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Lately, such clear evenings in Düsseldorf often smelt like serenity. It was alike a miracle, after everything that had happened in the past years.
On a corner of a peaceful street, two peculiar men stood in the sea of golden light, pouring down from the entrance of a quiet bar. The man in the suit greeted the other.
"I am glad we are finally able to meet again, Mr Grimmer. I awaited this occasion."
"Likewise." Grimmer beamed. The man in the suit, namely inspector Lunge squinted his narrow eyes, but not with malice; just analysing and memorizing Grimmer's well-practiced expression. Maybe that's the closest Lunge can get to bring warmth into his calculating, grey gaze. Grimmer often found challenging to read the inspector's emotions; not the toughest nut to crack, but surely a curious one. Grimmer decided to engage in a friendly, unthreatening small talk. "Congratulations on your recovery. When I first saw you after Ruenheim, I was worried that I'll need to grab that beer by myself."
"Thank you," Lunge said politely, although he wasn't sure if he thanked the congratulation, or the worry. Either way, this exchange of words so far were no more than formalities. "Although you, Mr Grimmer, were way closer to a gruesome end than myself, and you still recovered 4 months before I did."
Grimmer kept on smiling and lifted up one, large and calloused hand to pat his torso twice. "This is made out of tough material, inspector."
Lunge took a second to weigh his next words, his stare unmoving from the other man's ragged, but somehow pleasant face. The inspector rarely felt the need to name his emotions, as they were far from being objective, but at this moment, he felt something remarkably overflowing. It was a surprising, but not an unwelcomed feeling, some kind of endearment towards the sandy haired man who was finally standing in front of him, intact and safe. Anyways, after facing death from so close in Ruenheim, Mr Lunge was set on at least trying not to miss out on these rare moments of warmth.
"You look well, Mr Grimmer."
"I feel well, Mr Lunge," he said, the corner of his smile shifting to adjust to the inspector's change in tone. Grimmer pondered about what emotion was implied here that he mirrored, but he concluded that it must be a relatively complicated one. He will decipher it later.
Then Lunge invited him in the bar and they settled down instinctively where they could get the best view of both the entrance and most of the tables. They ordered beer; the bartender was an aged, fair haired gentleman.
Grimmer raised his bottle cheerfully. Too cheerfully? He wasn't sure. This supposed to be a moment of triumph, or nostalgia? He did his best to combine these expressions. "On surviving Ruenheim!" he claimed finally, with the same calm friendliness he would announce the weather.
Lunge found himself entertained by the quirks of his companion, and that was a notable phenomenon. After all, Lunge knew, matter-of-factly, that he was rarely interested in other people. "On doctor Tenma," he added before toast. They both drank.
Grimmer sighed: that was a sound that could convey whatever feelings the other wanted to read into it. "Doctor Tenma... I haven't been able to catch him for more than a few minutes since I left the hospital. It's too bad, he promised me a picnic back then."
To the tall man's surprise, Lunge's interest was inmediately piqued, he even tilted his head just slightly. After a second of thinking, Lunge asked: "He stood you up?"
Grimmer looked taken aback, but for no more than a blink of an eye; a genuine expression for once. He likely wasn't aware of it, Lunge thought. Then a lenient smile pulled those ragged features together again. "I don't suppose so, Mr Lunge. Our good doctor has a lot going on lately. He is trying his best to be there for all of us, but he is hardly a free man yet."
"I don't doubt that, Mr Grimmer. I merely think that Dr Tenma is avoiding us for a reason." The inspector's voice carried a sly undertone that Grimmer didn't like.
He feigned an amused smirk and drank from his bottle. "Ahh, for a reason, you say? What could that be? Did you also have a difficult time meeting him?"
Lunge's eyes caught a strange spark. Grimmer have spent just enough time with the inspector to recognize it; this spark only ever appeared when he was working on something that interested him. And usually that something was Dr Tenma, or at least his legal case. Grimmer, without complete understanding, however, with an openness to amendment, named this spark "passion."
Lunge's hand started typing on his imaginary keyboard, his fingers slamming against the bartable with rapid thuds. Grimmer remembered not to stare. "There are several probable explanations, and likely more than one of them are correct."
"I am listening," Grimmer prompted with a patient smile.
Lunge's hand stopped its motion, and rested upon the table. "First one: the old habits of a lonely fugitive die hard, therefore Dr Tenma tries to solve all his problems by himself. In this scenario, he retreats into isolation because he is afraid of accepting help even from his friends. Second one: the culture that Dr Tenma grew up in is strict around the concept of failure. Now that the investigations are dragging on, all the details are laid out to the public eye. In this scenario, Dr Tenma is reluctant to reach out to us because of shame, and the wish of not to be seen as a burden." Lunge briefly stopped, indicating the importance of what he was about to say next. "The third one: the last several years greatly exhausted Dr Tenma, therefore currently, he withdraws from the excessive weight that caring for relationships means. This scenario assumes that Tenma suspects his own... importance... in some of his friends' eyes."
Grimmer focused so much on processing the inspector's analyzis that he forgot to make any face; his expression melted into a blank, unreadable state despite his inner turmoil. Lunge's words sounded logical, furthermore, they aligned with what Grimmer understood about people, and especially Dr Tenma. But does this mean he should have been worried about Tenma all along? Does this mean he should have missed the doctor? Did Lunge mention wether Tenma missed his friends... Missed him...? And if he does not, what should Grimmer think about that?
When the inspector started talking, the spark in his eyes promised Grimmer he will soon see more clearly, but now he was definitely more confused than he'd been before. He started to select key words of information, which was a practice that often helped his memory out when he was collecting material for his articles.
"Lonely fugitive", "afraid of accepting help", "failure", "shame", "burden"... These were certainly some dark words. Grimmer pictured Tenma sitting alone on the edge of a hotel bed with slouched shoulders and his breakfast on the nightstand untouched. "Does he even sleep well?", Grimmer wondered, not for the first time and definitely not for the last. The image of the quietly suffering doctor sent a chilling sensation down on Grimmer's back.
It was similar to the shadow of a cloud that suddenly covers the weak spring sun. This shadow was a familiar presence, but one that was quite unwelcomed in this situation; its dim embrace was ready to dull Grimmer's senses, erasing the whole world around him.
"Hey, hey, Steiner. There is no need to act up, my friend. No danger around here." Grimmer thought with a bitter taste in his mouth, and he reflexively started searching for memories of Dr Tenma after leaving Ruenheim. There wasn't plenty of those memories, but well... There were, for example, his precise hands, no longer so thin and bony, that used to examine Grimmer when he was bedridden... There was that soft laugh and the smell of detergent and the abscence of his stubble, and especially, his whole being held in Grimmer's arms – in a hug that Grimmer himself wasn't sure why he initiated.
He looked down at his right hand, sensing the shadowy presence retreat slowly. "There, there, Mr Steiner." Grimmer had to stop himself from nodding in satisfaction.
Of course, he had no way of really knowing if that darkness was the thing he called Steiner or not. However, he was already used to answering it this way and grounding himself just in case. Just for the sake of everyone around himself.
"Only if I was able to care about Tenma," Grimmer thought, still staring at his hand blankly. He doubted if he'd ever be capable of any kind of love. He believed that Tenma deserved affection and care and friends, and an especially vast amount of all those, but Grimmer also believed that he'd be unable to provide him any of that.
Wait.
What was the last possibility that Lunge listed?
"Tenma withdraws because he feels pressured by how important he is for some of his friends."
Grimmer suddenly realized he was supposed to answer the inspector something. Glancing up, he saw Lunge patiently waiting for his words to sink in with Grimmer.
So he put on his best smile and spoke the first, mildly humorous thing that came to his mind. "My, my, but inspector... Haven't you considered that doctor Tenma is simply avoiding you because you ruined his life for years?"
"We made up already." Lunge answered simply.
Well, it was mostly true. Lunge has been working on clearing Tenma's name ever since Johan was caught. After having his life saved by the doctor the second time, Lunge talked with Tenma, and made sure to really listen to him this time. Then he apolized as thouroughly as his exceptional memory just let him; by the end, the japanese man was so flustered that he begged Lunge to stop. Tenma swore that he had already forgave all the police upon learning about Johan's masterful ways of manipulation.
The inspector unintentionally stored way too many unsignificant details about that memory though. For example, the way the doctor's ears turned red out of emberrassement. Or the surprised angle of his eyebrows after Lunge bowed to him apologetically. And his pleading voice.
How his forgiveness both felt intoxicating, but also shallow, like pouring a glass of water into a bottomless well.
So, it's safe to say that they made up, moreover, they work together on proving Tenma's innocence. The only problem is that Lunge knows how his presence makes the doctor uneasy, and he does not blame him.
Lunge is aware of how his genuine attention is rather overwhelming for its subjects.
For a long time, he was just grateful that the doctor gave him a second chance, so despite his hungry curiousity that was constantly eating at him like acid, Lunge made sure not to push any boundaries. He was as delicate with Tenma as possible, and he constantly payed attention to the other man's gentle deeds in order to be able to imitate them.
"I am glad to hear that," said Grimmer, easily giving upon his weak joke. "So then let me ask: what did you mean by that last point of yours?"
Lunge has been ready to explain that since the start, but before he could have spoken up, a familiar face peaked in the door of the bar and both men turned towards the new guest.
"Is that you, Dr Gillen? What a pleasent surprise." Grimmer cheered.
"And what a strange choice of words," Lunge wondered. After all, Rudi Gillen looked just as melancholic, tired, and most of all, square, as he always did. There was nothing surprising and very little pleasent in his sight.
That being said, Lunge was more than glad for him showing up. With a gesture of his hand, he invited the blond man in. "Please join us if you have some time."
Gillen studied the duo across him with the piercing, indifferent eyes of a professional. His hesitation didn't last for a second, but it hadn't gone unnoticed by the two, spectecularly bright men who watched him.
Though, it was okay. They didn't take Gillen's cautious nature personally.
He walked over to them, closing the door behind himself mindfully. "Good evening, gentlemen," Gillen said as he shook hands with Lunge, then Grimmer. "I didn't intend to disturb you, I just noticed some familiar figures while walking down the street and I could not go by without saying my greetings."
"That was an excellent decision, Mr Gillen. Will you have a drink with us?" Lunge asked.
"I suppose I have nothing more urgent to do. Thank you for the invitation." Gillen sat down next to Lunge with a deep sigh. He shot a glance at the two bottles of beer in front of his companions, but he already knew it won't do for tonight. He ordered some whiskey.
"Long day?" Lunge asked him politely. Not because he found the choice of the psychologist weird, but because he was attentive of the different silences of the people around him. Well, at least when it mattered.
"Sort of."
"Where were you headed when you noticed us, if I may ask?"
Gillen already knew that he won't be able to avoid this question, even if he tried, and lying to the inspector was effectively useless. So he swallowed the hard pill and reluctantly, he explained.
"I was coming from a meet-up with doctor Tenma." Gillen finally got his glass, and he stirred the liquid in it, inmediately feeling Lunge's itching gaze on his skin.
"Oh! We have been just talking about our good doctor," Grimmer said with controlled cheerfulness. "Is he well?"
Gillen almost choked on his whiskey, which was most fortunate, considering the look of burning hate in his eyes that he wouldn't have been able to mask otherwise.
"He is getting better as the time passes" Gillen answered, trying to stay as vague as he could just be. This answer seemed to relax Grimmer's shoulders somehow, but it obviously won't be enough to ease the curiosity of inspector Lunge.
"How do you deem yourself worthy of even thinking about him," shouted one unreasonable voice within Gillen's mind that he desperately tried to silence, and he started to regret even joining the conversation.
"Was the reason of your meet-up successful?" Lunge asked, with attention so piercing that it could have pinned down a grown man by his limbs like a dead insect.
If the roles were a bit different, Gillen would look forward to tearing the inspector's psych into pieces and trapping them on a tape. It would definitely make a special trophy in his collection. However, Gillen feared that a good amount of the recording wouldn't be about Lunge's life, but about his obsession with Dr Tenma. Or any other suspect he had before, really.
Gillen's brows forrowed just slightly, but he forced himself to look away from the bottom of his glass. "I helped him gather some documents and... groceries, afterwards."
Lunge hummed. Gillen needn't say it out loud for him to know that the doctor only accepted some help to dodge all other support the psychologist most definitely offered him.
"Does this mean that Dr Tenma is eating well?" Grimmer asked with a perfectly presented, sad smirk. Gillen wondered why did Grimmer find it necessary to keep up his facade in their company, and he quickly arrived at the conclusion that it must be a matter of trust. A kind of trust that Tenma has already earned, of course.
Gillen's answer was no more than a tired grunt.
A strange kind of silence settled on the three strange men, a silence that was filled with unsaid thoughts about the same person they all held dear.
Gillen hated this, hated it with all his heart, and he especially hated how stupid his feelings were. If he was honest and stripped from his aching, unreasonable jealousy, he would admit he truly liked the two weirdo sitting beside him. What's more, he really did respect them. He would be thrilled to get to know and understand them deeper only if he didn't have to get through first the part of them that was in love with doctor Kenzo Tenma.
To his credit, Gillen tried to, he really tried. Both Mr Grimmer and Mr Lunge genuienly intrigued him and he wished only the best for them. Hell, he even wished for them to be part of Tenma's life, he swore to himself. He was just unable to see past their affections that were written all over them so painfully clearly that it made Gillen nauseous.
Every time the inspector's eyes lit up when Tenma's name was mentioned earned an upset turn in Gillen's stomach. The way Lunge hung on every word of the doctor, jumped on his feet for every request, so eager to please and help and stay on the good side of the subject of his interest... See, Gillen was walking in and out of the hearts of criminals who committed the most gruesome and brutal acts against other humans, he listened to them, day by day, without any sense of judgement – if he were to judge them, he wouldn't be able to understand them, after all. But he did judge Lunge. Moreover, Gillen considered him terribly pathetic.
Not saying that any of them were anything other than pathetic, though.
"Grimmer doesn't even have a clue that he is in love with someone," Gillen thought. But maybe that was for the best; at least the gentle giant was shielded from most of the pain that they all shared.
And Lunge? Lunge lost everything he'd previously been in Ruenheim. He doesn't allow himself to make any mistakes, and there is something offensively arrogant at that. He had failed only once as an inspector, namely at Dr Tenma's case, and that solely made him give up the job his whole identity was built around. Gillen knows that Lunge's resignation letter is already written, ready to be given to the BKA the very minute Tenma's legal case closes.
There is not much left from Lunge's past other than the doctor, and Lunge is focused on redifining himself by anything he can put his hands on. He is as meticulous, and diligent, and unfaltering, as always. In one hand, Gillen finds it fascinating how effectively can Lunge turn his grief into passion, but on the other hand... The psychologist's blood is boiling at the thought of anyone using Kenzo such ways...
Lunge was the one to break the silence. He did it with a cunning, almost smug smirk. "I believe it's time for us to make an act regarding doctor Tenma's recent behavior."
"Yeah? And what act do you suggest?" – Gillen asked back with unintended bitterness and mock. He surprised himself with his own tone.
"May I present my idea?" Lunge turned to Grimmer to make sure he was listening.
Grimmer nodded encouragingly.
"I think we should coerce Tenma into speaking with us openly," the inspector announced solemnly, like one would claim the solution for global hunger.
Gillen had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. This suggestion was so in character for inspector Lunge. Just a detective ready to do anything in order to get his answers and solve a problem.
Gillen remembered the first time Lunge asked him about doctor Tenma; it was the time they all desperately tried to prove Johan's existence and identity and Lunge didn't even heard what he had to say. Probably this negative first impression was what had left a bad taste in Gillen's mouth; he saw Lunge directly trying to bring harm on the doctor, and he was utterly helpless about it.
Or maybe the second time Lunge questioned him was even worse.
Even before his full recovery, he inspector wanted to know everything about Tenma from the time they were both university students. And there is no exaggeration in the word "everything." Daily schedules, friendships, relationships, favourite subjects, all that was possible to ask about an ex-student was asked by Lunge. And the most awful part was that Gillen knew the answer to almost every question.
Two decades later. After a whole marriage. Even though it hasn't been more than two years since Gillen could finally call Tenma his friend. It was so emberrassing, and especially after Gillen started to lie about how he cannot recall any more memories from that time... He can still see that damned knowing smirk of the inspector if he closes his eyes.
Lunge knew about Gillen's feelings, and he didn't even care. In the eyes of the inspector, when he is not another respected professional, Gillen is nothing else than a puzzle piece in Tenma's past. And he is not even wrong.
Meanwhile Tenma is so much more than that to the poor old Rudi Gillen, and it will likely stay like this for the end of times.
It's safe to say that Gillen did not like the idea of "open communication" on the side of Mr Lunge.
"Gentlemen, I know you are about to disagree with me, but I ask you to listen to my reasoning first," said Lunge before Gillen could open his mouth.
The psychologist just waved his hand wearily, while Grimmer simply nodded again, earnestly this time.
Lunge went on. "For more than two months now, I've been deliberately working on building enough trust with doctor Tenma that he would finally accept my help regarding anything else than my professional field. All my attempts were in vain. If this have only occured to me, I would have wrote it off as a personal failure, and I would not dare to push further, however, this case is more complicated than that. None of us, nor other friends were able to properly contact the doctor for a long time. No polite requests seem to help his voluntary isolation, which we all understand well as something that harms him. Therefore, I can see no other choice for us than to take the matter in our hands and confront Dr Tenma about it."
"You are right! Because it's such a brilliant idea to pester someone who clearly wants to avoid pressure!" Gillen snapped, his face already red from just listening to Lunge's ridiculous reasoning.
Suddenly, he felt the weight of a wide, soothing hand on his shoulder; Grimmer stretched his long arm behind Lunge's back to reach Gillen. This simple gesture threw him off completely.
Lunge tilted his head a bit to the left. "Dr Gillen, remember that you are talking about a friend, not a professional client."
"You don't get to lecture me, inspector," growled a nasty voice in Gillen's mind.
"You are right," he said instead, lowering his eyes in shame. There was nothing condescending in the inspector's voice, but even the implication made Gillen's skin crawl.
"But I agree with Dr Gillen," Grimmer claimed in a gentle voice one would use to enhance patience between arguing kids. "I am against the idea to force anything upon Dr Tenma that he wouldn't like to do."
"I understand your concerns," Lunge bowed his head. "If you have a better suggestion, please share with us. However, to my best knowledge, friends have the right to confront eachother when a communicational error occurs. Am I wrong, Dr Gillen?"
"No," Gillen pressed out through gritted teeth.
Lunge smiled, but it was a cold, thrilled smile; a speck of love for the game. "We all got avoided, dismissed, and stood up without any explanation."
"Stood up?" Gillen interrupted as he felt jealousy flare up within his chest.
"Yes," Lunge said simply, and left it at there. "So if there has been any miscommunication, it's time for us to take care of it."
"Let's see if I get it right," the psychologist pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to keep his wilder emotions in check. "Do you mean we should just simply talk with Tenma? Like we haven't tried to do that before? For months?"
"This time, it will be different."
"By what means, Mr Lunge?" Grimmer asked: a sad and meek expression.
"We will also do it for the sake of ourselves," Lunge announced, rising up on his feet. "I believe we deserve this much after not being properly rejected."
Blood flowed Gillen's face once again, and he was ready to rise from his chair as well. His voice was threateningly quiet. "Lunge, do you plan on taking revenge?"
Lunge's smile widened slightly. "Not at all. There is no need to worry, Dr Gillen. We'll just have a nice talk tonight, solve this mess, and help out the doctor at last."
"Tonight? All of us?" Grimmer marveled.
"Of course," the inspector nodded. "It's time to have your picnic."
After 10 minutes of more disagreement, Grimmer finally ordered a bottle of wine, and the strange trio got on their way on the dim-lit streets. They walked until they caught a cab, and they all got seated in the car.
Lunge informed the driver about their destination, then Grimmer (whose long legs were uncomfortably squeezed between the seats), engaged in a friendly, meaningless conversation with him.
That was good, because while he did that, he didn't have to think about how Tenma will react to them and what will Grimmer say to him afterwards. He also didn't have to think about all the implications that Lunge hidden between his lines, and about that silent understanding between the inspector and the psychologist that Grimmer was completely left out from. And about that sensation from the bottom of his throat to the pit of his stomach... The one that felt like a rope that knots itself, over and over, slowly pulling up that dark, shadowy presence from the place it rests.
Grimmer noticed that Dr Gillen was eyeing him uneasily. Grimmer shined a carefree grin at him, and asked another question from the driver in order to convince himself that there was no threat in sight.
The cab soon stopped in front of the apartament that Dr Tenma has been renting for half a year now. Lunge payed the driver, that burning spark never leaving his eyes.
Gillen shared his excitement, wether he liked it or not. Fortunately, that agonizing hate and jealousy and pain was finally numbed by the relief of taking measures; and as soon as Gillen was able to think clearly, he had to agree that the inspector's plan wasn't stupid.
Instead, another confusing feeling started to bloom in his heart: he didn't want to share his affections with the men beside him, but at the same time, he was glad that he didn't have to do this alone. Now, was their company humiliating, or comforting?
Gillen had no time to sort that out, though. He impulsively fixed his hair and collar with a trembling hand which then he raised to knock on the door.
But something stopped him. He looked back at inspector Lunge. "Shouldn't we have invited Eva with us...?" he whispered.
"No," Lunge answered quietly. "Miss Heinemann ruined her chance a decade ago. We, however, didn't even get a chance in the first place."
Gillen's eyes widened just slightly, then he clenched his fist and knocked.
There came long seconds of silence. The three men didn't look at eachother, even though they stood close around the entrance.
Then they heard the clinking of keys and the rumbling of the lock, and the door opened at last.
Tenma wore a white tanktop with striped pants and a pair of slippers, and his reading glasses hung in front of his chest on a chain. His hair, which had just started to grow long again, was slightly disheveled.
In brief, it was obvious that they interrupted him after he got comfortable at home.
"Mr Lunge?" The doctor's dark, gentle eyes glinted in confusion. "And Grimmer? And... Rudi? We've just met a few hours ago..."
Lunge did not let Tenma finish his obvious question. "Dr Tenma, we would like you to come with us."
"Wh-Why...?" Tenma raised his eyebrows, but this time, it was Grimmer who interrupted him.
"Say, Dr Tenma... Have you eaten dinner yet?" – Grimmer grinned, finding the doctor's confused look adorable.
"Not yet, but why is that...?"
"Then don't you think it's a beatiful night out for a picnic?" Grimmer asked, and Tenma just blinked, taken aback.
"Did you have any plans for this evening, Kenzo?" Gillen hurried to check, upon seeing the increasingly confused look on his friend's tender face.
"N-no, no." Tenma shook his head, resulting in a few strands of black hair falling into his eyes. "Is there something wrong?"
"There is, actually," said Lunge, who was enjoying this situation far too much; his little, predatory smirk would have been alarming to anyone who hadn't known him well. "We wanted to talk with you about it for a while now."
"Only speak for yourself..." Gillen muttered, which earned a challenging, but certainly entartained look from Lunge.
Anxiety visibly settled in Tenma's features, tensing up muscles on his bare shoulders. He was getting ready for the worst, whatever that would be.
He exhaled and stepped back to change his slippers to shoes, and that was when Grimmer noticed an untouched, white bag of groceries on the top of a cabinet. Probably the one that Gillen helped attaining.
"Dr Tenma, do you mind if I step in for a second?" he asked politely, his eyes almost shut in a friendly smile.
"Huh? Oh... of course not, feel free to..." Tenma mumbled, still lost in thought.
"Thank you." Grimmer only needed to put one foot behind the doorstep, he could already reach the white bag. As Tenma stood up and saw what his friend was doing, he freezed, like he was caught red-handed. He even stole an apologetic, or even frightened glance at Gillen. Which was a bad idea, because Rudi wasn't at all surprised, and that made Tenma's heart sink rapidly.
Grimmer looked into the bag, investigated its contents, then turned back to Tenma. "Is it okay if I make some sandwiches out of these?"
Tenma's cheeks turned a faint red colour out of emberrassement. And that earned a series of movement of Lunge's memorising fingers. "I would thank you, even."
Grimmer smiled in a practiced manner, then he reached for a coat from the hangers, and put it over the doctor's bare shoulders, towering over him just for a moment.
Gillen had to look away, down at his feet, then far into the road. An awful metallic taste flowed his mouth and he felt the need to spit it out. He gathered all his willpower to preveng himself from doing so.
"Please put this on, Dr Tenma," Grimmer said gently, then backed away, only to see a troubled expression on the other's face.
"Yes...!" Tenma's voice was weak and he stared at the floor with great intensity while he tucked his arms in his coat.
"I did something wrong," Grimmer thought. "I clearly overwhelmed him. Maybe I stepped too close, or I was just too direct." He would have asked Tenma about what exactly made him uncomfortable, but Grimmer already sensed Gillen's frustration growing behind him. "I can ask later. That's okay. Maybe it'll be even easier for him to answer when he has calmed down."
In a minute, they were all outside, and they crossed the road in order to reach the tiny park across the apartament.
Grimmer chose a spot to settle down under the light of a street lamp, then he pulled a sheet out of his duffel bag and spread it. Lunge sat down next to him, cross-legged.
Soon enough, cutlery got there on the top of the sheet, and the wine was opened. Tenma still stood a few meters away from them, bewildered and hesitant. He would have laughed about this scene in front of him, only if anxiety wasn't eating him alive already.
Gillen, whom Tenma hadn't even noticed coming up to him, pressed a glass of wine into his hand. "Won't you sit down with us?" Gillen asked, concerned.
"He doesn't have to if he doesn't feel like it," said Lunge with such calculating slyness that earned a barely conscious, threatening glare from Grimmer. Lunge stayed unbothered, his hands occupied with slicing up bread. "He didn't care to hold this picnic in a year, afterall."
"Inspector...!" Gillen warned him, but a gentle hand on his back stopped his temper; this time, Tenma's. Gillen swallowed all his anger in less then a second.
"He is right, Rudi." Tenma's presence completely changed. He was focused now, even determined; relieved to finally be able to understand the situation, but still suited for the worst.
This just confirmed what Gillen had previously thought: until now, Tenma feared they brought bad news about the twins.
But they did not. Gillen felt awful about scaring the doctor so unprompted.
"Then would you share with us the reason for that?" the inspector prompted him, patiently, with the distinct composure of the detective he was. "And the reason for why you've been avoiding all of us for months now?"
Dr Tenma sighed, so exhausted and defeated, and sat down next to Grimmer, across Lunge, pulling his knees against his chest. Gillen was the last one to join them.
The silence streched long, but it was curious, rather than expectant. Lunge just gave a bit of time for Tenma to think.
"Dr Tenma," Lunge spoke with an unexpected a drop of sympathy in his voice. It made Tenma look up inmediately; it sounded just like his apology back in Ruenheim. "You are allowed to dislike our company and even say so, and we are ought to respect that. But don't put us in this complicated situation. We are all concerned about you. You shouldn't simply disappear upon us."
Gillen was even more surprised by Lunge's words than how Tenma was. His fingers twitched towards the recorder in his pocket out of habit, but he stopped himself midway.
"I know I've hurt your feelings..." Tenma muttered, fixing his gaze on the plaid pattern of the sheet. Next to him, Grimmer chuckled darkly. "But I just tried to save you from even more hurt I'd cause.
Silence.
"But you can't, Kenzo. You just can't." Gillen's voice was trembling with emotions he didn't care to name yet.
"But after all the suffering I've seen..."
"People hurt eachother all the time, even unintentionally. It is a part of being alive, Kenzo. Noone can flee from this responsibility, not even a wonderful doctor like yourself." Gillen suddenly sounded more tired.
Tenma stayed quiet, his gaze fixed on one point.
Gillen sighed, as it took a bit of time for him to gather his thoughts. "It's like when we were small kids, and we were constantly falling and scraping our knees. We have learnt from it, and we fell less and less as we grew up. But even now it's not inevitable. You can still come across an unkown obstacle, and you may fail first in order to learn how to cross it.
Tenma glanced up at him, silently contemplating at his words before Gillen added, "But there is only one way to make sure you won't succeed: and that is if you don't even try."
Tenma felt a small, painful smile pull at his lips. "I know."
He really did know. If he had known anything in his whole life, it was that he must try. No matter how unlikely the success was.
That's why he tried so hard not to hurt anyone since Johan was captured.
Ever since Tenma was on the run, knee-deep in uncertainty, he constantly met people who were eager to care about him. Despite that, all Tenma did, every single time, was to leave them disappointed and worried. He had the goal in mind to save lives, but that wasn't enough to protect him from the guilt. This guilt accompanied him as the only real partner throughout those lonely years, and it wasn't only from saving a certain little boy once – it was also the guilt of consciously leaving all those kind people behind who needed Tenma.
Every time they asked him to stay, the doctor simply walked away. Ever since he left behind his patients in the Eisler Memorial Hospital, he was no longer somebody to count on. He even sent little Dieter off to Dr Reichwein in Munchen, even though the boy really had noone else to trust, to turn to.
To keep it short, Kenzo Tenma had many ghosts who haunted him; only a half of them were cold and dead. The rest still very much alive, they are all standing on the edge of the road, their eyes glued to the back of the doctor, and their pleading voice is fading away slowly.
Tenma would have hurt them by staying, obviously. Johan's men would have eventually found them and god knows what would have happened them all. But Tenma also hurt them by leaving, especially after the help they all offered so kindly.
That being said, at least he used to have a reason to move forward. Even if hurting them was inevitable, Tenma had the obvious goal in mind to stop Johan from causing even more suffering. It was a painful, but a responsible decision to make, and Tenma would bear it. This guilt, he would endure, so to atone for all the things he was unable to give.
In some sense, the times of need are always much simpler times than peace. Now Tenma did not have an excuse for isolating himself from the ones who cared about him, even though his presence was still harmful. The choice here was no longer obvious, and his guilt no longer fit in his wornout duffel bag.
People needed him, counted on him, and Tenma was simply not enough for all of that.
"It's just... I am not even sure how am I supposed to try. I've lost track of the next step. Whatever I'll choose to do, it will hurt you all." Tenma let out a breath that almost sounded like a chuckle. "It's weird to think that finally, I am at my wits end, after all that we've survived..."
Gillen's heart ached upon hearing the doctor's broken voice. "Have you thought about how any decision of yours would hurt us far less than how you torment yourself over it?"
Now, Tenma was baffled.
No, in fact he did not thought about this, but that's because he found this perspective irrelevant. He takes pain on himself gladly if it serves anybody else's well-being.
But hearing these words spoken so clearly... It did make Tenma question his own logic. If he was in Gillen's shoes, he'd also want to share this pain, instead of just letting someone delve into it alone.
Can a person be selfish by their own sacrifice?
Oh. Yeah. That's probably called martyrdom. The christians like it. Tenma is not christian, however.
This thought, and the emberrassment of the whole situation made him laugh a weak, airy laugh. The others eyed him confusedly.
"Maybe I forgot how it is to have friends," Tenma told them as an attempt of an explanation, but he was stuck right there. His thoughts and feelings no longer bore words, they just tangled together in an abstract mess.
But did he forget it, or did he never learn it in the first place? How many friends can he name from his whole life other than who were sitting beside him right now? He had collegues, and many acquintances, and even more patients. He also had Eva. But even if any of these were more than surface level, they weren't mutual connections. Tenma always made sure to either provide more than he recieved, or to keep a reasonable distance from the other person.
Especially after Eva broke up their engagement, Tenma couldn't trust anyone to get close to him. It felt like he should give his best to at least recieve others' minimum. Even if many held affections towards him, and he truly liked them back, he couldn't afford to get more involved, or else he'd had lost his capacity as a doctor. Or as a whole human being.
See, that was another obvious decision in a time of need. And it is made up of excuses once again.
"It's okay, doctor." Grimmer said, and his eyes were like a mirror of pain. He handed a finished sandwich over to Tenma, who accepted it gratefully. "As our good psychologist said, there is nothing wrong in learning it all over again."
Tenma suddenly felt his eyes stinging of premature tears, and he was dead set on not letting them fall in front of these men who were so concerned about him. Without any better idea, he bit into his sandwich in a hurry, hoping to distract himself and his own feelings.
It worked, for now.
"But I am afraid I don't fully grasp what you are saying," Grimmer continued on the same, soft tone. "What is this babble about harming us?"
Tenma coughed into the sleeve of his coat after he almost choked on his bite. He avoided Grimmer's gentle gaze at all cost.
"Well, uh... All of you have been doing so much for me lately..." In his great emberrassement, Tenma attempted circumlocution. "And I cannot return all this care. I-I don't even seem to be getting better at all. I burden you with all this worry, and you put so much work into helping me, even though I am unworthy of it all... I will give you nothing else than disappointment."
"That's nonsense," Gillen stated sternly. He felt the overwhelming urge to pull his friend into his arms, so much that he would probably had done it only if the others weren't around. A passing thought thanked the two men for preventing Gillen from acting foolishly. "We've never expected anything in return...!"
Grimmer nodded compassionately. "It's a bit of a stretch, doctor. One third of your audience isn't even capable of feeling disappointment."
Lunge, who's been silent from the moment Tenma sat down with them, now interrupted the rythm of the conversation. Three heads snapped towards him in unision. "I believe that doctor Tenma wanted to express his concern about not being able to reciprocate our romantic feelings."
The reactions about this single sentence's crudeness were priceless.
Gillen's eyes widened, and even in the yellow light of the streetlamp, the deep redness of his face was obvious, and it even crept down on his neck. Also, he definitely looked like he was about to strangle the inspector.
This was in great contrast with Grimmer's soft and polite "Oh?". On his long features, there was no trace of surprise, just a kind of intrigue about Lunge's intentions. His light eyes, however, seemed inhumanly empty as they were jumping from one face to another.
Meanwhile, the rise and fall of Tenma's chest became prominent, and he opened his mouth a short time before he actually managed to speak. "But-but that isn't because I wouldn't appriciate you very much! Mr Lunge, I already told you my reason...!"
"What reason?" Grimmer asked, too quickly to dress his indifferent tone in anything more refined.
Tenma hugged his knees closer with one hand, staring down intensely but registering nothing of it. "That I am graysexual."
He only glanced up to meet with Lunge's ever-attentive gaze before averting his eyes once again.
"What does that mean?" Gillen asked, forcing his voice to stay calm, despite feeling completely helpless and confused and desperate, and probably many things else at the same time.
The inspector took on the task of explaining it instead of Tenma, who just pressed his mouth shut, trying his hardest not to even get close to crying. "Graysexual, as a label, means that an individual experiences attraction infrequently, or at a low intensity, or in an ambiguous way."
Despite his best efforts, the seriousness of inspector Lunge's voice while explaining a queer term made Tenma grin. This was a minute of no smiling, and in such minutes, a human somehow cannot resist to smile. "This is very, very awkward."
"I see." That's all that Gillen managed to say. He felt emberrased about how he never before considered reading upon such labels. To be honest, in the past he was shaken enough by his own bisexuality that he didn't dare to look into it more; and years later, after he came to terms with the truth, he only researched what had directly affected him. Gillen had long ago accepted that Tenma was probably hetero – it was another thing that made him better than Gillen, in a sense. Now, this new information wasn't about to change anything for him. Accepting it, though, could mean the world for Kenzo. "Well, this description suits you, Kenzo. At least based on what you told me before, of course."
"It was a brave choice to tell us, doctor. Thank you," Grimmer beamed, and that earned a faint, shy smile from Tenma. "However, I doubt that any of us sitting here would be heterosexual. Am I wrong, Mr Lunge?"
"You aren't, Mr Grimmer. I am demisexual, to be precise."
"See? The things we can learn about eachother on a nice picnic like this!" Grimmer exclaimed, and that finally made Tenma laugh.
He laughed so much that the tears that he had been fighting finally rolled down on his cheeks, and there was no way of stopping them now. Soon enough, he was sobbing uncontrollably into his sleeve, and he felt ridiculous, unmanly, and worst of all, watched. He didn't even remember when was the last time cried, and now it just suddenly happened, and in such company, and in such a harmless situation...
"Kenzo..." Rudi's voice called out for him gently, and at the same time, Grimmer's large palm rested on his shoulder comfortingly. A hand, presumably the inspector's, manouvered a tissue between Tenma's fingers.
As the center of the attention, in such a miserable state, Tenma felt more emberrassed than ever before in his whole life. He had spent literal years in mortal danger, stranded in the middle of a sea of corpses, and he toughed it out. He could have been beaten and captured and humiliated and threatened, and he felt nothing but exhaustion throughout all that. Why was it any different now? Why did he broke down under zero pressure?
Between his sobs, he muttered, mostly unconsciously "I am sorry, I am sorry, I am so, so sorry..."
His friends' comforting words barely reached him; they melted into a static noise in the background.
He blew out his nose, and his trembling somehow stopped; he felt like he could cry for hours, but at this moment, he was glad he could hold onto a bit of control.
"There is nothing to apologize about," Tenma heard Gillen say, and the doctor shook his head, letting his dark hair fall into his eyes and shield him from curious gazes.
"There is..." Tenma talked with a weak voice, which was strangely not strained by his previous sobs. He spoke to everyone equally. "I've known about your feelings for a while now, and I did nothing about it. I left you in the dark. I wasn't strong enough to send you away, even though it's unfair that I cannot even give any of you a chance. You tried to take care of me, and I just used you. And on the top of that, after you finally came to talk with me, I break down crying like a child."
"Used us? Kenzo, please, accepting help, which you barely even did, and using somebody are not interchangable phrases."
"I agree with Dr Gillen," Lunge said on a low tone which was close to compassion in a way that you could only feel it in your bones. "You are putting weights on your shoulders that doesn't even exist, doctor."
"Also, crying is not that bad, Dr Tenma," Grimmer added cheerfully. "I have cried in front of you several times in the past. You can see this as an opportunity to make things fair." Then his voice became gentler. "You don't need to be strong all the time."
Tenma's tears started rolling down again in a new, more powerful wave than before. He inhaled through them, regulating his breath as much as he could. "I've just grown terrified of losing the people who got involved with me... – Tenma hesitated. "On that day, in Ruenheim, all of you could have died, simply because you knew me, and I told you about Johan. It would have been my fault. It was my fault that you got injured."
"Please, doctor Tenma, don't take the credit for our decisions," Grimmer corrected him with gentle humor, but Tenma payed little attention to it.
"Johan may be in a coma, but his minions are out here, in this very minute, and ready to strike everyone whom I care about. To think that I... I could lose you by rejecting you... that I may not be there the next time to tend to your wounds..."
"Okay, Kenzo, that's enough." Gillen reached out a hand to grab Tenma's shoulder firmly, making the other man instinctively look up at him. "I understand it, Kenzo. We all do. But none of us are helpless. And we all know better than to allow another Ruenheim. You are no longer alone to take the responsibility. We are here, and we are not going anywhere."
The doctor just listened silently, trying to blink away his tears, though it was no use.
"Doctor Tenma," Lunge called, and Tenma answered with a hum. "If you don't intend to break our friendship because of our feelings, you should tell us more often when your worries rise."
"And you should forget about compensating us in return," Grimmer added with his most usual, friendly smile, but a strange kind of strictness in his tone. "You have saved my, and inspector Lunge's life before. It's more than enough if you just hear us out if we have to ask you something."
Tenma nodded, not convinced yet, but almost comforted.
"And, Kenzo..." Gillen almost winced upon hearing his own voice, the sweetness and tenderness of it feeling strange and distant. He drew a breath before going on. "The soul works differently than how the body does. When the soul starts to heal, that hurts a lot more than to stagnate in a bad state. One must hit the rock bottom before 'feeling better' would even be an option."
"I second that," Grimmer smiled, and Tenma smiled back at them faintly.
So that's what he is experiencing lately? The rock bottom? Is that while he cried about nothing?
Not exactly. He cried because he felt safe.
Silence settled down on the plaid picnic sheet, only disturbed by the constant whizz of distant cars and sounds of the city. Each man of the four thought about things they might want to say before the night passes.
Tenma was the first to speak up, sheepishly, halfway turning to Grimmer. "I hope this is not rude, but I realized you haven't mentioned how you identify..."
"Oh," Grimmer seemed fazed for a second, then he pulled a squinty-eyed grin. "That's because I have never really given thought of it. The land of emotions is not my expertise, after all... But I can confidentally say that wether someone is a woman or man, it doesn't affect my attraction towards them."
"Ah, then you must be pan," Tenma determined with the delight someone would solve a puzzle with.
"Really?" Grimmer asked back with moderate amazement, and the doctor just nodded. "And do you know what else I am? Hungry."
And with that, Grimmer got a hold of one of the sandwiches, and the topic quickly changed to a more lighthearted one. Tenma soon enough found himself laughing easily, and to his awe, even eating hadn't seem like a task anymore. The wine tasted good and the evening was lukewarm.
He wasn't sure how much time has passed when suddenly, Gillen next to him started waving to someone from the other side of the road. When Tenma looked up, he saw the familiar figure, one that he couldn't confuse with anyone else even if he wanted to.
"Eva...?" Tenma frowned, and Lunge hummed. Apparentally, he has also seen Ms Heinemann enough times to recognize her perfectly from far away; though that ability was mostly used to discreetly avoid her in the office.
Gillen turned to Lunge, pointing a finger at the woman in the distance. "See that? I told you so," Gillen said with smug triumph, even though he wasn't even sure what is that he had "told so". That was alright, though, he earned what he was aiming for; an annoyed and challanging look from the inspector.
Ms Heinemann got to them in less than a minute.
Under the light of the street lamp, she seemed tired, and uncharacteristically demure. She was wearing a dark, skin-tight dress with a loose blazer and black stockings. She put a hand on her hip.
"Look at all these divorced, middle aged men playing schoolboys..." Her teasing had no sharpness in it; it was nothing more than a habit to keep up her reputation.
"Eva... What are you doing here so late at night?" Tenma's voice would have been scolding, if it wasn't completely buried under innumerable nuance.
"I would ask you the same, but my story would probably be a lot more boring in comparison to whetever you have going on," Eva said, then she started to rummage through her travelling bag. She pulled out a small, blue package. "I was coming from Dr Reichwein with the latest train, and I thought I'd leave this in front of your door. I didn't want to disturb you in the morning." Eva handed the package over to the doctor, who was still sitting in the grass. "It's from Dieter."
"Dieter..." Tenma repeated, examining the wrapping with sparkling eyes before carefully hiding it in his coat's pocket. "Thank you for coming all over just to give it to me."
Eva stared at him with such utter disgust that it must have only been a mask to hide her weakness for those kind, dark eyes. She quickly turned away for everyone's sake.
"Yeah, whatever. Inspector, hand me your drink!" Eva took some clickety-clack steps with her black high heels to hover over Lunge.
He, however, was completely unbothered, drinking his wine without even looking up. "Miss Heinemann, you have problems."
"All of us do, and I am still the only one who is in therapy for them," Eva claimed, and with a "goodnight", she left them just as quickly as she arrived.
Gillen was chivalrous enough to shout after her. "But Eva, shouldn't we call you a taxi?"
"Get lost, Rudi!" she shouted back, and it made Tenma chuckle dryly.
They stayed seated and chatted until Tenma's head, which rested on his knee, started to tip over as he was dozing off. Grimmer didn't like disturbing him when he looked so sound, but it was time for them to say goodnight.
Gillen walked Tenma back to his apartament, while Grimmer tidied up the remnants from the picnic, and Lunge called a cab.
The rest of the night was uneventful, and not worth mentioning; except the fact that it smelled like serenity.