Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There’s a familiar feeling of dread pooling in Jin’s abdomen as he places his regular order at the coffee shop across his street. His heart pounds, his palms turn clammy as he hands the cashier, Yoongi, an old friend of his, the payment.

Yoongi looks at him nervously. “Um…” He hesitantly starts looking nervously at one of the booths. “Jin-hyung…” he continues as he hands back Jin’s change. Yoongi's eyes examine him testily, if he's calm enough to handle this. God knows Yoongi had his fair share of -calm down Seokjin- nights. “Yeah?” Jin replies, busying himself by putting his change back to the deepest pockets of his bag. He’s been dreading this moment for the past 6 months. It’s closing to seven now that he thinks about it more. Of course it happens on the day he planned to spend at home leaving him with no excuse to escape. “He’s back hyung.” Yoongi says flatly, the way he usually says things that makes him scared.

“What do you mean?” Jin says quietly, still looking down, biting his lip and hoping this wasn’t really happening right now. “You know what I mean. He’s waiting for you. You know where.” Yoongi says finally, after a quiet moment and a heavy breath. He turns his back and goes to prepare Jin’s drink by the blenders inside the prep room. Jin is left alone in the coffee shop. His eyes dart around.

There is an odd couple eating what seems to be breakfast at the smoking area and another group of three students burning through coffee with laptops illuminating their faces and earphones probably set to blaring. Other than that, there is only one person left. He’s waiting in the middle booth by the window, back against Jin and his hands are cupping what is probably a 2 pump Americano half-milk, venti. He stares at Namjoon for a few moments.

He doesn’t turn to look at Jin, nor does he drink the coffee he’s holding. His hair is a light gray now, clearly dyed but it still looks soft and immaculate, and Jin’s heart pounds even harder as he sees Namjoon run his fingers through his hair. It was – is – his nervous habit. He knows that sweater, it’s his, he recognizes that frayed sleeve anywhere, but he was sure they returned things to each other seven months ago. Yoongi returns with his order and he sees Jin just staring dumbly at the regular booth. 

Jin bristles as he hears a loud “One venti soy mocha frappe for Seokjin!” from Yoongi and he swears that the world spins quicker and the air gets denser. Namjoon turns at his name and his eyes blink slowly, trying to see if what he is seeing is real. Jin sways to the claiming counter, the world spinning too fast and the air getting too dense for his legs, his lungs. His hands are shaking as he grabs his drink. From the corner of his eye he sees Namjoon stand up and his lungs quit at this moment. He turns toward the exit to quickly get out of the café but stops. Namjoon steps half out of the booth but stops, remembering his promise to Jin seven months ago.

7 months ago

“I won’t come back unless you want me to, and I know you probably want me gone after this, gone forever but here’s my new number if you change your mind. I’ll go back when you want to see me, but I have to go now Seokjinnie.” Namjoon says as he strokes Jin’s fingers from across the café booth. It was only Namjoon that ever called Jin Seokjin/Seokjinnie and he still melts even if everything is about to break down.

“What if I want to see you tomorrow?” Jin mumbles out, trying to contain the sadness, the anger, the welling up of hurt that can’t seem to disappear. Namjoon retracts his hand and lays them on top of each other, as if praying for Jin to understand. “I’m sorry Seokjin, you know I hate to do this, but I have to.” This infuriates Jin, more than anything. Namjoon has never HAD to do anything in his life. Nobody could force the little shithead to do anything.

“The thing is, you don’t really have to go. We’re fine as it is. I need you Joon. And I’m saying this not to make you stay… I’m saying this to make you realize why you don’t HAVE to go.” Jin says rushed, heatedly and he knows what he said probably doesn’t make that much sense but as of now he’d try speaking to Namjoon in any language just to make him stay. Namjoon’s head is bowed down as he stares up at Jin through his dark bangs. “I have to. This… this is holding us back Jinnie. You’ll only feel bad about this in the long run.” Namjoon sighs and he stands up. He hovers for a while, testing if Jin would be fine.

He’s just staring at where Namjoon’s hands were and Namjoon moves to step out of the booth. He feels Jin’s hands circle his wrist and it makes him stutter in his step. “Don’t go. I don’t know what’s gotten into your head, making you believe that you have to leave, that we have to be you and me and not us but I know what you’re going through, how it feels to go through it alone. I’m telling you I need you, not to make you stay, but because it’s the truth. You’re clinically depressed Namjoon and I need to be here for you. I can’t let you go, not when you’re like this. Please…just please don’t leave.” Jin says in a heavy rushed breath, grip getting tighter with each word.

Namjoon’s chest aches. He needs to do this, and the fact that Seokjin doesn’t understand that makes more reasons for them to take a break. Gently, he pries Seokjin’s fingers off. “I’m sorry, hyung.” Jin visibly cringes at the formality they stopped using years ago. “I have to do this. Especially because you can’t understand why I have to. I have to do this hyung, because I can’t just live like you’re the air I breathe. I have to stop being us for a while so I can fully understand why I’m unhappy.” Namjoon kneels down to wipe the tears flowing from Seokjin’s face. There’s nothing worse than seeing the person you love unhappy. Maybe that’s why he feels so bad about being depressed with Seokjin watching.

“Aren’t you tired of me being so tragic and sad all the time? Don’t you think you – I deserve better than a depressed Namjoon? Please, just let me try and be better for you, for me. Let me be selfish. I promise… I’ll be back. You know? Even if you don’t want me to be. But one day I’ll be waiting for you right here and you’ll be the one with the choice of leaving or staying, and you’d understand why I chose to do this – leaving.” Namjoon says finally, standing up again, holding Seokjin’s limp fingers as Seokjin stares up at him indignantly.

“You’re wrong Namjoon. I’ll never understand why we have to be apart when we clearly love each other still. You still love me at least? I know it’s needy to ask but-“

“Of course, hyung.”

“Then don’t go. I don’t understand what about -us being together- keeps you from getting better. Am I holding you back Joonie? Is that it?” Jin looks up at him, clearly hurt with the thought of being a cause of Namjoon’s biggest demon.

“No hyung! That’s not it, it’s just, I have to fix this you know. I can’t let you fix it because it’s my problem, only I can fix it and I don’t know what’s happening entirely – I’m so close to breaking down and just shutting myself indoors for 3 straight weeks and if I’m with you, I can consider that as an option because I know you’d take care of me and love me still but - I need to force myself out. And I know you won’t do it.” Seokjin’s eyebrows furrow and hurt glistens in his eyes like it’s something beautiful and Namjoon’s just sick of seeing tragedy as something artful.

“It’s been 2 years and you just love me regardless and I’m going to continue like this, being fine with being depressed because you love me in spite of it- but I don’t love myself hyung. I’m not happy and I’m tired of letting you see me like this.” He finishes, breathing out the air he doesn’t know he’s been holding and Jin still doesn’t seem to get it.

“So I love you too much… that’s why you’re leaving? You’re leaving because I love you in spite of your depression? I don’t know if that makes sense Namjoon, it feels like you’re just making excuses and I’m so tired, especially these last two years, watching you fall down and what if it’s my fault? Is that what you’re saying?”

“No hyung – “

“Then leave. Don’t come back, if that’s the only way you’d be happy. Go on. Do what you want. God knows I’ve been forcing you to do things for the past 2 years too much. I’m sorry. Now please, leave.” Jin says finally, wiping the final tears he’s been shedding and turning to face the window instead of Namjoon.

He’s going about this all wrong, Namjoon thinks, and it’s not really going the way he expected it to. He wanted Seokjin to understand, to make the break as amicable as possible. But it seems like it won’t happen and he would never get to leave if Seokjin wasn’t upset with him. He tries - a final time.

"Hyung-“ he says as he puts his hand on Seokjin’s left shoulder. “Leave Namjoon. When you see me again, don’t blame me if I do the same.” Seokjin says coldly and Namjoon flinches internally. The hurt is incomparable really, his gut feels so heavy he just might lie down on the floor for a bit and wallow in sadness. “Okay Jinnie. I promise to go – and understand your choice as you understand mine.”

present

His hands are shaking as he grabs his drink. From the corner of his eye he sees Namjoon stand up and his lungs quit at this moment. He turns toward the exit to quickly get out of the café but stops.

Namjoon steps half out of his booth but hesitates and it’s enough to make Jin turn. He doesn’t know what he’s thinking, why he’s saying these things but he is and it’s enough to make Namjoon’s resolve crumble.

“It’s nice seeing you, but I’m going to leave now and I know you’ll understand.”

Jin says and turns again to walk toward the exit. He hitches his bag with his left hand and drinks a sip with his right hand. It doesn’t matter that his right hand is shaking and he spills some of his drink, he leaves through the doors and is halfway out when Namjoon’s fingers grab onto his shoulders and stops him.

“Seokjin wait, wait a minute.” He follows as Seokjin tries to leave. “I mean it hyung let me speak for at least a minute.” He says and Seokjin sighs. Jin knows it’s petty, and a bit cruel, especially considering the last time he refused to hear Namjoon out led to this exact situation, so he gives in, but just a bit. “You’re minute is running down.” He says, and Namjoon blinks in hurt at the cruelty but nevertheless carries on.

“I told you I’d understand you decision, if you understood mine, and the fact that you still chose to leave means that you haven’t. Please stay. Give me at least this day.” He says hopefully and Seokjin’s eyes narrow down at him.

“I have better things to do Namjoon. We aren’t at a place where I’d pick you over anything, you made sure of that.” Seokjin says and Namjoon’s heart breaks a little more, if only for the fact that he knows the truth. “I’ve asked Yoongi-hyung Seokjin. He told me that you called telling him you’d be spending the day at home and if he could drop by later with your lunch. Please, just give me the day. And if you haven’t changed your mind, I’ll promise to change mine.” Namjoom half begs and Seokjin’s resolve crumbles.

“Okay.” Seokjin sighs out, free hand falling limp at his side.

“Okay? Did you say okay Seokjin?” Namjoon clarifies.

“Yes – “ Seokjin doesn’t get a chance to respond as he’s getting dragged back to the café.

Chapter Text

Seokjin stares too hard out the window, Namjoon thinks.  He already worked out everything he had to say, practiced the last 2 months on how to convince Seokjin to take him back, to finally hold his hand the way Namjoon does in his dreams. “Seokjin.” he mentions, after picking hard at the open journal in between the two of them.

It’s Namjoon’s self-healing journal, as he’d like to call it. Contained on the pages are the words Namjoon had wanted to say to Seokjin the previous seven months but had no chance to, because of his promise of leaving.  “I’m here to hear you out, so why aren’t you saying anything?” Seokjin says, looking at him with toxic eyes, or maybe, hurt. Namjoon doesn’t know which is better.

“Seokjinnie-“

“God stop saying my name like that. You can’t, I’m not allowing you to.” Seokjin snaps and Namjoon is taken aback. “I- I’m sorry… I know we left in really bad terms-“ Namjoon starts but once again Seokjin cuts him off.

“Bad terms? Namjoon I-“ he seems at a lost for words, for a minute. But he continues on, having too much to say to a person who’s been too long gone.
“I don’t know how it went in your point of view Namjoon, but the last time I saw you, you ran off with every ounce of happiness I had and didn’t leave a sensible explanation for it.” Seokjin says, eyes full of hurt and fingers tapping the table at every point. “That’s not what I meant to do, hyung.”

“But that’s what you did, and I know – the world is never fair – but I never thought you’d be one of the people that would entertain that idea. Just because you were/are depressed – are you still? – “ Seokjin pauses and even if Namjoon is just shell shocked and doesn’t answer, he continues.

“Anyways, just because you were or are still depressed doesn’t give you the right to take other people’s feelings for granted. I know I didn’t understand much of what you were going through but god damn it Namjoon, when I said make me understand, I didn’t expect you to hurt me so much to do so.”

He stops, finally, and Namjoon is so close to crying that he doesn’t know where gets his courage to speak. All he knows is what he did wasn’t fair to either of them, but necessary, and it was horrible the world has made things that way but the least Namjoon could do is try to fix things after he breaks them.

“I’m sorry Seokjin. I never meant for you to feel that way. But do you understand now, why I had to go? Why depending on you was unhealthy for the both of us?” he asks quietly, mumbling.

“That isn’t your decision to make! God. You didn’t even give me space to get a word in. What happened wasn’t mutual Namjoon. It was you wanting to leave and me being too hurt to stop you. So what is it now? What do you have to say? This is it? Me ranting and you being too quiet to help? It feels an awful lot like last time, an awful. Awful. Lot.” Seokjin shakes his head with every hurtful word and Namjoon knows he deserves it.

He knows there were flaws to his plans, the biggest one was Seokjin getting hurt, but there are things he couldn’t avoid. “Seokjin-hyung I am sorry. I am so sorry – first of all – I wanted you to know that before anything else because what happened- I hated it. I hated myself for it and I hated the world for it but it had to happen. I had to be alone to heal me , at least you understand that part? Right?” He asks Seokjin and Seokjin just stares at him, hard and long.

Of course he knew. God, maybe he knew all along that getting Namjoon dependent on him was a bad idea but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t know how to deal with depression or any kind of hurt for that matter other than to try and take it all away. He gets Namjoon’s point – he truly does- but he left so suddenly with just a day’s notice that Seokjin is still hurting from everything.

“Yes, I understand. But you left Joonie, just like that “ he says as he slams his palm on the wooden table. “So fucking suddenly and you just expect me to take you back? I didn’t just lose my boyfriend that day Joonie, I lost my best friend and it has been SO fucking lonely with just Yoongi and Taehyung – “ Seokjin stops, staring at Namjoon’s whose face is in agony – in wet salty agony – and he throws him some tissues before he continues.

“You know why? Because they aren’t YOU. But you weren’t there and I threw away your stupid new number – and – and- God – “ Seokjin breaks and he sobs into his hands.

And they sit there, both crying into shaking hands that missed holding each other for too long and Namjoon can’t do anything but try and stop because he only has today, and a day just might not be enough if it’s the last one he has with Seokjin.

“Hyung-“ he says softly as he tries to pry Seokjin’s fingers from his face. They let go quite easily, he’s surprised to see and he wipes Seokjin’s face with the same tissues he threw at him. When Seokjin’s done, he crumples up the napkins and sets them aside and holds Seokjin’s hands in between his.

“Seokjinnie- let’s play a game.” He says softly and Seokjin looks up. “Three things?” he asks quietly and Namjoon melts. “Yes, three things.”

Three things was a game the two of them played, usually at four in the morning when Namjoon couldn’t quite fall asleep, time restless and unforgiving. Seokjin tells him three stories and Namjoon has to figure out the common thing between the three of them.

Usually, it was something small and minute, like leaves were falling on those three days. Other times, it was an abstract concept that Namjoon never gets – like those days were the days that Seokjin felt like going away to different places and never coming back. Nevertheless, it was their thing and he wanted to remind Seokjin of all the familiar ways he held his hand through the dark.

“The first thing- the day we met.” Namjoon starts and Seokjin pulls away his hand.

"Do you remember the day we met?" Namjoon asks, and Seokjin can't help but grin slightly. There's a sadness to the upturned corners of his mouth that Namjoon can't quite place, and he's ashamed because he's sure he's the one that put it there. He catches himself though, and tries to look flaccidly at the window.

"Yes, how could I forget?" he replies, somehow out of breath and Namjoon laughs at this. It was his 3rd most memorable experience so far, and even if he hasn't led a well off life, he's a had a lot of experiences in the pursuit of everything good.

Yoongi comes with their orders of sourcream potato wedges, and more tissues. Jin looks pointedly at Yoongi but takes the napkins anyways, folding them into the palm of his hand.

"You don't know how I saw it though, in my eyes." Namjoon continues, and he doubts their food would even get touched. "God, Seokjin, you came and I know it's been so overused but every experience since then could be categorized to before you or after you" Namjoon says and Seokjin scoffs at him.

"Where do you categorize now?" he asks and Namjoon falls silent. "and now I don't know where we are...I don't want this to be categorized to 'after you decide to leave', Seokjin..." Namjoon says, and Seokjin stares at him pointedly, doubting.

"And? What am I to make of that?" Seokjin asks sadly, looking down, and Namjoon can't reply, because really, what was he to do? It was in the past and all Namjoon could do is replay the memory until it hurt in the deepest part of his brain.

Because Seokjin isn't there to remember it with him. "I was having a bad day, I clearly remember that at least. Do you remember how miserable I looked?" he continues off handedly with a laugh, hoping to turn the conversation to a more light hearted note.

There is sorrow in Seokjin's eyes that he didn't miss seeing and it brings him as much sadness as well. Seokjin thinks about things for a bit, Namjoon sees it in the way his brow notches, the way he bites his lip and he says, "Yes, you were wearing that ratty old t-shirt while balancing about 5 books in your arms. You never did manage to tell me what you were doing that day." Seokjin says, filling in some gaps for Namjoon.

"It's good to hear you haven't forgotten Seokjinnie. That was one of the weirdest days of my life. Remember the waffle mix?" Namjoon sighs in relief. Now that Seokjin is more willing to remember, to feel good, he can work with that. Seokjin laughs at that and answers out "Oh god that waffle mix. That was everywhere for weeeeeks." with a breathy laugh. And Namjoon misses this, more than he'd care to admit.

The past seven months were a plethora of lonely nights and lonelier mornings, days when he would go out on walks and not care where he was going, because he wasn't going home (to Seokjin) and pathways do not seem like pathways if you do not see anything waiting at the end.

Control and good-faith were never things he had much of but he had to embody them now, because Seokjin's patience is fragile and something he isn't willing to break anymore for the sake of being selfish.

"Yes, I was on my way back from my thesis group - after they lost all our data -" he adds, continuing his story, and Seokjin starts with a potato wedge and nods at him to continue. "and I was having the shittiest day you know, but you were there, stuck outside your apartment at 2:00 in the morning and I didn't know what to do with you."

Chapter Text

The day they met

Namjoon walks up to the apartment unit he had halved with his brother, Taehyung. The elevator is out of order and the murderous climb up 4 flights of stairs was enough to make him winded - with bringing 5 heavy humanities books as well.

He stops outside his door and was almost all the way in their threshold when he hears someone say his name. "Excuse me? Kim Namjoon-ssi?" he hears his name called and steps out again. Sitting by the door 2 units away is a man with broad shoulders and tired looking eyes, staring up at him half-asleep.

"Yes... That's me..." Namjoon replies, setting the books to stop the door from fully closing. "I'm Kim Seokjin, I live in 4F but I got locked out and my roommate won't wake up. Do you mind if I take your couch or your floor I mean it's fine as long as it's indoors, I've been dying of the cold and my back is sooo fucking sore and just please, I'll pay you and all -" The strange man - Seokjin-ssi scrambles up as he says this, rushing through syllables with his tongue half asleep and Namjoon is kind of coerced to accomodation.

 "I - uh - yeah sure just here wait let me get that for you," he says, helping Seokjin-ssi  with his things, a strange collection of a backpack, a potted cactus and a 2kg pack of waffle mix. "Thanks I was already accepting the idea of sleeping it out here for the fifth time - I forget my keys a lot you see" Seokjin-ssi mumbles as he enters Namjoon's apartment. "Oh thank god you have an actual couch-" he groans and drops the bag he’s got hitched over his shoulder.

Namjoon is in a bit of a shock, not really used to overbearing strangers but it was 2 in the morning and he’s tired as well. It was one of those days where everything just kept going WRONG and he couldn’t wait for his bed any longer. There’s this dull ache at the base of his neck from forcing himself to stay awake the entire with only just 3 hours of sleep the previous night and he couldn’t help but want to sleep in all day.

“Just settle in or whatever – “ he mutters in the general direction of the living room, taking his shoes off and throwing them carelessly under his bed. He moves the clutter off the center and onto the sides when Seokjin-ssi replies. “Hey um thanks by the way, I’ll leave as early as I could and – I owe you I guess whatever that means, if you ever get locked out, we don’t have a couch but we have a blow up mattress…” Seokjin mumbles off, voice getting more quiet as the words take longer and Namjoon crashes on his pillows.

But he couldn’t sleep.

Again, it was one of those days that the universe was just really cruel. His insomnia hits and however exhausted his body is, hi mind wouldn’t shut up. Namjoon felt like crying. He’s proabably going to fall asleep at 7 in the morning again and he’s going to crash the next day.

He goes out and tries to calm himself down, his cluttered bedroom not really making a good place for him to calm down. Walking to the kitchen, he hears Taehyung’s loud snoring from the other room and adds that to the list of things that’s keeping him up. Their surprise guest surprisingly makes no sound and Namjoon tries to even his breathing as he walks to the small kettle they always have ready – filled with water in case Namjoon gets more of his nights like this, where he has to make himself a cup of tea to calm himself down.

He opens the top shelf where all his sleeping help is contained -  a variety of pills and melatonin substitutes, manuals on meditation, a USB filled with calming music and whatever delta wave fad Taehyung thinks is cool, and lastly, the big Tupperware filled with various teas ranging from chamomile to rooibos. He chooses a staple chamomile and takes the USB as well, letting it fall into his left jean pocket.

When the water boils, he takes a random white mug and fills it – maybe too much and submerges the tea bag in.

There’s a torturous long wait until its ready, and Namjoon just clutches the edges of the counter to try and keep himself from breaking down. Finally, it’s ready and he drains the teabag and throws it in the trashcan under the sink -  which again, Taehyung forgot to empty. He’s on his way to his balcony, if it even could be considered a balcony, when he registers a shadow sitting in his regular place there.

He looks at the couch and now it makes sense that their guest, Seokjin-ssi wasn’t making any noise. It’s because he isn’t there. He shuffles forward, opening the sliding door of the balcony and Seokjin’s there, sitting with his back against the wall, looking up at the street lamp across their street.

“Hi – Seokjin-ssi?” he asks tentatively and Seokjin turns. His eyes are squinting from looking too much at the street lamp and he stands up immediately. “Oh – um hi, Namjoon-ssi- I’m sorry I just, my roommate called. The reason he isn’t answering is because his grandfather just died, and he’s been on the train back to Daegu. I’m a bit upset so I can’t sleep and – “ Seokjin-ssi rambles and Namjoon can’t help but feel sorry.

“It’s okay Seokjin-ssi, I was just about to offer you some tea?” Namjoon says solemnly, passing his cup to Seokjin who receives it with his sweater covered palms,  a glint of gratefulness in his eyes. “Hey, yeah thanks…” he mumbles and puts the cup down on the ledge. Namjoon eyes him wearily. The man looks a bit too worse for wear, but in the light of the moon, he looks aglow with his shining eyes and sad mouth, a sad thing – but beautiful.

“Do you – need to be alone? I’m sorry for asking but I step out for a bit if I’m sleepless so if you want company –“

“Yes, oh, for sure!”  Seokjin replies hurriedly with a gulp of his tea.

“Great! I’ll just brew some more tea and come back.” Namjoon says as he steps back. The walk to the kitchen seems faster than before, and the wait for the tea to brew seems infinities longer. Finally, he decided to take a blanket as well as he takes his way back to the balcony.

“Here.” He hands down to Seokjin, who is sitting on the floor, and the other nods gratefully. “Thank you, how did you know I was cold?” he asked quietly. His fingers were turning blue when Namjoon handed him the cup – not that Namjoon noticed because he was hyper-aware of the other man’s hands – but it seemed like the host-ly thing to do – offering a blanket. “I just thought I should offer you one, it’s getting pretty cold already this month.” He says as he takes his own seat a bit beside the other.

“Thank you.” Seokjin says finally.

A calm silence fills the air as Namjoon stares up at the streetlamp across his street. What a shame he couldn’t see the moon.

“From my apartment, you could actually see it.” Seokjin says and Namjoon looks at him nervously. “Oh I didn’t mean to say that out loud but… that’s nice. I should have rented that one.” He replies with a shake of his head and a nervous sip at his cup. “You couldn’t. I saw you guys move in, so I was first there.” Seokjin says with a light chuckle and Namjoon swears he doesn’t feel his heart speed up.

“How is it that you know my name, I forgot to ask.” Namjoon says after a few more beats of silence. At first he hadn’t wondered how the person knew him, but now that he thinks about it more, it was odd since they really haven’t met yet or at least introduced themselves to each other.

“Oh, that! I checked everyone’s mailbox a while ago, so I could call their name. I’m a bit desperate you see, I’m not really one for sleeping on hardwood floors on a winter night.” Seokjin says sadly, enough for Namjoon to realize that he was indeed a regular locked-out-of-my-apartment kind of person.

“Well, you’re always free to knock on our door. But – yeah – here let’s meet formally.” Namjoon says, putting down his cup. “My name is Kim Namjoon, 1994 - Ilsan native, I went to Seoul to get my degree , music production by the way” he says as he reaches his hand out. He can see Seokjin stare at him testily and he’d be lying to himself if didn’t make him nervous. Finally, Seokjin puts down his cup and offers his hand as well.

“I’m your hyung then, Kim Seokjin, from Gyeonggi-do so I’m really just nearby but I moved to Seoul to hopefully build my own restaurant – culinary major by the way – from Sookmyung” he says and Namjoon can’t help but be impressed. Sookmyung is one of the most prestigious integrated culinary schools in Seoul with an English program that Namjoon always wanted to attend.

Namjoon says this and he swears that for the first time, all the chamomile tea in the world couldn’t make him sleepy when his conversation with Seokjin lasts for an hour more.

Of course, after a while, his body could only take so much and he begins to yawn in exhaustion. Seokjin blinks at him and laughs. “We better get inside? You still seem really exhausted – even from when I just saw you in the hallway.” He says as he stands up and reaches out a hand for Namjoon to grab. Namjoon reaches up and he swears their hands stayed a bit tied for a little longer than necessary as he leans down to grab his cup.

“Yeah- yeah-hyung I guess so.” He laughs and heads in.

He’s a few steps near his bedroom when he hears his name.

“Namjoon.” Seokjin calls out and Namjoon tried not to spin around too fast. ”Yes hyung?” he asks and Seokjin is standing there with his back being lit up by the streetlamp – Namjoon couldn’t think of a more mind-numbing view.

“Can I – can I stay here tomorrow? Yoongi , my roommate, doesn’t come home until the day after that – and I still have class the next day – and –“

“It’s okay hyung.” Namjoon laughs and closes the door because honestly, he’s so nervous he couldn’t take anymore.

Present

Namjoon pauses his story as Seokjin leans back, hands rubbing his face. “I know what happened Namjoon, I was there.” He says and Namjoon laughs.

“You’re not letting me finish.” He says, and he sees that Seokjin wants to hear more, from the way his elbow is propped up on the table, chin resting on it and eyes blinking doubtfully at him. “You better hurry up before I decide to leave – you’re getting pretty boring.” He mutters, shoving another potato wedge into his mouth.

Namjoon preens at the sight. Seokjin ate so well that Namjoon couldn’t help but miss him terribly, from his fingers to the tip of his nose, there’s this feeling of just wanting to touch Seokjin. And the fact that he can’t makes it more tragic and beautiful. He steals glances of Seokjin – when he isn’t looking. He doesn’t know how to describe it – having someone so near but so unreachable. It was as if he was looking at his clock, wanting the time to move slower, but the seconds hand still pushes at a steady pace and his heart breaks because he cannot make the world into what he wants.

“I miss you.” Namjoon says suddenly, and Seokjin tenses up. Half a heartbeat of silence later – Namjoon counts – and Seokjin replies. “I was never away Joonie… I stayed.” he says with sad eyes and Namjoon doesn’t know where he gets the heart to continue his story. 5 million heartbeats later – Namjoon thinks, he didn’t count – Seokjin clears his breath with a cough.

“Anyways… go on. You fell in love with me, the streetlamp lighting me from behind –  what else Namjoon” Seokjin says with a laugh that somehow made things lighter. “Okay – remember when I got back from university the next day?’