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Kip is on his way back from his lecture. He's on the train when he sees a gay couple being affectionate with each other — simply holding hands and smiling at one another.
Kip is happy, he really is. Scott and he have been together for eight months now. They have been very careful too. Kip's dad still doesn't know he has a boyfriend. Kip had to sit him down and explain that on the nights he's out, he's not getting wasted or high — he's in good company with his friends. Elena has begrudgingly vouched for him. Every time he comes back from Scott's house to his own home, it's a mental clusterfuck, his own internal wall of shame. Sometimes he thinks his friends from the bar look at him distrustfully because he still won't tell them about his secret relationship. Elena thinks he's overthinking. She's the only one who knows all of it because she's just that goddamn smart.
The couple opposite him are still smiling sweetly at each other, one of them brushing the other's hand slowly with their thumb in a comforting gesture. Kip is so overwhelmed with emotion that his first whimper escapes him without him even realizing it. He swallows and turns his head away from them because he doesn't want to be that guy — the pathetic, broken one who can't see any couple without feeling self-pity. He vehemently convinces himself that that's not what this is. It's probably stress. Yeah, maybe that. With his master's program, a working student position at the museum, and being the secret boyfriend of a public figure, plus the assignments and the emotional load of lying to everyone he knows, he's leading a double — hell, a triple life. No, no, stop. It's just work and college stress. Yep. Scott and he have been doing this for eight months already. It should only get easier with time, right? And Scott had even told him they just had to continue like this until the end of the season, and they are already mid season. More importantly, he's happy. Kip has no doubt in his mind that he wants to spend the rest of his life loving Scott. Whether he is even part of Scott's life or not comes secondary.
Eventually, he gets his shit together, especially as his stop near Scott's house approaches. He knows Scott is already home from practice. He checks his reflection in the elevator. His eyes seem fine — a-okay, all good. If he goes quiet and Scott notices, he can just say it was a long lecture, which isn't a lie. What a champion he's become at lies, half-truths, and secrets.
He enters the penthouse. Scott is in the kitchen and seems to be making a peanut banana smoothie for him because Kip told Scott one time that he liked it. This is the kind of person he's in love with — someone who loves him in return. It doesn't matter if everyone, including Scott himself, thinks Scott is intense. He loves fully; that's what matters.
"Hey! Almost done," says Scott, turning toward him excitedly, but then he looks at Kip and slows down.
Kip looks worn out. Not in the way someone does after studying or working back-to-back for fourteen hours, but in that bone-deep exhausted kind of way. Scott rushes to his side by the door and hugs him. He draws back to look closely at Kip. Has he been crying?
"Kip, what happened? What's going on?" he asks desperately as he takes Kip's backpack and guides him to the couch. Scott tries to keep his cool and not spiral into a panic attack. Did someone hurt Kip?
"It's okay. I'm okay."
"But you weren't before, I guess? Please talk to me."
"It's nothing. It's stupid," he says, sounding frustrated with himself.
"Okay, maybe. But if it bothered you, we can still talk about it. I'm told it helps," Scott offers hopefully. He forces himself to come up with something more convincing or helpful. Maybe pushing Kip to talk about it would make it worse for him. Should he first make sure Kip feels comfortable and, more importantly, safe? Yes, that's the way.
"I'll get you some water. The smoothie, it's—"
"I saw a gay couple on the train," Kip blurts out and puts his face in his hands. He looks up and explains, "They seemed happy, just holding hands. It's not..." He struggles anxiously. "It's not... I don't want you to think I'm asking for that for us. I'm happy, really. It's just stress. Yes, I think I got overwhelmed."
Scott watches Kip's expression cycle through an array of emotions — frustration, heartache, sadness, determination, and finally resignation. The fact that Kip has to come up with a cover story because Scott and his life are both fucked up makes him want to scream. Or just get on his knees and beg for Kip's forgiveness for making him feel this way.
Scott had told Kip he couldn't come out right now. He had declared it like it was non-negotiable, and Kip had simply understood. Scott had seen Kip wear that longing look once in a while. It never clicked in his stupid, selfish brain that it affected Kip this deeply.
Scott does the only thing he can think of, which is to engulf Kip in a big, tight hug. He runs his hands up and down Kip's upper arms and back. It's as much to soothe himself as it is to soothe Kip. Yes, Scott is a mess most of the time, but he's also a captain. He knows how to show up for others, and he will show up for the one person who matters to him most.
"I know, love. I know what you mean. You want to love me without having to hide it. In a way, hiding it makes it feel like you're doing something wrong, doesn't it?" He knows this from too many years of hiding himself. He still does, but screw everything if Kip has to feel this way too. He's going to fix it, and he's going to fix it now.
"Yes, but we talked about this. I know you're doing so much to make this work. Please, Scott. I'm happy. I'm not complaining. I can wait six more months until playoffs to tell my circle. They're the ones who matter. I don't care if I have to lie to the whole world."
"But that's the thing, Kip — you shouldn't have to. You have given me so much, Kip. So has hockey. And it looks like it's time I buckle up and take a leap of faith. You shouldn't have to do this anymore, let alone for six more months."
Kip looks like he's trying not to cry again.
"You're already taking a leap, Scott. With me, with yourself, and soon with a few others. I don't want you rushing into this, please."
"Kip, trust me. This will be as much — if not more — for me as it is for you. I want to let go of my guard and love you fully, in every circumstance, not just behind closed doors. Please, let's figure this out. I want to come out publicly. The sooner, the better. I want you, Kip — always, every time, every place."
He looks into Kip's beautiful, wide eyes, and tears fall from them. But the smile Kip gives him tastes like salvation, like finding himself again.
"Me too, Scott. Me too. Thank you. And sorry, I didn't mean to... I love you so much, baby," he says as he plants kisses all over Scott's face, almost urgently.
And Scott, in full intense Scott Hunter fashion, responds, "I love you too, Kip. Always. Till there's nothing left of me. You have given me everything. Whatever I am is for you to have, take, keep, or discard."
"Keep. Always keep," says Kip, smiling widely.
"Thanks for keeping me then, Kip," Scott laughs as he pops the p.