Work Text:
Eleanor sits on the couch, watching re-runs of Britain's Next Top Model. Louis stands in the kitchen, pouring himself a glass a water. He contemplates the merits of joining her versus just going to sleep well before midnight. His moment of indecision is ruptured by the trill of his phone ringing from the bedroom.
Louis walks into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him, and grabs his phone from the bedside table. The name flashing across the screen reads Harry Styles. Louis steels himself and swipes his thumb across the screen to answer the call.
Hazza, why are you calling me right now? It's almost eleven.
Sorry. I dunno. I just...had to, I guess. Why are you whispering?
Why the fuck do you think? El's watching telly in the next room.
Oh. Right. Sorry. I could, um, call you another time if you'd like.
No, it's-- Fuck it, it's fine. I've, um. I've missed your voice quite a lot lately, if I'm honest.
Yeah?
'Course, babe. Uh. Haz. Harry.
Lou...
What's wrong, Harry? Are you... You're crying? Are you okay? Did Nick--
Nick didn't do anything. He...um.
Does he even know you're calling me?
No...
Harry.
Does Eleanor know you're on the phone with me?
Fair point. But Nick hates me. She...just doesn't like us talking. She doesn't actually hate you.
Dunno about that, Lou. What d'ya think she'd say if she knew it was me who was ringing you right now? Pretty sure she wouldn't be too keen on it.
I suppose. But you didn't answer my question. Why are you crying, Harry?
'Mnot crying.
Louis holds his phone away from his head for a moment to take a deep breath and let out a watery sigh. He hates hearing Harry cry, but he could recognize the sounds of it anywhere.
Love, we were together for almost two years. Two...really difficult years. I know what it sounds like when you're crying.
Yeah, I guess you do.
You gonna tell me what's wrong?
Nothing's wrong, Lou.
Harry, please. You can't lie to me. Just tell me what's happened.
I had a dream.
You... What dream?
Um, y'know. The dream. But...it was all wrong. Sort of. Um. I, I dunno.
Were we still the ones getting married?
Yeah. Sort of. That's why it was a bit...weird. Like, I'm about to say, 'I do,' and when I look back up, you're not there anymore.
What, I left?
No, you've turned into. Um. Eleanor, actually.
Your brain's got some fucked up sense of humor, Harry.
I know. So I'm marrying Eleanor, right? And I look out into the crowd. And. Um. You're, um...
Harry?
You're there, like. You're in the crowd with everyone else, sitting next to Nick, of all people. And, um, you're just sort of frowning at me. Like. Like, you're betrayed and just, like, disappointed in me.
I'm so...sorry, I guess. I feel like I've got to apologize on behalf of my dream-self. He seems like a right prick.
That's, uh, not it.
There was more?
Yeah, um. I blinked, right, and then everyone was gone. The whole crowd disappeared, even Eleanor was, like, gone, right? But you and Nick were still there. And like, I was still there, obviously, right, but like. You and... You, um, were fucking him over a pew. And I...um. I...
Jesus fucking Christ.
Yeah, and I, I couldn't fucking move Lou. I just. You were just there and I was just watching. And I think the worst part was that... It was, um, like, none of us were enjoying it? I was about to cry and I couldn't move. And you, you, like, were just staring at me with that same disappointment on your face. And Nick was just sort of, um, I dunno, there.
Fuck. Was that it? Are you...okay?
Yeah, I'm fine, I guess. I mean, no. Like, it was awful. I woke up crying and had to tell Nick I had a dream that Mum died. I couldn't fucking stop crying. So hard. And I just couldn't stop so I lied to my fucking boyfriend.
I'm sorry.
Fuck, Louis. It's not your fault. I just feel like shit for lying to him, but at the same time, I can't bring myself to feel bad about it when the dream was my own fucking fault in the first place since I can't seem to be able to stop thinking about you while I'm awake! So of course I had the fucking dream again!
Ha-
No, Lou. I'm stupid. I shouldn't be thinking about you anymore. I've got a perfectly wonderful boyfriend who loves me. Who stays with me even though he knows I don't quite love him back. That I can't even imagine saying the words 'I love you' to him. Or, fuck, to anyone else who isn't you.
You... You can't just say shit like that.
Why not? It's true, isn't it. Guess I was lying when I said I'd moved on.
Lou?
Me too.
You too, what?
I lied. I never got over you. Not properly anyway. I avoided talking about you and to you and tried to never even think about you, but that's not the same, is it.
Honest?
I've never been anything but honest with you, love. And...in the name of being honest, I dreamt of you last night as well.
You did?
Yeah. Although I s'pose nightmare might be more accurate. We were, um, making love, um. D'you remember that time at the bungalow? When it was so humid and fans weren't working, so we kept the patio doors open?
Of course. You really think I would forget that day?
No... So, um, it was that day. And right before I came...I, I dunno what happened really. It's a little blurry and I don't really...want to remember. But you somehow got away from me and started screaming. Screaming this blood-curdling thing and you wouldn't stop or couldn't stop, I dunno, and I didn't know what was wrong and I couldn't do anything, Harry; I was just watching you screaming. In pain from God only knows what and then you, you finally stopped screaming. You stopped...moving.
Fuck, Lou, I-
I woke up screaming, Harry. Screaming and sobbing and ridiculously, unbelievably hard. And I was alone. And I couldn't fucking- I couldn't even fucking call you because what the fuck was I going to say anyway? And it was the middle of the night and if Eleanor had...
Lou, you can always call me if you need me.
Fuck you, Harry. Just... Fuck. You think I don't know that? You think I don't know that you're still going to be here for me no matter what? But you fucking shouldn't be, alright? The band-
No! Now, fuck you. All you've ever done is blame this on the band. We couldn't stay together because of the band. The band was too stressed because of our relationship. Hiding it was too much work. Too hard. Not fucking worth what it was causing the band. Fuck. You. Louis. You know as well as I do that the band is shit right now. The band is barely holding it together. We have separate band meetings so you and I don't have to see one another. We record at separate times. Lou, what the fuck do you think is going to happen when we start touring again. Hell, at this point, who knows if we will tour again. Just fucking man up and tell me you were scared, Louis. Stop fucking blaming everyone else.
You're right.
About what?
Everything. I was scared of losing you. I didn't know how to be with you because I was always waiting for you to give up and leave me. So I said we were straining the band and left you before you could break my heart. Shame I broke it myself in the process.
You broke both our hearts, Lou.
I don't think I can do this anymore.
Talking to me?
Yeah.
I... Okay. I'll, um, let you go. You ought to get back to El-
No, that's not what I meant. I mean that I can't just talk to you. Not like this, like you're some dirty secret to be had. I want to see you, feel you again. Fuck, Harry. You weren't just my boyfriend, you were my best friend and I feel like I can't talk to anyone properly anymore. Not like I could talk to you.
So...what are you saying?
I don't really know yet. I want to figure this thing out with us, but I can't do it like this: whispering and hiding in my own bedroom. I need to see you.
El gonna be okay with that?
Probably not.
Are you going to tell her?
So, you'll meet me then?
Yeah, Lou. Definitely.
You gonna tell Nick?
Not yet, I don't think. I want to see where this thing between us is going first.
Yeah...me too. With El.
Thought you didn't want me to be your dirty little secret.
Harry...
No, it's okay. I get it. We won't tell anyone.
Okay.
I don't want to say, 'Goodbye.'
So don't.
Okay. I'll text you with details tomorrow.
Alright. 'Night, Lou.
Goodnight, Harry.
Louis puts his phone back on the nightstand and lies down. "Shit."