Chapter Text
With a tight grip around his wand, Yann attempted the incantation once more. “Expecto Patronum!” he chanted, flicking his wand in the air. A wisp of illuminated blue sparks flared into existence as he spoke, but just as quickly faded into the dark shadows surrounding the courtyard. “Damn it!” he cursed, raising his wand once more.
Closing his eyes, he tried concentrating on something positive, something joyful he could latch on to. However his mind had been running rampant for the past hour and the lack of sleep and constant distractions made it harder and harder to find any cheerful memory.
With every failed attempt becoming more and more draining, Yann had started to lose hope, yet figured he’d rather try and fail a hundred times more than rot away in his dorm.
The early onset of autumn always made the tower clammy, and the feeling of damp sheets around his body was worse than the Cruciatus Curse itself, so Yann figured he had nothing to lose by taking an early morning stroll. A stroll that had turned into wand practice, as he was begrudgingly reminded he was the only one of his friends yet to successfully cast a corporeal Patronus. And although the curriculum didn’t expect it to be learned by now, Yann still felt an ambition to be ahead, especially seeing as his O.W.Ls were coming up this year.
“Expecto Patronum!” he chanted again, swishing his wand through the air, though the courtyard stayed as dark as before with no sign of any corporeal animal. Yann cursed once more, glancing down at his wand in annoyance, as if it was somehow its fault. Sighing in defeat, he lowered his arm, slumping down by the roots of the old oak tree.
Inhaling the fresh air, he let his head fall back. He liked the early mornings, the quiet and lack of students felt calming, a feeling he didn't experience much of during the day when school was in session. There were always some blokes yelling or gossiping around, either that or some twat would be causing a scene for no reason, the typical student drama. Yann had always found that annoying, so he made himself a mindset of, if you were loud and obnoxious enough to be heard yards away, then whatever secrets you were blabbering on about could be shared with everyone. A small lesson he figured, which is why he’d sort of become the school's secret-monger over the past four years, being the go to if you ever needed dirt on someone. Not the most honourable title, but it made most kids leave him alone, as he was quite capable of ruining someone's reputation if he so wished.
Figuring his Patronus luck was out for the day, Yann tucked away his wand and was about to make his way back towards Central Hall, when he suddenly saw the courtyard illuminate from behind him. For a second his heart jumped, maybe he’d managed to produce a Patronus, just not noticed? However as he turned around to watch the light flicker into shape, he quickly realised it hadn’t come from him.
“Way to show off Karl,” Yann grunted, watching as a fox sprung to life from the light, dancing across the air gracefully.
“Somebody’s gotta show you how it’s done,” Karl snickered, joining the Gryffindor.
Yann only rolled his eyes in response, though felt a slight smile creep up on him as he watched his friend join him, now both of them sat under the large oak tree in the courtyard's centre.
Looking up at the heavens, Yann watched in awe as Karl’s Patronus danced above them, the foxes form shimmering amidst the gloom of the courtyard, creating a pleasant contrast.
“Why are you up so early?” Yann decided to ask without taking his gaze off the illuminated form. Karl wasn’t the type of student to be up at this hour, he couldn’t even get to class on time, so finding him here now felt odd. A part of Yann secretly wished maybe he’d come for him, that maybe Karl had known he wasn't able to fall back asleep and wanted to keep him company. But what were the chances of that, they didn’t share common rooms, and it’s not as if Karl could have stolen Craig's map to see where he was, since…
Yann shrugged, the thought of Craig spoiled his mood. It didn’t really matter why or how Karl was here, because right now he was just glad to not be alone.
“I can hear your pathetic castings from the Hufflepuff basement you know,” Karl taunted jokingly, before gesturing for him to unsheathe his wand. “You better give that another go, cause quite frankly it was hard to watch.” The blond then stood up, reaching his hand out.
Getting back up on his feet, Yann groaned, but did as ordered, reaching for his wand. “You’ve already seen me fail, are you wishing to humiliate me further?”
“Can’t be any worse than what I’ve already seen,” Karl shrugged, giving Yann a slight push. “Now give it a go, I’m curious what animal you’ll get, plus I can't be friends with someone who can't even cast a basic Patronus.”
That last part made Yann frown, though he decided to brush it off. Karl had always been harsh with his wording, yet he’d sort of hoped the Hufflepuff would have used a more supportive language with him.
“Alright alright, Merlin. Just give me a second,” Yann sighed, before raising his wand. Staring at it intently, he inhaled loudly, internally begging for the spell to work. Failing alone was ok, but failing in front of Karl… He didn’t want to seem pathetic like that.
Awkwardly adjusting his posture, he closed his eyes, once more fishing after some joyful memory to anchor himself onto. A flew of thoughts hurdled through his mind, grabbing one of them felt almost impossible, yet he couldn’t give up now. Just one memory, just one thought-
“Expecto Patronum!” Yann exclaimed, letting his wand cut through the air in a swift yet somewhat jagged movement.
The glimmer of light from his wand sent a wave of hope through his soul, as he watched streaks of blue luminescence extract from and twirl around the wood. For a second the light began accumulating into one unanimous form, a ball of light slowly condensing into an evermoving and evolving shape. Though before he was able to make out the animal within the fluorescent light, the shape started dimming.
“What-” Yann fumbled, furrowing his brow in concentration, desperately hoping the spell would last. “Seriously?” he whined, attempting to flick his wand again as if the spell was stuck on the tip, and that shaking it would somehow release it. Though to his dismay, his frustration had broken the enchantment, and soon all traces of light dispersed.
“Oh come on! I was so close, you saw that?” Yann turned around to face Karl expectantly, wafting his arms in irritation.
In response Karl only shook his head, crossing his arms. “You’re doing it wrong.”
Yann stared back at him, shrugging his shoulders in a defensive manner. “What do you mean wrong, what am I supposed to do then, do a little dance, maybe that would help?” he snapped back, then quickly shut his mouth. “Sorry I didn’t-”
Before he got to say anything else, Karl cut him off. The boy quickly stepped forward, roughly grabbing onto Yann and yanking his wand wielding arm up in the air.
“At least aim somewhere when you’re casting,” he grunted, then moved his other hand onto Yann's hip. “And stand wider, your posture is all crooked,” Karl continued to mumble, adjusting Yann's stance.
The surprisingly close proximity sent him into a small trance of sorts, now completely paralysed with fluster as he felt the other boy's touch. Caught completely off guard, he simply stood still, letting Karl move him into place.
Once it seemed he was adjusted to Karl's liking, he stepped aside, though still only being mere centimetres away from Yann. Feeling his heart start to pound Yann let out a discreet cough, desperately hoping the shadows of the oak tree would conceal his ever reddening face.
Luckily it didn’t seem as if he had noticed his shift in demeanour, as Yann quickly felt himself being grabbed once more. This time Karl placed himself directly in front of him, the two boys now standing face to face. For a second it looked as if they were about to perform a waltz, as Karl let his right hand meet Yann's outstretched arm, both hands intertwining, now wrapped around the wand.
Karl then placed his other hand on Yann’s shoulder before exhaling.
“Alright, just follow my movement. You cast the spell, and I’ll guide it,” he explained, tightening his grip around the brunet's hand, and by proxy wand. “And while you’re at it, try actually concentrating on something happy. You know, the only thing you ought to do when casting the Patronus charm.”
Although the statement was condescending, Yann wasn’t bothered by it. He was currently too occupied trying not to die of flustered-ness to even register what the other was saying.
The fact Karl was practically holding his hand, and the two were mere centimetres apart made his cheek flush in embarrassment. Partially because of the tension filled moment, but also because he was being lectured by Karl, as in Karl Jenkins the boy who failed his first herbology test and 'accidentally' lit the potions classroom on fire in his second year.
Yann could feel his pulse start to rise, as Karl began guiding his arm up. His heart was practically in his throat by now, as he felt the boy's grasp around him. “On three”, Karl exclaimed, moving his aim towards the skyline in a surprisingly gentle motion.
“Three, two, one!”
Shouting the incantation, Yann immediately felt that something was different. This time he could feel the magic channelling from his body and into the wand, being fuelled by a mixture of excitement and fluster. His feelings were still all over the place, but the happy memory he was searching for was finally in reach. Though not so much a memory and more a moment. This moment, of having his best friend besides him, guiding and helping him.
It all felt so genuine, and in a false moment of bliss Yann let himself imagine a timeline where he had the guts to confess, a universe where maybe this gesture from Karl was something more than just an act of friendship, and that maybe there was hope for him after all.
The light was brighter than expected, illuminating the whole courtyard with a fluorescent blue radiance. Yann watched in half shock and half excitement, as streaks of light poured out of his wand and began twirling around, slowly but surely forming into an animal. This time the Patronus had time to manifest, moulding and morphing itself until it was coherent, the glowing beams finally conjoining to form a-
“It’s a butterfly!” Karl gasped, letting go of Yann so he could move closer to the corporeal creature.
Yann was almost too distracted to hear him, his gaze glued to his Patronus as it took flight. It felt mesmerising to watch as the butterfly flapped its wings across the sky, illuminating anything it flew past.
For a second all he was able to do was stand still, that was until he felt Karl give him a nudge. “Come on!” He shouted, before raising his own wand, summoning the all too familiar fox Yann had come to love ever since Karl was first able to manifest it.
Yann followed the other boy's lead, jogging after him whilst they followed their Patronus’ in the sky above the courtyard, the two shapes dancing amongst themselves gracefully. He couldn’t help but feel giddy as he watched the fox playfully jump around his butterfly, the two animals seemingly existing in perfect harmony.
“What do you think it means?” Yann shouted over to Karl, trying to keep up with him, the two of them now running in a circle, chasing the corporeal animals.
“Who cares, it’s awesome is what it is. I can’t wait to tell the others!” Karl grinned, looking up at the skies as he spoke. Yann couldn't help but grin back, even though he didn’t get an answer, because right now he was more focused on the fact he’d been able to summon a Patronus in the first place. However its form piqued his curiosity, what exactly about him was it that spoke butterfly?
Yann didn’t get much time to think, as he finally caught up to Karl, both of them now back at the oak tree. Though right as they were about to settle, the brunet felt a rough yank at his shirt, throwing him off balance. The uneven terrain and protruding roots around the tree must've caught Karl off guard, as suddenly Yann found himself being dragged down to the ground by him as he tripped.
The two landed just beside the tree's trunk, the initial impact having been cushioned partially by the grass underneath them, and also by the fact Yann had fallen on top of Karl.
He quickly scrambled to untangle himself, feeling his face start to burn once more. “Ah- sorry!” Yann squealed, trying to not act embarrassed, even though it was Karl who had initiated the fall to begin with.
To his surprise, he was only met with laughter, as Karl laid flopped down onto the grass, his blond hair having gotten tangled on some weeds in the process. “Ha, you should’ve seen your face!” he chuckled, smiling up at Yann before patting his cheek as if to lightheartedly taunt him. “I mean, Polly said I looked equally as excited when I first cast my Patronus, but you were priceless,” he continued, still making no signs of movement, seemingly content with their new spot on the ground.
Yann didn’t move either, now having completely frozen up. He was currently hunched over on his knees, his arms positioned on either side of Karl's shoulders, making him awkwardly loom over the shorter boy's figure.
“This is brilliant, honestly!” the Karl continued to rant. His enthusiasm made Yann's heart flutter. He rarely saw his friend this genuine, and for a second he started to believe maybe this instance was special. That maybe Karl wouldn’t have reacted this way had it not been him, that maybe, just maybe, this moment was more special than he made it out to be.
His Patronus might as well have been inside his stomach, as Yann felt his chest tighten and stomach drop at the thought. He didn’t want to take himself for a fool, he knew most of his feelings and thoughts were all but half-witted idylls. Yet, here in this moment he let himself believe they were real.
He didn’t know why he did it, or what had come over him to give him the confidence. His body went on autopilot, full of adrenaline and romantic fantasies he wished would come true. And without any thinking he slowly began leaning in closer towards Karl. Closer towards his face, his stupid, perfect, beautiful face, which always had something snappy to say, yet never failed to make his heart skip a beat.
He kissed him
It was brief, only for a second, then Yann pulled away, his heart drumming and his eyes wandering frantically, looking for some sort of reaction.
They were both frozen, nobody saying or doing anything, Karl's expression seemed completely blank. Yann could feel his heart begin to pound as the extending silence became excruciating.
That was until the realisation of what had just happened dawned Karl. Yann could see his expression change from that of confusion to that of-
It happened before Yann could register it. He felt something hard slam against his face making him topple over. Instinctively he tried to regain his balance but before he got the chance he felt a kick to the side of his stomach, making him fall backwards.
“Get the fuck off of me!” Yann heard Karl shout, almost frantically. Before he got to reply, he felt a rough shove at his chest as the other boy pushed him further away and onto the ground, and for a second Yann thought he was about to be punched again. Now laying on his back in the grass, he watched as Karl staggered to his feet, wiping his mouth in disgust.
“Karl I’m sorry-”
“Fuck off Yann” Karl sneered, his expression cold and revolted.
Yet as Yann analysed it, he swore he could see a hint of sombre in his eyes, a hint of betrayal. It made his heart sink further, as he slowly began to realise he’d just jeopardised four years of friendship over a stupid impulse.
Trying to get up, Yann quickly felt a sharp pain jolt through him, making him fall back down. As he reached up towards his face, he felt something warm and wet trickle down his nose. Staring at his hand, still in shock over everything, he saw blood. The adrenaline had dulled most of the pain, yet it was clear Karl had managed to at least fracture something.
He must've noticed it too now, as Karl looked down at his own hands, his right knuckle bruised with a fleck of Yann's blood.
Instead of apologising though, which Yann so desperately hoped he would do, Karl shook his head, turning around and walking away, leaving him alone in the courtyard.
Silence.
Then the regret began to manifest.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, no, what the hell was wrong with him. Why did he do that, why the fuck would he do that?
Unable to stand, Yann desperately clambered over to the oak tree, pressing his back against it for support. His chest was pounding now, but all for the wrong reasons, not as it had done before when Karl was near him.
Now it made it hard for him to breathe, the overwhelming emotions taking control of his body. Feeling his chest start to tighten, Yann instinctively gripped at his shirt, as if it would somehow make it easier to breathe that way. He could feel the panic begin to build up, his shaky breathing quickly transitioning over to hyperventilating as tears started to stream down his face.
Fuck, what a fucking idiot he was. What a pathetic fucking idiot he was to think Karl would ever reciprocate his feelings. The image of his look of revulsion flashed in his mind over and over, making Yann want to vomit.
Every single bad scenario flew through his head, would Karl tell anyone, what would he say to the others, would the whole fucking school know him as a pansy.
He couldn’t bear the thought. He wanted to disappear, he wanted to close his eyes and open them, to realise everything had been a dream. But it wasn’t. It was real. He had just done the most foolish thing in his life, and now was about to face the consequences.
Fuck.