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[AUDIO START]
…This is stupid. But I have to do this, can't leave this shit-hole if I don't… Fuck you, Alma. Even now, you still love making my life a living hell.
To think… If I just lied and wrote bullshit on that stupid psych eval like everybody else did… I wouldn't be doing this.
Now, I can't even keep my gear in my own fucking room anymore. Can't stay overnight anywhere other than HQ, either. Last time I tried, they blew up my comm looking for me, then put a tracker in it as a 'preventative measure'.
…It's just, it's not fair. God—Eywa— fuck, they're all hypocrites. Ha'tuey— Txe'kalin— A'tean— Sel— shit, even Tsaní— they're all worse than me. I know they are. The only difference is that they're just better at hiding it.
They all have skeletons in their closet.. Hah, Ha'tuey and A'tean, especially. And I'm sure they know that, but they still act like I'm, like I'm incapable just because I have a curfew.
It, uhm, reminds me of something. Me and Txe'kalin got into an argument the other day… It was mostly me doing the yelling, which I kind of regret now. I was just… I was just having a bad day, and then she did something stupid that made it all worse.
She just watched me yell at her. Didn't even react, too, just stood there all nice and calm until my throat got too sore to keep going. When I went quiet, she finally spoke up to ask me if I took my meds that night.
That snapped me out of it. I don't remember what happened later but—it just stuck with me. I know she… she didn't mean it like that, I think. But I, I don't know. It's always like that now—anytime I'm upset, people treat me like I'm some kind of case.
They think that if I just take my meds, and go to the appointments, and talk about my 'thoughts and feelings' in these logs—everything will be okay. But that's not true. Nothing will ever be okay.
After TAP… the RDA… I don't think I can get better. I'm not going to get better. I don't want to. I'm always going to be like this, like me, and that's… that's fine. It doesn't bother me. Is that weird? Probably. I just… You know what, fuck this. I'm just gonna start over—
[AUDIO END]