Work Text:
Grace had never felt so out of place then she currently did that Sunday, sat next to her parents, in the pews of a small church.
Ever since the events at Waylon place, Max’s death, and learning about the Lords in Black, Grace’s faith in God had significantly fizzled out.
It weighed heavily on her, obviously. It was a big jump to learn that everything you had believed in, everything you were taught was true—really wasn’t.
She hated it. No matter how many times she begged, pleaded, in that very church, with tears in her eyes for god to answer her, he never did.
It hurt but she had started to accept it.
As she looked at the drooping wooden face of a pale man with long hair, long nails embedded into the palms of his hands, keeping him pinned to the large cross and crown made of thorns laid upon his head, she found her self feeling nothing. However she found herself mourning the blissfully ignorant girl she once was. The girl who—though everyone saw as a prudey nerd— had a steady belief system.
Was she happy back then? Definitely not, but at least it made her parents happy.
Of all the things she missed most about her self pre-Waylon incident, she missed when her parents were happy with her.
Their home used to be filled with joy and laughter. Now that was replaced with looks of disdain and rushed one word conversations. Her parents could tell Grace was changing. They hated it. They hated her new friends most of all. They thought they had infected Grace with their “demonic ways of life” or whatever her mother would rant on about. It made her sad to think they only truly showed care for her when she was the girl they wanted her to be.
Grace looked to a stone statue of Mary stood at the side of the room. In her arms she cradled her son and looked down on him with the fondest expression.
Grace glanced over to her parents, who were sitting in the pew adjacent to her. All she was met with was a look of disdain and her mother gesturing her to focus back on the sermon.
Her heart ached.
As she thought about all of this her mind started to race back to herself pre-Waylon incident. Although she seemed it, she was not the perfect Christian girl she wanted to be. She had a secret. A terrible, terrible secret, that though now she came to accept it, used to eat her from the inside.
She liked girls.
She realized this first when getting hit on by the now deceased Max Jägerman. She hated thinking about him. He literally came back to kill her and her friends, and the only way they were able to stop him was by her giving up what she cherished most, her chastity.
Although it needed to be done, it made her feel disgusting. She didn’t feel a once of love for Max and was forced into giving herself up. Oh well. It was the only way she supposed.
Heaven wouldn’t stop Max. God wouldn’t stop Max. So her deal with the Lords in Black was the only option.
Later on, after careful consideration and thought she finally came to terms with the person she had actually found herself drawn to. Although she was freakish in nature Grace somehow found herself drawn to Ruth Fleming. She didn’t know why but she really cared about her. She loved her silly teases, her unruly curled hair, her dirty jokes, and her lovely smile that was just barely visible through her headgear.
At first Grace hated that she loved her so much. She was supposed to be a normal girl. She wasn’t supposed to LIKE girls. She was terrified of hell and for a while it seemed like she was condemned to it. It only occurred to her after Ruth’s death that it was okay to be this way, that god, if he were real, would not hate her all because she loved a girl.
That’s why it hurt so much when she died. That’s why she HAD to give up her chastity. Max had to pay and he did, she supposed.
Oh well. That was all over now. No use on dwelling in the past.
What was in the present was the fact that she did in fact like girls. She had long accepted it herself but knew her parents never would. To them being gay was on the same level as murder. Either way, in the eyes of her parents, she would be going to hell—for the unintentional murder and especially being a lesbian.
It hurt knowing she would forever have to hide away her true self from them, just so they’d stay happy.
She knew her parents loved her, but clearly not enough to show her love, despite her obvious flaws.
As soon as Grace came to the realization that no matter what she did anymore, they’d never be happy, she stood up out of the pew, and walked out of the church. Leaving her parents, and her guilt behind her. She planned to walk to Steph’s house and for the first time in a long time, a large smile started to spread along her face.