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Hinge is actively harboring demons. It is a front for the worst people in the world to gather together to make everyone hate their lives. That is the conclusion that Bertholdt has come to. Every single date he goes on either ends awkwardly or in a complete shamble. This is no fault of his own, they’re all just horrible. With the way dating goes for Bertholdt he might as well be the most unlikeable person alive.
He wasn’t asking for much out of people. All he wanted was a kind, sane, and stable person to live out his life with. If he has to go into specifics, he wants someone shorter than him. Call him heteronormative, call it a preference, call it whatever. He just can’t fathom dating anyone even an inch taller. Not that it’s likely seeing as he’s 6’4, he just had to get that out there. He wants someone who cringes at the thought of kids but is down to get a dog whenever.
“No Annie, the date sucked.” Annie is his dating guru. She forced him to call her after his first date and it’s become tradition ever since. Bertholdt flipped his eggs. He was going for a slightly burnt over easy look. “He talked about the ocean for an hour then started asking me about my exes.”
It was supposed to be perfect.
Bertholdt and Armin really hit it off over texts. They had shared interests and made each other laugh. They got each other. Or, Bertholdt thought they understood each other. They had one really long, deep, well articulated conversation about classical literature. Nerdy, yes, but that was the appeal. They were able to leave the societal idea of being perfect to fully indulge themselves into a niche topic. The thirty minutes they spent talking about the concepts presented in Dracula or Jane Eyre made Bertholdt want to wife him up. He may have even shed a few tears when talking about how he related to Frankenstein’s monster at times. A comment that Armin then made a joke about, lightening the mood.
He couldn’t help to think that this really was his person.
Then their date happened. The first time they met face to face. Again, it was meant to be perfect. Everything leading up to it had made Bertholdt think he met the love of his life. Armin had entered, calling Bertholdt his “clit” buddy. Hilarious joke. If only Bertholdt knew how bad it would get.
Around 10 minutes into the date Armin started asking about exes. He wasn’t just asking, he was prodding. Violently. When Bertholdt would give a half assed response Armin asked if it was because he was still in love with one of them. Which, hard no. Bertholdt has only one ex. Annie. They dated their freshman year of college. That in between stage where you’re just now realizing that you’re an adult but you still kinda feel like a teenager at times. Dating her made him realize that he isn’t all that into women, likewise, dating him made her realize she isn’t all that into men. They’re still friends, but it was a building block relationship.
Bertholdt tried to explain this but then Armin started asking if Bertholdt would cut Annie off for him. When he said no, rightfully might he add, Armin got pissed and started talking about the ocean in a really condescending tone. As condescending as it gets for someone talking about the ocean of all places.
So, Hinge is a place where the devil sends his offsprings to steal kind hearted souls. That is the only reasonable place to come to.
“It couldn’t have been that bad.” Annie commented. “Maybe his ex really sucked and he’s, like, traumatized.”
“I don’t care, Annie,” Bertholdt turned the oven heat down because the eggs were sticking pretty hard to the pan. “I’m so sick of putting myself out there and getting nothing in return.”
Bertholdt would fully commit himself to a relationship if given that opportunity. He has all the potential to be a relationship man; he's just missing his other half.
“Maybe you should lower your standards a bit.” Annie mentions. It’s not like Bertholdt’s expectations are completely out of whack. Sure, maybe wanting someone smaller than him is being picky, but other than that he just wants a stable partner. “Your perfect partner isn’t going to show up at your door, Bertholdt.”
Coincidentally, someone knocked at the door.
“I know that, I do, but I don’t think I’m being crazy here. If I don’t get into a long term relationship soon I’ll be a 30 year old virgin who goes after guys who just turned eighteen.” He gagged at the words in his mouth. He vowed to never say that again. Bertholdt sluggishly walked over to the door, holding his phone against his ear with his shoulder. “I’ll be your hallmark thirsty gay on twitter commenting under porn accounts asking if any of them are single.” He continued, opening the door once he got himself looking presentable.
“Hello! I’m Brother Reiner from The Church of Helos of Former Day Saints. Have you heard of our church before?” The man that stood before him was clean shaven. His blonde hair was a little shaggy but it still looked like he washed it that morning. His smile was smolderous, cocky, but fake. He seemed like a robot ready to spill out any information he was asked. Reiner took the silence as a push to continue. His smile slightly quivered. “Do you have a moment so I can talk to you about our lord and savior Helos?”
Berholdt’s hand twitched. His entire being was telling him to slam the door and go about his day. This guy seemed so uncanny. He was beautiful, but this seemed so fishy. Too fishy. He glanced over at his phone and scoffed. This sly, sly, witch. Annie’s girlfriend, Hitch, probably put him up to this. Hitch was always setting Bertholdt up in the funniest ways. One time she had Bertholdt rush to her apartment thinking she was injured when she really just had one of her single friends over. Bertholdt was so stupid for thinking this was real.
“I’ll call you back Annie.” Bertholdt hung up abruptly. “Okay, I’ll bite, tell me.” With the way that Reiner’s smile actually lit up he figured that this was the first time that this ploy worked on anyone. For a pick up line this was rather unique. Extra points for creativity. He opened his mouth to ask if Hitch put him up to it but he heard his smoke detector blaring. “Shit!” He ran in to turn off the stove. His over-easy egg went from lightly burnt to completely charred. He turned his head to tell Reiner to give him a minute but the boy had already invited himself in.
Weird.
“Um, if there were another book of scripture that spoke of Helos would you be interested in reading it?” Reiner fidgeted with his rough hands. If Bertholdt was close enough he would likely be able to hear the dry skin rubbing against itself. He trashed the burnt egg and set the pan in the sink. He’d clean it sometime this weekend.
He motioned for Reiner to sit, giving a kind smile to match the nervous one coming from the hazel eyed boy. That was a weird question to ask on a first date. Wait, is this even a first date? A blind one sure but…well this is their first time meeting and it is technically a date. “Gee, I don’t know. We had a unit on this in my World Literature class. We were supposed to read that one on the Founder, and I’m not gonna lie I totally forgot to read it. And I know you’re probably asking yourself, how did I forget to read it?” He awkwardly waited for Reiner to either laugh or at least acknowledge his mistake. Reiner just sat there examining his space. His eyes covered the living room then the kitchen, looking at each framed art piece. Bertholdt nodded at the silence and went to shut the door. “Well, I was studying for another class and it completely left my mind. Thankfully our exam was just a Socratic Seminar so I was able to make up stuff and I ended up getting a solid grade.”
“Sorry, was that a yes or no?” Reiner nudged at an ingrown nail he seemingly only realized existed when the artwork on Bertholdt’s wall wasn’t the focus of his attention anymore.
Bertholdt thought of a way to dumb down his whole anecdote into a simple answer. “It was a yes. I’d be interested, yes.”
He expected for this to be a precursor into them to have a conversation on different religious texts. Like Bertholdt mentioned, he isn’t that well informed on the topic but this was sure to be interesting. Reiner seemed like he knew a lot. But instead, a dribble of sweat made its way down Reiner’s forehead. Bertholdt glanced behind him to make sure the air conditioning was on, it was. He swallowed then spoke again. “Have you ever asked yourself, where did I come from, why am I here, and where am I going after I leave this earthly life?”
What? Sure, everyone has that phase where they question their existence, but that's a heavy question to ask someone you’ve known for the better part of ten minutes. “No, I don’t think I’ve ever asked myself any of that.” He squinted his eyes to try and figure out if this guy was for real or not. This was turning into the Armin date, the vibes were shifting.
“Then can I interest you in The Book of Helos?” Reiner coughed out. Bertholdt scanned his person. Reiner’s collared shirt and tie looked a lot more purposeful now. The only thing keeping Bertholdt from thinking he was an actual missionary was the fact that he was 1) alone, and 2) wearing a colorful tie. Everyone knows that missionaries only wear black ties.
Wait, duh, he had been talking to Hitch about seeing the Book of Helos musical. He really digs the soundtrack. Hitch must’ve told him. “I really dig the Book of Helos, yeah.” Reiner’s face instantly lit up. Bertholdt heard him let out a deep breath. He was glad that they were able to clear the air after that long awkward introduction. Bertholdt even laughed. “Yeah I got really into it during college.”
“Me too, well, before college but around that time. Maybe when I was around 12, I think.”
Has it been out that long? Bertholdt shrugged it off, this is an opportunity at making a connection with this absolute gem. “Oh cool! Where did you go to college?”
“MYU. I majored in Anthropology.” Reiner’s smile was so sweet and inviting. All of the previous unease was fanned out of the room with the emergence of the smile. Bertholdt was able to get a proper look of Reiner. He noticed a single hair on his chin, a slight crook in his nose, and how his brows furrowed when he laughed. How cute– no, never mind, Reiner had a straight face. Apparently Reiner had been talking that whole time.
Bertholdt had to make up something on the fly. “Oh cool! I think those niche universities are really interesting. You know? It makes me wonder why people went there instead of going to any Ivys of big league colleges. But I’m a hypocrite through and through because I went to Liberio State University. That’s in Marley though, so maybe we were in the same area.”
“MYU stands for Marleyan Youth University.”
Wasn’t ringing any bells. Bertholdt had completely confused MYU for Marleyan State University or even University of Marley. All the acronyms always mess him up. “Oh. Still, that’s a pretty niche university.”
Reiner stood up, dusting nothing off of himself. “I should get going. I have to go touch base with my mission partner.”
Bertholdt had clearly hit a nerve. He put his hand up and stood up. “Well, wait, let me at least get your number.” Reiner is really off putting but he’s hot. Letting this chance go would be like letting a billionaire pass by without asking for a little bit of money.
Reiner pulled out a book that read The Book of Helos and wrote his number on the front page. “I’m glad you're considering joining the church.”
“Yeah, definitely.” Bertholdt got up to walk Reiner out. “This was nice, I hope we do this again some time.”
Reiner was already halfway down the street when Bertholdt even got to the door. He let out a content sigh and nodded. This was one of his better dates in recent times.
***
“The guy you sent to my door was kinda weird but sweet.” Bertholdt said after getting through telling the whole awkward encounter to Hitch.
“I didn’t send any hot blonde guy to your door.”
“Then who did I let in?”