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“BAZOOKAAAAAA!!!!!”
“LUFFY!!!!!”
Usopp had just stepped out of the men’s quarters and onto the deck floating beneath the bedazzled night sky so he could water his pop greens when he heard two noises that had been ubiquitous since the Thousand Sunny was his beloved Going Merry — Luffy screaming something with great enthusiasm, and Nami screaming back at him with great exasperation.
The shouts were coming from the crow’s nest, so one wouldn’t even need Usopp’s brilliant deductive abilities to surmise what happened. Either Luffy had been on night watch and Nami was there to babysit for Luffy-related reasons, or Nami had been the one on watch and Luffy had taken it upon himself to stoke flames within a woman whose hair shared their shade.
Whatever the case, he had clearly taken over the room that also doubled as Zoro’s training space to try out some moves of his own with no regard for Nami’s presence, safety, or catastrophically terrifying temper. Usopp didn’t know which one of them to pity more.
As Usopp carefully rained water down onto his precious weapons…and his “stress reliever”...Luffy came hopping down from the crow’s nest minutes later. The leap didn’t surprise him, but the state of Luffy did have him curious. He looked no worse for wear, which that demonic timbre in Nami’s voice ordinarily wouldn’t have allowed. In fact, he seemed downright satisfied, tying his yellow sash around the waist of his jeans as he skipped back to the men’s quarters.
“Oh, ‘sup Usopp!” Luffy greeted with his hand on the door handle.
“Luffy, have you been tormenting our mercurial navigator?”
A shrug and that mischievous chuckle was Luffy’s response. “I wouldn’t call it that…”
Usopp rubbed the tip of his long nose and shook his head as Luffy went inside. Just great; sleep-deprivation already made Nami testier than normal, now she was definitely going to be in the type of foul mood that would leak onto everybody else. Good thing that other crop was coming along nicely…
Two days later, Usopp was sweeping the floor below the deck, his weekly habit of keeping the area nice and tidy before he went to his factory to construct weapons capable of bringing emperors to their knees — and even once made an ancient Pterodactyl learn the English language just to personally apologize to Usopp so he could receive his mercy, but that was a story reserved for legends, not, say a fan-written passage based on a famous comic book.
The task left Usopp just inches from the wall separating him from the storage closet, where a familiar sigh could be heard from the other side.
“...it’s just not something you yell,” said the strained voice of one Nami. Clearly in one of her moods, which…actually Usopp and the others had been spared of the day before. The preceding night evidently hadn’t upset Nami much at all; hell, Usopp would go as far as saying she was positively radiant that morning in particular. But he was a dignified sniper, not one to objectify his fellow crewmate no matter how smooth and glowy her perfect, porcelain skin looked…
“Especially if you’re gonna call them…” her voice trailed off into an impatient hiss.
“But Nami, how else am I gonna do them properly?!” whined the impossible-to-miss voice of Luffy.
“Like a normal person, that’s how!”
“But that’s lame! Any move that’s cool should have a title, and whoever’s gettin’ it should know exactly what’s hitting them!”
“Not when it’s that! It’s weird…” The squirm in Nami’s voice was evident.
Now, Usopp had many questions about why these two were in the storage closet in the middle of the day, but he couldn’t help but nod in solidarity with his captain. Clearly, they were debating the practicality of attack names — and Nami had some nerve even bringing it up considering she called her attacks, too. And from a weapon Usopp built, at that. Pfft, she was just jealous she couldn’t grace the Clima-Tact with the level of creativity worthy of its father and denouncing the activity altogether.
“Well, it’s weird for me not to! I put a lot of thought in those names, y’know!” Yeah, you tell ‘em, Captain!
“And I’m glad you have a creative outlet, Luffy-” Bullshit. “But think about how off-putting it is for me to be doing that and then here you go yelling, ‘Gum-Gum Jackhammer!’”
Gum-Gum Jackhammer? That’s a new one. It sounded awesome, though, and with Luffy’s rubber capabilities the insane visual exceeded even Usopp’s imagination.
“Okay, so no more Jackhammer.” Phooey. “But you know you liked the Battle Axe-”
“Luffy-”
“C’mon, I see it all on your face-”
“Shut. Up.” Nami’s voice sounded like a whisper through clenched teeth, but Usopp could swear he could hear a laugh in it, too. A pause followed, with some more giggles — bashful giggles, the kind Nami usually made when trying to seduce some poor sap —
Wait.
Of course.
Nami was so set on winning her argument she was turning up her feminine wiles…and on Luffy of all people. No shame.
Now sure, not even Luffy was able to resist the gravitational pull of her calcium cannons on Alabasta, to the point where Usopp had to follow him and ensure that Nami’s privacy would be respected even if it meant being an accidental witness, too. But when it came to Monkey D. Luffy, the only breasts changing his mind would have to come from a chicken.
“No, no,” Nami said like a mother dishing out discipline, clearly sensing the brilliance leaking out of Usopp’s mind, subconsciously following his lead, and revising her approach.
“Not even if I whisper it?”
“Especially not.”
“Fine, whatever!” Under his breath, he added, “...Boring.”
“Oh, I’ll show you boring, captain…” Nami warned in a low whisper.
Usopp tightened his grip around the broom handle, a nervous shudder overtaking him as he rushed up the ladder. The Straw Hats had a crisis on their hands: Nami had successfully gotten Luffy to renounce the venerated Code of Attack Names that he just made up two seconds ago. The ripple effect this could have on the crew was enormous.
When Usopp reached the deck of the Sunny, he started pacing, taking deep breaths to try steadying himself. First, he was gonna make sure he had plenty of rolling papers intact. Then, he would figure out a plan, maybe even stage an intervention, maybe —
“Usopp!”
The deep, gravelly voice startled Usopp into a face-first tumble. He looked up to the sight of a face with only one eye staring down on him. “Z-Zoro!”
The Swordsman, as surly and aloof as ever, watched Usopp with a…surly and aloof expression. “Your squeaking woke me up. What the hell’s got you running around like a crackhead?”
“Excuse you, pot — never mind, that’s not important!” Usopp hopped up and nudged Zoro to a secluded corner, lowering his voice. “Listen up, Zoro, we have a serious crisis brewing.”
“Everything’s a crisis to you.”
“Yes, but this is potentially a Red Level crisis! There’s no color on the spectrum more intense than that! It’s about Luffy…”
Zoro crossed his arms, still annoyed but lending some level of attention. “What about him?”
“I overheard him and Nami —”
A smirk cracked on Zoro’s face and he snickered. “Ohhhhh, that.”
“You know?!” Usopp asked. Zoro nodded affirmatively. Usopp’s eyes exploded. “Wait…Nami hasn’t gotten to you too, has she?!”
“What?!” Zoro shouted, bewildered and even disgusted. “That witch?! Hell no!”
Relieved, Usopp wiped off his forehead. “Phew, okay. I was about to say, because between you and me, your attack names are the best.”
Zoro’s one eye twitched. “Wait, what?”
“Like, I don’t know what the hell a Huhuva Spot Hunt is, but it sounds cool! And the various calibers of Phoenix? A true classic, right there!”
“Usopp…what exactly are you referring to?”
“Nami advising Luffy in combat strategy, right?” Usopp blinked rapidly, trying to follow along with wherever Zoro was going…which was a terrible idea, given it was Zoro.
Zoro squinted, then curled his brow in recognition a second later. “Oh, right, yeah. Battle strategy. Right.”
Usopp didn’t miss the distinct motion of Zoro’s tongue embedding itself into his cheek, but parked that thought. He looked behind, vision vaguely aimed at the mast that the storage unit dwelled below. “But she’s talking Luffy out of calling his attack names! And you and I both know how important it is not just as a warrior, but as a man, to assign an identity to each and every last one of your techniques.”
After stepping two paces away from Zoro, he closed his eyes, head aimed wondrously at the clouds as the spirit of romance overtook him. “A technique is an extension of one’s self, forged through hours of perseverance, diligence, and passion. It would be a disservice to let them roam with no identity of their own.”
A single tear fell down Usopp’s face.
“If Luffy can’t maintain his conviction on something as important to him as attack names, what’s next? His Straw Hat?” Usopp choked on his gasp. “...Meat?!”
“Right, right, yeah…” Zoro muttered, clearly too caught up in himself to feel the weight of Usopp’s sermon. With a chuckle, he added, “So, attack names, huh? That guy…”
Wiping away the tear, Usopp shot a glare. “Is this funny to you?”
“More than you know.”
“What I do know is Luffy is down so bad he needs Nami of all people to coach him on the art of combat!” Just in case she and her loan shark ears were tuned in, Usopp raised his hands. “Not to short her of course; if this was a matter of cartography, usury, extortion, sure, but fighting’s not her wheelhouse!”
He stopped to stroke his chin. “I do wonder why they were in a closet, though…”
“Well, that’s it right there,” Zoro replied, shrugging as his eyes trailed to the left. “Y’know, it’s embarrassing. Guy’s whole identity is fighting and he has to go to that dainty little cat burglar? I’d hide it, too, poor bastard.”
Zoro’s words were full of empathy, but his face was full of mirth. Usopp was most displeased. “Don’t laugh at Luffy’s plight, Zoro! He’s our captain! If his confidence is in the toilet what does that spell for the rest of us?!”
“It spells that we have to keep quiet.” Zoro’s face suddenly went serious. “Keep those squawks and shudders in your gut until Luffy…really, Nami, is ready to talk about it. Got it?”
Goddammit, that man was frightening when he got even a little bit stern. “Y-Yes, sir!”
“Good.” Zoro spun around and left, but under his breath, he laughed. “Luffy, you fuckin’ lunatic…”
With Zoro’s back turned (and his observation haki hopefully on standby), Usopp shook his head. Sure was rich of him to laugh at Luffy’s pain. How would he like it if Nami was teaching him how to read maps and compasses to fix his terrible sense of direction and it got out to everyone? Not very much, probably!
Usopp pulled out his notebook and pen and started devising potential solutions for Luffy’s plight. Battle psychologist? Ehh, he tried that himself, they don’t understand the magnitude of a true warrior’s plight. Knocking him into a coma to induce a vision quest that forces him to confront his inner demons and wake up a changed man? That actually sounded tempting…
“Hey, Usopp!”
Luffy’s greeting from behind him jolted Usopp so much, he dropped his book over the Sunny’s railing. Usopp fastened himself against the railing to jump after it before it fell out of reach, instinct blinding him to the open ocean below. Luckily, Luffy stretched his arm out to catch the book, but then that startled Usopp so much he did fall over the railing and into the ocean.
The suffocating blue fluid of the mother sea enveloped Usopp’s body, threatening to pull him down into a one-on-one meeting with Davy Jones, but his superhuman lung capacity gave him the energy to float his way upward. However, just as he was about to make his way back to fresh air, the wheels of fate dealt Usopp a lethal hand — a sea king the size of a small island was swimming right at him, enticed by his pungent masculine aroma.
A terrifying sight for most men, but Usopp looked him right in the eye. It was at that moment where something awakened within him, a powerful force born from his sheer willpower that stopped the Sea King dead in its tracks. Conqueror’s Haki. The vile beast fell in his long-nosed presence, and with the threat out of the way, Usopp gracefully swam his way out of the water and into Luffy’s outstretched hand to make his ascent back to the deck.
(Author’s Note: That is not what happened. Once underwater, Usopp held his breath and then a small blowfish puffed itself up and startled him. He screamed. Then he flopped around until Luffy’s outstretched hand appeared underwater and pulled him back up to the Sunny by his suspenders while he sobbed and dry heaved.)
After Usopp coughed the last bit of water out of his lungs, he looked up to see Luffy reading the notebook. “Usopp, why do you want to put me in a coma?”
“Ack, Luffy…” Usopp stammered, rising back up. “D-Don’t worry…”
Usopp shook the water off and looked at his captain, expression straightening. “Luffy,” he pat his hand on Luffy’s shoulder, “You’re my friend. And the strongest guy I know.”
Luffy lit up with a smile. “Whoa, thanks, man!” Though he did follow that up with a soft frown. “This isn’t ‘cause you thought you were gonna die down there or anything, right?”
“No, no…but I know. Believe me, I know what it feels like to be in your own head.”
“Whaddaya mean?”
Usopp shook his head. Luffy was nothing if not prideful. “Y’know what? Instead of that, how’d you like to join my little group? It’ll take the edge right off.”
All Luffy could do was tilt his head with an expression of utter perplexity.
“...Did you hit your head down there?”
“♪ I’m in love with Mary Jane…
She’s my main thing…
She makes me feel alright…
She makes my heart sing…♪ “
That was the song Brook sang with his violin in one hand, and a finely rolled joint containing the devil’s lettuce in the other. He took a puff and released a relaxed sigh shortly thereafter, leaning back atop one of the barrels encircling the soldier dock turntable.
“I tell you, it’s times like these where no longer having lungs is a blessing…”
He would then pass that joint off to his right, where it was retrieved by Luffy, a man whose eyes were already red and glazed over, smile (literally) dopey.
“Man, Usopp…” Luffy sluggishly muttered, staring at the joint twiddling in his fingers with awe. “Is this shit magic?”
“No magic necessary,” said the smooth, alto voice to his right, belonging to Nico Robin. “Straight from the Earth’s soil.”
With a nod, Luffy took another nice, long drag; one could practically see his mind floating deeper into space with each passing second. “Whooo! Fuck, I’m hungry, though.”
Robin absent-mindedly held out a plastic snack bag in offering, which Luffy happily dug his hands inside and retrieved a gaggle of chips that fell victim to his teeth, stray bits falling to the floor.
“...Cultivated by yours truly, Green-Thumb Usopp!” The long-nosed botanist/sniper/truthteller boastfully folded his arms…and coughed. “Screw the government, I’ve got the real Mariejois right here if ya know what I’m sayin’!”
“Whoa…I was wondering what that smell was.”
A certain orange-haired navigator climbed down from the latter alit with curiosity.
“Namiiiiii!” Luffy cheered, holding the joint in the air.
Nami hopped off the ladder and looked around the cramped soldier dock room with a baffled smile. “Since when did the Thousand Sunny become the Going Reefer?”
“‘Reefer?’” Usopp mocked. “Y’sure you’re not from Brook’s time, Nami?”
“In my time we called them doobies, actually,” Brook corrected.
“I’m just trying to wrap my head around this…” Nami pointed at Usopp. “You, I’m not surprised, because you desperately need a stress reliever.”
“Hey!” Sure, she was right, but…
“Brook? I mean, you’re a musician, it’d be easier to list what drugs you haven’t done.”
“♪ Guilty as chaaaaarrrrrrrrged! ♪”
“But Robin…” Nami turned to the archaeologist, the thought that she had started expiring the longer she examined her.
“Actually? When I really think about it, this makes complete sense.”
“Indeed,” Robin beamed.
And then Nami turned to the man in the Straw Hat with a gleam in her eye. “And Luffy. I never took you as a drug guy at all, but if you did do anything I figured you’d be the poster child for cocaine.”
After taking another puff, Luffy shrugged. “Eh, I tried coke once. Shanks and his crew had it lyin’ around. But it didn’t really do anything.”
Usopp wasn’t alone when his eyes ballooned at Luffy. “But wait, didn’t you say you haven’t seen Shanks since you were a kid?”
“Yeah.”
The other Straw Hats of the group exchanged astonished glances.
“That explains a lot,” Nami said.
“Hey, wait a minute…you’re not saying my dad did it, too, right?” Usopp asked, anxiety peeking out from the smoke.
Luffy smirked. “Hell, I saw him do it.”
Usopp squirmed with existential dread.
“Oh, relax!” Luffy said as he was about to take another puff, but then Usopp glared at him.
“Well I would if you stopped hogging the joint for yourself.” Usopp snapped his fingers. “C’mon, puff puff, pass!”
“What’s that mean?”
A hand suddenly sprouted from Luffy’s shoulder, snatched the joint from his hand, and passed it to its botanist, Robin.
“It means you’re fucking up the rotation,” Robin nonchalantly explained as she grabbed the joint, making the entire room erupt with laughter.
“Well it would be Mr. Munchies who would hog it,” Nami quipped. Luffy stuck his tongue out at her.
“Oh, I’ve got a lot to say to you, Ms. Straight & Narrow,” Usopp said, accusatory in his tone. “You’re the reason I’ve got Luffy here to begin with!”
“Hey now, I’ve dabbled in a little sticky icky, too!” Nami replied, which just made Usopp and Brook snort with laughter.
“Well then join us, navigator,” Robin invited, taking an impressively long drag.
Nami shrugged, and stepped forward. But rather than taking the open barrel next to Usopp, she went to Luffy’s and sat in a position that left her half on his leg, half on the wood. Huh. Odd. Usopp narrowed his eyes, wondering what angle Nami might be running. Asserting her dominance, perhaps?
“Making yourself comfortable, I see,” Robin said, passing the joint to Nami. As Nami took a drag, Usopp paid close attention to Luffy’s body language, and was surprised to see him grow even more relaxed.
With a cough, Nami jerked away and gawked at the joint in shock. “Damn, this is strong. You grow this stuff, or what?”
“Yup!”
“Surprised I’ve never smelled it next to my trees.” Like Luffy had earlier, Nami twiddled the joint in her fingers with a keen eye.
“Trust me, I bag them up as soon as they’re ready,” Usopp snickered. “Now could you please pass it? It’s been a while and you’ve broken the rotation!”
Nami halted Usopp with her finger, gazing deeply at the joint as if it had eyes and she was trying to beat it in a staring contest that had money wagered. “Y’know…I’m surprised you haven’t tried to sell this stuff…”
“Oh, brother,” Usopp groaned.
“I’m serious,” Nami replied as Luffy cackled next to her. Not even turning in his direction, Nami pinched his lips to silence him and kept her grip. “Get Franky to bag these suckers up, sell ‘em on every island we stop by.”
“It’s illegal in some places, y’know!”
“We’re illegal.”
Shit. She had him there.
“And also very persuasive.” Nami looked down at her chest…and then moved them. Them. Without even touching them. She laughed, and snorted, and coughed, Usopp wasn’t sure which one was more present than the other. Whatever the case was, he looked away. Well, kept one eye away, at least.
“Oh my…” Brook murmured.
“Niiiiiice,” Luffy, of all people, said. Eyes firmly on the…girls. Not Nami and Robin, just Nami. But the…girls. Yup, this weed was definitely on the stronger side.
“I don’t know about Usopp’s marijuana, but I’m sure you and Robin’s panties would make a killing! Perhaps I should give an appraisal —”
Nami tried to reach over and punch Brook, but slipped. Luffy caught her and broke her fall just in time. And his hand landed…there. A handful of milk, one could say.
“Uh-oooohhhh!” Luffy drawled like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar. Cookies. Something often dipped in…milk. And then it just lingered there. And then Nami looked at him…in a peculiar way. Not angry, like Brook’s comment made her. But peculiar.
“Alright, Nami, hand that thing over!” Usopp reached across, and Nami held it out in offering. However, just as Usopp was about to grasp it, she pulled back and took one last, long puff.
With more coughs and laughs, Nami handed it over. “See what I mean? You put this shit on the streets, and after I take my 60% cut, you’ll be making a killing!”
Usopp was about to take a puff, when the sentence caught up to him. “Sixty percent?! This is MY weed!”
“Co-founder share, plus distribution fee.”
“I haven’t even agreed to this hypothetical business and you’re already jerking me!”
A cloud of smoke rivaling Zeus escaped from Luffy’s mouth as he doubled over laughing.
“This is no laughing matter, Luffy!”
“You said, ‘jerking!’” Luffy mimed the motion just in case the picture wasn’t clear enough, and that’s what made the rest of the circle join in on the chuckles at Usopp’s expense.
“Hey Luffy,” Nami said, revving her voice up as she tapped him on the shoulder. When Luffy turned to her…she mimed the motion herself and laughed.
Usopp wasn’t sure whether to huff with indignation, commit what Nami was doing to memory, or drink brain bleach to purge said memory from his brain for the sake of an alibi.
“Fine, whatever, laugh it up,” Usopp said, finally taking a puff. But it just wasn't the same now that he was annoyed. “You know, this is so like you, Nami!”
“What’s so like me?” Nami asked with phony innocence. “I can’t jerk off!”
Luffy opened his mouth to say something, but Nami squeezed it shut again.
Now THAT was a picture Usopp needed to thoroughly flush. This was NOT Thriller Bark and she was NOT Namizo! After thoroughly shaking his head, Usopp refocused on the pertinent subject.
“You know what I mean! You’re swooping in and taking things over.”
“I do not!” Nami huffed.
“Yearh, yer der,” Luffy snickered even with his lips squeezed.
“Luffy-”
“He’s not wrong,” Robin chimed in. Nami gasped like she’d been shot in the chest.
“You did try to rewrite one of my lyrics the other day,” Brook added.
“Because the line was about my panties!”
“It was tasteful!”
Though Usopp doubted that, the spirit (sneak dead joke) was correct. “See? Like that! And then this whole attack name thing-”
Nami suddenly sobered up. “I beg your pardon?”
Usopp tried to exhale some calm into the air, but mostly smoke came out. “Look, I know you’ve been advising Luffy about his fighting techniques-”
While Nami twitched in confusion, Luffy slid away from her grip and laughed. “Fighting techniques? Nah, Usopp, she was talkin’ ‘bout when I-”
Nami squeezed Luffy’s lips so hard they turned purple in two seconds flat. “Um…yeah, of course! I’ve got tips for days!”
With solemn eyes, Usopp reached across. “Luffy, it’s okay. This is a safe space…or circle, or something. Whatever the case is, you can admit it. Y’know, there are some days where my shot is off!”
Luffy snapped his lips away again. “Oh, I can admit it? That Nami and I are-”
You guessed it. Squeezed by Nami again. “-Training! I know, crazy right? But sometimes you just gotta go outside the box. I am a very solid tactician, y’know!”
“Indeed,” Robin said, with that smile that was never not enigmatic. “In fact, from what I’ve heard these training sessions have been quite fruitful for the captain.”
Through clenched teeth and a twitching right eye, Nami replied, “I’m glad you can vouch for me, Robin.”
Usopp took another drag seeking the courage to speak his mind. “But see, here’s the thing, Nami. You claim to be a solid tactician, yet you fail to understand the value of a strong attack name. It’s how true warriors like myself and Luffy gather up our fighting spirit.”
“Hey!” Nami snapped. “I have attack names, too, y’know! It’s just, in certain situations-”
“But are they good attack names?”
Nami’s typically smooth composure wilted. “Wh-What?”
“I mean, c’mon, Nami. What’s the best that you have? ‘Thunderbolt Tempo?’” Usopp laughed belittlingly. “Oh, just name the literal thing and add some word that barely means anything, the pinnacle of creativity!”
Oh yeah, Nami’s foundation was crumbling now. “Hold on! My attack names are simple and practical!”
Luffy pulled away and gave her that annoying, mischievous smirk. “Ehh, I dunno, Nami. You’re smart, but you suck at naming things!”
The rest of the group laughed in agreement, while Nami slapped her hand over her hip with an indignant huff. “No, I don’t!”
“You tried to call me ‘Fluff!’”
The voice didn’t come from anybody visible inside the room. It came from somewhere else. That somewhere else was Nami’s cleavage.
With a scowl, Nami dug inside the um, very deep crevices and retrieved the Clima-Tact. “Are you going against me too, Zeus?!”
“I’m just saying, it was kind of lame,” Zeus replied.
“You’re a cloud, and you’re fluffy. So, I called you ‘Fluff!’”
“Oy vey…” Usopp muttered, shaking his head in second-hand embarrassment while Luffy, Brook and even Robin giggled on.
“Am I…am I really that bad?” Nami whimpered.
“Sucks to not be good at something for once, doesn’t it?” Usopp taunted. “Not even the precious navigator is above a good humbling.”
Now why did Usopp have to go and do that?
Nam scowled that scowl she scowls when she’s ready to destroy somebody both physically and psychologically. By the time Usopp started waving his hands and begging for mercy, she was already pointing the Clima-Zeus right at him. But she paused, sitting still while her face scrunched in concentration.
Whatever she was doing, it was giving Usopp the time to escape, and —
“WRATH OF ASTRAPE!” Nami shouted.
Usopp flinched and yelped — but nothing happened.
“Uh…what’s that?” Zeus asked.
“Lightning!”
Usopp jumped up at the sound of that word, but he could only stammer for so long. The cloud of Zeus poofed out and floated above Usopp’s head.
“Nami, wait! I’m sor-”
*KABOOM!*
A sharp bolt of lightning struck down and unleashed its fury directly onto Usopp’s head, electrifying him down to every cell until he was reduced to a smoldering mess sprawled on the wooden floor.
“How’s that for an attack name?” Nami boasted.
“Astrape? Very deep cut in the lightning goddess lineage,” Robin praised.
“Mmhmm,” Nami hummed, very proud of herself.
"I dunno what that is, but it sounds cool! Good job!" Luffy cheered, unknowingly echoing Usopp. Nami bashfully giggled and have his lips two more quick squeezes, affectionately this time.
“While I’m highly impressed by your expansion of nomenclature," Brook said, “You fried the joint, too!”
Though a charred, convulsing heap, Usopp wordlessly dug his quivering arm through the front pocket of his overalls and retrieved another joint that he held out for Brook.
“Excellent!” Brook said, happily grabbing the joint and lighting it up.
“Hey, Brook, pass that over here, too!” Zeus called.
“YOU’RE A CLOUD!” Everyone (excluding Usopp) shouted.
“That’s why it’s especially good for me!”
“You’re impossible,” Nami said, but with a smile.
As Zeus blissfully smoked his share, Luffy smirked up at Nami. “See, I told you nothing’s wrong with attack names!”
“I know that already, Luffy, but on the battlefield.”
“It’s kinda the same thing!”
“What?! It’s-” Nami froze, as if giving Luffy’s retort some serious consideration. “No! No, it’s not! I think.”
“What’s the same thing?” Brook asked.
“Yes, Nami, I’m curious, too. Do tell,” Robin added, decidedly appearing less curious than she said was.
“IT’S NOT IMPORTANT!”
Nami snatched the joint from Zeus’ mouth, shoved it into Luffy’s and squeezed his jaw to make him inhale it. Then she snatched it from his mouth to hers and took a long, long drag until she coughed.
“You assholes are gonna turn me into a pothead.”
“Luffy being a pig is one thing, but you four…”
Sanji stood with a shudder as Luffy, Usopp, Brook, Nami and even Robin sat at the dining room table indiscriminately grabbing food from every plate within their arms’ reach (or multiple arms, in Robin’s case) and stuffing them into their mouths. Nami even shoved some food into Luffy’s mouth. All of their eyes were pink and glazed over. Well, Brook’s would have been, if…you know.
“Nami-swan, Robin, my dear…what has gotten into you two?”
After swallowing a tangerine whole, Nami sluggishly pointed her finger at Usopp. “C-Captain Longnose’s Magic Cloud of Smoke!”
With a chuckle, Usopp pointed his thumb at himself. “He is I and I am him!”
“Usopp.” Sanji growled.
“Sanji?”
“You gave Monkey D. Luffy the munchies before dinner.”
Usopp turned to look at Luffy, who was in the middle of snatching an origami roll from a fascinated and unbothered Jinbei’s plate. “Well, when ya put it that way…”
Sanji leaned forward, waiting for an explanation.
“...Yup!”
Usopp was very amused.
“Awww, lighten up, Sanji,” Nami said with a mouth full of food.
“Yeah!” Brook added, pointing at the cigarette hanging from Sanji’s lips. “And at least what we smoked won’t give us cancer!”
“Hey!” Sanji barked.
“Awww, he’s jealous,” Nami purred.
Predictably, Sanji’s expression softened. “It’s not that, my sweet, but it’s just…” Helpless, he turned to the other lady of the crew. “Robin, I know your brain is too powerful to completely surrender to the weed. Please straighten these guys out!”
Robin looked Sanji up, looked Sanji down, and laughed. She mumbled something, and that’s when an arm sprouted from the center of Sanji’s pants. It opened its palm. A mouth was in its palm. The mouth said, “I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
As even the sober Straw Hats in the room guffawed, Sanji stumbled back in horror and only his expert footwork saved him from a fall into the stove. “OH GOD, THIS ISN’T AT ALL AS HOT AS IT WAS IN THAT DREAM!”
“What’s wrong? Too weird seeing somebody else’s hand down there?” Zoro quipped.
As Nami nudged Luffy and made the jerk-off motion with her hand again, Sanji leaped up and returned from the kitchen wielding a knife. “Maybe I oughta cut those leaves from your stupid head so they can smoke those instead!”
“Only one of us here knows how to cut, swirly boy,” Zoro threatened, clutching his three blades.
“The girls are fightiiiiiiing!” Nami sang.
Sanji’s fury for Zoro instantly washed into swooning affection for Nami. “Oh, Nami, you’re so cute when you’re under the influence of chemicals!”
“More creative, too,” Usopp added in between a bite of an eggroll. “She was tryin’ to make Luffy stop calling out his attack names ‘til my carefully cultivated cannabis expanded her mind!”
Zoro turned away from Sanji and looked at Nami instead, a smug smirk on his face. “She would have a thought or two about Luffy’s arsenal, wouldn’t she?”
“But Nami,” Franky began, “You already had attack names of your own, didn’t ya, sis? I mean, they were kinda lame, but you had them!”
Zoro’s grin spread. “Guess she just didn’t want Luffy here to have fun if she couldn’t.”
Nami, after pulling herself away from fried fish she’d been absent-mindedly gnawing at, rolled her eyes with a groan.
“Oh my God, I was not telling Luffy to stop yelling his moves when he’s fighting, I was telling him to stop doing it while he’s fucking me!”
What.
The jaws of six out of the ten Straw Hats collapsed. In Brook’s case, it detached from his skull. Sanji’s knife fell from his hands and his cigarette fell from his mouth.
Then Luffy gasped.
And then Nami gasped.
And then Nami cringed.
And then Nami…smiled and brought both of her hands to her chin.
“Oops!”
And then Nami laughed with a little bit of a shrug.
Sobriety crashed its way back to Usopp’s brain like a ship without its sails. “Wait…what?!”
Luffy and Nami just started laughing like they told the funniest joke in recorded history.
“That’s what that was?!”
Nami reached across the table and grabbed Usopp’s arm while pressing her other finger to her mouth. “Shhh, it’s supposed to be a secret.”
…
“Oh, wait.” She started laughing again. Like she wasn’t aware of how profoundly baffled most of her crew was. Or how vindicated Zoro and Robin appeared to be.
“N-Nami…” Sanji murmured, slumped over in misery. “This…this is just the weed talking, right? Right?”
Nami frowned with great sympathy and attempted to reach away from the table to soothe the chef. “Aww, Sanji, I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, I only ever saw you as a friend, anyway!”
All that did was make Sanji’s face twist like a knife was twisting in his back. “But…this?” His hand sullenly lifted to point at Luffy. “This dullard?”
Nami turned to Luffy and gently brushed her hand along his hair with the sweetest smile anybody at the table had ever seen on her face. Well, in a sincere manner, at least.
“Yes he’s dumb, but he’s really funny, and he’s really cute, and he’s really sweet, and he’s really cute, and his dick is REALLY big.”
Zoro’s beer spewed all the way into the window. Usopp fell out of his chair. Jinbei choked on his food. Chopper slapped his hooves over his eyes (he meant to cover his ears). Franky’s metal nose popped off of his face. Brook reattached his jaw to his skull just so it could fall off again. Sanji collapsed with foam spilling from his mouth. Robin’s eyes widened a little.
As for Luffy, he proudly folded his arms above his chest with a grin spanning from one ear to the other. “Yeah, it is!”
Zoro stood up and turned to the door. “Well I’d say that’s enough food for the evening, g’night everybody.”
He grabbed Chopper and marched his way out the galley.
“Hey!” Chopper shrieked. “I haven’t finished eating!”
“This dinner is no longer suitable for children,” Zoro said as he turned the doorknob.
“BUT I’M SEV-”
His words died into the void as Zoro exited and shut the door.
As Usopp attempted to rise back into his seat whilst purging a variety of disturbing images from his head, Luffy laughed at his apparent partner-in-fornication. “Damn, Nami, after all those times you got on me about spillin’ the beans!”
For her part, Nami just nonchalantly chowed down on an animal cracker, looking at nothing in particular. “Meh, shit happens.”
“Note-to-self: find less potent seeds,” Usopp murmured.
“And stop eavesdropping,” Nami added.
“I WAS SWEEPING THE FLOOR! While you two were…Oh God you two were in there to defile the sweet and innocent storage closet, weren’t you?!”
“Yup!” Luffy proudly replied while Nami lifted his hand and dotted it with kisses.
“So lemme get this straight…” Franky said, leaning in close as he snapped his nose back onto his face. “You two have been bumpin’ uglies.”
“Uh-huh,” the two bumpers of uglies answered in unison.
“And Luffy — you’re calling your moves on her like attack names?”
Luffy vigorously nodded. “Yup!”
“That’s so awesome, dude!” Franky gave Luffy a thunderous high-five.
“Awesome?!” Usopp screeched. “You think that’s awesome?! That’s so…that’s so weird. No wonder I thought you two were just talking battle strategy, my brain wouldn’t even let that be a thing!”
Jinbei just laughed that raspy laugh. “The funny thing is, Luffy here wouldn’t even be the first pirate I’ve sailed with to do that!”
“See, Nami?” Luffy said with a smirk, his voice a surprisingly smooth drawl thanks to the...influence. “I’m just doin’ it like a real pirate should...”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Nami said, putting his hand down. With a sigh, she set her elbow against the table and her head in her hand. “But y’know, I’ll give you one thing.”
“Yeah?”
“I do like the Battle Axe.”
Usopp could practically smell the imaginary blood spilling from his virgin ears. Yet at the same time he couldn’t take his eyes off Nami as she said that. Her smile was…oddly sweet. Warm, even.
“Told ya,” Luffy boasted with a fried shrimp halfway in his mouth.
“I dunno, it’s just the name…” Nami said, her tone softening. “Something about it. It makes me feel…nice.”
“♪ Battle Axe, oh Battle Axe, you’ve hit her heart’s…whole habitat…♪” Brook murmured.
Nami lifted her hand and brushed her thumb along the scar under Luffy’s eye. Her stare was still loopy, but filled with as much focus as she could muster.
“I love you, Luffy.”
Many gasps were had. A tsunami of emotions crashed into the dining room.
Luffy’s eyes dilated. “Whoooooooaaaaa. Really?”
Nami nodded and pulled him into a deep kiss, ignoring the shrimp that was still hanging from Luffy’s mouth, which he was still kinda chewing against her lips and getting crumbs everywhere.
Franky cried. Did that even need to be noted?
Amongst the coos, Sanji stood up, wiping the foam from his whimpering mouth and shaking his head as beauty & the buffoon demonstrated their love. "Oh God, it's real."
Usopp, though completely unsure why the hell a “Gum-Gum Battle Axe” would overwhelm Nami into a spontaneous declaration of love, nonetheless felt his heart warm. Even while Nami reached across the table mid-kiss to steal a cucumber from his plate. Even while Sanji sulked in a cry for help and attention. Despite how crazy they drove each other, the captain and navigator together felt like two pieces perfectly falling into place and attaching.
Still, though.
Attack names during sex??????
FIN