Archive of Our Own

Eren awoke in a gasp. He clutched at his chest, trying to ease the tightness he felt in his heart. His head spun and he scrunched his eyes as he grasped the sheets of his bed tightly.

Ever since Hanji had increased the frequency of their experiments, Eren had started to experience more and more nightmares. He dreamt of the total and utter loss of control he had felt while trapped within his titan form. He was forced to watch as his titan body acted on its own volition, ripping apart whatever came within it’s path, again and again every time he dared to close his eyes.

The worst nightmares were the ones where he remembered the mission in Trost. He does not remember much of the mission. Only hazy flashes of hallucinating his family, Armin speaking to him, and plugging the wall. The one moment he remembers with perfect clarity is the one he wishes he could forget.

He remembers Mikasa’s face as she pleads with him to regain control. He feels the horror all over again as he watches his arm swing towards her, barreling into his face where she once was. He can feel the bloodlust again, the urge to kill , and it makes his stomach turn.

She’s someone he cares for, someone who has always been there for him. And he threw his fists at her, trying to end her existence. Eren’s hands tug at his hair, as if he could expel these toxic memories from his head by force. The tugging only serves to increase the pain he feels. He doesn’t ease his grip. If anything, it tightens. He deserves to feel this pain.

His chest heaves with a silent sob as his thoughts become louder.

You tried to kill her. You’ll try again. This control you have over your titan form is merely a ruse. When you need control the most, you’ll find none.

Tears pool at the corner of his eyes, and a low whine escapes his mouth. Self-loathing fills his heart as he wishes he could just stay silent, grit his teeth, and bear this pain. More whimpers spill from his lips as tears begin to descend.

Eren then reaches his breaking point. This isn’t the first time he’s awoken to such an awful state of mind. He’s exhausted, physically and mentally. He feels as if he’s been worn down to nothing. He can take no more. No more transformations, no more experiments, no more fighting. In this moment, he’s willing to admit he needs something he hasn’t searched for since his mother died.

Eren needs comfort.

He pulls himself from the bed, stretching his legs as he steps towards the door of his room. He hesitates as he rests his hand on the doorknob. Eren convinces himself that it is okay to want this. It isn’t shameful to seek out comfort.

With that thought in mind, he opens his door and steps into the dark corridor. He tip toes along the dark wood floors, cringing as a loose panel creaks. He stops two doors later, and doesn’t hesitate before slowly turning the knob and pushing the door inward.

Two beds lay within the room. Eren ignores the left side, his eyes honing in on the bed to the right. He tiptoes over, cringing at the creak of the old, wooden floorboards.

Mikasa is curled on her side, one hand under her face, the other gripping the thin sheet. Her expression is soft as she sleeps, unaware of Eren’s presence. He takes the moment to fall to his knees beside her bed, and just watches her sleep.

She’s stayed by his side through the good and the bad. She may have been over bearing, but she never once stopped believing in him. Eren was sure that he never did anything in his life to deserve such kindness, but he does not question it. Not when it might risk her unwavering attention.

He rests his arms on her bed, and lays his head on his forearms. He continues to watch her sleep while slumped over her bed. His heart swells with a quiet peace, and after a short while, his eyes close. He can feel the content race through his veins. In her presence, he can rest. He can be weak for a moment, for she won’t judge him. She will be herself; the strong, stubborn, passionate girl he’s grown to care for.

A soft hand rests on his own. His head jolts up and he stares at Mikasa with surprise. She gives him a soft smile before speaking.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

He shakes his head, giving her a small smile.

“Come on,” she says, as she scoots over. Mikasa pats the bed and smiles back at Eren.

This makes Eren pause. They had shared beds as children, but never since joining the military. When they were younger, it was innocent, and neither had thought twice about it. But now… Eren notices things, and he’s not sure about the situation. He notices her soft, sleek hair, the curve to her hips underneath the sheet, the kind look in her eyes as she watches him. It all makes his heart thump.

He doesn’t deserve any of this.

Mikasa notices his hesitation, “Eren… It’s okay.”

He nods, turning his gaze away from hers as he slips beside her in the bed. Mikasa pulls the sheet to wrap around his waist, and she pulls him to her chest.

Eren’s heart begins to thump even wilder now that his face is so close to her chest. He doesn’t want to misinterpret the situation. This is Mikasa . He’s grown up with her, he’s trained alongside her… he’s in love with her. Her mere presence calms his soul.

With that thought, he clenches his eyes shut and brings his arms around her torso. He nuzzles his face above her chest, and squeezes her, allowing his emotions to overrule his rationality. For just this moment, he wants to feel at home. He wants to feel as if everything is okay. Here, with Mikasa… he can relax.

Mikasa senses that Eren is not mentally well. She can feel a slight tremor in body, one that he isn’t aware of. She can see the distraught look on his face. But when he returns her embrace, she feels at home. She rubs his back with one hand, and cradles the back of his head with the other.

She hesitates for a moment before pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

“I’m here for you, Eren,” she whispers.

Eren lifts his head to peer up at her. The look on her face is too much for him to bear. He breaks eye contact, and intertwines their legs while bringing his face back to her chest.

“Thank you, Mikasa.”