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that floor's really cold, isnt it ? maybe i shouldnt have abandoned myself to you so easily, hoping youd have a great use of the body im offering to your hands, come to me while im still in this state, vulnerable and malleable, before I harden again
i feel so bad, if only i could be strong, like, if you're deliberately making yourself weaker, you can still remain strong when you have to, but when you're just weak, cause its just like that, what can you even do, i can feel their thoughts, their disdain as i dare pretend to 'take their place', like i'm in a delusional thought of myself that is fake and THEY know it
and you could always respond that i could change if i wanted, but i know i cant, not because of my condition, just because its me, that one, the one i hate too much to even try, it requires so much energy anyway
and sometimes i feel like i can just put this energy anywhere else, cause i dont feel that bad about what i got, my brain's building that confidence about me being kind of superior and like super cool for a time so i dont have to think about it tbh, but it works partially, like, if its particularly strong, it'll take some days before ending up back where i started, in the state of feeling constantly inferior and humiliated by basically anything and anyone
it used to work, like, really, or at least a little bit better, but i learned through a lot of bad experiences that being too opened and like, that freaky friend that talks A LOT while being so detached from everything just brings, a LOT of bullying and harassement as well
but it wasn't like, the elementary school type of bullying, with slurs directly getting at your face, punches, those things; that i almost learned to enjoy as that basic internet traumatized bitch, and not 'almost' tbh
it was way more cruel, and the worst about it is that its completely MY fault, like, cant blame them; it was like a silent rejection, being isolated, hatefull glances, they were almost scared of me, even now, i dont know how i managed to wake up everyday and accept to genuinely get outside, and make them suffer from having to see that hideous, disgusting monster, i felt like every single one of my steps took place through a hall of shame, well im lying, i know why i was able to go to that hell everyday, cause im not in a family when you can talk about not wanting to go to school, like, you wont be listened to and will be trashed if you insist + there are already family issues in that house, i keep it for another trauma dump maybe
i felt genuinely so bad that i was like 'im so sorry you have to get polluted by the oxygen i breath, i promise that ive already tried to get rid of that problem' in my head, everyday
the years after these, i developed, or, i let outside a genuine desire of being sadistic with some people, and i had a talent to choose them right, imagine my level of ego and selflove at this state, now you can imagine theirs
but to be honest, i wont cry for them, they weren't innocent ones, i still experience those feelings today, its like i put in place a test when i meet someone : like, i genuinely get to learn about them, what they likes, what they have experienced, their passions, like, the things that really animate them; and then, when i find them truly interesting, i develop a sort of empathy, and come to really really like them and im really a loyal friend
otherwise, when they feel empty, like unanimated, without passion and without a sense of like 'fighting for themselves' that's where the sadistic envy begins, but, in a other hand, i still need to have a sort of affection for them, or it just become hate
when i can experience sadism, like really, i feel so great, in a way i couldn't explain, but its a super rare experiment, and its been quite a while since i managed to get to that point, i dont really choose, i have to be lucky
at the same time, its always particular cases, and that's where you start to have a little of empathy back for me ig, it can be people with weirdass opinions, like a 19yo i met that was a far far far far right freak (while being gay and trans ??), he was on drugs and i managed to make him spit out his hideous ideas, then his little guardian angel friend would come to me and threatening me because ive 'truly hurt him', it was a really great night, he turned out really fragile and lonely as i love them and i was just ragebaiting and rubbing salt in the wound, he didnt even fight back, just showing his pain in hopes i would get pitiful, stupid of him to think that wasnt exactly the reaction i craved for, or maybe he enjoyed that, who knows, hes into minors anyway bruh
but, tbh, its not always so 'justified', and i know there were times i acted bad, the rest of the time i just remain super shy and reserved and i appear kinda friendly cause, what else could i even be ?? as i said, im weak, i could never explore something else, and i hate that, i more and more hate to be seen as that cute little quirkie girly whatever
and i feel an incredible shame about writing all of these, but its also the first time im trying to explain it so deeply, and it may not come out in an other way than this really particuliar one, so, you can do whatever you want with that ig, i was just supposed to write a smut and fluff, anyway it starts to be really cringe and imma post that before i delete all of it causse i cant let it disappear and i never had a psychologist