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Dating Lute was, by no means, an easy or simple thing.
You knew even before dating her that Lute had a fierce temper and some rather violent inclinations for an angel. You doubted there was a soul in Heaven who didn’t know that about her.
But you’d never been bothered by her more aggressive instincts. Couldn’t be.
She worked tirelessly to protect Heaven as the lieutenant of their army, as Adam’s second-in-command. You may not have understood the full extent of what the exorcists did at the time, but even back then it made sense to you that she’d be on the fiercer side.
And, you’d be lying if you said that you didn’t find that viciousness of hers to be attractive.
Even then, you understood that her aggression was always a result of her determination to keep Heaven safe.
Of course you also got to see a softer side of her once you started dating. The side of Lute who’d wrap you up in her arms and tuck you under her wings, quietly holding you so tightly it was as if she was afraid you’d slip through her fingers if she didn’t.
The sharp edges were still there, even when together. You doubted that they’d ever go away.
But she always tried to dull them when with you, tried to keep her temper in check, to not scare you away by lashing out. Though you’ve told her time and time again that there was nothing she could do that would scare you off.
Being with Lute also meant that, by extension, you wound up spending more time with Adam after you started dating her than you had in your entire time in Heaven. It was an…interesting… change in your life.
Adam was certainly larger than life and had the personality to match, and he could be a bit overwhelming at times with his behavior. But, he was still Lute’s best friend.
It was clear just how much they cared about one another, and you were genuinely happy for her to have someone she could depend on like him.
Learning just what their soldiers, their exorcists did was certainly a surprise, and you couldn’t deny that you had mixed feelings about the extermination after it came to light.
Lute had skulked back into your shared apartment that night, and when you asked her to explain what was going on, to explain the extermination, she’d lashed and snapped at you in a feeble way to mask how scared she was. Scared that this truth would be the end of your relationship.
It wouldn’t.
As shocking as the news was, you weren’t going to turn your back on her. The relief Lute had felt had been clear in the way she’d held you and thanked you and told you she loved you over and over again that night.
That was the first night you suggested joining the exorcists. Knowing now what kind of threats Lute had to fight to keep heaven safe; you wanted to fight alongside her, wanted to be able to protect her the same way she always fought to protect you. You wanted to keep the woman you loved safe.
Her reaction, her answer, had been instantaneous. Anger. The life of an exorcist was too dangerous, too violent; it wasn’t a life she wanted you to live. You were not joining them, no matter what.
Well, angels couldn’t be killed. Not by demons, at least. So even if you worried for her, you’d let it be, taking comfort in that one simple truth.
Only, it’s not the truth, and the realization had been a painful one.
The extermination came, and Hell had forced them to retreat. So many—too many—exorcists died. Adam died. Lute had lost her arm. The image of her as untouchable, impervious, had been shattered.
Lute had told you no, but now you knew that she could be hurt, now you knew the demons could take her away from you, too.
Adam had been confident he couldn’t be touched, couldn’t be killed, and now he’s gone. Lute had boasted about her prowess, how nothing could hurt her, and she came back battered and broken.
You couldn’t lose her. Couldn’t sit back while she went to battle, waiting for her to come back, wondering if she would come back.
Lute had told you no, and you knew she would be furious, but you had to do this.
The moment she saw you in the exorcists' training room, there had been a brief flash of excitement in her eyes. It wasn’t as if you’ve never come to the exorcist's headquarters before; you’ve swung by plenty of times when visiting her.
But that excitement faded when she realized the uniform you were wearing and noticed the training weapon in your hands and the realization hit her.
“Lute!” you had greeted happily, always happily when it was Lute you saw, turning away from the exorcist you had been training with.
She crossed the room in seconds, footsteps thundering in the loud room, her gaze burning as it locked on you. She was mad. She was beyond mad. You’d expected this, knew that she’d react like this, but—
It still made you shrink back to be on the receiving end of that rage.
“Lieutenant,” your partner greeted, back straight and head raised, stiff as a mannequin.
Lute glanced at her, at the dulled practice sword she held, and then at the bruises you were covered in from all the attacks you’d failed to deflect. That rage flickered hotter for a brief moment.
There was no warning as Lute snatched you by the wrist and dragged you out of the training room. Your practice sword clattered to the floor as you stumbled after her, wincing at the sudden pain.
Though Lute didn’t seem to notice. Or maybe she just didn’t care in this moment.
The other angels in the hall immediately made room for them, pressing themselves to the walls to stay out of Lute’s way, afraid of being caught in the crossfire of what was about to happen.
You struggled to pull yourself from her grip, but no matter how hard you tugged, you couldn’t break free.
Lute’s grip was tight as she dragged you into an empty storage room, practically throwing you even as she refused to let you go, slamming the door shut behind the both of you. She didn’t even bother to turn on the lights, letting the glow of your halos illuminate the small space.
“Lute—”
“What do you think you’re doing?!”
She cut you off, slamming you into the wall with enough force to knock the air out of your lungs in a sharp gasp. Flinching as you felt something sharp on the wall press into your wing.
“Prancing around in the training room, like you’re an actual exorcist?” Lute’s lip curled back in a snarl, eye burning with rage.
You’ve never seen her this angry, not since the last extermination. You’ve never seen her this angry at you. You knew she’d be angry when she found out, but not this angry.
“I told you that you’re not joining. And what do you do? You go behind my fucking back to talk Abel of all people into letting you join!” Lute went on, practically yelling right in your face. “As if he has any fucking idea what it takes to be an exorcist. What the hell were you thinking?”
You winced, her metallic fingers dug painfully deep into your arm. “Lute, I—”
“You weren’t thinking, that’s what,” Lute continued, her grip growing tighter on your arm. “Because if you had thought for longer than a fucking second you wouldn’t—!”
“—Lute you’re hurting me!”
The moment you said that, she let go, snapping her hand to her chest and stumbling away from you as if she had been burned. Her eyes were wide, as though she hadn’t even realized what she’d been doing until now.
You pressed back to the wall on instinct, reaching to grasp your aching arm. You couldn’t see the damage through the sleeve, but you were sure a bruise would be left.
“I…I didn’t mean to—I’m—” Lute stammered, raising her hand to reach for you before just as quickly drawing it back to her chest.
The two of you have had fights before, sure. Every couple has. But never like this.
Lute’s anger had been quickly buried beneath the horror and shame of what she’d been doing, shrinking away from you, her wings hitching up as though she was fighting back from hiding in them.
“I’m sorry,” Lute said again, weaker. “I—I didn’t mean—are you okay?”
Your arm was throbbing, and you were sure if she gripped any tighter it would have been worse than just a bruise. “I’m fine,” you assured her instead.
Though it did little to ease her guilt.
You took a step towards her, and with slow, telegraphed movements, reached up to cup her cheek, tilting her head so she was made to look at you. “I’m okay, Lute,” you told her again.
“I hurt you,” Lute answered, her voice small.
“You didn’t mean to,” you countered just as softly.
Her shoulders hitched as she grasped her own shaking arm. “I…you can’tjoin the exorcists, you just can’t.”
You didn’t move your hand off of her, didn’t step away. “Why can’t I?” you asked her. Why was she so adamant, to the point that she’d lash out, that you not join her in the ranks?
Lute turned her head against your palm, refused to look you in the eyes. “You don’t understand. Hell is…it’s nothing like Heaven. It’s terrible. Horrifying down there,” she gripped her arm even tighter, the metal of the prosthetic creaking under her grip. “It wasn’t so bad before. But now those sinners can kill us.”
You knew this. You’d all learned this terrifying fact during the last extermination. A third of the Exorcists had been killed that day. “All the more reason you need more soldiers to fight back against them.”
“You don’t understand,” Lute stressed. “Sinners are monsters. They’re vicious, irredeemable, vile fiends. They’ll take one look at you and tear you apart.”
You flinched at that. Sure, you’ve never actually met a sinner, but everyone in Heaven knew that they were down in Hell for a reason.
They were terrible people, did terrible things, and their time in Hell—free of genuine consequences—only made them worse. They were vicious, feral monsters who, if given the opportunity, would try and seize Heaven as their own. It was one of the reasons the extermination needed to happen, or so Lute and Adam would say.
Slowly, she let go of her arm, bringing her hand up to rest over your own as it pressed to her cheek. Just as hesitant, she looked up at you, her eyes glistening, fighting back tears. “I can’t lose you. Not you, too.”
Oh.
You understood immediately.
Lute was still grappling with the loss of Adam. You knew that she was still grieving. That she was still mourning of the loss of the friends and comrades who died that day. She was just as scared of you being killed down there as you were for her.
“Lute, I feel the same,” you murmured, running your thumb along her cheek, catching a stray tear that’d begun to fall. “I’m terrified that you’ll go down to Hell one day and you won’t come back.”
“I’ll always come—”
“You don’t know that,” you cut her off quickly. None of them knew that anymore. If Adam could die, then so could she. “That’s why I joined the exorcist. I can’t just stay home waiting, wondering if you’ll come back. I want to be out there, I want to protect you.”
Lute watched you, her shoulders shaking, a thousand unspoken things flashing in her gaze. Then she sagged forward, let her face drop to your shoulder, wrapping her arms around you.
“But…what if something happens to you out there?” she asked, a tremble in her voice. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lose you out there.”
You felt your uniform shirt grow damp beneath her, her hold on you trembling, but tight, as though afraid you’d vanish if she let go. She was trying so hard not to show that she was crying.
“What if something happens to you?” you countered, holding her tight against yourself, bringing your fingers to run soothingly through her wings. “You think I’d be able to live with myself if you died out there?”
It was a terrible situation, both wanting to protect the other, wanting to keep the other out of danger. You were never going to be able to pull Lute from the exorcist army; that was her home. But the least you could do is join so that she has someone to watch her back.
Lute must have realized arguing was pointless by this point as she took in a hitched breath.
“Promise me that if you do this, if you go to Hell, you won’t leave my side. I can’t, I won’t let those monsters take you away from me, too,” Lute muttered, holding you tighter. “Promise me, swear it on your halo. If you’re going to do this, be an exorcist; we need to stay together out there. I can’t… I can’t do this if you're out of my sight. I can’t let them hurt you.”
“I promise. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but next to you,” you swore to her. “We stay together, no matter what, that way we can protect each other.”