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Somehow, me and Gangle had rented an apartment last minute. And despite the hospital telling us it might take a while for our bodies to get back to normal, here I was, less than a month after our discharge, facing the worst part of my body, the part I thought that perhaps was gone for good. I fight the urge to cry out, instead getting up shaking and going toward the door. "Gangle!" I call softly, poking my head round the door.
"Tamsyn. But yeah?"
"You...you know how I'm AFAB?"
"Mhm?"
"Well, y'know how it took me a while to figure out what made me feel weird?"
"14 years old, yup."
"Tamsyn? I...I need pads" I choke out, staring at the ground, trying to stop the hot tears splashing onto my cheeks.
"I'll run to the store." She murmurs, planting a kiss on the top of my head.
I try to ignore the terrible pain as my uterus begins to demolish itself violently, and sit in the hall sobbing, fighting back the voices in my head that make me want to hurt myself again. I cry out in frustration, pulling my knees toward my chest, which is somehow still not flat enough for my liking even if it's flatter than any cis men I've known. I force my head between my knees and start applying pressure, slowly crushing it, and I can hear the heartbeat in my ears and it whispers that I'm a woman. Delusional. Girl. Girl. Girl. Then Ga-Tamsyn opens the door. I snap my head up, and she places the bag on the floor before slowly lowering herself to the ground. "Blair, it's okay. You're not a girl."
"How do you always know?" I rasp. She smiles pitifully at me and I squirm under her gaze.
"I just do. But seriously, you aren't a woman just because of this."
"Tam? Can we talk for a minute?"
"We are?" She says, confused and I shake my head.
"This is different. When I'm like this, I tend to push people away. It all hurts and it just screams at me, chants girl over and over. And I just force everyone away, and I just don't want to hurt you. I never want that to happen."
"Blair. You could never hurt me like that, because I know it's hurting you more than it could ever make me suffer."
I register now the strange sensation beneath me, and realise that I am in fact stuck to the floor. "Tam? There's ummm...there's blood on the floor."
" 's fine, it'll come off " she mumbles sleepily. "You should probably go sort yourself out, I guess"
"Yeah...Reckon the circus messed with my brain so badly I don't remember how pads work?"
"I mean, I forgot how to walk, in physio right hours a day and can barely use the crutches, so maybe. But there's instructions on the packet, and I think I can remember, so it'll be okay" she shrugs, and I nod slightly, before peeling myself off the floor, the sound making us both wince.
Right, Zooble. Tear it open, yep. Take out the green parcel, that's right. Now open it, and peel off the reminder that you are in fact AFAB...now...now check the instructions.
The relearning and readjustments take longer than I'd like to admit, and when I return -now armed with a pack of wipes - Tamsyn's almost asleep, her face peaceful but not quite completely restful. And by the time I've removed the crust of still tacky dark red blood, she's snuffling quietly. Scooping her up, I take her to the bed.
I get changed into clean clothes, a mix of hospital provided shit and the clothes I wore when I put on the wretched headset. Black t-shirt and faded jeans. I even brush and the back my hair knowing that I would never do it tomorrow, or for the rest of my own personal stay in hell. It has gotten a bit longer while I was in the circus, the faded green strands now shoulder length.
And it's at this point that the voices scream.
You're a girl. Tranny. Disgusting. Delusional. Broken. Girl. Woman. Lying to everyone.
I start biting my lip to fight the sobs back, but the tears still fall, and I start punching myself, the wall is loud. And that would wake up Tamsyn, and that would be very bad. She hasn't even started thrashing because of a nightmare yet. So I lean down and kiss her gently on the cheek, almost waking her anymore as my grey-green bangs attack her. Then I slip away to the tiny office space, immediately going under the desk and sobbing violently, my whole body convulsing with the sheer power, and I drag my painful legs -they'd always been wack so I didn't bother mentioning it to the doctors - towards my chest as I struggle to get my breath out. The voices all whisper disgusting things, awful ideas, and I slam my head against my knees, making them throb harder and I think that maybe this is worse than when I wanted to carve a tally of how much I hated myself into my thigh.
There's a soft knock on the door, and I slide out from under the cheap wood, just as she clicks it open gently. "Blair, it's okay! Oh god, I'm sorry. Really sorry."
She sits in front of me until I can't keep them in and start bawling like a child, and she holds me close. "Y'know, you were like the first person I saw when I woke up from the coma" she murmurs. "You were arguing with a nurse about binding, and that was the moment I knew that I still wanted you. In every form. I'd fallen in love with you again."
I pull back from the embrace, and she examines me quickly. "Have you eaten today?"
"Errrrrrrr...no!"
"One sec" she sighs, traipsing out, and I follow. Trying to ignore the dizziness from either blood loss or lack of food, and the pains in both my legs and uterus, I search frantically for something to fill the silence, before finally settling on a topic.
"Remember when I asked you out?"
"It was less than a month ago!" She laughs, making me throw my hands up in defense.
"Hey, we were on some powerful shit!" I giggle, as she leans in to kiss me.
"Oh! I ummm. I got you period pants? I thought they might help?" She shrugs, and I hug her tightly.
"You're a fucking angel, this world doesn't deserve you. I don't deserve you" I murmur, planting a kiss on her head.
I perch on the counter, and she asks me, "What does your tattoo mean?"
"Hope, it's Navajo. My grandfather was part of that tribe. Tried to teach me the old language, I picked it up pretty easily but I forgot it after we escaped...Tam? You don't have to answer but I want you to be happy and for that, I want to know what your parents did."
"I...sorry I can't. I...I need to prepare for that, pick my words carefully. I will, just not today"
"That's okay!"
"What about your childhood?" She murmurs, hopping up and leaning her head against my shoulder gently. I smile gently.
"Well, I grew up on my grandfather's reservation until I was eight, which was great. Like, so amazing, and then we moved to San Francisco. It was good there, I liked it. Then we moved to Chicago when I was like ten. But my brother fell in with a bad crowd and then we had to move when I was twelve. Went to NYC. And that was when it all got a bit fucked up. The dysphoria got worse because of puberty, self harm, bullying, and I came out. 16, I got my binder! That was...amazing!" I say, my voice breaking from emotion slightly. "At 20, I moved to Pasadena in California, and at 22 I became a tattoo artist and bartender. Before that, I worked in retail. What about you? What'd you do for fun and stuff?"
"Well, obviously draw! But I also...god, it's so embarrassing! I used to write and read anime fanfiction." She laughs, blushing .
"Fair, I used to read a lot of fanfic about my interests."
"Chocolate!" She exclaims, and I laugh slightly as she slides off, and returns to the floor, happy to search low down so her legs didn't have to stay upright.
Suddenly, I inhale sharply, cramping. "Blair? You okay? Do you need a bowl or something?" She asks, concerned, examining me carefully. To be fair, she had good reason. My normally olive skin had gone extremely pale
"I'm fine!" I gasp, the pain easing slightly. She throws the strong painkillers the hospital gave us for if we were in immense pain. "Ayóó anííníshní" I murmur, and she looks at me, very confused. "I love you!" I laugh, and she smiles gently.
"Have you drank enough?" She grins, sitting beside me again and handing me a bar of chocolate. I think, then slide toward the sink, collecting a glass on the way. She shakes her head laughing as I chug a glass, then another. And another. Then I tear it open and nibble the essence of my sanity. There's a knock at the door and open it. "Can I help you?"
"Zooble?"
"Pomni!" I gasp, "Oh my- Tamsyn! Get over here!"
"Tamsyn?"
"Gangle. I'm ummmm...I'm Blair!"
"Katherine technically, but people call me Kit. Probably because I told them to." She laughs nervously as Tamsyn comes up behind me.
"Hey!" She grins and Kit smiles back.
"So, how you holding up?"
"This morning we had a dash for pads, ummm...Tam's legs got extremely fucked up, and I've cried. A lot."
"Gangle got her period back already! Oh you poor thing"
I shake my head, and fight back tears as I point to my binded chest-which was starting to ache at this point. This earns me a sympathetic 'poor you!' Smile that makes me want to rip my teeth out, before she sighs.
"I better go"
"You got a place to stay?"
"Yeah, I'll let you know the address next time I can stop by, yeah? See ya"
"Gangle, I don't think I can do this every single fucking month."
"We'll get you on birth control or something, just hang in there this time, okay?" She hummed, not bothering to correct me.
"I don't think I can do this body anymore." I rasp, eyes filling again. She holds me close and sways me, till her legs get too weak.
"Tam? I think I can remember some of the Navajo. Shijéí naa nish’aah. I give you my heart."
We sit in silence for a while until I yet again break it. "Y'know, the Navajo tribe and loads of other Indigenous peoples, not only in America, have other gender identities. A lot of them were lost to colonisation, but anyway. The Navajo people had Nádleeh, or two spirit. A lot of Natives had these actually. They were highly respected, honoured even. It was believed, well not exactly believed but I don't have the words, anyway it was believed they had two spirits, one masculine or feminine. They were given important roles such as educators and healers, or taking care of children. They were crucial in certain ceremonies and stories from the culture. When...When they were colonised, the residential schools and those disgusting colonists tried to erase them from the culture. Tried to erase the First Nations people. And it's taken years for them to regain the same respect, but they're slowly reclaiming their identity after it was stripped away." I ramble, getting angry at certain parts. She listens intently and rests her head against my shoulder.
"The colonists were awful. They did similar things everywhere. It's disgusting. Trying to tear away the identities. But what they did to the Native Americans was possibly one of the worst examples."
"They killed children. They let them die in the residential schools, and they abused them. And forced people into acting how they would in their country. Trying to erase their traditions. And it almost worked at first. Not to the First Nations people, but to the new settlers. They had no idea about the rich culture they'd tried to stamp out. It's disgusting and it's never been solved. So many people have no idea what happened." I say, anger filling my voice.
"I know, Blair, I know." She soothes.
"How come you never mess up my name anyway? I constantly slip up but I've never been Zooble again. I'm not complaining, it's better than being deadnamed by people, like before the circus, but it's just...how?"
"I'm not sure if I'm honest. It just clicked somewhere and boom, Blair."
"Fair enough...hey, babe, if you sleep now then you won't sleep tonight" I laugh as she nuzzles against me.
"Don't care...tell me about something. A story or anything. I like your voice."
"Coyote was walking one day when he met Old Woman." I began, striking her hair gently. "She greeted him and asked where he was headed. 'Just roaming around,' said Coyote.
'You better stop going that way, or you'll meet a giant who kills everybody.'
'Oh, giants don't frighten me,' said Coyote (who had never met one). 'I always kill them. I'll fight this one too, and make an end of him.'
'He's bigger and closer than you think,' said Old Woman.
'I don't care,' said Coyote, deciding that a giant would be about as big as a bull moose and calculating that he could kill one easily.
So Coyote said good-bye to Old Woman and went ahead, whistling a tune. On his way he saw a large fallen branch that looked like a club. Picking it up, he said to himself, 'I'll hit the giant over the head with this. It's big enough and heavy enough to kill him.' He walked on and came to a huge cave right in the middle of the path. Whistling merrily, he went in. Suddenly Coyote met a woman who was crawling along on the ground." And it is now that my grandfather's voice fills my mind
'What's the matter?' he asked.
'I'm starving,' she said, 'and too weak to walk. What are you doing with that stick?'
'I'm going to kill the giant with it,' said Coyote, and he asked if she knew where he was hiding. Feeble as she was, the woman laughed. 'You're already in the giant's belly.'
'How can I be in his belly?' asked Coyote. 'I haven't even met him.'
'You probably thought it was a cave when you walked into his mouth,' the woman said, and sighed. 'It's easy to walk in, but nobody ever walks out. This giant is so big you can't take him in with your eyes. His belly fills a whole valley.'
Coyote threw his stick away and kept on walking. What else could he do?
Soon he came across some more people lying around half dead. 'Are you sick?' he asked.
'No,' they said, 'just starving to death. We're trapped inside the giant.'
'You're foolish,' said Coyote. 'If we're really inside this giant, then the cave walls must be the inside of his stomach. We can just cut some meat and fat from him.'
'We never thought of that,' they said.
'You're not as smart as I am,' said Coyote.
Coyote took his hunting knife and started cutting chunks out of the cave walls. As he had guessed, they were indeed the giant's fat and meat, and he used it to feed the starving people. He even went back and gave some meat to the woman he had met first. Then all the people imprisoned in the giant's belly started to feel stronger and happier, but not completely happy. 'You've fed us," they said, "and thanks. But how are we going to get out of here?'
'Don't worry," said Coyote. 'I'll kill the giant by stabbing him in the heart. Where is his heart? It must be around here someplace.'
'Look at the volcano puffing and beating over there,' someone said.
'Maybe it's the heart.'
'So it is, friend,' said Coyote, and began to cut at this mountain.
Then the giant spoke up. "Is that you, Coyote? I've heard of you. Stop this stabbing and cutting and let me alone. You can leave through my mouth; I'll open it for you."
"I'll leave, but not quite yet," said Coyote, hacking at the heart. He told the others to get ready. "As soon as I have him in his death throes, there will be an earthquake. He'll open his jaw to take a last breath, and then his mouth will close forever. So be ready to run out fast!"
Coyote cut a deep hole in the giant's heart, and lava started to flow out. It was the giant's blood. The giant groaned, and the ground under the people's feet trembled.
"Quick, now!" shouted Coyote. The giant's mouth opened and they all ran out. The last one was the wood tick. The giant's teeth were closing on him, but Coyote managed to pull him through at the last moment.
"Look at me," cried the wood tick, "I'm all flat!"
"It happened when I pulled you through," said Coyote. "You'll always be flat from now on. Be glad you're alive."
"I guess I'll get used to it," said the wood tick, and he did.
Tamsyn is asleep, smiling slightly, and I myself feel calmer despite the dull ache in my ribs that my binder has created. Pressed up against my side, her body radiated a comforting warmth. We stay like that for a while till she starts whimpering and mumbling.
"Jax! Jax, no! Give it back...give it back! No no no no no!" She cries, starting to thrash slightly.
"Tam! Tamsyn! TAM!" I exclaim, shaking her awake gently.
"Huh? What- oh it's you. Right, of course..." She mutters, blushing furiously. Stroking her cheek gently, I remember how much it would hurt me when my mother found me after I relived the day I saw my brother get shot. This must feel a similar way, surely? She starts crying softly, something that she hasn't done since the hospital, and my heart aches for her.
"I'm sorry" she sniffs, and I shake my head.
"Tam, you deserve to show emotions."
"I...what time is it?"
"7:45" I answer, glancing at my watch. She nods.
"Time to take my meds, I'll be right back, okay?" She murmurs, getting to her feet slowly. Stumbling, she walks out of sight, and I think that maybe this is not much better for her than the circus.
I haven't changed my pad for almost nine hours, and I know that it's too long, and I know I've probably bled through. But the thought of changing it fills me with distress, and I can't cry again. I can't. And my brain starts filling up with the bad thoughts.
"Tam? I'm going to get some fresh air!" I yell, trying to keep my voice steady. I don't know where I'm going, or what I'll do, but I'm going there.
I lay down on the ground in the park and look at the bare trees. Then it begins snowing, the bitter November cold setting in, filling my bones. And I hear a voice I never wanted to hear again. "Oi, loser! What ya doing on the ground?" It sneers.
"FUCK OFF, JAX!" I scream, and he staggers back.
"Toybox! It's you!" He snorts. "Nice to know you're unhinged in this world too!"
I ignore the tears streaming down my face, ignore the pain in my legs, ignore the terrible voices in my head, summon all my strength, stand up and punch him in the face. I collapse onto the floor, drained, and I can feel myself shivering as the snow gets heavier, and I cry out as Jax kicks me repeatedly. Over. And over. And he clearly presumes I'm male, when he starts kicking between my legs, and recoiled when he feels the blood squish. I yelp as he tries again, looking disgusted, as if a second time would fix it. And then he kicks me again, in the stomach, and in the chest, and in my knees, and I scream in anguish. And I'm bleeding now, and he takes a step back to examine me before, clearly satisfied, stalking off. I have very little strength as I haul myself up and stumble back to my apartment.
"Blair! What happened?"
I can't tell her that he's here. I can't fucking do that. So I stare at the ground.
"Blair? Are you-"
I cut her off, kissing her gently. "I don't want to talk about it, it'd make you worry."
"Blair! Tell me!" She cries, frustrated now. I shake my head.
"I need to be alone." I mutter, practically running toward the office space
Under the desk, with some old scissors I'd found in a drawer, I cut open my wrist, just so at least some of the pain is under my own control. I hear Gang-Tamsyn sit down against the door, and stifle a gentle groan of pain as I drive the blade into my skin once more. It burned slightly and I inhaled sharply and relished the slight agony. I wasn't entirely sure whether it was my encounter with Jax or the pure dysphoric experience I was currently going the that had caused this awful desire for extra pain.
It's a strange feeling to start questioning existence. You'd think that it was the one certain, but no. You just can't know. And you start thinking about the possibilities, maybe it's a dream, or a simulation, maybe not even your own dream. And you begin to be dragged into a lot of fear, because you just can't know for certain, and doubt silences you like a hand over the mouth, forcing you to bite back a shrill scream, until you fight it off, but it comes out as a whimper, the sort of pathetic noise a child would make, or a dog, and you're sort of vaguely aware of your surroundings but not fully registering them. So I do know that Tamsyn comes in, can sense her presence is there, and I'm fairly sure she says my name several times, but I don't entirely process it either. And I do notice that she leaves for a while, while I get pushed further in, confused and afraid. And I'm semi-aware when she comes back in with somebody else. Pomni.
"I don't know what happened, they wouldn't say."
"Well, what do we know?"
"They left, and came back about half an hour later covered in bruises and blood, and comes here and slits themselves open."
"This is bad. This means that Jax is here"
I cry out softly at the mention of my attacker. Pomni crouched down in front of me. "Blair? What happened?"
"I-I can't."
"Yes you can, we both know you have words."
"I can't. Not. Fucking able to"
"Mhm. Did he hurt you?"
" ...yes"
"Did he touch you inappropriately?"
"He kicked me. Down there. Hurt."
" Did he call you stupid names? "
"Yes."
"What did he call you?"
"No. No. No. No."
She sighs, standing up again and turning to Tamsyn. "You want to try?"
"They don't have to answer but okay. I'll give it a shot."
She knelt before me. "Hey, Blair. There are two ways to do this. First, we can trade information. Tell me about what happened, and I'll tell you anything you want to know. Or, you tell me what happened and I just listen. But," her voice drops to a stage whisper. "There's a secret third option that Kit won't give you, and that is your silence."
"First." I croak, and she nods gently before shifting her position and mouthing the words 'painkillers, kitchen' to Kit.
"Whenever you're ready" she murmurs.
"I...I felt all the voices again. And went to the park to get rid of them. Lay on the ground, and I hear this voice. It calls me a loser, and asks why I'm on the floor. I tell Jax to fuck off. He called me a toybox, says it's good to know that I'm still unhinged in this world too. I punch him, it drains me and I end up back in the floor. Umm...he starts to kick me. A lot. All over. And I start bleeding. He kicked me between my legs and he almost stopped just because he didn't find a duck there, but instead he continued. Then he just walks off."
"That's really bad. That's awful. Thanks, Kit." She says to me, not even turning away when she addresses Kit. After she takes the pills, she hugs me gently.
"Well, what do you want to know?"
"Your parents."
"I...I know I said anything but I really don't think you want to know. I don't think you want to hear that, not right now."
"Please?"
"Okay...okay. Gimme a second" she says, before clearing her throat. Pomni leaves, clearly getting a silent message that I missed entirely.
She tells me some awful things, most of her childhood memories are quite frankly horrific. I can see it hurting her, her voice is shaking and her nails are leaving little marks all over her hands and forearms as she presses them in. "Tam, you don't have to tell me if it's upsetting you"
"No, I want to! I need to! It's just...bad. "
"Okay"
So she continues recounting disgusting acts of cruelty her parents did, psychological impact being their main goal it seems. To discourage her from perfectly reasonable behaviour using fear. The threat of God, and heaven was common, along with reminding her that she must be careful in how she acts because of the Devil. I watch her breathing getting shakier and shakier with each word. Eventually, she bursts in tears, and loses her words completely. They don't come back for an hour. And I sit, watching her hurt. Helpless, I stare, unable to make it stop. She sniffs gently and leans against me. She gestures vaguely at my ribcage and looks at me in a way that somehow indicated to me that it's a question. "Does it ache?"
She nods.
"Yeah, it hurts a little bit, but not while Kit's out there. Although she might've left by now...come on, we'll check."
I hold her, practically carrying her out, where we find Kit. "Hey, ummm...Tam's legs...you should probably get home."
"Right, sorry, zoned out!" She laughs. I nod, and watch as she goes out the peeling door. Tamsyn falls onto the couch, tears running down her cheeks again. I wipe them away with my thumb, singing gently. An old lullaby, in my grandfather's language. He'd be proud, I think, to know I'm still passing on my culture, even if it isn't to a child. When I run out of songs, I tell her the story about the boy who could speak to animals, and then the one about the Changing woman. Then, I simply repeat beautiful to her.
Nizhóní.
Nizhóní.
Nizhóní.
Over and over, till she falls asleep. Bad health day for her. This is a lot of sleep. I remove my binder slowly, and wait for the gentle pain in my ribs to ease. I know I should change my pad too but I can't fucking handle that right now. So instead, I listen to Tamsyn's steady breathing. The in and out, reassuring me that she is still alive and kicking, lulls me into a sense of safety, one I can trust. It isn't false, it's easy and comforting, filling me with a soft warmth inside. Its gentle rhythm keeps my anxiety spiralling out of control again and weighing down my head. Then she's awake again, looking more scared than ever. "Blair?" She whimpers.
"Yeah?"
"I don't want to see my parents."
"That's okay! You don't need to!"
"My stuff...I need some of that."
"Well, I'll come with you."
"No. I don't want you to see...they...it's just a bad idea."
"I'll wait outside. When do you want to go?"
"Could we go tomorrow?"
"Of course, baby!"
We do not have a car, so we get the subway. I stand outside her parents' fancy house, and listen to the yelling and resist the urge to go in even when I hear a loud slapping sound followed by Tamsyn crying out. When she emerges, she's shaking and crying. "They threw it out." She whispers, distress making her voice quieter than normal. "All of my stuff. Except a single string of lights, and the furniture. I think they had like...two photos of me. In the entire house."
"They've tried to erase you? Why would they...you're so beautiful though! Nizhóní! You're so gentle and pretty! Why would they want to do that?"
"When they decided to have a child, they didn't want me. A cripple, broken, bad brain, wrong legs, wanted to kiss other girls. Convinced them it was a phase luckily, or they'd have sent me to the Pastor. He made sure lesbians knew male touch. They didn't particularly want a daughter either. They would've preferred a son, but they thought they could bring me up to at least be a good little Christian, virgin till marriage, and only fuck to create a child. Preferably a son. Take care of them when they're old and frail. All that sort of thing. They probably rejoiced when I went missing. Six months. That's all that passed on this world. And they erased me." She looks up at me, tears staining her cheeks. "Was I that bad?"
"No! Of course not! You're wonderful! Kind and beautiful, considerate of others. Nizhóní, remember?"
"C-can we go? I can't fucking handle this place."
"Of course, that's okay. Come on, let's get home."
"And who's this, Tamsyn?" A sickly sweet voice asks.
"Nobody! I mean ummm this is Blair...th-he is a friend of mine."
"Mhm...Well then, I suppose if you're a good friend of hers, you must be very patient."
"What's that meant to mean?" I snap.
"Temper, temper! Seems the Devil already got you! Tsk, couldn't you find a good Christian boyfriend? Or would none of them come near you? Wouldn't be surprised, you're such a selfish, ignorant coward. So emotional too!" She shrugs, grinning.
"Mom. Shut up."
"Now, will that tone help you get into heaven?" Her mother says sharply.
"No." She sighs, all the fight leaving her body. She flinched when her mother raised her hand, and I step closer to her.
"You, sorry what's your name again, ah I don't give a flying fuck. You, dickhead, why do you hate your daughter so much?"
"I'm simply doing what Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ would've wanted me to. He would've wanted me to remove her from the devil's clutches! Appears nobody did the same for you! I should wash your mouth out with soap!"
"Tam, go home." I growl at her sobbing and shaking frame, crumpled on the ground after her legs gave out. She scrambled up, nodding, and runs. It's getting dark out, it's about 8 I think. And as the sun sets, I punch Tamsyn's mother in the face. She gasps, clutching her eye dramatically.
"You should never hurt a child. Doesn't it say that anywhere in your little book?"
"Tamsyn was not a child. She was the embodiment of Satan. Still is it seems."
I double over, cramping. I straighten back up, and punch her again.
"The devil's really gotten to you! Worship him in a Sunday rather than going to church? Is that where Tamsyn was? Hm?"
"You tried to erase your own child. What is wrong with you?" I spit. She splutters at this, outraged.
"I'm doing God's work! Fixing her, so she is as ready as she can be for God's plan. That's what happened to all of these homosexuals and trans people. Can't believe that their parents let them run wild. They won't be able to get into heaven, whereas I will!"
"Good thing I'll never have to see you! Hi, I'm non-binary, ummm soon to live in hell, apparently!"
"You! You are lying to my daughter! Tainting her with the devil!"
"Oh, honey! Pretty little Tamsyn is well aware!" I laugh, anger making me seem insane.
"Disgusting creature! People like you made her like this! God would never allow this behaviour in his realm. "
Then I say something awful, that flies out my mouth before I can stop it. "Well fuck God then! " I snarl. It was a horrible thing to say, and I felt terrible but what was I meant to do? I'd already let it come out my lips.
Then she takes a swing at me and I squirm away, dodging successfully. So she tries again, and I duck. Rage turns to panic and I sprint to the subway station. Holding back tears, I stand awkwardly for twenty minutes, then walk home. I open the door, and she grins. "BLAIR!"
I sob. I just start crying at her, folding in on myself. Her face falls. "What did she do to you? Did she hurt you? What did she say?" She gabbles, terror in her face.
"I- she started calling you the devil, so I punched her. Then she was like oh trans people go to hell just like you will, so much anger. And I was like oh at least you won't be there apparently. Then she was like your ta inting my daughter. So I told her you knew and she called me disgusting said God wouldn't allow this. And I said something awful, and she tried to punch me. Quite right though, anyway I dodged both times. Then came home."
"Hey, are you...you good?"
"Not really. I still can't believe she tried to erase you. It's just so messed up. Like really fucked up."
"Hey, at least I didn't have a panic attack because she offered me some food since I was so pale."
That happened with my mother. I had to stop her, because she kept pushing and then Tam was taken to the kitchen for a conversation while me and my father sat. She was crying when she returned. "Shimá!" I'd cried, "I-"
Tam had simply asked to come home. To which I agreed.
"I suppose" I sigh, the tears beginning to stop, leaving only streaks and stains behind. "She's just so dreadful!"
"I know, I know! I lived with the woman, Blair! I promise I know."
"Sorry, it's just... Well, what the fuck? How are you do perfect with that beast for a mother?"
"I don't know, a whole lot of time and effort? Ignoring her? I'm not sure. Just grateful I'm not homophobic. I'm not perfect though, far from it. She told one truth with that fact at least. "
"You're imperfectly perfect, and that's the best thing to be, my love!"
"If you say so." She shrugs and I smile.
"It is, it makes you all the more beautiful, " I say, kissing her deeply. When we break apart, I whisper her truth into her ear.
"Nizhoní."