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“I can’t believe we have to go to [city name] for this job.” Kazuki whines flopping face first onto the sofa. He quickly realises this is an uncomfortable position and rolls onto his back looking up at Rei desperately.
“We can’t exactly take Miri with us.” Rei muses sitting down cross-legged on the floor.
“She’d be a pain. We’d have to leave her at a hotel! Then she’d wreck it or get kidnapped or follow us!”
“We could just go for the day.”
“Then we’d be leaving her here alone and that has a history of going terribly!”
“I didn’t mean to lose her.” Rei mumbles arms folded like a moody little kid told off.
“I know that, it’s ok.” Kazuki reaches out from his spot and pets his head. “But we don’t want it to happen again.”
“We need someone to take care of her for the day.”
“Yes! That’s it! We can just get a babysitter!”
Kazuki sits up quickly startling Rei who springs to his feet like a surprised cat. Kazuki pulls his phone from his pocket instinctively moving over so poor spooked Rei can settle beside him. Babysitters near me he searches hopefully.
The first thing that comes up is Crossover babysitters. He clicks on it and the pair stare at the website. It has thousands of babysitters of varying price and rating. They quickly make an account so they can book one and doom scroll the site.
“What about that one?” Rei asks pointing at one with a picture of two guys with four stars and a not so bad price. One has messy, slightly overgrown black hair and the others is spiky and pure white. He looks like an angry cloud landed on his head. The black haired one is dressed in a baggy jacket and has a cheerful expression, white hair looks rather more serious and is wearing a black t-shirt under a white shirt.
After some scouring of their reviews and credentials they make their choice. They contact the pair, Lu Guang and Cheng Xiaoshi, who agree to take Miri tomorrow.
“Should we maybe ask Miri about this?” Rei asks looking up in the general direction of her bedroom.
“Yeah yeah, i’ll go.”
Rei and Kazuki scramble about the house grabbing any stray guns, weapons, photos or other signs of their profession as hitmen.
“What are you doing?” Miri asks Kazuki appearing at his side, bouncing on her toes excitedly.
“Just… cleaning?”
“Can I help!” She asks already running off.
“Please don’t!” He shouts after her knowing it’s too late. He just left standing there waiting, frozen, a glock in one hand well aware whatever she does won’t help him. A minute or two later she appears again at the end of the hall dragging a mop behind her. No bucket of water just a too big mop she ran under the tap. I mean it’s cute but come on Miri even I can see this is unhelpful and unnecessary. It’s clearly wet as she leaves a long snail trail of water behind. Oh darling.
Kazuki, don’t you dare yell at her. Poor baby’s trying.
“I got the cleaning thingie!”
“S’a mop.”
“I got a mop! Can I help now?”
“Sorry Miri but we don’t need a mop right now,” Kazuki says kneeling down to her hight.
Ok. Acceptable. Continue.
“Then what are you doing?”
“I’m tidying so your babysitters aren’t drowning in stuff.” Lie. Kazuki’s bad at lying but Miri isn’t smart enough to notice.
The door bell sounds and they both turn their heads to the noise.
“Shitshitshit!” Kazuki mutters shoving the glock into his pocket and grabbing the mop from Miri’s clutches. She refuses to let go. “Come on kid I’ve got to open the door. You know Rei won’t.”
She shakes her head, a bright smile that comes from knowing she’s being annoying and enjoying it greatly. He sighs deeply and just grabs both her and the mop under one arm. Naturally she instantly gives in and lets the mop drop to the floor laughing. Kazuki tries not to shout at her and just pushes it to the side with his foot.
You’ll be out of the house soon he reassures himself.
Poor guy needs a break.
Cheng Xioashi and Lu Guang are stood behind the door waiting for an answer.
“Maybe it’s the wrong house?” He asks turning to Lu Guang, hoping for help.
He just shrugs and the hope in Cheng Xioashi’s eyes dies.
A few months ago Qiao Ling told him he had to become more responsible and Lu Guang agreed. Apparently babysitting was gonna help with this somehow but Cheng Xioashi didn’t see how it could. Yet he hadn’t managed to talk himself out if it. The best he got was an agreement that Lu Guang would come with him as supervisor the first few times. This is his last job with Lu Guang and he is nervous. Kids are harder to look after than he thought they’d be.
Finally the door opens and he sighs in relief. At least he got the right house.
“Good morning! I’m Cheng Xioashi and this is Lu Guang!” He says holding out a hand, Kazuki smiles back using the hand that isn’t holding up Miri to shake Cheng Xioashi’s.
“Nice to see you, sorry for calling you out on such short notice.”
“No problem.” They hadn’t had a case in a few days so the pair were pretty happy to have something to do.
“Anyways this is Miri. Say hi Miri.” Kazuki places Miri on the floor beside him one hand on her head as if to say stay here idiot.
“Hi Miri!” Cheng Xiaoshi says on instinct before realising he was talking to the girl.
“Hiya!” She echos giving her babysitters a wave.
“Kazuki, we need to go soon.” Rei whispers appearing seemingly from thin air at Kazuki’s shoulder.
“Don’t worry we’ll be done in a sec.” Kazuki assures slinging an arm around Rei and making room for Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang to enter. They all stand awkwardly in the large hallway for several moments until Miri gets bored.
“Why’s your hair white?” Miri asks tugging on Lu Guang’s arm.
“Magic.”
“Really! Teach me!”
“Sorry it’s wasn’t my magic, I was cursed as baby.” Lu Guang answers without skipping a beat.
“Awww!”
“So umm… what time does she eat dinner?” Cheng Xioashi asks Kazuki trying to play dependable and mature.
“Around six but she’s pretty flexible, Rei should have bought pizza for you and that’ll be in the fridge.”
“And bed time?”
“Sevenish?”
“And when will you be back?”
“Between midnight and 4am. Hopefully.” Kazuki looks over at Rei for confirmation and he just shrugs.
They seem really clear on that. Not a red flag at all for the babysitter being paid in advance.
“Sounds like your having a blast!”
“Literally.”
“What?”
“Oh nothing, need to know anything else?”
“We’ll be fine, I can text you anyway!”
“We’ll be off then!” Kazuki lets go of Rei slinging a bag over his arm. He’s failing to mask his excitement, Rei on the other hand has trouble showing any emotion.
They head out the door letting it slam behind them.
Cheng Xioashi looks over at Lu Guang and Miri; Lu Guang leans against the wall arms folded, smiling.
He isn’t going to do this for him.
“Hi Miri! My names Cheng Xioashi.” He says crouching down to her level.
“That’s a bit of a mouthful.”
“Don’t worry about that Xioashi’s fine.”
“Kay!” She says no longer looking at him or paying attention.
“So what would you like to do?”
“Huh?”
“What would you like to do.”
“Dress up.” She states smiling evilly. Cheng Xioashi deflates. Yet again he’s doomed to a too small princess dress and hair clips. Or so he rather obnoxiously thought.
Ten minutes later he’s dressed in a figure hugging red dress, a white blanket over the back of his head as a wedding headdress and a bouquet of brightly coloured pencils. Opposite him is Lu Guang desperately trying to refuse the fancy suit being shoved at him.
“What are we doing again?” Cheng Xioashi asks nervously for the fifth time. Darling, look at yourself, what do you think she’s doing.
“Practicing.” Miri says at last like it’s obvious.
“For what?”
“In case my papa’s get married.” She says like it’s the most obvious thing, moving to stand on the arm to the sofa and trying to unbutton Lu Guang’s blue and white shirt.
“No! You can’t do that.” Lu Guang chastises finally getting more involved than simply saying no repeatedly.
“But-”
“No.” Oh grand we’re back. He reaches out picks up the child under the arms and places her on the floor with a final definitive, “no.”
“Fine. Just put this on then!” She thrust a black suit jacket into his hands and folds her arms.
Lu Guang looks at Cheng Xioashi for help but he just shrugs, “I put on the dress didn’t i?” He says pleased, very much enjoying his friends’ pain more than the prospect of marrying him in essentially drag.
Slowly, like his arms have turned to led Lu Guang pulls on the jacket and turns to Cheng Xioashi. Miri scuttles between them holding two rings made from twisted paperclips. They don’t look very comfortable.
“Say your vows,” she hisses.
Both Lu Guang and Cheng Xioashi stare at each other pointedly waiting for the other to speak.
“Do we have to…?” Cheng Xioashi asks at last.
“How else will you get married?”
“Do we have to get married?”
“Well s’pose not… but you’re in the dress! And besides i’m doing research. This is very educational!”
“I am in the dress.” Cheng Xioashi echoes, thoughtful.
Lu Guang clears his throat and for a second it sounds as though he’s going to refuse to participate. Then he speaks. “I Lu Guang, take you, Cheng Xioashi to be my lawfully wedded husband…” he pauses not knowing the words.
“To have and to hold from this day to the end of worlds.” Miri whispers definitely also getting the words wrong but no one here cares.
“To have and to hold through sickness and in health from this day to the end of worlds.” Lu Guang finishes his speech somehow looking Cheng Xioashi in the eyes and not laughing.
Uncertain if he’s meant to make new ones up or not Cheng Xioashi just repeats his partners as best as he remembers. Miri is very pleased with her results. As am I.
“A ring for you! A ring for you! You may now kiss your husband!” She shouts roughly pushing a ring onto their respective fingers.
Isn’t this such a proper and realistic ceremony?
“I don’t want to kiss him!” Cheng Xioashi shouts now more uncomfortable than ever.
“Oh, why not Xioashi? Just on the cheek.” Lu Guang is fully into the role-play now all qualms forgotten in a second. He’s having a blast.
“i… it’s kinda gay.”
“Oh boo hoo. What’s so wrong about that.”
“shut up!”
“Kiss me then!”
Scowling and giving him the middle finger Cheng Xioashi does in fact kiss him on the cheek. Lu Guang laughs and so does Miri, Cheng Xioashi scowl only lasts a few more seconds. He laughs too. It wasn’t so bad. It felt nice he thinks. Not like these things are solely romantic anyway.
“So what now! You wanna play hide and seek?” Miri yells already bored of standing around.
“How about some drawing Miri or a film?”
“Mmmmm… draw what?”
“How about you make a drawing for your papa’s. Either of them got a birthday coming up?”
“Kazuki?”
“Great you do that.” Cheng Xioashi says walking off without a second glance to join Lu Guang.
Lu Guang gives him a judgemental look but he doesn’t notice.
“Aren’t I doing well!” He announces instead leaning back against the window hands behind his head.
“So well.”
“Don’t use that tone! I fucking role played with her.”
“Playing isn’t all of it. In fact that’s just the part you’re good at.”
“I’m not that bad! I have decent reviews.”
“Because I intervene.”
“Get off your high horse i’d like to see you do the dirty work for once.”
“At least I’ve kept an eye on her. You’ve yet to notice that she’s planning on drawing on the walls.” Lu Guang points idly. He’s clearly acting, just trying to earn a funny reaction from his friend. It’s mean but meant without malice.
“Oh fuck!” Cheng Xioashi shouts giving Lu Guang just the reaction he was looking for. Funny, uncalled volume and it lets him pretend their life really is this trivial.
“Don’t swear in front little kids.” Lu Guang tells him watching him run over to the kid. Cheng Xioashi grabs her arm before she can start to stain the wall in felt tip
“What?” She asks complete innocence in her eyes.
“You can’t draw on the walls.”
“I was gonna make a mural thing for my Papa Kazuki like you asked.”
“I said draw a picture!” Cheng Xioashi is starting to sound desperate, maybe he should help. He doesn’t want him actually stressed. Wouldn’t want two twenty something year olds with white hair.
“You didn’t say where.” Miri retorts, “I thought it would look better on the wall.”
“How about we just watch a film kid. You watched the lego movie?”
“No?”
“Let’s try that.”
The rest of the day passes relatively smoothly with only one minor fiasco where Cheng Xioashi fell over Miri’s mop and cut his knee. Apart from that smooth sailing. Cheng Xioashi is pretty proud of himself. One of the best tries he’d ever had. But now it’s the evening and this, for him at least, is the hard part.
“Lu Guang!” Cheng Xioashi exclaims grabbing his arm. “Do you remember what they said was for dinner?”
“Qiao Ling’s orders i’m not allowed to give you any hints.” Lu Guang is sat on the sofa reading to Miri who’s half asleep leaning on his shoulder.
“Can you point?”
Lu Guang points in the general direction of the fridge and Cheng Xioashi glares at him.
“Well that’s pretty obvious!”
“That’s all i’m giving you.”
“Could you mime it?”
Lu Guang shakes his head pointing to the little girl leaning on him. “Sorry i’m stuck here.”
“I hate you!”
“Shhh, she’s sleepy!”
Cheng Xioashi gives him the middle finger again and stalks over to the fridge pulling it open.
“Wait was it pizza!” He shouts spinning round to face Lu Guang triumphantly.
“Well done!”
“Alright, pizza pizza pizza,” he says turning back to the fridge and scanning the contents. Leftovers, leftovers, vegetables, tofu, hamburg steak ingredients, more leftovers. No pizza. “You sure it was pizza?”
“That’s what Kazuki said.”
“I can’t see it.”
And he was correct. The pizza was not in fact in the fridge. Unfortunately Rei had been given the job of buying the emergency easy meal and his understanding of the kitchen was… well to put it politely sub par. To put it bluntly absolutely shit. Rei had bought the pizza, he had brought it into the kitchen and then he had put it in the freezer. So round of applause for him please.
Anyway Cheng Xioashi didn’t think to check the freezer. Which was fair enough. He also didn’t want to look stupid and wanted to get this babysitting thing done as soon as possible. This meant he had to pull the least screwups and possible.
“Why don’t you take her to her bedroom. She seems shattered.” Cheng Xioashi says desperate to get Lu Guang out of the room.
“A bit late for a nap though isn’t it? And Kazuki didn’t mention her needing one.”
“Yeah but if she’s that tired no point forcing her to stay awake, right?”
“It’ll just make bedtime harder as she won’t be tired.” Lu Guang explains petting Miri’s head.
She’s almost entirely asleep anyway so I think the arguments pointless. Just let her sleep in her bed.
“That’s fine whatever happens her papas aren’t home until early morning and she’ll be asleep by then.”
“Fine, but if this goes to shit it was your call.” Lu Guang picks Miri up gently and carries her out of the room leaving Cheng to figure out what to do about food.
He takes out his phone and calls a pizza place. Solid decision. Lie to them. This’ll look believable.
First of all, it’s unlikely that Lu Guang will stay in Miri’s room so he’ll easy walk in and see what’s happening. Second of all, they’ll hear the door bell when the pizza arrives. Third of all, it’s pretty obvious when you get takeaway pizza instead of shop bought. He’s screwed. He’s fucked. He’s doomed.
But shockingly Lu Guang does stay in her room reading to the child who’s refusing to take a full on nap. Then Cheng Xioashi waits just outside the front door for the delivery guy so the doorbell will never go off. Am I an idiot or did he just think through this plan more than I thought he did? Well still they’ll see the pizza isn’t shop bought. Right?
Wrong. After Cheng Xioashi has collected the pizza put it on a plate, binned the box and set it on the table it just looks like an expensive shop bought pizza.
“This is nice,” Lu Guang muses giving Cheng Xioashi a slightly suspicious look.
“I know right? I should have checked the brand, it’s restaurant worthy.”
Lu Guang still looks a tad sceptical but doesn’t interrogate him farther. Cheng Xioashi won. Well done him.
*A week later*
“Hey Rei! Why’s there a Pizza in the freezer!”