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Tobio feels a lot of stuff around Hinata Shouyou. He always has and probably always will.
When he was fourteen it was anger and rivalry, when he was sixteen it was affection and comradeship, when he was eighteen it was love and a deep rooted attachment. The feeling he would never want to let go of the small bundle of energy and nerves that was his new boyfriend.
Now however, he wasn't all that sure that Hinata gave him any craveable feelings. The anger and bitterness Tobio had felt when Hinata and him had met was unsavory, but they were feeling a fourteen year old Tobio was used to. He felt that around everyone he played against.
Tobio wasn't all that sure what exactly he felt around Hinata, he felt this sting in his gut and his eyes, like he was about to cry. He felt like his heart as being stomped in the most physical representation of bad he had ever felt. He feels his hands shake, not in the nervous way they had when he asked Hinata out, but in a furious kind of way, like he wanted to rip Hinata’s throat out.
At twenty-two Kageyama Tobio had dated Hinata for a little over four years, and over those four years he had learned to love a lot of things about Hinata. He recalls a time, not even that long ago, where everything about Hinata made his chest clench. Made him soar in a way that he had only felt whenever he had set a ball that scored a point. Now he felt weighed down, heavy like a rock in a lake. At one point it had skipped along the water, defying gravity, now it was slowly sinking to the dark bottom.
“Oi, Tobio.” Hinata waltzed into thier living room, Tobio’s sweater hanging loosely off his shoulders and down his thighs. Tobio wanted to rip it off him, not in a way that he once had. The way where they would bang on thier couch, the way that made him smile in a way Hinata had deemed long ago “not as scary”.
“What do you want.” Tobio felt his voice supply, sometimes he wished he wasn't as mean usually. Then Hinata wouldn't be used to it, he would be angered by Tobio’s gruff replies and mean demeanor, like that girlfriend he had for two weeks in junior high. Before he had met Hinata at all.
“Why are you acting that way, huh?” Hinata walked over to block Tobio’s view of the TV he wasn't really watching. Tobio huffed in reply, he barely repressed an eye roll.
“Acting what way?” Tobio’s face shot up to glare at Hinata, who after eight years of it, had grown immune to it’s toxic aura.
“You know, that way.” Hinata put his hands on his hips, bending down to be eye level with Tobio. Tobio felt his hands clenched into fists beside his thighs.
“I don't know what you're fucking talking about, either spit it out or leave me alone.” Tobio remembers a time when those words weren't his best friend. He remembers when Hinata had held that title, how happy he had been when Hinata had said after practice “we’re best friends, aren't we?”
“You're acting like a straight up asshole Tobio!” Hinata shouted at him, he hadn't even risen from being eye level. Hinata shouting nearly busted his eardrums when he was ten feet away, now face to face it was deafening to a whole new degree.
Hinata had always been loud to the point of being endearing, not when they had first met, but after several months of hearing his voice fired up with excitement, it grew on Tobio. Now it felt like a parasite, leeching every bit of happiness Tobio felt around Hinata.
There were times even now that Tobio felt happy, but then Hinata would do something so very Hinata that Tobio’s mood did a complete one-eighty. He’d get a text from him, with a billion emojis or exclamation points, and it drained all the energy away from him. He’d watch a movie with him, Hinata would jump and hide in Tobio’s arm, Tobio would feel like he had been shot in the heart.
Tobio hated to be at work, wasting away his young adult life, doing tedious things over and over. Being with Hinata felt a lot like work. Every text message about a beetle or dinner or Yamaguchi felt like faxing a paper. Every night Tobio crawled into bed and pushed Hinata’s limbs off of him felt like a meeting. Every fight that use to be jovial, playful, even friendly now felt like a vicious feud between colleagues, that’s all him and Hinata were now. Colleagues.
Tobio rose up, towering over Hinata’s body. Hinata stood his ground, like a chipmunk against a steamroller.
“You're acting like a kid, as per usual.”
“You're acting like you don't even love me anymore, what’s up with that?” Hinata laughs a little, it’s strained and hesitant, like he’s saying a bad joke. It’s all he gets from Hinata nowadays.
Tobio chuckles, a dark forced kind of sound, “what, you think that’s what this is? You think either of us love each other?” The words come out booming, Hinata shrinks down on himself.
Tobio wishes he hadn't said that almost immediately, Hinata instantly starts to tear up, his eyes going impossibly shiny. Tobio never wanted to feel this way, to feel like he wasn't loved and had no love to give. He’d give anything to go back to the way things used to be, where they made love and laughed, they hugged and their fights were instantly made up by kissing. Tobio would give absolutely anything in the world to live like that again.
“Yeah? Should we break up?” Hinata’s voice is hushed, like he doesn't want to admit he’s actually saying the words.
“Do you want to?” Tobio finds himself asking, like the good boyfriend he doesn't want to be. He finds himself thinking that even if he was the unhappiest person in the world, he’d suffer this if it was for Hinata. He’d suffer through all the indifference, all the tedious work of having Hinata so close, all the everything so absolutely horrible he’s felt the last several months, just so Hinata wouldn't be sad. Maybe he’ll truly always be in love with Hinata, in a sick, twisted, and hurting kind of way.
“No, I really really don’t. I love you Tobio. Whether you want to believe that or not.” Hinata isn't looking at Tobio, there are tears coming down his face at an almost alarming speed. Tobio backs up a little, distancing himself from the situation.
Tobio remembers when he was happiest, it was on their first anniversary. One year seemed like such a long time then, a long time that went by in a flash. Tobio remembers holding Hinata, on the twin sized bed that always manage to be too little space, but just the perfect amount all at the same time. Hinata whispered words to him, words Tobio can't remember now. He bet it made him happy at the time, too happy to possibly be felt at this point in time.
“Are you happy?” Hinata asked, still muffled by his hands that have been covering his face. Tobio looks down at him, pulls at the sweater hands that are over his face off and down by his sides. Tobio doesn't linger his touch.
“No, I’m really not.” Tobio knows a part of him will get over this, maybe allow him to love someone else, maybe that person will be the “forever” Tobio had once promised Hinata. Tobio doesn't feel sad in this moment, the thing he had just admitted to wasn't new to him, in all honesty it probably wasn't that much of a surprise to Hinata.
Tobio sees Hinata sniffle more than he really hears it, Hinata’s tiny upturned nose twitching. Tobio more feels the words that come out Hinata’s mouth, deep in his heart. They feel like the key has just unlocked around shackles, like he’s finally free of this thing that’s kept him bound to Hinata by contract.
“I guess that’s that.”
~~~
Last Tobio heard from Hinata, he had moved into his own place. He had heard that from Yamaguchi, who seemed to want to take the indifferent side, but was obviously on Hinata’s.
There was a thing, about being broken up, people took sides. Tobio found many of his and Hinata’s mutual friends left, as if the expiration date of thier’s and Tobio’s friendships ran out with the expiration of his and Hinata’s relationship.
Tobio couldn't really be asked to care, not really at least. The friends he and Hinata shared seemed insignificant to the lose of Hinata himself.
Tobio had let go of Hinata, had seen him walk out of thier apartment that very night, only to have Yamaguchi and Tsukishima come in his place. They collected Hinata’s clothes and other thing’s. Day by day the amount of things seemed to dwindle that belonged to Hinata, it was more than weird, having the apartment that was once theirs be his .
Tobio realizes, as he works overtime because there isn't much else to really do , that he did love Hinata, at one point. A part of him would always love Hinata, always keep the warm fading memories locked in a chest, somewhere deep in the fragile heart that had let him go so easily.
Love isn't a chore and isn't a job though, it isn't something you should feel like you are having to do for the good of another person. A relationship is something you should feel comfortable in, the same comfort and warmth Tobio feels when he recalls a good memory with Hinata. It is immediately followed by dull hurt.
Tobio packs up his work bag, shoving papers into folders and waving at the front desk lady he’s never really learned the name of.
Outside his office building, Tobio sees Hinata’s favorite restaurant, walks into the train station Hinata had gotten attacked by a bird in, and unlocks the apartment Hinata had once called home.
Tobio sets down his bag, and hopes for the day these places all become neutral.