Work Text:
Work. Work, work, work, work. That's all Kikoru had done her entire life. Be it studying in school, at home physically training, pushing herself as far as possible until she was exhausted because she had to. For her parents, her comrades, the country—so rest was a rare luxury. Admittedly, that very drive affected every other aspect of her life. Friends never stuck around for long, and her mind barely drifted elsewhere when she focused on training and improving skills.
Maybe because it was easier like that.
So when rumors began to spread that she'd be made vice-captain in her second year, that was it. She was finally getting recognized for her hard work, all those years spent buried in textbooks and after-school workouts finally paid off. That didn't mean she had the room to slack off now. Quite the opposite, actually. She had to work even harder now.
She extended her training routine and even told Narumi to make their sparring sessions more challenging. Upon the third time she complained about it not being demanding as she'd have liked, he frowned.
It wasn't his usual tantrum or disappointed pout, this was different—something that resembled unease.
"You're asking too much." he simply said.
Triumphant, Kikoru replied, "Or maybe, you're finally out of tricks. Have I beaten you?"
Narumi's brows drew together, conflicted if he should voice what he was about to say. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but you've been crazy extreme with your training lately." He folded his arms. "I don't think I've seen you leave the base for leisure in the past few months. I mean, it's not like I have either, but at least I got my games to keep me company. All you do now is work your butt off." Then he added, "9 is gone now too. Chillax."
All she did was stick her nose in the air in disbelief. She was not about to take advice from him of all people.
If anything, she just pushed herself further. Spent more hours in the gym, always did her best to kill more kaiju each time she was deployed and improve her techniques. Wake up, go for a jog, hit the gym, take down kaiju if needed, train herself in the No. 4 suit and her axe. Sleep, work, repeat.
Then late afternoon, she showed up at the 3rd Division to train with Vice-captain Hoshina. It started out normal, great, even. He'd remarked she'd gotten faster. Improved. The others—Iharu, Reno, Aoi, Haruichi—were watching. She can't slip up here. That's what she always had to do; prove herself. Always.
But something happened. She doesn't remember exactly what, but one moment she was fighting Hoshina, and the next moment she was on the ground. Many people screamed. Hoshina immediately dropped his swords and called out for help. Reno and Iharu were at her side first. Reno lifted her head from the ground, concerned about her state.
"Shinomiya… What…?"
She didn't hear the rest of his question before she blacked out, the circle of faces around her fading to a blur then black.
Cerulean blue. That was the colour of the sky she woke up in. Cloudless and clear, she realized she was floating.
Oh…
Was this it for her?
Death?
"Not yet." a soft voice said to her.
Kikoru looked behind her. It was Hikari— no, it was her mom.
"Mama?"
She tried to reach out, attempting to get closer. But each advance she made seemed to push them farther apart, somehow. Kikoru swallowed. "Mama, please… I keep going like this… even though I don't want to."
Hikari sat down. "Hey, hey. Take a moment. Breathe. Sit with me."
Kikoru also sat down too, or something akin to that since they were in the air. "I think I overdid it." she admitted. "I just… I don't know. I should've been over it after the whole thing with No. 15, but I can't seem to shake my own habits off." She looked up. "What do I do?"
Hikari put a hand on her chin thoughtfully. "I don't think grief is something you just 'get over' with one day. I mean… it sticks. But that doesn't mean you have to self-destruct when you're afraid of letting yourself feel it."
Ashamed, Kikoru hung her head. "Running and avoiding is all I know how to deal with it. And… I don't know if anyone can handle it. Handle me."
Her mother tilted her head. "Have you tried? Letting anyone in?" she crossed her legs. "You'll never know who can accept you, every part of you, if you close yourself off from trying."
"And if they don't accept me?" Kikoru asked.
"They will."
Hikari's arms embraced her all of a sudden. The distance between them had vanished. "If they really value you, they'll accept you a whole." She caressed Kikoru's head. "You deserve more. To feel loved, each and every part of you. But never hurt yourself trying to earn validation."
Kikoru hugged her back, tight. "Thank you."
When she came to, the room was quiet. She was in her shirt and pants, jacket taken off and draped on the side of her bed. An IV drip was connected to her hand, and she was hooked up to an ECG. Reno was the only one there, eyes closed, sitting upright in his seat. He looked a little out of place sitting next to her bed. If she had the energy to laugh, she would have. It was pretty out of character for him to stay here alone, since they're not particularly close.
Kikoru turned her head. "You look like a statue." she said.
He looked over at her in surprise. "Oh, you're up."
Kikoru sighed. "Yeah. But… What exactly happened?"
Reno pulled his chair a little closer, exhaling with a discomfort she's unfamiliar with. "Well, you fainted."
She deadpanned at him. "Thanks for pointing that out, captain obvious."
He cleared his throat. "Sorry. I meant, you fainted because of overexertion and dehydration. The doctor said it seems you hadn't eaten properly in days and barely drank water. Plus the strenuous physical activity made it too much to handle."
And there it was. She'd forgotten to eat and drink completely? Wow. It really was that bad. She didn't even notice, brushed off the headaches and irritation along with the constant fatigue. "Huh, that was stupid." she wondered out loud.
Reno leaned back against his chair. "At least you realized it. Here I thought I was a workaholic, but you're next level." When he looked at her, his face changed completely. "Are you… crying?"
Kikoru brought a hand up to her face. Sure enough, her fingers were wet with tears. "Guess I am." Her throat tightened up as she held back a sob. "I— I…"
He looked a little lost at first, unsure of what to do. Then he put a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, take it easy." Once she stopped hiccuping, he let go and paused for a long moment. "Do you... wanna talk about it?"
She wiped her face, trying to compose herself again.
"Yeah. I'd like that."