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Caring for an alien is more difficult than Rocky ever could have imagined.
They wouldn't trade Grace for anything, of course. As leaky and clumsy and stupid as he can be, he's the best friend they'll ever have and they love him an amount that's almost hard to believe. But there are so many difficult and obscure aspects of Grace's biology that Rocky just doesn't know how to contend with.
Right now, they're holding Grace's hands still while he tries to catch his breath. This is, at least, something that Rocky's seen before - a ‘panic attack’, as Grace had called it - but that doesn't make it any less horrifying. The fact that humans can get so emotional that entire systems of their body cease to function properly is, in a word, crazy. They don't understand how humans deal with this kind of thing, much less as often as it seems to happen to Grace. They don't understand how it even happens, the mechanics of it.
But what they do understand is that Grace needs them. It's not so hard to make sure he calms down, all things considered. Just staying close, with careful touch, helps a lot. The sound of their voice also seems to work well as they quietly sing words of comfort.
Eventually, Grace starts to relax. “Thank you,” he says. “Sorry.”
Rocky gives a sound of mild frustration. “No apologies.” They've been through this plenty of times before. Grace always feels like he's being a burden with his feelings, and Rocky always has to remind him that he's not, and that they're happy to be of help. At least they've been able to downgrade the force of his apologies - a single ‘sorry’ is a vast improvement from the outpouring of shame he used to display.
Rocky stays in their position until Grace stops trembling, then lets him go so he can get up from the floor and sit somewhere more comfortable. He says something about going to sleep soon, but Rocky isn't fully paying attention.
Grace has said before that these panic attacks aren't fatal, that the worst that could happen is for him to briefly lose consciousness if he can't get his breathing back under control. That hadn't been comforting at all.
Anything could happen to Grace, he's so fragile. The additional research Rocky's been doing with the laptop has only confirmed this. Humans can die from something as simple as a small hit to the wrong part of their head. They can even die randomly, with no prior warning, from something called an ‘aneurysm’. The blood vessels in their brains can just explode!
“Rocky?”
Not to mention the practically infinite hazards that he could still encounter on the ship. He's already so clumsy, even a tiny motion out of place could send him right into the ground, especially if the ship were to fly out into a spin like it did on Adrian. Now that Rocky has the xenonite suit, they're better equipped to help, but an injury that's bad enough could kill Grace nearly instantly.
“Rocky, you okay?”
And, of course, the starvation problem. Grace isn't quite to the point of concern yet, but he will be before they get to Erid. He'd come back for Rocky knowing that he didn't have enough food to survive for very long, and soon enough, he’s going to have to start rationing it. From that time forward, Grace will encounter a whole new host of problems, many of which could lead to his death. However much Rocky wants to believe that the other Eridians will be willing and able to save him, he could still end up dying before they even get the chance.
“Can you… can you hear me?”
They love Grace, they really do, but why does he have to be so vulnerable? Rocky has already lost twenty-two crewmates without being able to do anything about it, and now they’re responsible for yet another crewmate who seems like he’s on the edge of death at all times. If something serious happens to Grace, if he dies, and Rocky can’t do anything to help him, that might just be more than they can take.
“Rocky!”
A sudden and sharp banging sound against the floor startles Rocky out of their thoughts, and they see that Grace has returned to kneeling in front of them. He shakes his hand out a little bit after smacking the floor with it. “Sorry for the noise. You were really still and quiet all of a sudden, and you hadn’t said you were going to sleep, so… I thought something might be wrong. Is everything okay?”
They had been caught in somewhat of a spiral, hadn’t they? Eridians don’t experience physically overwhelming panic like humans seem to, but that doesn’t mean they can’t get caught up in their emotions. Rocky starts to feel a little guilty for making Grace worry, and suddenly Grace’s constant apologies make more sense. It is a somewhat sickly feeling, making someone concerned over you. It reminds them of how it felt to wake up after healing from being in Grace’s atmosphere and realize just how much Grace had agonized over whether or not they’d be alright. “Yes, everything okay. Was just thinking too much. Sorry for worrying Grace.”
“Didn’t you just tell me not to apologize?” Grace retorts, which is exactly what Rocky had expected him to do. "Do you want to tell me what you were thinking about?”
No, Rocky doesn’t particularly want to get into this with Grace. They know it’ll make him feel even worse. The two of them are seemingly trapped in an endless cycle of worrying for each other and then feeling bad about making the other worry. Rocky supposes that’s just what happens when one makes a best friend and then goes through inordinate amounts of trauma with them. But they can’t exactly hide it from Grace either - they have been the number one proponent of getting Grace to talk about what troubles him, and it would be rather hypocritical of them to refuse to do the same.
“... Grace very fragile,” they say hesitantly. “Easy to hurt, easy to die. Rocky can’t always protect. If Grace die like other crewmates, would be very very very sad. Blame self even if no fault. And - miss best friend very much.”
Grace is quiet as he takes it all in. His heartbeat runs slightly faster than the expected base rate, but otherwise, he seems to accept the information well enough. It seems like he’s trying to avoid getting sad about it because he knows Rocky will feel worse if he does - it’s kind of him to try, even if Rocky knows the truth. “I wish you didn’t worry so much, but I understand why you do. Compared to you, I know I seem really… unprotected. And I get hurt all the time, that’s true. But that’s why humans evolved to be so resilient, you know?”
“New word.” Rocky tilts their carapace. “What humans evolved to be.”
“Oh, resilient?” Grace thinks for a moment. “It means we have the ability to recover from really bad things. You’ve seen me get hurt plenty of times, but I’ve always bounced back afterwards, haven’t I? I know there’s lots of dangers up here, and I’m sure I’ll keep getting hurt, but I’m really good at recovering from it!”
“Word is ‘resilient’. Does not mean Grace can recover from death.”
“Now you’re just being stubborn. We’re flying through space in a metal box, Rocky, either one of us could die from anything. The worry is natural, but we should try not to let it get the better of us. All we can do is our best.”
That last phrase is one that Grace has used before when he was explaining what happened to Rocky’s crew. He’d been adamant back then that Rocky shouldn’t blame themself for any of it. ‘All we can do is our best’. It’s supposed to mean that there will always be factors outside of your control, and you can’t always be blaming yourself for the failures that those factors will inevitably cause. If you did your best, then you couldn’t have done anything more, and that has to be enough. “Then we both worry for each other in acceptable amount,” they say, “and do best to not die.”
“Well… yeah, alright, that’s good enough.” Grace huffs fondly. “Now I’m going to sleep.” He gets up from the ground, his joints making those obscene cracking noises that human bones often do, and gestures for Rocky to follow him to the dormitory.
At first, Grace had objected to Rocky staying in his bed with him every night. It had something to do with the way bed-sharing is perceived by humans, and then his next problem was that he didn’t want Rocky to feel obligated to do it, and then his third problem was that it felt too indulgent, whatever that is supposed to mean. Rocky had thought that all of these objections were ridiculous. Why should they care what other humans would think when they’re so far from Earth? Why would he think it’s an ‘obligation’ for Rocky when they’re always happy to do it? And why shouldn’t they get to indulge in something that makes them both happy after going through so much?
Now, it’s simply routine for them to curl up together as Grace gets ready to sleep. Rocky always says that they like to be near Grace and that closer sleep-watching is more natural for Eridians anyway, but the part they avoid admitting aloud is that when they’re close to Grace like this, they can hear him so much better. The one-two rhythm of his heartbeat, the flow of air through his lungs, the small involuntary movements his muscles make. Like this, even when he’s unconscious, Grace feels so vividly alive.
Even on Adrian, when the ship was spinning out of control and Grace was being crushed against the console, his heartbeat never stopped. His breathing did, and it was horrifying to count the seconds that Grace went without oxygen and listen to his body struggle for air, but the heartbeat went on. Sometimes it goes at different speeds, sometimes it can only be heard faintly from another room, but it’s always there. Hopefully it will continue to always be there.
“Hey, Rocky…” Grace says suddenly, his voice partially slurred like it always is when he’s right on the edge of falling asleep. Most of the time, this means he’s going to admit something he usually wouldn’t if he was fully awake. “You can’t protect me all the time, but I always feel safe, y’know? Like… I know you’ll do your best for me and it’s really comforting. Especially ‘cause you’re not all leaky and fragile like I am.” He laughs softly.
Evidence contradicts the idea that Grace always feels safe - in fact, he nearly always seems anxious about one thing or another - but Rocky understands what he’s trying to say. The safety he’s talking about is found in the fact that Rocky is always there with him, that they always help him feel better when he’s upset. They trill in laughter alongside him. “Yes, leaky space blob is safe. Now sleep.”
In truth, the conversation they’ve just had won’t really change anything. Rocky is fundamentally incapable of worrying less, especially about Grace. They tend to consider themself as a caregiving type - a ‘mother hen’ as Grace once said - and, due to this, they’re a magnet for people who need to be worried for. Grace, who never sleeps or eats when he’s supposed to and is constantly tripping over his own feet, represents that archetype perfectly, and thus Rocky will always be worrying as they watch over him.
It’s not all bad. Because Grace is kind and silly and clever and helpful in his own ways and worth every bit of concern.
Oh, and he’s adorable, especially when he rolls around in his sleep. But that one’s going to stay as a private thought forever.