differently if he had been in Bonnie’s position. Their biggest priority has to be the client. And he truly believes that they did what was best for Tristan.
“Just… think about it this way,” Connor finally says. “Tristan grew up suffering abuse, bouncing from one foster to another, and the last thing he deserves is time in juvie. And that woman… his teacher, took advantage of him. What happy ending do you think he would have gotten if you let this case go? He would have been doing credit card scams and god knows what else, trying to provide for a family that he could never acknowledge was his, with this woman who was his abuser. I think… I think he got off pretty well all things considered.”
Asher sighs softly, shaking his head. Though he knows Connor is right. “I just–I wish we could have listened to what Tristan wanted. Or maybe, I don’t know, talked some sense into him before dropping a bombshell on him in the courtroom.” Asher rubs his eyes tiredly. The exhaustion of working the case nonstop is finally getting to him. “Does he–does he even realize that he’s the victim here?”
“He wouldn’t have understood,” Connor says with a simple shrug of his shoulders. “He doesn’t know what’s best for himself–he’s fifteen.”
“He’s older than you were.”
Connor snaps his head up in shock. Any words he had to say get lodged in his throat. “W-what?”
Asher swallows uncomfortably. “You said you were fourteen, man.” He says softly.
Connor blinks before quickly looking away. The implication behind Asher’s words takes him by surprise. The discomfort he felt discussing it before aside, he certainly wasn’t expecting it to be brought up again. It’s just a bit of a sore subject.
“Damnit, I did it again.” Asher mutters after getting nothing but silence from Connor. “Fuck,” he curses, dropping his head into his hands.
“What–?”
“I keep–I keep being insensitive, saying things without thinking, I just–”
“It’s not–it’s not like that,” Connor cuts him off before he can keep rambling nonsense. “It wasn’t like that. You’re not being insensitive, because there’s nothing to be insensitive about,” he grumbles.
“Well, either way…” Asher says, looking at him skeptically. “I’m sorry. I’m being a fucking jerk.”
“You’re not,” Connor says through gritted teeth as he rolls his eyes, wanting nothing more than for the conversation to just be over.
Asher doesn’t seem to take the hint though. “Look, if you ever wanted someone to talk to–”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” Connor mutters under his breath. It’s not a subject he likes to think about, let alone talk about with Asher of all fucking people. It’s in the past, and damn it he’d like it to stay that way. Buried.
They sit silently for a moment before Asher chooses to speak again. “Look, you know my worst secrets, okay?” He says quietly. “If it wasn’t for you, I probably would have drowned myself in a bottle of scotch. I’ve done things that I’m not proud of. And I’m just… I’m just trying to be better.”
Connor’s shoulders sag heavily at the sincerity in Asher’s voice. They’ve all done bad things. It’s the one common thread that ties them all together. The one thing that brings together a group of people who would otherwise never consider each other friends.
“Thanks,” Connor says softly. “But… it was just a thing that happened.” Connor shrugs his shoulders lazily. “It was a long time ago.”
“Look, whatever you want to call it… it happened. And it’s not right.”
“It’s not what you think, okay?” Connor shifts uncomfortably at the tone of Asher’s voice. “The guy was really hot!”
“That doesn’t fucking matter,” Asher hisses. “He was eighteen, that’s like… seriously messed up.”
“I pursued him, okay?”
Asher falls silent and Connor groans, knowing he’s said too much to just stop there.
He shakes his head before he starts. “It was a three week long camp. You know, one of those ones that your parents send you off to so you’re not skulking around the house all summer. And this guy was… he was good looking and he was nice and… he made me feel like a normal teenager.”
“You were a normal teenager,” Asher reasoned.
“I didn’t feel normal!” Connor hisses. “Okay? At that age, everyone’s telling you you’re supposed to like boobs and girls, and there’s no handbook explaining how it works when you get the gay card. This guy, he… he was the first person who didn’t make me feel like a freak.”
“I’m sorry, dude.” Asher murmurs. “I didn’t know.”
Connor sighs and drops his head back against the wall behind him as the memories invade his senses. “He was just… really nice. He made me feel like I could be myself. And I kept making passes at him,” Connor chuckles softly. “I flirted… a lot. I probably looked like a dumb idiot. Everything I said was an innuendo and just… awful. And he never responded to it, he just brushed it off with a laugh, and we would joke about something else… I don’t know, I liked the attention, I guess. It felt good.” Even now, a decade later, he can still remember those weeks, the bounce in his step, the way his heart would jump at the mere sight of the guy–his camp counselor–and the yearning…
“Nothing happened until a few days before the camp was over,” Connor blinks as the memories play behind his eyes. Beside him, Asher doesn’t move a muscle. “We uh, we were alone… I was so nervous, I couldn’t stop shaking. I’m sure he noticed. And then… I kissed him. And at first, he pushed me away. He said that we couldn’t do this. But I kept trying, and… he finally gave in.” Connor shrugs his shoulders despondently as he gnaws his lower lip between his teeth. “Lost my virginity in a fucking shed.”
“Shit,” Asher whispers, because he doesn’t know what else to say to that.
“He wouldn’t look me in the eye afterwards,” Connor says softly. “And he barely spoke to me again. I think he was terrified he was going to get caught… that I would say something to someone and he would…” He lets his voice trail off to silence.
“Connor,” Asher says slowly, his uncertainly clear in his voice. “Did you want it?”
Connor furrows his brows and frowns. “I don’t know,” he answers honestly. “I think I did. I mean, every teenage guy is desperate to lose his virginity, right?”
“That’s messed up, dude.” Asher says with a shake of his head.
Connor scoffs and turns to the other man with a wry grin. “Come on, I was a hormonal teenager with a crush. I was… stupid and confused about my sexuality. Well, after him… I wasn’t confused anymore! If you think about it, he helped me!”
Asher raises an eyebrow. “He didn’t help you! He–” Asher bites his tongue and the word remains unspoken between them.
Connor’s grin slowly falls. His eyes are hard as they remain locked with Asher’s, until the other man finally looks away uncomfortably.
“Don’t do that,” Connor mutters under his breath.
“Do what?”
“Look at me like I’m a fucking victim. I don’t need your pity. I asked for it–I wanted it,” Connor clarifies. “So can we just not talk about this anymore?”
Slowly, hesitantly, Asher nods. He doesn’t bring up the fact that an eighteen year old was the adult in that situation, who should have kept his distance and not humored an impressionable kid. He doesn’t mention the fact that no matter which way you spin it, what happened is classified as statutory rape.
And in turn, Connor doesn’t disclose the panic he felt when he realized things were going way further than just a hot make out session in a shed. He doesn’t talk about how he froze on the spot, and didn’t know how to utter the word ‘no’. He’s not going to share how angry he felt about what happened, about the way he was treated afterwards–like he didn’t even matter.
Connor would rather just never talk about it again.
“I was seventeen when I lost my virginity,” Asher suddenly says. “My girlfriend at the time–ooh boy she was a looker!–we did it in my parents bed while they were away for the weekend. Because, you know, I was trying to make it romantic and stuff. But uh…” Asher frowns as he thinks back to it. “Yeah, I don’t think she enjoyed it very much. A bit of let down for her, I think…”
Connor snorts loudly. “Poor Michaela,” he teases. But he’s thankful for the change of subject.
“Hey, this was a long time ago,” Asher says loudly. “It was my first time! And not that you would know, but the human vagina is a much more complicated organ than what we’ve got going on,” Asher emphatically waves a finger between them. Speaking of, Asher looks around for Michaela, or any other familiar face really, and finds no one. “What are you doing out here anyway?” He suddenly asks, looking up and down the deserted hallway of the court house.
Connor shrugs. “Got no where else to be.”
Asher narrows his eyes and smirks. “Hey, you want to come over? We can pregame before Wes’s party.”
Connor makes a face of disgust. “You do realize just because you’re living in a dorm, you’re not actually an undergrad anymore, right? I can’t believe you just said those words to me.”
“Oh come on, it’ll be fun!” Asher goads. “We’ll do shots!”
Connor rolls his eyes. “You can do shots. I’m good.” Connor says as he carefully stands, wincing as his knees pop from sitting in the same position for too long.
“Wait, does that mean you’re willing to drive tonight?”
Connor shrugs as they walk out together. “Sure, why not?”
“Yes! Let’s do it! We’ve got a birthday boy to surprise!”