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♬ Nakatulong ba nung lumayo ako? Diba yun naman ang ‘yong ginusto? ♬
♬ (Did it help when I walked away? Isn’t that what you wanted?) ♬
How hard is it to navigate through your daily life when the person you used to spend it with suddenly leaves?
That, is a feeling that Eunho would never forget.
The soft rays of sunlight fell on Eunho's face. The curtains were wide open. He instinctively reached out to the other side of the bed, only to be faced with the cold bedsheets—a constant reminder that his boyfriend, no, ex-boyfriend Bamby was no longer there.
He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, feeling his chest tighten once more. He didn't feel like getting up, the weight of his body pressing heavily onto the soft matress, yet, the duty of going to his office was not something he can just ignore.
As he went down towards the kitchen, he instinctively reached for two coffee mugs—one red, one pink—only to be frozen in place as the realization dawned on him. He brought the pink mug back to its place. Funny how he never thought of throwing it away after all these months. Well, in some way, he was glad he didn't.
The bitter taste of espresso could not drown out the same bitter feeling in his chest. As he passed by the living room, he saw their picture still framed. Bamby was pulling at his hair as he carried the older one on his back.
They look so happy here. Who knew that Bamby will leave him a few months later? Eunho couldn't help but let out a broken whimper.
Did Bamby feel the same too? Did Bamby miss the tiny pieces of Eunho in each step? Or was it only Eunho longing all this time? He'd never know.
Eunho went on with his day as usual, body moving on autopilot as he worked on some new songs in his office. As the crack of dawn fell, he passed by a busy street. People were either chatting loudly or hurrying in their way to reach home before they get sick with a cold. The light of some stalls glowed like a warm blanket that attracts those who pass by.
A familiar scent caught Eunho’s attention as he was walking. The smell of pyeongnaeng wafted through the air, stirring some lingering emotions inside him. Bamby-hyung would like this, he thought. But then again, Bamby was long gone. Was it pathetic? Eunho knew that it was. Still, in the hopes of reliving his precious memories with his hyung, Eunho decided to buy some.
It was still snowing heavily despite it being the end of January. Was Bamby-hyung cold? Did he wear extra layers? Even as Eunho desperately tries to ignore it, his heart just keeps on finding his way back to Bamby. If this was a punishment for his last life, then just what did he do? Eunho can't help but laugh at himself.
Falling out of love was something he never thought he'd hear from his hyung's mouth. As he entered his unit, he absentmindedly glanced at the empty sofa. It hadn't been like that a few months ago, you know. There used to be a pink-haired hyung sitting there while watching TV or simply doomscrolling on his phone.
How Eunho wishes that Bamby told him the reason as to why he left from the start. Maybe, just maybe, he could've changed something. If he knew, he wouldn't have spent his days on his bed, wondering. Overthinking just what he did wrong for his lover to fall out of love.
He gave him anything. Everything. His whole heart was dedicated to Bamby. Must be why that same heart felt so hollow now that Bamby is gone.
As Eunho sank on the sofa, he reveled in their last conversation. The ache in his chest seemed to spread as he remembered their conversation vividly.
“W-What do you mean, hyung? D-Did I do somethi—”
“You didn't do anything wrong, Eunho-ya. It's just that… maybe, dating someone whom you've known all your life brings you… well, I can't put my finger onto it. But my life feels so repetitive, It feels like I'm losing myself.”
He still remembers how Bamby avoided his gaze. The way his things were neatly packed the next day as he prepared to leave. The way Bamby looked so determined to actually leave the place they once called home.
Before Eunho's thoughts could spiral even more, a ringing sound echoed from his phone. He swiped his phone to answer the call.
“Hello? Who is this?” Eunho's voice rang out. An unexpected call from an unknown number came through his phone. He was half disappointed, because a small part of him hoped that it was from his hyung.
“Hello, Sir? Do you perhaps know about Chae Bonggu? You're listed as his emergency contact.” Eunho froze in his tracks. He dropped the face towel he was holding as he gripped the phone even more tighter.
Emergency contact? So Bamby hyung still has my number saved after all these months?
“Bamby-hyung? Why? What happened?”
The next thing Eunho knew, he was on his motorbike, driving through the roads, not caring if he will get a speeding ticket after this.
He did not remember leaving the house.
Heck, he didn't even remember that he started the engine of his motorbike.
What he did remember were the words that were now echoing loudly in his head, the nurse’s voice a deafening sound that kept on ringing in his ears.
“Sir Bonggu got into a car accident. When he got here, he was barely breathing. He stopped breathing when we got to the emergency room…He, however, has a DNR order. Which means that if he has stopped breathing, he must not be revived at all costs.”
Eunho's thoughts were a mess as he sped through the hospital. His mind went blank.
Accident?
Do Not Resuscitate?
Why? Just why?
Upon arriving, Eunho barely registered parking. He ran past multiple doctors and nurses. His goal was simple—get to the room where Bamby is as soon as possible.
“Sir, I need you to take a deep breath and slow down—” A doctor tried to stop Eunho but his resistance was absolute. He pushed the staff aside to enter the ward that the nurse had told him through the phone earlier.
“Hyung? Bamby-hyung?”
The glimmer in Eunho's red eyes disappeared at the sight before him.
“H-Hyung…?” Eunho ran up to the bed, lifting the thin blanket that covered Bamby's precious face.
The silver-haired man's hand was shaking as he took his hyung's hand on his own. He held it against his face, and the coldness made him choke back a sob.
“H-Hyung… You're so cold…” Eunho nuzzled Bamby's hand in his cheek, rubbing it gently as if to give it the warmth it was lacking now.
“Y-You hate the cold, right?” He shook Bamby softly. He can't believe what he was seeing.
Hyung's not dead.
He's just sleeping.
Yes, he must've just passed out from the accident—
“I'm sorry for your loss, Sir.” The doctor went in with a pitying look, and the confirmation made the tears in Eunho's eyes finally fall.
Eunho gently touched Bamby's wounds. It was now dry and disinfected properly. He kissed Bamby's hands, caressing his face. It looked so peaceful. So damn peaceful.
You'll get up and tell me you're joking, right?
The doctor… You asked him to lie, right? To prank me?
“Wake up, hyung, please…please… This isn't funny…”
Silence is what answered Eunho, and the truth finally sank into him.
Bamby—his precious Bamby—is gone.
Grief sure does something different for each individual. Bamby's death caused quite a shock to many people, as the pink-haired man was known to be a really kind person.
As for Eunho, he stopped socializing and stopped eating. If he did, it was the bare minimum. Just enough to survive, but not as he used to do.
He gave up all his works and everything related to music. He turned down songwriting requests, as everything takes him back to the only man he loved and will ever love.
As he lay there in his room, his shaky hands slowly opened the box of Bamby's belongings. It has been a few months since Bamby had died, and although he still has a hard time dealing with grief, he has so many unanswered questions. He could only hope to find the answers in the things that his hyung had given to their mutual friend and Eunho's trusted hyung, Han Noah.
Inside the box was a small USB. Eunho immediately grabbed his laptop and shakily inserted the USB in. There, he found a file full of many videos, each of them named after people that Bamby was close with when he was alive.
There was one for Bamby's parents, for their friends Noah, Yejun, and Hamin, their colleagues and coworkers—everyone had a file waiting for them.
What caught Eunho's eyes immediately was his name, except that it was in a folder, not just a video recording.
Eunho's shaky hands opened the folder, and inside were records of Bamby's illness—the very answer to the questions he's been having all this time.
At the very end of the folder was a video titled with Eunho's name. His hands were already shaking, but he had to find out what the video had to say, so he pressed click.
“Hello?” Bamby's small figure was caught against the dim lighting of his room. He adjusted the camera, the lens unfocusing for a while.
“This video is for my Eunho. If you're not him, get outta here.” Bamby joked, but beneath his soft giggles, his voice broke, as if restraining a sob from his throat.
“If you're watching this,” Bamby clasped his hands together, creating a clapping sound. “Then that means I'm probably dead.” His eyes were blinking rapidly, and Eunho knew, of course he did—Bamby was trying not to cry.
“Eunho-ya… I'm so sorry for saying those things to you. I know this might be too late, but I want you to know that I really, really love you.” A tear fell onto Bamby's left cheek, so he immediately wiped it with his sleeves.
“I just… I know this sounds so selfish, but I didn't want you to remember me as a weak person. I wanted your memory of me to be the Bamby you knew—strong, bubbly, happy. Not this weak and feeble state I'm in.” More tears flowed from Bamby's, and Eunho's vision also blurred.
“I'm so sorry… If I was so damn selfish, Eunho-ya.” Bamby's voice broke, his pitch going a bit higher as he tried to speak. “I'm sorry if I had to hurt you.” He tucked his head onto his legs, gripping his pink hair tightly.
“I knew I was dying. We promised to stay by each other's side forever, but how could I possibly do that when I know that my time is running out?” Bamby stared right back onto the camera, his expression softening. “Eunho-ya… The world is so cruel to us in this life, isn't it?” He forced a chuckle, but it sounded more like a strained whimper.
“If there is a next life, would you please let me stay by your side forever? Would you even forgive me?” Bamby's voice was muffled by his sobs, and Eunho too, was trying so damn hard to suppress his wails, in order to hear the recording clearly.
“I love you, Eunho-ya. I love you so so much. I'm sorry for what I've done. I know it might be hard to process, and I'm sorry I can't be there to help you.” Bamby's breath was getting cut short with each word, and although he struggled, he still managed to give his last wishes to the first and last person he'll ever love.
“You are my greatest love, Eunho-ya. I know I wasn't able to keep our promise, but please, please live happily… I love you, my puppy, my partner, my Eunho…”
The laptop made a soft clicking sound as Eunho closed it shut. He was sobbing hard, his whole body shaking from the information he was trying hard to understand.
Hyung…
“Ya, Eunho! Did you even catch what I was saying?” Noah's voice jolted Eunho out of his thoughts, making him jump lightly from the sofa.
“Huh? Yes, hyung? Sorry, I zoned out.” Eunho rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. Noah had called him around 5 minutes ago, but he didn't remember a thing about what Noah had said except that he was being invited to go to their usual gym this late.
“Aish, this kid, really.” Noah sounded annoyed, but Eunho knew that it was just his hyung's way of cheering him up, knowing full well why Eunho must've zoned out.
“Relax, Noah-hyung.” Hamin teased, he put the dumbell down as he and Yejun approached Noah. Yejun chuckled along, adding a “You'll get wrinkles if you get too stressed, gongju-ah~” to stir the pot even more.
“What did you say?”
“Uh, oh”
“RUN!!!” Hamin grabbed Yejun's arm, running around the gym. Noah chased after the two of them, leaving his phone on one of the benches. Hamin immediately snatched the phone, his blurry face getting caught on the camera.
“Come here before Noah-hyung kills us, hyung!!” Hamin was laughing as he ran for his life. At the back of the camera, it can be seen that Noah had successfully pinned Yejun down on the floor.
“Ayo, that's a funny position, Noah-hyung~” Eunho joined the teasing, and Noah looked at the camera with a challenging look.
“Just you wait, Do Eunho!! I'll kill you when you get here!!”
“I'll be there in 5, hyung!”
Eunho chuckled as he hanged up. He let out a heavy sigh, taking his jacket and his things from his room.
He grabbed his keys, adjusting the photograph of him and Bamby on one of the shelves. His eyes grazed back at their apartment—to the pink mug, the empty sofa, and the warm smell of pyeongnaeng sitting on the kitchen table.
Yes, hyung, you're so selfish…
Because you left me thinking that I was the one left hurting, while you're out there, suffering alone.
If I was being honest with myself, I'd say that I don't think you're gone. I'm thinking that you're just somewhere very, very far away from me.
But, if there was ever another life? I'd choose you in a heartbeat. In every form, in every place, because wherever you are is where I'll always be.
So I hope you'll wait for me. I hope that in the next life, we get to continue the love we had.
Even if it's so hard to get through every single day when I can't stop thinking about you, I'd rather not forget your small habits that stuck with me throughout these years.
Eunho took one last look at the picture before turning around and shutting the door of his apartment.
I'll live happily, hyung
His phone buzzed with a notification of Hamin spamming their GC with the words ‘help’, ‘SOS’, and ‘BACK UP NEEDED BADLY!!’, so Eunho knew he really had to go. No, he’s sure that Noah won’t kill Hamin, especially not Yejun. He’s more afraid of them getting kicked out of the gym if Noah accidentally breaks something.
The engine of Eunho's motorcycle roared to life as he turned it on. He looked back at his apartment, before a content smile dawned on his face.
I love you, my Bamby-hyung, I never stopped loving you. And I never will.