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Witnessing the man he loved more than life itself suffer was one of the worst experiences of Shane's life. He had always hated feeling helpless, but this? This was something else. This was so painful he could barely put it in words.
The first time he experienced one of Ilya's nightmares first hand, they were in Ilya's house in Ottawa. Shane hadn't been able to be with Ilya for almost two weeks beforehand, and those two weeks had been torture. The two young hockey players had missed each other so much that they had face timed every free minute and had counted down the days to the weekend they would be able to spend together impatiently.
Shane had driven the two hours to Ottawa much too fast and when he had arrived at Ilya's place - with Ilya waiting for him with a freshly cooked meal for a much too late dinner - he hadn't been able to stop himself from ripping his boyfriend's clothes off right away. The sex they'd had on the living room floor had been amazing. Mind-blowing. Like always.
Two hours later, after a tasty meal (it was always so sweet to see how much Ilya enjoyed cooking for Shane) and a shared shower, they went to bed. While Ilya was already snoring softly next to him after a while, Shane was still awake. Sometimes, it took him quite a while to fall asleep because his brain wasn't allowing him to relax and settle down that easily. But that was okay. Shane just enjoyed how Ilya was curled up right next to him, his forehead touching Shane's upper arm. They were holding hands and Shane loved that; holding Ilya's hand while they were in bed often helped to ground him and made him feel safe. This was exactly where he was meant to be, this man was who he was meant to be with.
Shane hadn't even realized that he'd fallen asleep until Ilya suddenly started moving some time later. His fingers started twitching where they were laced together with Shane's, and that woke Shane up again. He hadn't been sleeping deeply and blinked his eyes open blearily. It was quite dark in Ilya's bedroom and Shane tried to see if his boyfriend was awake too. "Ilya?" he asked softly, quietly into the dark room, but there was no answer. Ilya's forehead was still pressed against Shane's arm, but now, Shane could feel that his boyfriend was trembling slightly. He frowned a little. That was new. Ilya usually never trembled while sleeping - most of the time, he was sleeping soundly when he was with Shane.
And then, there was a noise coming from Ilya that made Shane's chest feel too tight. Ilya was whimpering quietly. It sounded like he was crying, but trying to hold back the noises that seemed to escape his throat in short bursts of air. Shane had no idea what to do. He had read somewhere that people shouldn't be woken up from their dreams. Or was that only when they were sleepwalking? He wasn't sure and hesitated, so when he finally decided to wake Ilya up after all, Ilya's noises had stopped because it seemed he had woken up from his dream. Or rather, nightmare.
Shane blinked into the darkness as Ilya really carefully pulled his hand out of Shane's grasp and then shuffled away from him to sit up on his side of the bed. It seemed like he thought Shane was asleep because he was being really quiet. Or at least he tried to be. Because the fact that it was really quiet in the room made it obvious that he was crying. Shane could hear him sniffle and he also realized that Ilya's broad shoulders were shaking where he was sitting on the bed.
With his heart in his throat, Shane sat up as well what made Ilya flinch a little and then turn away from him. "Hey," Shane said softly and Ilya shook his head and wiped his face with the back of his right hand. "Go back to sleep, I just-" He sounded choked up and sat on the edge of the bed, his back turned to Shane. His voice was trembling and Shane swallowed thickly. "Ilya… I'm here", he then said, voice soft and careful. Shane could hear Ilya swallow audibly and then, he heard a quiet sob.
Really slowly, Shane shuffled closer to where his boyfriend was sitting on the edge of the bed. He gently brushed his hand over the small of Ilya's back and then leaned his head against Ilya's naked shoulder. Maybe Ilya didn't want to talk - he was struggling with his mental health for quite a while now, maybe even for all those years Shane had known him - and if that was the case, Shane just wanted to show him that he was there for him. That he wasn't alone.
He heard Ilya inhale and exhale a shuddering breath and then, Ilya wiped fresh tears off his cheeks. For several moments, all Shane could hear was Ilya crying, mumbling barely audible words in Russian. With his hand still really gently caressing the small of Ilya's back, he just waited and gave the man he loved time. Shane would stay with him like this forever if that would help Ilya to calm down. He'd do anything to be there for Ilya.
"I- I was dreaming of my mother", Ilya said after a while, his voice so timid Shane could barely hear it. Shane felt his heart clench in his chest and he turned his head to the side to press a soft kiss to Ilya's shoulder, to show him that he was listening. And Ilya kept on talking.
"It started a while ago and it was one of the reasons why- why I- therapy," Ilya explained and Shane nodded. Sometimes, when Ilya was really emotional, it was hard for him to speak English. Unfortunately, Shane's Russian wasn't good enough to understand full conversations yet.
"In my dreams, I always find her," Ilya kept on speaking and Shane felt himself tear up. The pain in Ilya's voice broke his heart into a thousand pieces. It sounded so raw and fresh, like the pain and the memories of finding his mother were still raw and fresh in Ilya's mind as well. And they most certainly were because Ilya had never had the chance to process his trauma. To heal. But he had attended therapy for the past few months and Shane really hoped that it would help Ilya. Of course, he had done some research on therapy and Shane had read somewhere, that often, opening up in therapy brought back the painful feelings before they hopefully could be worked through to heal.
"But you know what worst thing about my nightmares is?" Ilya asked a moment later, and his words came out in a sob that seemed to shake his whole body with it's sound. Ilya moved, he turned around to face Shane again, so Shane sat up as well. Even through his own, blurry vision, Shane could see that Ilya's face was wet with tears that were shimmering in the pale light of the moon that was barely illuminating the room.
"…what is it?" Shane asked, voice weak, and he felt his own tears fall when Ilya's face contorted into a grimace full of pain. The grief on his boyfriend's beautiful face was so obvious that it was hard for Shane to breathe.
Ilya closed his eyes what made even more tears fall and he said something in Russian. He said it so quickly that all Shane was able to pick up was "her voice". Ilya's eyes opened again and he smiled at Shane, but there was only sadness in that smile.
"I can't remember her voice anymore", Ilya whispered before he let his head hang as if he was ashamed of even saying those words out loud. More tears fell down his face and onto his shirt and Shane wrapped his arms around his boyfriend to pull him into a hug. "I forgot her voice," a sobbing Ilya cried while he clung to Shane's shirt. Shane was full on crying too now and he was rocking Ilya back and forth. Back and forth. "I'm so sorry, Ilya," Shane said, voice broken as well. His hands were caressing Ilya's back while he held him close and gave him time to grief the sound of his mother's voice. For how long they were sitting in the bed like this, Shane had no idea, but he didn't care. He'd sit with Ilya like this until the end of time.
"I'm sorry." Ilya's voice was so weak when he looked up at Shane after quite a while. There was still so much sadness in his beautiful eyes, but he also looked really, really tired. Shane immediately shook his head. He moved his hands so he could place them on Ilya's neck, his thumbs gently stroking his boyfriend's jawline.
"I love you," Shane spoke softly while he shook his head again. "I love you so much. And you never have to apologize to me for having feelings. I promise. Never. Okay?" Shane leaned in and kissed a few tears off Ilya's cheeks. Even covered in tears and marked by grief, Ilya's face was still the most beautiful face Shane had ever laid eyes on.
Ilya swallowed thickly - Shane could see his Adam's apple bob - and then, he nodded. He whispered a quiet "Thank you" that was followed by a soft "Я тебя люблю". To hear Ilya say "I love you" in Russian would never fail to touch his heart. It caused a soft and tender smile to appear on Shane's lips. He sank back down onto the bed and pulled Ilya with him. Ilya sighed and followed, placing his head on Shane's chest. Shane could feel him relax, fortunately, and after a few moments, Ilya seemed to fall back asleep, obviously incredibly exhausted now.
And while Shane was lying there in the dark, with his whole life in his arms, he swore that he would always be there to hold Ilya. No matter if he was crying or laughing, if he was happy or scared, if he was hurting or standing tall. Shane would never stop loving this beautiful, strong, complex, incredible man. Never.