Work Text:
“Dazai-san, are you awake?”
An old, vinyl record spun discordantly, possibly behind me, its howls beckoning me to fall asleep again. The warm, cold glow of the, multiple, lights above me ushered me to pull my bandages over my eyes and-
“Are you quite alright?”
-join him. I could almost feel his amused smile…telling me not to do something dumb. Maybe we’d go to the orphans together after this; maybe we’d get to eat some of his chicken curry. It was so much better than water filling my lungs.
“Dazai?”
The Lupin bar. A cold, November night. The reek of liquor drugged my nose, burning cigarettes abandoned by smouldering souls. Sounds of rat-infested, off-tune pianos, broken voices, rusty saxophones – but it was the sounds of love. Not the romantic type, as they’d been gullible enough to believe; a special, soul connection – the bliss of being understood. Judged, yet not judged. Isn’t that ironic?
“Y-You’re limp! Kunikida-san!”
Almost as if he’d poured affection to fill the void I never knew of; he took it with him and left an even bigger void. Yet now I knew of its existence, it only taunted me more. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. After all…everything I’ve never wanted to lose has always been lost. But now I can join him.
“Ranpo-san! Yosano-san!”
Oda…you’ve been gone for so long. What would I be if, if not with you? I think…I still can’t accept the reality. I don’t want to.
“Someone! Please!”
Part of me hates you. I hate you. After all. You left. You left me. You left me, told me to be a good person. I did that. You just left me with this stupid…morality. Of all the things you could give me, why this? It’s such a burden, as if existence wasn’t hard enough; the beast in my chest, now contained to a birdcage; it pounds, it lashes, it rips, but it still can’t break free.
I choke, I scream, I cry, yet I still can’t have peace.
-and it’s all your doing. All of it! Why…why must you have given me these wretched things. From dancing in the might of the sun, soaking in its destructive pleasure; must I now cower in the shade for your sake? What have you even done for me? Just…left…
“Dazai-san…please stay…”
…me with this insatiable gap in my heart, which simply yearns to hear you just one more time? Or is that too much to ask for? Have I, truly, become a good person, simply for nothing? The others…Fyodor must really be enjoying himself – a measly ‘god’ with a measly rat to cower down at his feet. What do I have?
“W-We’re losing him.”
You cursed a demon with humanity. And I am the one who’s punished.