Chapter Text
The floor is hard as Lan Zhan’s knees slam down, as he reaches for the sides of the door, for anything he can get his hands on as the Jiang messenger’s words ring in his mind.
Lan Qiren had called Lan Zhan here, wanting to discuss how to progress with his training now that he didn’t have to watch over Wei Wuxian’s punishment in the library, now that he had time open in the afternoons. His uncle likely wanted him to continue on with his advanced education, with his guqin lessons, maybe even taking a teaching role among some of the younger disciples.
But all Lan Wangji could think of was the words that slipped out of the Jiang’s mouth, spoken with care, almost as if he was bracing himself for having to speak such words into the world again.
“It is with great sorrow that I must inform Lan-xiansheng and the Lan Clan of the passing of the Jiang’s Head Disciple, Wei Wuxian. The Madam of Lotus Pier felt it just to enact punishment onto Wei Wuxian for breaking the engagement between Jin Zixuan and Jiang Yanli and disgracing the Jiang Clan during the guest lectures. Unfortunately, Wei Wuxian did not survive the punishment.”
Lan Zhan didn’t hear anything else the Jiang disciple said, he couldn’t hear anything past the sound of his ears ringing, his blood pounding in his ears, muffling any shouts or calls out for him.
He felt something snap inside him, felt the way his body immediately felt cold, warm liquid seeping out of his nose, his eyes, trailing down the sides of his mouth as he fully fell forward, barely aware of the arms that caught him.
Something fundamentally was breaking within Lan Wangji, but he didn’t care.
How could he?
How could he care about anything else in this world when Wei Ying was dead?
How could Lan Zhan care about himself, his health, the way his core was a burning pit in his lower dantian, burning through everything it touched, how could he care when Wei Ying was dead?
Lan Zhan replayed every moment he spent with Wei Ying. Every laugh, smile, every time Wei Ying provoked him until he had no choice but to pin Wei Ying to the nearest flat surface and ravish him.
He and Wei Ying had gotten off on the wrong foot in the beginning, but it was during his punishment in the library that the two became close, that Lan Zhan felt his patience slipping, Wei Ying slipping through every single wall he had up until all Lan Zhan could do was give in.
It took time - secret meetings behind corners in the library and finding hidden spots around Cloud Recesses, nights that Wei Ying snuck out of the disciple dorms and spent the night in the Jingshi.
It took time for their love to blossom, but in the early morning hours, Wei Ying waking up early so he had time to slip away and act as if he wasn’t sleeping in Lan Wangji’s home, in the morning hours, the sun peaking over the horizon and coloring Wei Ying’s face, Lan Zhan couldn’t help but confess.
Lan Zhan couldn’t help but cup Wei Ying’s face and whisper that he loved him, that he wished they could have this for the rest of their lives, that he could wake up and Wei Ying was at his side every single morning. He spoke of nighthunts, of Wei Ying exploring the world with him, of adopting children and caring for each other, growing old with one another, cultivating together and exploring the broad world together.
He held Wei Ying’s face as a tear slipped down his face, as Wei Ying smiled so wide and threw himself into Lan Zhan’s arms, repeating the same confession into his ears as he held onto him, pressing his damp face into his neck.
It was a blissful week, both of them running on the high that they wanted to be together, that they were it for one another, that there was nothing in this world that could tear them apart, that could convince them that they didn’t belong together. Wei Ying kept looking at him and smiling, kept leaving him flowers at his desk and on the steps of the Jingshi.
They were the only two in on their little secret, it was theirs to keep, theirs to love.
Until Lan Zhan thought it would be a good idea to inform Lan Qiren of his intentions, of how he wished for Wei Ying to stay in Cloud Recesses after the lectures were over, that he wished to begin the proper courting procedures to ultimately end up marrying Wei Ying.
Lan Qiren dismissed him outright, borderline almost yelling at him that surely Wei Wuxian couldn’t have convinced him this was a good prank, that Wei Wuxian would ever be worthy enough of marrying the heir to the Lan Clan, someone so much higher in rank than Wei Wuxian could ever be, someone actually born within the gentry clans, someone who was expected to do great in life.
Unlike Wei Wuxian, born to a whimsical, arrogant woman and her servant husband.
Who knows when Wei Wuxian would get tired of Lan Wangji? They all knew how much he flirted with women, how he broke hearts wherever he went. He was a flight risk, someone that Lan Qiren only allowed into the lectures because Jiang Fengmian insisted that Wei Wuxian accompany Jiang Wanyin, that his primary task was to keep his Clan Heir safe.
Wei Ying knew that Lan Zhan hadn’t gotten a good answer when he returned to the Jingshi, when he returned with a look on his face that screamed he wanted nothing more than to punch the closest thing to him, to vent out his anger and frustration onto something other than the source of his anger.
Wei Ying held him as Lan Zhan finally let his angry tears slide down his face, at the thought that Lan Qiren thought such vile things about Wei Ying, that he didn’t even know Wei Ying and was making such assumptions about him based on rumors and speculation.
Lan Zhan held Wei Ying close every moment after. He felt Lan Qiren’s eyes on him when they would leave the classroom together, when they would be spotted in the library together.
He never said anything, never prevented them from interacting, but Lan Zhan knew Lan Qiren was just waiting for a moment to look and point at Wei Wuxian and say I told you so.
And that moment came when Wei Ying punched Jin Zixuan, when Jiang Fengmian and Jin Guangshan came to Cloud Recesses, when they had to deal with the actions of their disciples.
Lan Zhan tried, he tried convincing Lan Qiren that kicking Wei Ying out of the lectures was wrong, that Wei Ying had only acted the way he did because his Shijie was being insulted, that Jin Zixuan was insulting his fiance. He kept trying to tell Lan Qiren that it was justified, that Jin Zixuan punched back and he was getting off with a slap of the wrist, he wasn’t even getting assigned a punishment, he was getting away with his actions because he was the son of a Clan Leader, because his father was Jin Guangshan.
Lan Qiren actually shouted at him. He told him that Wei Wuxian was a toxic influence on him and the serenity of Cloud Recesses and Lan Wangji’s adamant defense of him only proved it. Lan Qiren refused to see reason, to see any reason that Wei Wuxian would’ve physically attacked another person.
“Words do not cause violence Wangji! Wei Wuxian’s choice to move to violence only shows he is just as reckless and unstable as his mother!”
Lan Zhan found himself shutting down after that, unable to come up with any other reason to defend Wei Ying that Lan Qiren would take as reasonable - that he would see as a logical reason, and not something Wei Ying had placed in his mind, manipulating him and his brain into defending Wei Ying at whatever cost.
Wei Ying turned back as Jiang Fengmian guided him towards the entrance of Cloud Recesses, their eyes meeting, both wet and watery.
Wei Ying had snuck into the Jingshi earlier that morning, before Jiang Fengmian had shown up at his rooms and told him he was going back to Lotus Pier - but they both already knew Wei Ying would be kicked out.
“I’m sorry.” Wei Ying whispered, tears sliding down his face, unable to look up and meet Lan Zhan’s gaze. “I’m sorry I’m such an idiot and punched him. I never meant to get kicked out, I never meant to cause this, I don’t want to leave you.”
Lan Zhan understood his actions, he understood why Wei Ying was defending Jiang Yanli, but part of him still wished Wei Ying had thought more about his actions before he moved, before his fist met Jin Zixuan’s face, before his actions would be used to tear them apart.
“I know.” Lan Zhan managed to whisper back, reaching over and grabbing Wei Ying’s hand, squeezing it a single time.
“You should go,” He forced out, flinching at the way Wei Ying jumped, “Clan Leader Jiang is likely looking for you, you shouldn’t get caught here and get in any more trouble.”
Wei Ying nodded, taking a small step back, not letting go of Lan Zhan’s hand.
“Lan Zhan?” His voice was small as he spoke.
“Mn?”
Wei Ying looked up at him, tears flowing down his face as he tried to keep himself together, keep the way he wanted to sob and scream that this wasn’t fair inside himself.
“Can you kiss me one last time?”
Lan Zhan nodded, reaching over and cupping Wei Ying’s face, bringing him closer, their eyes open until their lips met, closing as they both let some of their tears go, as they felt the wetness and warmth on their cheeks of their combined tears.
He pulled back, resting their foreheads together as Wei Ying let out a sob, gripping Lan Zhan’s robes as if that would be able to tether him to Cloud Recesses, as if it could keep him here, in Lan Zhan’s home, in Lan Zhan’s arms.
Lan Zhan watched him leave, watched as Jiang Fengmian put a hand on his shoulder and guided him down the stairs until Lan Zhan couldn’t see him anymore, forcing himself to turn around and go back to the Jingshi, a tear sliding down his face.
Lan Wangji fell to his knees, a single thought repeating in his mind as he felt his body shattering.
Wei Ying was dead.
Wei Ying was dead.
Wei Ying was dead.
Wei Ying was dead and it was his fault.
Lan Zhan didn’t do enough to keep him in Cloud Recesses. He didn’t do enough to try and convince Lan Qiren that Wei Ying didn’t deserve to get kicked out, to convince Lan Qiren to actually hear Wei Ying out and listen to the entire situation before pointing to Wei Wuxian as the instigator who attacked without provocation, who attacked a Clan Heir without reason.
He didn’t try enough, he didn’t keep Wei Ying safe.
They could’ve ran away together.
Lan Zhan could’ve taken Wei Ying and ran, left together the moment Lan Qiren denied him the chance for a courtship, ignoring his statements that Wei Ying was good. They should’ve left, they could’ve left.
If they left, Wei Ying would still be alive, they would be together, they would be happy.
Wei Ying would still be alive.
There was a burning in his chest, his heart felt like it was on fire, like it was breaking and ripping apart - but none of that compared to the ache and pain of blaming himself, of Wei Ying being dead, no longer in the world.
How long had he been dead? Had Lan Wangji gone to sleep the past week and Wei Ying had been dead the whole week? Was he killed last night? The night before? Did it hurt? Was he in pain? Did he blame Lan Zhan for not fighting hard enough for him? For them?
There were arms around him, someone was carrying him and screaming.
He thought it might’ve been his brother, a voice in his ear telling him that everything was going to be okay, that that could fix this, that Lan Zhan would be okay.
Okay? How could anything be okay?
Wei Ying was dead and it was his fault.
Lan Zhan felt his eyes slipping shut as he was laid down onto a cot, likely, he thought, they had taken him into the infirmary, hoping that the healers could fix his broken heart, the way his core shattered at the statement that his beloved, his zhiji, was no longer in this world.
Even his core didn’t want to live in a world where Wei Ying wasn’t in it.
It wasn’t painful, to slip away, to feel himself leaving his body and heading towards the warmth he could feel reaching out to him, begging for him to come closer, to join them.
Some part of him, he supposed, should’ve felt bad for leaving everyone behind, for throwing such pain and suffering onto his brother and uncle - this would be hard for them, but living without Wei Ying would be harder.
The warmth fully engulfed him, arms wrapping around him, a face tucked into his neck as tears fell down his face.
He knew this warmth, Lan Zhan knew who was hugging him - and that only made him hold on tighter, made his tears fall faster, made the words and apologies spill out of him so fast he couldn’t keep up.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Lan Zhan got out in between breaths, holding onto Wei Ying, “I didn’t do enough and-”
He was cut off by lips on his, tears spilling down both of their faces just like the last time they saw each other, the last time they were able to be this close - not knowing that would’ve been the last time they would’ve seen each other, held each other.
“I was so stupid,” Wei Ying got out between sobs, holding Lan Zhan’s face in his hands, “I never should’ve acted so rash, so stupidly. I knew I was walking a thin line, I knew your uncle was looking for any reason to kick me out and I just gave it to him on a silver platter!”
Wei Ying was just as beautiful as he was the last time they saw each other, the last time Lan Zhan got to hold him in his arms.
Lan Zhan pressed their foreheads together, their bodies pressed together as if trying to fuse into one single being, combine their fates together so they could never be parted.
Where Wei Ying went, Lan Zhan would follow.
Lan Zhan held their clasped hands together, pressing them between them, resting just above their still hearts, both of them no longer among the world of the living, spirits floating between the realms - waiting for moving on into enlightenment or into reincarnation.
“Never again,” He whispered, a tear sliding down his face as a glow wrapped around them. “Never again will we be parted from each other. Never again will we be ripped apart, killed by those who were supposed to care for us, who were supposed to be providers, not executioners.”
Wei Ying smiled as the glow tied condensed, tying around their hands and leaving behind a golden cord connecting their very beings to one another.
He looked up, his wet gaze meeting Lan Zhan’s.
“Never again.” he whispered, grabbing Lan Zhan’s hand and pulling them away, towards the light, towards a new destination, a new future that would never take them apart again.
Lan Zhan smiled at Wei Ying as the light swallowed them, as their hands slipped apart, neither of them panicking, knowing that they would see each other again, that this time, no one would control them.
They would be happy, they would be able to love each other without anyone telling them otherwise - without adults who thought they knew better dictating their moves, who they were allowed to associate with.
Never again would Madam Yu be able to harm Wei Ying.
Never again would Lan Qiren dismiss Lan Zhan’s judgement.
Never again would they be parted, forced to exist in a world where the other wasn’t there, taken from them.
Never again.