Archive of Our Own

Sinuiju, 2006

“Koutarou, come back! It's getting dark and we still need to have dinner!” 

The lights are nice to look at. When the sun sets in Sinuiju and everything quietens down, Koutarou sits down on the riverbank and looks in front of him. It's nice, to gaze at the buildings from the other side. They make his mind wander far away and conjure up images and stories that might just be true. 

“Hey, are you even listening to me?” his elder sister, Rino, asks, raising her tone. Koutarou hears her running closer to him, until she pokes at his back. 

Koutarou gets up then, cleaning his hands on his trousers and smiling at her. 

“I swear, mum's terrified one day you'll just try to swim across the river to visit China. Which is not legal” Rino comments. “And don't dust your hands on your clothes! Now let's go, they're waiting for us.”

“It's not fair, though. You and Mone went with dad last time he had to go to China. I'm not little, anymore” Koutarou laments. He thinks he's being fair – he knows he's the youngest. Rino is fourteen and Mone is twelve, and he's eight. Their father sometimes crosses the border for work, and he took Koutarou's sisters with him the previous year. He was still seven at the time, so Koutarou can be a good kid and understand why he'd been deemed too little. But he's eight now, which he's sure must count for something.

And yes, sure, he's the complete opposite of a quiet kid: he's brash and loud and loves to run around and play with his friends most of the time. But he's not like that all the time. Sometimes he feels like he's the exact opposite. He gets pensive, and moody, and for a while everything feels unexciting around him. They're just moments. Mood changes, his mum called them. It means you need some time for yourself, she said, It's alright. Don't fear your emotions. 

In those moments, Koutarou likes to go sit down by the river and just watch. The world in his head divides in places he knows and places he doesn't know. He knows his hometown: his house, the school, the playground, the market. He knows other places around the country, more or less. He's been to Nampo once to visit his grandparents, and he learned to swim there. 

Those are all nice, comfortable places. Koutarou likes them, he's happy to exist in them, he has fun. 

Then there's everything else. Everything Koutarou has yet to see. The other side of the river is just an image of everything he doesn't know. He's just curious. Of China, of all the places he hears about. Rino always says that the unknown scares her, but Koutarou doesn't feel the same. The unknown excites him – it makes him dream and create stories and scenarios to his heart's content. It helps, when he's feeling down. When he doesn't really feel like being there or interacting with anyone, when something upset him during the day, imagining to visit other places, meet new people and learn new things makes him feel somewhat better. 

“Ugh, I promise I'll talk to dad about it and see if you can tag along next time, just... let's go home now, I'm hungry” Rino replies, tugging on his wrist.

Koutarou laughs at her, finally complying. But he knows he'll be back at the riverbank the following day, wondering. 

Sinuiju, 2016

He never stops wondering. He grows up, he changes, he learns and he actually visits new places. He goes back to Nampo, and then he visits Pyongyang with his mother for the first time when he's around ten. His dad brings him and Mone to China and shows them around. He has his fair share of experiences and stories to tell. He grows up, but somehow that only brings along new questions. 

Koutarou likes his life. He wouldn't say he doesn't. He has a nice family, lovely parents and wonderful sisters. A niece as well, soon, because Rino married a year before and now she's expecting and Koutarou may or may not have bought far too many gifts for the baby even before she's born. It's a pretty life. He lacks nothing. 

But turning eighteen makes people question everything, and Koutarou is no different. Sometimes he still feels like the child who sat by the river and gazed across. He wonders if there could be more. He wonders if he sees himself here in Sinuiju in the long run, or if his life is bound to bring him somewhere else. If he wants to be somewhere else in the future. He knows he'll have to be dispatched for his mandatory military service as soon as he finishes his studies the following year, and that it will take him somewhere now. But after that? What comes after that? 

Mone surprises him one spring afternoon by running into his room and closing the door behind herself. She's twenty now, and she's studying to work in the tourism sector. Between her and Rino, she's the one Koutarou feels more similar to. Not that he doesn't adore Rino – hell, he'd die for her – but she always looked like she had her life sorted out from the moment she was born. Always sure of what she wanted to do, of where she was headed. Studying to become a teacher just like their mother. She fell in love with one of her university colleagues and got married in less than three years – so sure of her future, of her emotions, of her everything. Koutarou surely admires her. 

He and Mone have always been wilder. At times uncertain, at times bored of walking in a constantly straight line. Mone herself took ages to choose what she wanted to study after school, and Koutarou still doesn't know. Maybe he'll follow her path after he's done with the military. Working in tourism means traveling and traveling means satisfying his curiosity, he guesses. 

Or maybe he'll look to work in sports. He knows he's good enough at more than one discipline, anyway. That might just do it. He can't allow himself to get bored – if he's bored, he's moody and inconsolable and grounding himself isn't always easy for Koutarou to do. That's why everyone keeps telling him he'll do fine in the military – maybe not with discipline in the beginning, but training might be helpful in keeping his boredom away. 

“Guess what I have?” Mone asks, a wicked smile on her face. She doesn't really hide what's in her hands, shaking an USB stick in front of him and plopping down on the bed. Koutarou takes exactly three seconds to bring out his laptop. 

“Movie or drama?” he asks, sitting down beside her. That's been their thing for years now. Well, technically speaking it was their father's thing in the first place. Working in trade so close to the border means also getting acquainted with the black market, and he's brought home stuff from South Korea or Europe more than once. 

But the movies and the TV series are Koutarou and Mone's favorites. They've made an habit out of hiding in one of their rooms to watch whatever managed to get smuggled in. That makes Koutarou's mind grow wild. He loves to see new places even if it's through a small screen, and he tries to convince himself that this is enough, and that he won't need to actually visit them to feel satisfied. 

“Drama from the South. Apparently, everyone's talking about it down there” Mone replies, plugging in the stick. 

Well, Koutarou has to convince himself that a small screen is enough, in those cases. It's not like he can ever visit. Anywhere else and he might have a chance one day, but South Korea? He knows that's a no-go, and he can only quell his curiosity through the content he manages to acquire. Except that's exactly why he became so curious in the first place. There's not really a way out. 

“So, basically. It's, like, this high school teenage drama? Which doesn't sound mind blowing, really, so I was skeptical, but there's this new actor playing the main character and he's like your age, more or less, and apparently he's really, really good?” Mone explains, and Koutarou's eyebrows raise.

“Well, press play.”

Three hours later, Koutarou has barely touched his dinner and his eyes are still fixed on the screen. 

“What's his name again?” 

Mone looks at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. “Akaashi Keiji.”

Koutarou just repeats the name and then sighs. “He's so good. How can he be so good at what he does?”

“What the fuck” Mone whispers, flabbergasted. “Since when do you crush on South Korean actors?” 

“I'm not crushing!” Koutarou replies, pointedly. “He's just so... he's good.”

Mone laughs out loud. “I can see that he's good, but I'm not having your reaction, am I? What is it with you?” 

To be fair, Koutarou doesn't know either. “There's something...” he begins, tentative, “... something that just pulls me in. Like I can never stop watching him. He's good, but also... have you ever looked at someone and thought that you wanted to know everything about them?” 

Mone hums. “Me? Not really. Dad said that about mum, though, I'm sure” she replies. 

Koutarou grimaces. “Stop joking! Just... the feeling of wanting to know someone because you think they have so much to say or to give” he explains, before sighing. “I know it's a wild thought. It's not like it can happen.”

That day, Akaashi, unpredictably and suddenly, becomes a constant in Koutarou's life. It's crazy to think about it. He's not someone he knows, he's not a friend or an acquaintance. He's an actor from a country Koutarou will never be able to visit, which means they'll never, ever meet. But that doesn't matter. Koutarou watches Akaashi act, in dramas and movies as the years pass, and he feels alright. There's a kind of comfort in watching Akaashi on a small screen if he needs to wind down, if he needs to ground himself or even if he needs to let all his emotions out and cry about it.

Almost like he's someone Koutarou knows, and not a stranger. It's an absurd feeling, and yet Koutarou looks at him and thinks that they could read each other in an instant, if only they could meet. 

The DMZ, 2018

“Hey! You're Bokuto, right? I was told you were coming today.”

Koutarou's military training has been alright. Not too good, not too bad. He climbed up a couple of ranks – not that he cares much about it, really – and then he got transferred from his hometown region to the border area. He's not sure how he feels about it, since he already misses his parents, his sisters and his niece, but at the very least that means visiting some new places and meeting new people. There's also a kind of odd curiosity, in being so close to the inter-Korean border. That might just make it worthwhile.

But if someone were to ask Koutarou if he sees himself being active in the military, he knows he'll say no. It's a matter easier said than done, though, because he still has no right answer as to what might come later. Should he go and follow Mone's path? Should he say whatever and go train kids in sports like Rino said he'd be good at? What does he even do? 

Is he even looking in the right place? 

“Yeah, that's me” he replies, and the guy in front of him salutes him with a smile. 

“Cool. I'm Hoshiumi, I was tasked with showing you around” he replies, motioning at him to follow him. “Met anyone else from the company already?” 

Bokuto shakes his head. “Should I have?” 

“Nah, it's all good” Hoshiumi reassures him, “I'll just introduce you to some of our superiors as I give you a tour.” 

Staying near the border area, Bokuto quickly surmises, is not half bad. It's not enough to make him believe that suddenly this is his goal in life, far from it, but it's decent, and the years fly by quickly. He makes friends, both among fellow soldiers and around the village where they're stationed whenever they're not in active service. 

All in all, it's not so bad. Hoshiumi is brash but nice to spend time with, and he happens to always know everything about everyone around them. Around a year after Koutarou is transferred to serve in the DMZ, he meets Hinata and Kageyama, and he's not sure he's ever become friends so quickly with someone like he does with Hinata. 

Both Hinata and Kageyama are great, really, if you were to ask Koutarou. And they're cute, even though Kageyama would probably die if Koutarou ever said that to his face, but that's just a fact – they're one of the strangest couples he's met, but they just make sense to him. They get officially engaged a couple of years after Koutarou meets them for the first time and announce they'll get married as soon as their mandatory enlistment is over, which happens to be around a year after Koutarou's is. 

Then there's their captain. Well, he's still a lieutenant when Koutarou, and Hoshiumi before him, meet him, but he gets promoted around six months after Koutarou's arrival, so he quickly gets accustomed to call him captain.

Sakusa is a friend, in Koutarou's eyes – he considers a lot of people friends, that much he knows, so he's also aware that Sakusa would probably object to that claim. But he does things a friend would do, Koutarou believes. 

The thing is that Sakusa is... saying that he's difficult would be an understatement. Koutarou never gets the chance to get close to him – nobody does. They don't know anything about his life: his family, his past, his interests are completely lost on Koutarou, because Sakusa doesn't share. He keeps his distance, both metaphorical and physical, which is something Koutarou and the others quickly adapt to and try their best to respect. 

Honestly, everyone in the army and around the village is aware of how not to behave around Sakusa. Everyone knows he'd much rather avoid physical contact if necessary, everyone knows how particular he is when it comes to hygiene and cleanliness and all that, everyone knows it's up to Sakusa to decide if he wants to get close to someone else. 

But at the same time, Sakusa is... nice. Koutarou isn't the most disciplined soldier, far from it. But two months after Sakusa's promotion to captain, he catches Koutarou as he covertly watches the latest movie Akaashi is starring in and just raises an eyebrow. 

“You are supposed to be working” Sakusa hisses, keeping his gaze fixed on Koutarou's laptop until he removes the USB stick. 

“I'm sorry” Koutarou whispers, and Sakusa takes a deep, long breath before turning on his heels and marching towards the door. 

Koutarou does not get reported like he expects to be, and then Sakusa catches him doing the exact same thing not even two months later. 

Sakusa looks at him and then at his laptop. “Is that the same actor as the last time?” he asks then, monotone. 

“Yes! His name's Akaashi, he's my fav -” Koutarou automatically replies, before catching himself and meekly clearing his throat. 

“Get back to work, Bokuto” Sakusa sighs, turning away once again. 

“Uh, captain?” Koutarou asks him then, “Why did you not report me the last time?” 

Sakusa pointedly refuses to turn around, but Koutarou is pretty sure he's scowling. “I will next time I catch you watching South Korean dramas.” 

In the three years that pass since he becomes captain, Sakusa catches Koutarou watching different South Korean content with Akaashi starring in it more times than he is proud to admit. Still, Koutarou never gets reported. 

So, in Koutarou's humble opinion, Sakusa is nice. Four years in, he still does not know a lot of things about him and he's yet to see him get actually close to someone else, but he's nice. That's enough for Koutarou to consider him a friend.

The DMZ, December 2022

 “Bokuto, a word, if you don't mind.” 

Koutarou silently follows Sakusa to his office before frowning. 

“Is there an issue for tonight? My uncle said everything is good to go, he'll be waiting for Atsumu and he'll bring him to international waters. He won't say anything ever, I assure you.”

“Does he mind two people coming with? I'll go back with him after Miya jumped on the other ship. I'll pay double” Sakusa replies. 

“Oh. Sure, that won't be a problem. He knows you're my boss, so...”

It's been a wild few days and Koutarou is actually quite glad he's not allowed to speak about this to anyone else, because he's not sure how to even begin to explain what happened. 

So, there was a storm. And a power outage. And a South Korean man got stranded in the DMZ and, later, in North Korea. Which is the least strange part about everything that happened recently. 

Miya Atsumu, the man in question, is apparently very famous in his home country. He leads a company, he says. Also, he knows Akaashi Keiji personally, which obviously set Koutarou off, and he spent an entire afternoon asking Atsumu questions about how they met, about South Korea, about whatever, really. 

But actually, no, that's not the strangest part about this.

Atsumu is staying with Sakusa. As in, in his house. He's using Sakusa's bathroom, Sakusa's kitchen, Sakusa's spare bedroom and Sakusa's clothes while Sakusa actively hides him. And yes, Koutarou believes Sakusa Kiyoomi is, at the end of the day, a nice person, but this is...

Koutarou spilled soup on himself, six months ago, and when he asked Sakusa if he could perhaps borrow one of his shirts, he said no. Honestly, it looked fair enough to Koutarou – the man has very specific boundaries and clearly lending clothes is a no-go. Yet Koutarou has very recently seen Miya Atsumu cook lunch in Sakusa's kitchen while wearing one of Sakusa's nicest shirts and smelling of Sakusa's body-wash.

Yes, Sakusa has very specific boundaries, and yet now the entire village believes he's engaged to be married to Miya Atsumu himself. Apparently, if the voices about what happened a couple of nights ago are correct, Sakusa held Atsumu's waist, made up a fake identity on the spot and then dragged him back home while letting him lean his head on his shoulder. 

At the same time, this is also starting to lead Koutarou to believe that after this adventure is over, Sakusa will finally admit he considers him, Hoshiumi, Hinata and Kageyama friends – he's been trusting them with everything related to Atsumu for five days now, so that must be counting for something. 

Well, it technically ends soon, which makes Koutarou a bit sad. Atsumu is fun to spend time with, and the two of them get along extremely well. Also, he'd be lying if he said he isn't extremely curious of whatever is going on between him and Sakusa. He'd love to see things develop, if only it could be possible. But alas...

“Anything else, captain?” 

Sakusa shakes his head, so Koutarou turns to leave. 

“Actually, Bokuto” Sakusa calls him instead, and he turns around curiously, the edge of uncertainty in Sakusa's voice surely surprising. 

“What is it?” 

“Do you happen to...” Sakusa begins, grimacing and pulling at his hair, “I mean, Miya mentioned a... do you listen to Taylor Swift? Like, you know... when you're not watching Akaashi's dramas.” 

Koutarou, however Sakusa prefers to define their relationship, is a great friend, so he forces himself not to laugh out loud. 

“Atsumu mentioned Taylor Swift to you so now you want to list -”

“NO! It's not like that” Sakusa quickly exclaims. “I just... he was singing and he said to ask you and – so you know her?” 

“Not really, no” Koutarou admits. “But Hinata has a soft spot for American music, so if you're looking for smuggled CDs or whatever, just ask him. He has a bunch, I think.” 

“And you think it's wise to tell me?” Sakusa replies. 

“Well, you asked! And it's not like you're going to report any of us” Bokuto retorts. “Clearly, you're as acquainted to the black market as the rest of us, judging by the care products you bought for Atsumu a few days ago.” 

“Get out” Sakusa hisses, and Koutarou smiles. 

“Yep! Tell my uncle I said hi, yeah?” 

Seriously, Koutarou thinks, it's a pity this all ends tonight.

Seoul, February 2023

It does not, in fact, end that night. 

It doesn't even end the following night, or the night after. Actually, it doesn't even end after Atsumu finally goes back to South Korea, because a load of things happen before and even after that, and now Koutarou is sitting on a bus which just crossed the DMZ and he's posing as an athlete going to the military games. 

Koutarou honestly finds himself dividing the past two months of his life in four big phases. 

Phase One: Atsumu gets stuck in North Korea longer than expected and it leads to him and Sakusa falling in love. The entire thing is like watching a nature documentary, in Hoshiumi's words, and Koutarou somewhat agrees. Throughout all of this, Sakusa takes a bullet to save Atsumu's life because there's an asshole out for their blood, Atsumu gets kidnapped by Sakusa's own father and Koutarou and the others find out Sakusa is, in fact, the son of one of the most influential men of the country. 

Phase Two: Atsumu actually gets to go home after two botched attempts. Sakusa is miserable for the following ten days. Koutarou isn't sure he even hears him speak more than a couple of times. It's terrifying and concerning at the same time. The moment they even try to mention Atsumu's name in his presence, Sakusa lashes out and slams the door on their faces before Hinata – bless him, Koutarou thinks, he's heaven-sent – somehow actually manages in calming him down. 

Phase Three: Koutarou doesn't even know. Well, no, he does – he's known for ages that Sakusa had been trying to unmask one of their superiors' illegal activities for months, and Colonel Iribe is exactly the reason why both Sakusa and Atsumu risked their lives a couple of times in December. In January, Koutarou quickly becomes privy to a bit more of Sakusa's private past life story and quietly watches as Sakusa and his father bring the man to trial in a matter of weeks. This specific phase of Koutarou's very recent life events also leads to him finding out Oikawa Tooru works as a secret agent and has known since day one what actually had been going on with Miya Atsumu. After everything, Koutarou is proud to say this shocks him only slightly.

Phase Four: whatever is currently happening. Koutarou has had a wild four days. On Monday, Sakusa came back to the DMZ announcing that Colonel Iribe had been officially detained and condemned to a life sentence. On Tuesday, they all find out that Iribe played everyone for fools and escaped South. Koutarou isn't sure if he's more scared for Atsumu's safety back in Seoul or for Sakusa's visceral reaction to the news. By the evening, him, his friends and Oikawa have offered to follow Sakusa South on a secret mission. 

Two days later, Koutarou officially crosses the inter-Korean border.

So, here he is. Watching the Seoul skyline from a bus window. Everything feels kind of crazy to him. It's not like he isn't concerned about the mission at hand – he is, as is everyone else. There's a lot at stake, and Koutarou is nothing if not determined to succeed. 

Still, it's a strange sensation, to suddenly find himself in a place he's always seen through a screen and that he never thought he'd visit. He's never hidden his fascination, his curiosity: every single one of his friends is aware of that. Honestly, he doubts the others aren't feeling somewhat the same way – not Oikawa, clearly, because the man has roamed around Seoul so much in secret that he now brings them around the city with a speed and confidence that clearly belong to someone who knows every street like the back of his hand. But everyone else, really? They're as curious and as enthralled as Koutarou is. 

The first few days are wild. They do make somewhat quick progress with their mission, and it's really a bit of a whirlwind of checking security footage, making friends with Oikawa's South Korean contact – who apparently is also friends with Atsumu, but Koutarou has stopped being surprised when the man first paraglided himself in North Korea – and fighting some of Colonel Iribe's lackeys to get information from them. They also roam around the city a decent amount of time, because Koutarou and Hinata beg and Oikawa agrees to take them around some of the best places. 

Koutarou's life changes after maybe a week since he first arrived in Seoul. 

“So, Bokuto, I got something to tell ya” Atsumu declares that day. 

They're all huddled in the living room of the apartment in Dongdaemun that Oikawa has used in the past. Atsumu is laying back on the couch, leaning towards Sakusa, who has an arm around his shoulders. Koutarou isn't sure he's ever seen them being more than a few meters apart since they met again, but it isn't difficult to understand that. He and the others have been wondering, really, if Sakusa might just say fuck it and defect – Oikawa is particularly adamant in believing wholeheartedly he will.

“What is it?” Koutarou asks, Atsumu's tone making him curious. 

“Yer going on a date tomorrow!” Atsumu announces, scrunching up his nose and smiling wide at him. 

Koutarou blinks. “Uh... with whom?” 

Atsumu's grin only becomes wider, and Sakusa muffles a laugh under his breath. “Well” Atsumu elaborates, “I cashed in a favor. Guess.” 

It dawns on Koutarou then, and it probably does on everyone else, too, because Hinata gasps loudly and whispers a frantic “No way” to Kageyama beside him.

Yeah, Koutarou thinks, no way. 

“I can't” he states, balancing himself between disbelief and a kind of awe that he's trying to push away.

He truly can't. Well, he wants to. Of course, he wants to meet Akaashi Keiji – it's been years since he hoped for that. Not in a... not in a fan way, Koutarou doesn't want that. He's not sure he's ever been enthralled with Akaashi-the-celebrity. It's always been everything else. About the pull he felt. The way he just knew that Akaashi was someone with so much to discover and so much to give, from the very first time he saw him. And hasn't he always wanted to sit down and let him speak, and talk in return and ask questions and just see if what Koutarou believed was true or not? 

But how can he just accept this? What does he even say to him? He can't say where he's from, that much he knows, but even then... he's nobody, to Akaashi. But to Koutarou, Akaashi is a lot. Akaashi is the person Koutarou always thought he'd get along to so, so well, Akaashi is the person whose presence behind a screen always made him feel at home. Everyone would think Koutarou crazy. 

“Bokuto, Atsumu asked Akaashi personally for a favor” Sakusa intervenes, and Koutarou doesn't miss how he's switching to his army captain voice. “I've literally never heard him beg for something as much as he did for this.” 

Oikawa makes a crude joke that Koutarou barely hears, which incenses Atsumu enough to stray from the topic at hand for a few seconds. 

“But what do I even tell him?” Koutarou interrupts them with a sigh, “And you're giving me a day to prepare as if this hasn't been a dream I never thought I'd achieve. I'll freak out before I even see him!” 

God, he wants this. He does, because whenever else would he get the opportunity? Whenever else would he find out if perhaps there's really something that ties him and Akaashi?

“Just go, Bokuto! It's literally a once in a lifetime opportunity” Hinata exclaims then, almost reading his mind, “And we all know how much he means to you.” 

Koutarou will be back in North Korea in two weeks, and back to see Akaashi from a screen. This will most likely never happen again. And sure, Atsumu called it a date, but Atsumu is Atsumu and he loves to make jokes like that. 

“I could order you” Sakusa intervenes again, deadly serious, which earns him a poignant smirk from Atsumu.

Oikawa makes another sexual joke towards the two of them, which breaks the conversation again, and it lets Koutarou breathe for just a few seconds. 

It's just a meeting. Just a meeting. Lunch. A couple hours, maybe. A talk, perhaps a laugh, and the hope to really feel a kind of connection that Koutarou will carry with himself all the way back home. 

Who would refuse? 

“I'll go!” he announces then, taking a deep breath before repeating himself, “I'll go.” 

To say that Atsumu is elated is an understatement, because he throws himself at him and quickly starts telling him the details and assuring that Akaashi is the nicest, kindest person in the world – not that Koutarou is surprised. 

He leaves the apartment the morning after with twin wolf whistles from Hinata and Oikawa and the nicest casual outfit the latter picked out for him, and a Go charm him, tiger text from Atsumu. Koutarou is honestly not sure if he feels more anxiety or elation at the prospect of what's about to happen to him. 

Akaashi is beautiful. Not that Koutarou didn't already know, but he can't manage to think about anything else the moment he lays his eyes on him for the first time – well, first not counting all the times he watched him through a screen. They're a bit outside the bustling center of Seoul, as per Akaashi's request for a bit of privacy. And honestly, being in a quieter environment surely helps Koutarou in calming his own nerves. He doesn't know what will happen, what he will even say to Akaashi himself, but having lunch in a silent, more secluded place surely sounds like the best possible option for the both of them. 

And it's not like he wants anyone to possibly misinterpret what is happening, for Akaashi's sake. 

“I suppose you're Bokuto?” 

Koutarou's breath catches in his throat, as if he hasn't psyched himself up for the past twenty-four hours for this exact moment to go well. But Akaashi looks at him with such earnest curiosity that he can't help but falter. 

“I... yes, I am” Koutarou finally replies, stepping closer and extending a hand to him. He hopes Akaashi doesn't notice the slight tremble. 

“It's nice to meet you, then” Akaashi replies, smiling lightly, “I'm Akaashi. Well, you know that already.” 

“Thanks for accepting to meet” Koutarou says, “Well, Atsumu did everything by himself. He asked you and then me, but... yeah.” 

“It was an odd request, but I do trust Atsumu, so... shall we go in?” Akaashi offers, and Koutarou is suddenly very aware of how the other hasn't stopped looking at him in the past minute or so. 

The place is quiet indeed, and Akaashi seems to be acquainted already with the owner and the rest of the staff, because they greet him like an old friend and quickly direct him to a nice, isolated table that overlooks the garden. 

Suddenly, Koutarou's mouth feels like it's made of lead, and he has no idea what he should say now. Does he try to make small talk? Does he comment on the menu? Does he let Akaashi speak first? He really should have planned everything better the past day, so he knew in advance what to do. 

In the end, Akaashi chooses for the both of them. 

“Tell me about you” he says, “Not that I won't do the same, but... Atsumu got me curious.”

It takes everything for Koutarou not to falter at that. He's been thinking about this for the past day – he knows that he'll have to omit a lot about himself. But he's never been a great liar, and he doesn't want to deceive Akaashi either, in the first place. But he has to tiptoe around everything, doesn't he?

“I... well, I've lived abroad until recently, with my parents and my sisters. Well, they still live there. I've come here not too long ago by myself” he replies in the end. 

Akaashi looks at him in silence for a few seconds and for a brief, fleeting moment Koutarou believes he's being seen right through. Surely, that's just him. Right?

“How did you meet Atsumu, then?” Akaashi asks at that point. “You work for him?” 

At least they rehearsed this, Koutarou and Atsumu. “Yeah. I mean, it's a recent thing.”

“I still need to catch up with him properly. You know, after the whole accident thing, but I don't really wanna impose since he's been reticent to talk about it” Akaashi comments. “How's working with him? Does he still terrorize every staff meeting demanding absolute perfection or...?” 

Koutarou can't help but laugh at that. “At times” he answers, because he knows Atsumu enough to be sure that's the truth. 

They're interrupted before they can continue talking, by a waiter who clearly seems to know Akaashi already, because his tone is informal and pointedly doesn't comment on the fact that he has company. 

It sort of flows from there. Akaashi is quick to talk about himself as well – Koutarou wonders if that's supposed to be strange. Their conversations grow deeper as their lunch progresses, with an easiness that most people would find odd, for two men that have known each other for a couple of hours or so. 

There is so little Akaashi knows about Koutarou, why would he be so at ease talking about himself? About his family, his worries and his personal life? Koutarou knows for a fact that much of what Akaashi is saying is something the man usually keeps private, so why tell him? Why so easily, why so soon? It's not that it doesn't flatter Koutarou, to be trusted that way, and he surely is being as open as he can in return – excluding everything he cannot say about where he's from and what he's doing here, but he isn't willing to spill a truth that involves so many other people without asking them first – but it baffles him, anyway. 

How does he read into this? He can't take his eyes away from Akaashi, of that much he's aware, but it feels like Akaashi can't take away his from him, either. Koutarou must be deluding himself, right? 

“Why me?” Akaashi asks at some point, tilting his head. He's picking at the leftovers of his dessert, and he's eagerly listened to Koutarou talk about his family, about his sisters and his niece. If he understood that Koutarou is keeping some stuff for himself, he surely doesn't show it. 

“I mean” Akaashi amends, “There's a reason why you wanted to meet me, right? There are plenty of famous actors around and many of them Atsumu knows personally. Why me, specifically?” 

Where does Bokuto even start? 

“I... some years ago, I came across your first drama as a lead actor by chance. And I... it probably won't even make sense. There was – well, is – an easiness in the way you conveyed everything, and at the same time... can I overstep?” he asks.

Akaashi laughs. “I've told you a lot about myself, haven't I? Overstepping isn't really a thing right now.”

“I'm not the easiest person to be around, usually. I feel my emotions, like, a lot. Sometimes I'm too elated or excited, sometimes I'm too sad or grumpy or whatever. And whenever I watched you from a screen I felt like... like you'd get that, if I talked to you. So after a while it started to ground me. Watching you. If I felt too much on edge” Koutarou admits then, before looking away sheepishly. He's aware of how crazy this sounds. 

Akaashi blinks at him, remaining quiet for a few seconds and leaning forward with his elbows. He doesn't take his eyes away from Koutarou. If anything, Koutarou feels like he's being observed even more attentively now. There's something about Akaashi's gaze that makes him want to return it tenfold. 

“I know it's a bit... extreme. You can forget I ever said that” he says at that point, because he's really not sure what Akaashi is thinking right now, and he doesn't want to risk being even more forward. 

“Maybe for someone else” Akaashi interrupts him, eagerly, “Not for me. I... think this is one of the nicest things ever said to me.” 

Oh. 

Koutarou is quite sure he's blushing. 

“Sometimes it's difficult to... meet new people and bond with them in any way. I've reached a level of notoriety that I did not really expect and oftentimes people don't really make a distinction between the parts I play and, you know, me” Akaashi admits. “It gets to a point where it's rare to meet someone and have any kind of heart to heart conversation. Obviously, I have friends from before I started acting and then have some friends who sort of are in my position so it's easier with them, like Atsumu. But apart from those exceptions, it sort of feels like a bubble. Except that I can't pop it from the inside and most people I meet that know me as Akaashi-Keiji-the-actor aren't that interested in doing that from the outside.” 

Koutarou would. Koutarou definitely would. The only reason he doesn't say that out loud is how bold it sounds. Maybe he can try in silent though and let Akaashi be the judge of his actions – whether he's successfully popped the bubble or not. 

“I mean, I've seen the actor you, haven't I?” he says instead. “But I haven't seen or known the... well, the you you. Shouldn't that be what matters? I'm aware it's crazy, how I hoped to meet you and everything I said before, but... I mean, now that we've met, why should I only care about your public persona? Why should anyone, once they've met you?” 

There's something that sparkles in Akaashi's eyes at that point, something that Koutarou isn't really sure how to name. Like a glint of astonishment and wonder, like Koutarou just said something wild to him. 

“It sounds so easy when you say it” Akaashi effectively comments, a breathless laugh escaping from his lips. 

Koutarou blinks. “But it is. It's that simple. It should be for anyone.” 

Akaashi's breath seems to catch in his throat at that, and he quickly takes a sip from his glass before looking up at Koutarou again. 

“You said you're not from Seoul. How about I show you around for the day? We can take my car” he asks. “I don't have plans, so... I mean, if you're also free after this.” 

Koutarou should be rational and remind himself that he's here on a mission, that his friends and colleagues are busy working and trying to end the matter with Colonel Iribe as soon as possible. And Koutarou is incredibly concerned about Atsumu and Sakusa's well-being, that's a fact. But it's Atsumu himself who insisted for this to happen, and both his colleagues and Oikawa told him not to worry and just consider himself free for the day, if he so wanted. 

And Koutarou isn't really sure he wants to say goodbye to Akaashi now. 

There's something squirming in his chest, and Koutarou isn't that naive not to understand what kind of feelings are trying to surface. But it's too bold to act on them right now, barely after a few hours. And there is a small part of him that somewhat thinks that Akaashi might return whatever it is that Koutarou feels right now. But betting on it so soon isn't something Koutarou is keen on doing – he only needed a few hours to understand how meaningful this is for him. 

“I'm free, so yeah, gladly” he replies then, and Akaashi's coy smile is the best reaction he could ask for. 

The day is quick to pass after that, Akaashi taking great care in showing Koutarou some of his favorite spots around the city. They avoid some of the most crowded places, clearly to make sure no one happens to recognize Akaashi – it's the last thing Koutarou wants as well, for either of them to be thrown under the spotlight all of a sudden. 

It's when the sun has finished setting and they're still leisurely strolling in a park that Akaashi's clothed hand takes his. He doesn't speak, and Koutarou only freezes for a brief second before turning to look at him with wide eyes. Akaashi simply looks at him with apparent calmness, but it doesn't take Koutarou long to notice the sheer hope hiding beside his gaze. He smiles then, saying nothing as well, and returns the hold. 

Neither of them talk about it, resuming their previous conversation like nothing really happened. 

“I have two questions” Akaashi says then, as they're slowly walking back to where he parked his car. Koutarou isn't sure what happens now. He's also not sure if he wants the day to end. He knows he has no will to let go of Akaashi's hand, which says a lot about what he feels now. 

He's not surprised he likes Akaashi. He knew that would have happened, never had any doubt about it. He's not even surprised that his feelings turned into that kind of affection so quickly – it's not like Sakusa and Atsumu didn't prove how possible that is to him in the past couple of months. 

That isn't to say he isn't worried about everything else. About how he can't really say all the truth to Akaashi, about how he has around two weeks left in the country before having to go back home. About how if things go further, there would be a lot to unpack. 

“Would you call me by name?” Akaashi asks then. “I think we're past formalities at this point.”

“Oh. Are you... sure about that?” Koutarou wonders, and Akaashi just smiles as he nods. 

“Keiji then” Koutarou murmurs, allowing himself to feel how the name sounds coming from his lips. “What's the second thing?” 

Keiji looks away for a couple of seconds, his forehead creasing as he seems to debate whether to say something or not. 

“If I offered to have dinner at my place” he begins then, “What would you say to that?” 

Koutarou's lips part in silence. He's perceptive enough to have realized that the interest, however either of them wanted to define it, is mutual – and even if he didn't, the hand holding was a dead giveaway. 

“When you say dinner...” he questions, and Keiji actually smirks at that, the previous coyness suddenly gone. Koutarou presumes that he noticed things the same way he did. 

“If you don't believe that's too forward, I mean it exactly in the way you're thinking” Keiji replies, easily, and Koutarou should take a step back. 

Atsumu, Koutarou remembers, made a whole speech, back at some point in December, about lines and bridges that were too unsafe to cross in regard to his feelings for Sakusa; he talked about how holding back was really for the best, because he had to leave and keeping a distance was better for both. Atsumu, Koutarou also remembers, ultimately threw all those speeches out of the window and   gave in to his feeling for Sakusa. Koutarou never judged him for that. On the contrary. He thought that leaving everything behind with regrets would hurt more than doing so with the knowledge of not having wasted a single moment. 

And wouldn't that apply to him as well, if he ignored his feelings? He doesn't care about how quickly this is happening, he doesn't care about how he'll wake up in a day or two with a lot to think about – his life, his future, his everything. Koutarou still isn't sure about what he wants, once his military service is over. He doubts, and wonders, and he knows he'll have to sit down and ponder all the possible options at some point, no matter what happens. 

Koutarou looks at Keiji, bewitched and engulfed in all things wonderful about him, and there is not a single cell inside him that doubts this. Not his unnamed feelings, not Keiji's, either. He'll deal with the after, with however this will develop and with everything he'll know he might have to consider. Right now, all he knows is that Keiji might just be – again, and again, as he silently somehow has been for years already, and yet all of that pales in comparison to this moment – the light that brightens the road for him. Long or tortuous that is, Koutarou doesn't really care now.  

“So?” Keiji urges him, and Koutarou notices how a small trace of uncertainty is trying to seep into his expression. 

“Might I answer with a question of mine?” Koutarou asks, because he still has no intention to possibly startle him. 

Keiji surprisingly laughs at that, lightly and breathlessly.

“Yes, you can kiss me, Koutarou” he replies, amused, and that only makes Koutarou let out a laugh of his own. 

“Oh, thank goodness.” 

Koutarou leans down, eyes bright with anticipation, and both him and Keiji let out one last sparkly laugh on each other's lips before closing the space that separates them. 

He wakes up the following day with a million thoughts chasing each other in his head and Keiji still fast asleep against him. And with a bunch of text messages from his friends who are probably just reacting to his laconic “I'm spending the night out” text from the evening before, but he supposes he's better off explaining everything face to face with them later. 

It's a whirlwind from that moment forward, and it seems to Koutarou that he's living two drastically different parallel lives. Sometimes, he's with his friends, trying to draw the mission they're on to a close as soon as they can; some other times, he's with Keiji, sneaking around as soon as they both can make the time. It's breathtaking, every moment of it. But Koutarou doesn't tell him the truth just yet – it's too much, too soon, everything is still precarious with the mission yet to conclude successfully, and he doesn't really want to do that without being sure that his friends are alright with it. 

And how do you even start to explain all of that, anyway? 

That's what he tells himself the first few days, but he's quick to realize he doesn't completely believe in his words, either. There is so much someone can learn about a person in a few days, but Koutarou is quite sure he's learned a lot about Keiji – and he's so engrossed and infatuated and in awe of him to be sure that he wouldn't mind, knowing the truth. Of course he wouldn't. That's not what concerns him. 

How does he admit to Keiji that his days here are numbered? That he's set to go back home soon and that they'll have to say goodbye? The thing is that saying it out loud scares Koutarou as well. And it's fun, because he and his friends have spent days discussing among them how long it would take Sakusa to leave everything behind to stay with Atsumu, because it's so clear to everyone that such is the right course of things, and Koutarou didn't really expect to be thrown in the same position so quickly. 

It's not that he's thinking about defecting. Or maybe he is, he's not sure either. His mind is a big mess of things of everything his life has been up until this moment and whatever it will be once he's returned home. He just knows Keiji has managed to carve a space for himself inside his mind, his heart and his everything that is so wide and so deep that Koutarou can't and won't ignore it. But it's an anxious thought, that of his future, and he barely even knows from where he should start to tackle everything. 

The mission is successful, at least, and that's when Sakusa quietly whispers to him that he does plan to defect, to which Koutarou – pretending so hard to be surprised by the other's words – quietly replies that he's evaluating stuff, too. They're at different points of whatever journey this is, and they've had different lives which now bring them to have to consider different things, too. Koutarou knows Sakusa has been through and endured enough to finally wanting to draw a drastic line and get what he wants for himself. Koutarou's life is another matter.

And maybe he spent his childhood days sitting on the riverbank looking at the border, but he's never loathed the place he grew up in. He has a family he loves, people he worries for, people he isn't sure he'll manage without. But he knows that he's yet to give thought to what he truly wants to do after this period of his life is over. He's spent ages chatting with Mone about that, both of them feeling like they just took longer than their older sister to figure things out. He thinks Mone got there now. Of himself, Koutarou isn't that sure yet. 

So where does he start? How does he lay everything down at his own feet and Keiji's, how does he say that he's not sure? That there is so much he needs to unravel inside his mind – not Keiji, never Keiji, of what he feels Koutarou is more than sure. He just needs to see if he'll really be happy in the long run, if he lets that take priority once he's back as he so desperately wishes to right now. 

But time does fly quickly, as soon as their mission is over, and the moment Koutarou has to go back home does loom closer. It seems crazy, how much one can grow to feel in such a short time – Koutarou has seen it happen from the outside, but there is something in experiencing that himself that just tugs at his heart in ways he can't really give names to. 

He doesn't call it love. He's not sure his feelings are at that point yet. They certainly seem close, but  if distance makes the heart grow fonder, maybe Koutarou will understand more once he's went back home. So, he doesn't call it love, but that doesn't make it any less all-encompassing than it is. Atsumu once told him that he felt like he lived an entire life with Sakusa, in the time they had before they had to part at the border. Koutarou can confidently say the same for himself and Keiji – they've crossed line after line, so fast and yet so sure of what they were doing. 

But Keiji doesn't really know there was a timer ticking all throughout, does he? 

He tells him everything one evening, a short few days before Koutarou is set to return, as they're huddled on Keiji's couch with the long-discarded intent of watching a movie. 

“There's... something I haven't told you” he whispers, and it's very cliche-like, but he doesn't know how else to begin. 

Keiji hums in reply, looking up at him quietly. 

“That you're from North Korea originally?” he says calmly, and it makes Koutarou stop dead in his tracks. 

“How... did you know?” he asks, flabbergasted, and Keiji just smiles. 

“Your accent slips, at times, and I do tend to recognize different accents easily, so... and you were purposefully vague on where exactly you grew up, so I just put two and two together after a few days” he explains. “It's alright. I quickly figured it was your story to tell, so I didn't want to pressure you into saying anything you weren't ready for.” 

Koutarou's heart squeezes then, because this is one of the most considerate things someone has done for him, and he's not sure he wants to deal the final blow now by saying that he's due to go back in a few days, but what choice does he have, really? 

So, he quietly speaks again, telling Keiji why exactly he's in Seoul right now. He tells him how he first met Atsumu, how things came to a boiling point around a month ago and how he tagged along to give his help as well. He tells him how the mission was successful, which means that he has to go back home in a few days. 

Keiji listens to him quietly, letting him speak without urging him or interrupting him to ask questions. He keeps his face neutral most of the time, but Koutarou doesn't fail to notice how his gaze darkens slightly as soon as he comes to learn that they're too separate soon. It's the most heartbreaking thing he's ever seen. 

“So... to sum it up” Keiji begins in the end, “Atsumu paraglided himself into North Korea, was rescued, then proceeded to fall in love with your boss?” 

Koutarou is not sure that this is the most pressing matter, but he doesn't comment on it, so he just hums in agreement. 

“... Right” Keiji replies. “And Kuroo's in the secret services. As in, my friend Kuroo. Whose wedding I've been to.” 

Koutarou lightly clears his throat, unsure what to say at this specific moment. 

“Sorry, I'm just trying to take everything you just told me in” Keiji adds then, straightening up and lowering his lashes in what Koutarou easily understands as a way to hide the wet glint in his eyes.

“I didn't mean to keep this from you” Koutarou whispers, but Keiji is quick to shake his head, inching closer so he can hold his hand softly. 

“I'm not angry or anything. It's just... wild. It sounds like the plot from a drama, or something” he reassures him. “And I... I assume I did not expect to have to say goodbye to you, so that's... overwhelming me, a bit.” 

And Koutarou desperately wishes he could say something, anything, to make it better – because at the end of the day, he always knew that this was bound to happen. He should've thought harder about what to say to sweeten the deal, anything to make sure Keiji doesn't look so devastated at the idea of having to say goodbye. And yet he barely knows if he himself is even capable of parting without feeling like breaking into a million pieces. 

“The thing is that I...” he begins then, “I have been considering stuff. About... everything.”

That pushes Keiji to look up with a silent question in his eyes, and Koutarou just wishes he could make a decision on the spot. But that's not fair to either of them, if by any chance Koutarou ends up regretting it in the long run. 

“I like you a lot. I mean, I told you that already, but I've... never felt better than I do during the time I spend with you. And I know it won't change, ever. And the days we just spent together, everything that happened between us... it reminded me that there's a lot I still don't know about what I want my life to be, or where, or -”

“Wait!” Keiji interrupts him quickly, fulling turning around so he can face him. “I wouldn't want you to – I'd never ask you to leave your family, or you friends, just for... everything you feel, I feel it too. And I won't hide the fact that I'm... gutted, to say the least, about not being able to stay with you, but I don't want you to –”

“I know you wouldn't” Koutarou assures him, “It's just that I wish I could make this kind of decision now. I really mean it when I say I never let myself think about what I could do once my mandatory military service is over. The thing is that we met and suddenly everything was put into a different perspective, for me. But I... I don't think I can be sure now, that leaving everything I've always known behind is what's right for me. I'd like to think it is, but if I take it lightly I fear I'd hurt you in the process as well. Does it make sense?” 

“Alright, listen” Keiji whispers, his hold tightening on Koutarou's hand. “I'll say this now because later on I might just cry a lot and I wouldn't be lucid enough to tell you what I really, rationally think. Everything about the past ten days we spent together? It's wild. There was not a single other time in my life when I trusted someone so much and so blindly as I did with you, nor there has ever been anyone that made me feel even remotely like you do. I felt the need to put things into perspective after the first night we spent together. That's how much this means to me, that's how much you mean to me. And what I know for certain is that I just want you to be happy. And whatever decision you might make, I'll support it. If one day you think that jumping into the void and come back here is what you want and need, I promise I'll be right where you left me. If instead what you feel it's best for you is back home, then I don't want you to choose otherwise just because you think I might hurt in the process. I promise you, my feelings aren't so fragile to change over that.” 

It's Koutarou's breath that catches in his throat this time, threatening him to come out in quiet, heartbreaking sobs. “I know they aren't” he tells Keiji, “I just wish I could have everything figured out already.” 

Keiji's hand presses delicately on his cheek then. “But you will. What's the rush? Come what may, it won't erase what we lived together.” 

It seems wrong that he should be the one to cry, Koutarou thinks. Keiji is steadfast and lucid in a way that has him flabbergasted. Not that he didn't expect it – the short time they had together has been enough for Koutarou to understand how precisely they fit; how Keiji is posed and clinical while he himself is much more emotional and impulsive; how Keiji tends to overthink while Koutarou feels more confident in being able to solve something without worrying unnecessarily.

Well, not in this one specific case, but Koutarou guesses that there is far too much at stake, this time around, for him to think that it's just easy yet. 

It's a hard thing, saying goodbye to Keiji, and when the moment comes they both shed much more tears than they did the night of their talk. The last memory Koutarou has before having to turn around and go back to the others is of Keiji looking straight at him, following his eyes almost hungrily. For a moment, Koutarou thinks he's about to say something important. For another moment, he also think he himself might do so. But in the end, they both seem to realize that any too meaningful word right now might overly complicate things. So, their last few seconds together are silent, twin sad smiles on their faces before they let themselves kiss the other one more time. 

The village, May 2023 

“Bokuto, can I talk to you for a minute?” 

Koutarou would say he's been doing alright – not great, not terribly, just alright. It's nonetheless odd, for someone who often tends to go by absolutes. 

It's a strange feeling, missing Keiji. They're not that far away, if one were to count the miles between them, but Koutarou has never felt the division between their countries more than he's doing now. He gets how Sakusa felt, when he first had to say goodbye to Atsumu: he gets the feeling of your throat closing and cutting all the breath away when he just wishes he could know anything about Keiji, he gets the feeling of just wanting to break down and cry out of bitterness for not being able to even send a single text message. 

And he wishes he could have it all figured out already. Maybe if he knew already where his future lies he'd be able to get his feelings more in check: he'd know whether to slowly allow himself to heal and keep the time he and Keiji spent together as a treasured memory or to feel lighter at the idea of seeing him again, one day. But he's not sure he's made progress, and he's not sure he will, as long as he's still in the army. It had started to restrain him months ago already, and everything that happened since the beginning of the year has only increased the sensation tenfold. But it's only a few months before his mandatory service is over, so he simply waits for life to once again become a blank slate for him. 

“Bokuto, are you listening to me?”

Sakusa's voice startles him then. They've just had dinner together, which was Sakusa's way to let them all know he'll leave in a couple of months. It didn't come as a surprise for any of them, but it being official definitely made things bittersweet. And it definitely hits a little too close, in Koutarou's case, barely making him realize that he'd been dallying behind while his friends had taken their leave already.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” he asks, and Sakusa just sighs, gesturing at him to follow him back inside. 

“I didn't want to bring it up during dinner, but given what we were talking about...” Sakusa begins then, “I merely wanted to ask you how you were feeling.”

It's a polite way to wonder if Koutarou has come to a decision as well, and it's definitely more tactful than usual, given Sakusa's general bluntness. 

“It depends on the day. Some days are harder than others. I guess you know what I mean” Koutarou replies sincerely, and Sakusa hums in agreement. 

“Your mandatory service ends this September, just like Hoshiumi's. I know he plans to stay in the army, but I know you don't.”

“I'll go back home. I think I need to take my mind off of everything to actually understand what I want. And my family is still in the dark about everything, so...” Koutarou explains, before frowning. “Wait, I'm allowed to tell them what happened, right?” 

Sakusa grimaces. “Would you mind not mentioning me or Atsumu? If you could just... say that you were picked for a mission in the South and leave it at that” he says. “It's not a matter of trust. But in a couple of months, almost everyone will believe me dead. If it could remain that way, I'd appreciate that.” 

Koutarou is quick to nod. “Of course! My uncle who helped you back then also didn't really know anything. He never knew your name, or Atsumu's, or even that he was from the South. I just asked for his help and that was it. I just want to tell my family about Akaashi. So that they could understand, if I decide to... leave.”

“Thank you” Sakusa replies. “So you're not sure yet?” 

“I feel like I need to close this chapter first, turn on a new page and understand where exactly it's meant to take me” Koutarou murmurs. “I feel like if I make a rushed decision, then I'll just end up hurting him in the process.” 

Sakusa doesn't immediately reply to that. When he does, his voice trembles slightly. 

“When Atsumu left after Christmas... I had my eyes closed as he walked away. I hid from his sight because we agreed that if he saw me when looking back it would have been too difficult. But I heard him crying, still, just as much as I did. And the thing is that there was a moment in which I thought to just run to him. Run and follow him anywhere he led, just so he didn't have to cry because of me anymore” he admits. “It was just for a moment, and I didn't really realize that I did think about it until after I actually decided to defect in February. January was one of the worst months of my life. I spent my days believing I'd never see him again. And while it sounds dumb now, how I felt like I was stuck here out of some ridiculous sense of duty towards my family, I do know that if I'd acted on my thoughts in December I'd have ruined everything.” 

“No, you wouldn't have” Koutarou retorts, confused. 

“Yes, I totally would have. Because back then, if I had run, that would've only been for Atsumu. There was so much of myself that I hadn't yet figured out, and I still had to forgive myself for things I was never really to blame for. If I had defected in December, I'd have ended up centering myself around Atsumu, and I fear I wouldn't have allowed myself to wonder about what I could do with my life. And I'd have grown to loathe it just as it had already happened.” 

“But then what changed?” 

“What changed is that we went to Seoul, and I saw him again. I met his family, saw my cousin again, visited the city and lived the life that I stopped living when I returned from Switzerland. And I kept looking around and suddenly everything felt right. I was luckier than most others, including my own cousin, because I'll defect in a couple of months knowing what will wait for me, but that doesn't mean it isn't a leap of faith anyway. What I mean is that when I actually, consciously decided to defect, what felt clear to me is that I was doing this for myself and for my own happiness, and not someone else's” Sakusa continues. “And Atsumu is a huge part of that, obviously, but it's the way you look at it that changes things. So, take all the time you need. If you ever decide to do this, be sure it's for yourself. I'm not saying Akaashi doesn't need to play a part, but it's your happiness first and foremost.”

Sometimes Koutarou still needs to get used to Sakusa being so openly vulnerable, but he does see sense in his words. There's clinical precision in what Sakusa is saying, which isn't unlike him, given how methodical Koutarou and everyone else knows him to be, but it's clear how this is the product of all the time he spent debunking and rebuilding himself back up. Koutarou has seen him do that, has seen him fall in love, cry and relearn how to be openly vulnerable with someone else and within himself, too. That only makes his words even more meaningful. 

“You have time, Bokuto. Don't feel like you have to rush yourself. You'll have Oikawa to ask for help if you ever need it. He'll make sure everything is safe for you and your family” Sakusa adds in the end. “Just live, for now. It'll come by itself, trust me. One day, you'll just realize you've already answered your own question.” 

Sakusa Kiyoomi says goodbye to him and everyone else in July. News travel of his – fake, but only few people know – premature death. They cry and mourn and pay their homages without ever letting anything slip. In September, two things happen. 

First, Oikawa corners Koutarou and his friends to simply whisper that Sakusa is in Seoul and he's alright. 

Second, Koutarou's mandatory service finally comes to an end. Hinata, Kageyama and Hoshiumi throw him a party – Hinata clearly plans most of it – so they can reminisce about all the years they spent together. Tears are shed, hugs are exchanged and Koutarou travels home a few days after. 

Sinuiju, October 2023 

It's neither difficult nor easy, re-adapting to his old life back home. It's certainly strange, though, especially after everything that happened in the past year. It takes him a few weeks before he finally opens up. It's not that he doesn't want to, it's just that he wakes up everyday and it takes him a little while to realize that he's in his childhood room and Hoshiumi isn't snoring from the nearby bed. 

He waits for a family dinner – it's him, his parents, Rino and Mone all together as they haven't been for years. Koutarou's niece is there too, while Rino's husband is away on some work trip Koutarou doesn't really know many details about. It's as nice as a long awaited family dinner could go, and Koutarou didn't really manage to go home to visit in the past year with everything that happened, so they do have a lot to catch up on. 

He waits for his niece to be put to bed before actually opening his heart and telling his family everything. She's the loveliest little kid and Koutarou adores her, but she's young, and he can't really count on her not to let a word out. Honestly, it's clear in retrospect that his sisters and his parents have already caught on something and have simply been waiting for him to make the first move – his mother and Mone especially can read him like he's an open book. So, it doesn't come as a surprise when, as he sits down a bit more properly and clears his throat, Mone perks up from where she's sitting on the sofa with her legs crossed and grins. 

“Here we go, spit it out. Me and Rino made guesses about what this could be.” 

“She did, I didn't” Rino intercedes with a sigh. 

“Let him talk, girls” their mother intercedes, and Koutarou maybe should have planned a speech or something, like some bullet points to cross out as he explained stuff. 

In the end, he just says everything all at once. A lot of it is left out, clearly, because he's not about to betray the promise he made to Sakusa, and if his family realizes that he's keeping something from them, they certainly do not complain about it. Words about Akaashi flow with an easiness and a simplicity that he should have expected. Nothing about him has ever been difficult, after all. Mone gasps out loud at his story, probably more aware than anyone else in this room of how meaningful this clearly is to her brother. 

“You've been to Seoul this winter on a special military mission and you're only telling us now?” Koutarou's father comments, bewildered. 

“I couldn't really tell you by phone, though. And, well, officially you couldn't even be allowed to know, but given everything that happened...” Koutarou replies. 

“You didn't tell us how you managed to meet him, though. I doubt he's easy to reach” Mone adds, and Koutarou grimaces pointedly. He has left any mention of Sakusa or Atsumu and everything that involves them out of his story and he intends to stay true to that no matter how much anyone insists. 

“Mone, I believe that might have been a conscious choice since it was a secret mission” Rino intervenes. 

Mone simply turns her gaze back to Koutarou, her eyebrows raised in the most inquisitive way she's capable of. She is used to be the older sister Koutarou usually goes to talk about stuff. They're closer in age and their personalities are much more similar than Koutarou's and Rino's. There's really almost nothing Koutarou has ever kept from her, but this is quite different from anything else that has been going on in Koutarou's life. He knows his family could keep a secret, but Sakusa's and Atsumu's story is not his to tell without permission. 

“I really don't think the details are that important, Mone. Let your brother speak” his mother intervenes then. 

“Sorry” Mone whispers then. “But so what now? Are you just... I mean, he's – what will you do?”

“That's what I'm trying to figure out” Koutarou replies sincerely, eyes cast downwards and hands fidgeting. He feels his parents' gaze on him, a silent question he has no answer to just yet permeating the air. 

“I'd been meaning to end my military service first, just so I could... come back here and try to understand. I don't... rushing this wouldn't be wise, and... I just don't know. I postponed thinking about my future for so long and I barely have any idea on what I want to do now, let alone where” he admits quietly. 

“But you like him that much, don't you?” Rino asks him, her arms crossed under her chest the way she does when she's teaching her school kids. 

“And I love you guys, though, so how do I even weigh that out? If I... leave this place when I'm still not sure it's what I want forever, I'd just hurt Keiji in the process as well, wouldn't I?” 

He'd like to think he wouldn't. He knows he'd adore and treasure Keiji at the best of his abilities, but even he can't make sure that's enough. He thought a lot about what Sakusa told him a few months ago. What if one day he realizes that was the wrong choice for himself and that inevitably reflects on their relationship? What if his happiness slips away and there's no way for him to have it back? There is little to no chance that wouldn't reflect on his relationship, and wouldn't they both be miserable that way? 

“You weigh yourself out” his father intervenes then. “You shouldn't weigh your feelings for him or your love for us. You'll have to miss something either way, right? The one thing you shouldn't miss is yourself.” 

It's not that Koutarou didn't expect support from his parents, because he always had it and he's aware of how precious that has been to him throughout his life, but he can't help but be a bit surprised at how at ease his father sounds at the prospect of his son deciding to defect, one day. Surely they should be a little bit against it? 

His momentary disbelief must show on his face, because his mother sighs and leans forward to smile at him. “Koutarou, would you be able to do this safely?” 

“I would” he replies. Oikawa made that abundantly clear. 

“There you go then. If one day you come to us and you tell us that you're sure that's where you need to be, why would we ever stop you?” his father concludes then. “He didn't pressure you into choosing anything, so obviously we wouldn't ever do that either.” 

“That goes for the two of us as well, doesn't it, Rino?” Mone says then, her previous disappointment for not getting the whole story gone and replaced by a serious look on her face. “We'll support you no matter what.” 

“Of course we will” Rino replies quickly, her collected composure still unfazed. “And if you decide to go, we'll explain it to Mai when she's older enough to understand and you'll still be her cool uncle.” 

That night does manage to take some of the pressure off of Koutarou's shoulders, but he doesn't speed up his decision anyway. Part of it is because he wants to see what might be good for him, so he tries to find something to do with himself in Sinuiju. Rino pushes him to see how coaching little kids from the school she teaches at would go for him, and he quickly finds himself having fun with that. Mone drags him to Pyongyang while she's there for her work in December and they spend some of their nights in Sinuiju watching some of their old favorite dramas together as they've done for ages. Keiji obviously stars in some of them, and that both breaks and warms Koutarou's heart every time. 

He's still not sure. His life back home is nice, and he has fun. Sakusa said one day he'd just know, and that that knowledge would be bittersweet but a relief at the same time. Koutarou should just live and experience stuff, apparently, and then that'll somehow do it. Koutarou really hopes Sakusa wasn't just being over-dramatic – coming from Koutarou, who is completely aware of how dramatic he himself usually is, that's a statement.

Winter flies by like that, and March brings along one of the warmest springs Koutarou has ever seen. He goes back to the military village then, eager to visit his friends while they're not on active duty on the border. It's Hinata and Kageyama's last few months in the military as well, and they have already set their wedding date in July – Hinata was adamant in wanting to get married as soon as their service was over, and Kageyama clearly agreed with that. Koutarou knows that even if he comes to a decision, if he's to defect there is no way he'll do that before his friends' wedding. 

Being back in the village is odd. Hoshiumi has completely redecorated the place that used to be Sakusa's, and it's ten times messier than it had been under the latter's jurisdiction. Juri seems to have hit a massive growth spurt during the winter and, when he goes to visit Oikawa and Iwaizumi, she runs forward to hug him with at least ten times the energy Koutarou had been used to. She's currently fixated on a funny blue rabbit plush that Koutarou remembers her father buying for her while in Seoul. 

He's updated on every little thing that has happened recently around there, and it's strange, how much changed in just six months after Koutarou moved back home. If his friends wonder about what he'll ultimately decide to do with his life, they certainly do not pressure him into telling them. They do talk about Sakusa and Atsumu a lot, though – wondering how they've been doing and eagerly receiving the news that they're marrying in a month or so. Oikawa clearly has kept in contact with Kuroo, occasionally, and he doesn't fail to deliver them even the smallest information he can provide. 

He's back in Sinuiju after a couple of weeks, though, with the promise of seeing everyone again and Hinata and Kageyama's wedding in a few months, and he wonders if that trip back to the place that used to be home for years will help, somehow. 

Sinuiju, June 2024

He likes his life right now. That much he knows. He would even say he's happy. Of course he misses Keiji, he always does – he's been trying not to take that too much into the picture. He'll miss his family too, if he's to go South. He'll gain something and lose something either way, so he fears fixating on that will only send him astray. 

So, his life is good. He has nothing to complain about. But he still finds himself sitting down on the riverbank and looking across the border with China like he did when he was younger. He sits and looks and just takes his mind off of things. 

When he was a kid, he used to make up stories in his mind – about people possibly living on the other side, about anything that could be going on behind the windows of the buildings across the river. That made him smile in silence. He remembers begging his father to take him with him on his next trip to China until he finally agreed. He remembers still coming back to the riverbank even after that, this time with a new story about faceless people in his mind. 

He remembers the eagerness of knowing everything about the places he heard about; he remembers the curiosity that made him so passionate about South Korea as well, and how wild it almost had been, to be there the year before. 

He remembers craving adventure. 

He likes his life in Sinuiju – but he knows that it starts and ends there most of the time, with only a few, sporadic chances to go abroad and visit anything. He craved and craved and craved for the unknown, and that's what had made him so excited to go to China with his father, and what made him equally happy to visit Seoul a year ago. 

He realizes now, with an almost absurd clarity, that the reason he's never stopped looking at the lights is because he's never stopped craving something new, something different. He also realizes that Sakusa was damn right, because the thought hits him on a random cloudy day while he's out to take a walk before dinner as he often does. It's sudden, and it really never felt like he was making any progress in any direction until the day before. 

Now everything just screams at him. And it's not about Keiji – well, it is, but it's also not. Koutarou sits on the old and scraped bench he used to huddle on as a kid and is hit with the knowledge that his future is not in Sinuiju, or in the North. He's not sure if it is really going to be in Seoul, but he knows that's where he'll start, because that's where part of his heart has resided for over a year now. He'll start with running back to Akaashi Keiji, the one fixed point he's sure he'll never doubt, and he'll build from there. 

He gets up so quickly that his head almost spins from the dizziness and the elation, and he starts to jog back to his place with a skid in his step. 

It's probably fate that his sisters meet him halfway. 

“There you are. Can't believe we still have to come call for you for dinner like when we were kids” Rino comments, her arm linked with Mone's. 

“Were you at the river? For the lights?” Mone asks, before actually taking a look at his face. 

Koutarou doesn't really need to say anything. If there is something about his sisters it's that they've always been the fastest at understanding. And maybe that's the moment it actually hits him too, for real – because he knows he'll do this, at some point, but that doesn't mean saying goodbye won't hurt. 

“Koutarou. Come here” Rino whispers, reaching out with her arms and hugging him like she did when he was a child. 

“I'm sorry” he whispers, because he doesn't know what else to do. 

“Don't you dare say that again, alright?” Mone retorts, joining their hug. “What did we all say back in October, uh? We'll be with you anyway.” 

Koutarou will always remember that day as even more bittersweet than the day of his departure. While he can't help but feel at ease for finally having come to a conclusion, and excitement at the prospect of seeing Keiji again, his heart still breaks, and that feeling haunts him all throughout the evening. Yet, as the sun rises the morning after, he finds that his mind is still set on doing this, no matter the tears he shed and the comforting hugs he got the day before. That's when he starts thinking more clearly, his heart fluttering and squeezing at how significant this actually is, and at how this means he'll be seeing Keiji again at some point. 

God, he has so much to tell him, to share and to ask, so much he wants to live and experience with him if he'll allow that. There's so much he wishes to do, and discover, and try and he can't help a buzzing sense of excitement joining the messy mix of feelings he's growing inside his chest. 

July rolls around, and with that Hinata and Kageyama's wedding. The two of them and Hoshiumi know everything already. Koutarou had hoped to tell them after the wedding took place, out of fear of possibly saddening them, but Hinata figured everything out the moment he saw him a few days ago and just hugged him really, really tight. 

The wedding is beautiful. There are tears – Kageyama fervently denies that, but Oikawa has pictures – and laughter and hugs, and Juri is named flower girl and has a bit too much fun with that role. If Koutarou is to live with the fact that his choice will make it so he won't see his friends again, he considers himself lucky to be here to witness this one specific day at least, before he has to say goodbye. 

Every time he does something, it feels like it's the last. He remembers Sakusa saying something similar, mere months before he left the country. The last lunch together, the last time they all get drunk and laugh about it the day after. That's odd but somewhat fitting, in Koutarou's eyes, because at the very least that helps him leaving with no regrets holding him down. He'll deal with nostalgia and sadness for a long, long while, so satisfaction for the moments he could live with the people he loves who are staying behind is exactly what he's trying to achieve. 

The day of the wedding is actually when he quietly approaches Oikawa, as the party is winding down and everyone is readying himself to call it a night. He doesn't really have to say much, because Oikawa is terrifyingly perceptive sometimes, so it only takes him a long, inquisitive look straight to Koutarou's face to understand what he wishes to talk about. 

There's an odd sense of calmness that comes over Koutarou when things actually start to become real, when he and Oikawa plan how to do this, when he informs his family and assures them that everything will be alright for them and that he'll try to keep in contact whenever he can. He's scared, still, because it'd be foolish not to be, but he still looks at the lights on the other side of the river, the last few days he spends in his hometown, and it never stops feeling like the correct choice. Everything still is unknown to him: he only has ideas on what he will do in the long run, or how difficult adapting will be. But he knows that, at the very least, being with Keiji will mean being home, no matter what happens, and that's all Koutarou really needs to believe that this won't be hard, nor impossible, once he lets himself try. 

Seoul, November 2024

“Kenma says hi, by the way. Consider yourself and Akaashi invited to dinner as soon as you're settled in” Kuroo says as soon as Koutarou gets into the car. 

He's landed in Seoul no more than twenty-four hours ago, tired and jet-lagged and nonetheless amazed over how he actually did it. It's been a wild couple of months to say the least, and he had to say goodbye to his family and friends and that, ultimately, proved to be even more heartbreaking than he already knew it would. He's left the country and been in contact with different people as he went to Europe first before finally getting in contact with Kuroo Tetsurou and ultimately arriving in Seoul. 

Kuroo provided him with an apartment – with what means, Koutarou doesn't really know, and he has all the intentions of paying rent as soon as he can despite what the man says – at his own request. Seeing Keiji again is what he wants more than anything else right now, but he can't help but feel like dropping impromptu on his doorstep is a bit too much. There is so much he needs to tell him first, and that's exactly what he sets off to do the day after he lands. 

“You said he doesn't know anything? Or suspect?” 

Kuroo laughs boisterously, honking at the car in front of him for being a bit too slow for his standards. “Nope! Me and Kenma kept the silence for the surprise effect, like we did when your old captain got here. Atsumu had a total meltdown, but he denies that.” 

Keiji's is were they're going right now, because Koutarou does indeed like the surprise effect, and it's also not like there are a lot of ways to let Keiji know he's here to stay. 

“How are they then? I mean, I know they got married in spring” Koutarou asks. 

Kuroo chuckles. “On their third honeymoon right now. Well, it's not a honeymoon if you ask them, but they're, like, literally in the Maldives as we speak. Sounds like the quintessential honeymoon to me.”

“What were the other two?” Koutarou asks, frowning. 

“Paris first because God knows they're cliché like that, and Switzerland later. And Kiyoomi's making a name for himself, but you probably know that already” Kuroo elaborates. “They still don't know anything either, and they're back in a week or so if you want to pay them a visit and see how they react.” 

Koutarou has all the intentions of doing that, but he did tell Sakusa – maybe he should stop calling him Sakusa, since the man has changed his surname – that Keiji would be his priority if he ever decided to defect. 

“Right, I'm off. Got a couple meetings and stuff. Have fun and keep in contact! We're excited to have you here, man” Kuroo says then, when he drops him off not too far away from were Keiji lives. 

Koutarou realizes then, midway between the car and Keiji's place, that maybe he should have thought of something to say. Or maybe he should have actually asked Kuroo to let Keiji know in advance, because he's just about to ring his doorbell and say hi like it hasn't almost been two years since they've last seen each other. 

He'd like to say he has no expectations, but he'd lie to himself. He knows his feelings were shared, and if his have never subsided, a big part of him tells him that Keiji's haven't either. But that doesn't mean he knows where to go from here. What happens now? Does he say hi like it's nothing and expect Keiji to say something back? Do they pick up from where they left or do they straight up build something anew? Feelings aside, does Keiji rationally, actually want that all of a sudden? Will Koutarou impose? How much do they have to figure out?

In the end, he rings the doorbell while purposefully looking down and swaying on his own feet as he waits for the door to open. 

It's crazy, why would he even come up with this? He should have called ahead. How the fuck did Kiyoomi do it? Actually, no, who cares, him and Atsumu have always shared a very specific flair for dramatics. And Atsumu knew they were going to see each other again. He and Keiji never made that promise to each other, so really, Koutarou is showing up unannounced on a Saturday morning and - 

“Hello, is something the ma-”

Never mind. Koutarou should come up with something smart and possibly sweet to say right now and yet his mind is drawing a blank. All he can do is look up and be as starstruck as he had been when he saw Keiji for the very first time, and he's so beautiful and Koutarou can't really believe he ever thought that he could possibly live a life without him in it. 

Actually, he does think about something, and it's so sudden that it almost makes him lose his balance. Because the thing is that Keiji is looking at him with a mixture of disbelief and actual adoration in his eyes, and Koutarou can't help but see exactly himself in his gaze. That's how he always looked at him, too, and he's sure he's doing it right now as well. And suddenly Koutarou wonders how it only comes to him now, the realization that he loves Akaashi Keiji. He remembers being in doubt, back then, and yet now it seems so clear, and so obvious, because Koutarou gets to name his own feelings, after all. And he really finds there is no more fitting name for what he feels for the man in front of him. 

“I'm not dreaming, right?” 

Oh. Koutarou should probably say something. 

“No. No, you aren't, I...” he murmurs, scratching his head, “Maybe I should have told you in advance instead of just showing up, sorry” 

Keiji just looks at him in silence for a few seconds, and Koutarou shares his gaze, trying to convey all of his affections with that one quiet gesture. Then, Keiji lets out a breath that sounds like – and probably is – a sob and throws himself at him. Koutarou finds himself returning the hug with the same force, and maybe that's exactly what he missed most of all. The shared, quiet intimacy, and all the silent conversations they used to have in the time they spent together the year before, the way they could look at each other in silence and understand nonetheless what had been going on in the other's head. The hug they share somehow conveys everything about the months they spent apart. All the longing and all the things they wished they could have said before they parted ways. 

It's alright, the hug seems to say, we'll have time for that now.

“I missed you so much” Keiji whispers at that point, his face buried against Koutarou's chest. They're still on the doorstep, and anyone could pass by and find that sudden display of emotion, but Koutarou doesn't care, and he doubts Keiji does, either. 

“I'm here here, by the way. Like, not in a secret mission sort of way, but in a definitive kind of way” Koutarou murmurs, just for the sake of saying it out loud, but he knows that it doesn't really matter. Keiji probably got that already. All the words that Koutarou had earlier been wishing he could come up with don't really matter now, because everything is just so clear – how much they care, how much they feel, how much they longed for each other. It's all there, in a hug that doesn't really seem to end. 

Koutarou doesn't need Keiji to say anything, either. He knows already. But still...

“I love you” Keiji says, not really getting away from him but raising his head enough to look at him, “I really, really love you. And I want to learn to love you even more now, if you're up for it.” 

Koutarou's eyes shouldn't feel so wet, because he knew, he realized the moment Keiji wrapped his arms around him that love was how they both decided to call what they have. But there is a certain kind of specific emotion that warms his heart after hearing those words out loud. So, he just lets out a breathless, ecstatic laugh and cups Keiji's cheeks with all the reverence he's capable off. 

“I really, really love you too” he replies, voice firmer than ever, and then leans down to kiss him. 

The first few weeks of Koutarou's new life are a whirlwind. Finding his place isn't immediate, nor he ever expected it would be. He considers himself lucky, though, because everyone around him doesn't think twice before doing everything they can to make him feel comfortable, like somehow he always belonged there. It's ups and downs really – some moments are as emotional as they could be, and he's not sure who between himself, Atsumu and Kiyoomi cries harder when they meet again; some others are difficult, and the reality of everything that has happened in his life recently hits Koutarou with renewed force. 

Some days nostalgia hits, as Kiyoomi immediately told him it would, and it takes him a while to actually be able to cry about it in front of Keiji without fearing that the other would feel at guilt over that. Some days he finds himself wondering how sisters are doing, or if Hinata and Kageyama are adapting to their new married life. Some days, though, even if there is still so much Koutarou needs to figure out, are just right. He adapts, he learns, he grows and finds a million different ways he could call this place home. He goes out with Keiji and their relationship molds into something that is just theirs without ever needing to try too hard. 

No matter the day, no matter how he feels, Koutarou spends the evenings with Keiji besides him, looking at the lights out of the window. They're different than the ones he used to gaze at as a kid, but they help him realize that this is exactly how things were always supposed to go, for him. Maybe there will be new lights to watch, new wonders and new wishes he'll harbor within himself; maybe those things will lead him to new places he didn't even think about visiting, one day or another. Maybe they won't. 

Koutarou finds it doesn't matter. What matters, in the end, is that he doesn't mind turning away from the lights anymore – he lets his gaze trail to his right, and remembers that they'll always lead him to the one person who feels like home.