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Lily wakes up in a cold sweat, listening to Harry wail for two seconds before padding across the corridor to his room. She picks him up, holding him close to her chest. She sits them down in the rocking chair by his bed and picks up the bottle on the small table. The tears are staining her face and she fights against the sob working its way up her throat.
“Hey, baby.” She says, softly, rocking them gently. It hurts her to know Harry gets nightmares just as much as she does. “Which story do you want tonight?” She thinks for a moment before deciding on one. She tells this one most often - it’s her favourite. “Once upon a time, Daddy and Uncle Padfoot had the genius idea to enchant every single portrait at school to sing. Any time someone tried to silence them, they only got louder. Until, eventually, it became impossible to teach.” She pauses, swallowing a gulp. She moves a strand of hair from her son’s eyes. “Finally, Dumbledore cancelled classes for the day and Daddy arranged a school wide snowball fight. Each house against each other. Of course, Daddy, Uncle Padfoot and Uncle Moony won.” Her voice breaks and she adjusts Harry as she pats his back. Lily can remember that day as if it were yesterday. It was the December of their final year, possibly the happiest time of her life. Her and James had just gotten together, they were able to pretend the war was far away. It was a war other people fought it, but not them.
After everything transpired a year ago, James’s death, Peter’s betrayal, Lily clung to that memory as though it was the only thing keeping her above the water. The only thing, besides Harry, keeping her from drowning.
She started telling Harry stories about James from school when they were both awake in the dead of night. She wanted Harry to know his father, even if he would never be able to remember him personally. He would remember him in stories.
Sirius and Remus come round regularly. Lily didn’t think she would have been able to do this if they weren’t here. And Mary too. She came when she could, but she works as a teacher at a muggle school and it keeps her busy. She also has her own child to worry about. Lily would never have to work again if she didn’t want to, the Potters’ fortune became hers when James died. Remus got a job as a bartender at the local pub. Sirius had encouraged him to because they had both been moping around their flat with nothing to do. Sirius had also gotten a job. He works as a maintenance manager at a recording studio. Whenever they aren’t working, they’re at Lily’s.
Lily keeps rocking them, even after Harry has gone back to sleep. She keeps rocking them until the tears stop falling down her face, landing in patches on Harry’s clothed feet. During the day, Lily is able to keep the thoughts at bay. She’s able to look back at all the memories she has with happiness that she got to spend as much time as she did with James and happiness that she has so many stories to share with her son. But at night those memories suffocate her. They are endless and yet the end stares back at her in the lifeless eyes of the love of her life. At night, it’s all she can do to keep herself from unravelling.
And she can’t unravel because James gave his life for her and Harry. James answered the door on Halloween and found himself face to face with death. Or more specifically with Peter Pettigrew, the boy he once considered a brother. James knew at once what was about to happen and he used his last moments of his life to save his family. No one seemed to be able to explain how it had happened. How James, a twenty-one year old barely out of school, had been able to kill Voldemort, when no other person could. No one else even got close. But if anyone could find a way, it would have been James. Upon seeing his master die, Peter reacted, killing James dead. Peter hadn’t even tried to flee. He had sunk to his knees and stayed there, frozen, until the Aurors took him to Azkaban.
Lily had been upstairs, James had yelled up to her to save Harry. So she had clutched his tiny body to her chest and hid in a wardrobe, until she heard the unmistakable voice of Alastor Moody and knew it was safe to come out. But her life had ended regardless, when she watched them transport James’s dead body.
So Lily will not let herself wither or rot. She needed to live, for Harry and for James.
Eventually, she falls asleep too, still in the chair holding Harry. But sleep is never the relief she hopes it will be.
Lily is shaken awake the next morning by Remus gently tapping her shoulder. He smiles when he sees her eyes open, but there are deep bags under his eyes. Remus reaches down and takes a squirming Harry off her. He must be awake already because he’s making that giggly sound that sends a warmth spreading through her.
“Hey, buddy.” Remus says, bouncing Harry up and down slightly. He giggles in response. “Shall we go have breakfast and let Mummy get up?” Lily shoots him a grateful smile as he heads out the room. She stretches, clicking her neck after sleeping at an odd angle all night. She breathes a sigh of relief - she got through another night. She can’t help but smile when she hears Harry gurgling happily from downstairs and dresses quickly.
For the first few months, she didn’t bother getting dressed. She had nowhere to go and no-one to see. But she’s learned that the simple act of getting dressed, even if she has nothing to get dressed for, makes her feel better. Plus, if she gets dressed, she’s more likely to leave the house. She grabs Harry’s nappy bag - although there’s not many nappies in it now that Harry’s potty training - and heads downstairs.
“Hi, Remus.” She says, softly, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.
“Bad night?” He asks, spooning porridge into Harry’s mouth. Lily grabs a banana and forces herself to eat. Harry needs her to be strong.
“Eh, not the worst.”
“Did you tell the snow ball fight story again?” Remus asks, with the ghost of a smile on his face. To match the ghosts of the story.
“Yeah, it’s a classic.” She says, shrugging. “Are you working today?”
“No, but Padfoot is. I thought we could spend the day together. I miss my little guy.” He says the last few words in a high pitched baby voice that Lily stifles a laugh at, despite seeing Harry all of yesterday and most of the day before. “Sirius is going to join us for dinner.”
Lily sits down next to Harry’s high chair, turning to him. “So, baby, what do you want to do today?” Harry gurgles again and after noticing his mother looking at him, he says, “mama” with a smile on his face. She strokes his hair and kisses the top of his head.
She looks back up at Remus, who’s waiting with a spoon full of porridge. “Erm, zoo?” She asks, watching with a knife in her heart as her best friend feeds her child instead of her husband.
“Didn’t we do that last week?” Remus asks, with a slight smirk on his face.
“What was the point of getting one of those annual membership passes if we’re not going to properly use it?” She replies with a smirk of her own. And so, they pack up all of Harry’s essentials and Lily grabs her own backpack before bundling into the car. Lily and Harry live a blended life of muggle technology and magic, but it took Lily a while to even have the confidence to pick her wand back up again. Both Remus and Lily prefer driving to apparition though.
The zoo is relatively empty, as Lily expected. It’s not a school holiday or a bank holiday, it’s just a regular Wednesday, so most of the people there are, like Lily, with a toddler or baby.
“Family ticket?” The person on the counter asks when they go up. Lily has gotten used to people thinking her and Remus are a couple - it’s often just them taking Harry out as Sirius works more in the day. At first, it stung badly. She would yell at the person for thinking Lily would just replace James as if he were a pair of socks with a hole in them, even though they didn’t know Lily. Now, she shrugs it off with only a minor ache in her chest.
“Oh, no thanks, we have an annual pass.” Remus explains, digging the pass out of the nappy bag to show her. She waves them through with a smile and a small wave to Harry, who delightedly giggles and waves back.
They’ve been to the zoo so many times, they have their usual pattern. Entertaining a baby every single day is hard and some days Lily doesn’t have the energy to think of something new, so to the zoo they go. Harry seems to love it just as much every time. They start with the flamingoes, as they are right by the entrance. Remus pushes Harry’s pram right up to the fence and leans down to point the birds out to him. Lily feels tears spring to her eyes as she watches Harry’s face split into a smile. He looks just like James. His hair is going to be the same unruly mess, she can just tell. And sometimes, she finds herself staring into his bright green eyes - the only part of him he got from her - and wondering if he can actually see or if he needs glasses like he did. She’s already got him an appointment at the opticians.
After the flamingoes, they make their way through the monkeys, the reptiles, the butterfly house - Harry’s favourite - and the small aquarium. They take a break near one of the coffee shacks. Remus buys him and Lily coffees and gets a cookie for Harry.
“You’re so good with him.” Lily says, willing the tears to stay away.
“Not as good as he would have been.” Remus says, grabbing her hand and squeezing it.
“Moon!” Harry squeals when Remus doesn’t give him his next piece of cookie as quickly as he would like.
“Here you go, buddy.” Remus says, handing it to him. “And it’s Moony. Can you say Moony?” He kisses Harry on the cheek, but he’s too engrossed in his cookie to notice. Harry’s first word was ‘Dada’ to James, but he’s not said it since. Not even to Sirius or Remus. Sirius is always ‘Pad’ while Remus is ‘Moon’.
“I saw a poster the other day, in a cafe.” Remus begins. “For a toddler music class.”
Lily laughs. The image of tiny people playing tiny instruments is amusing. Then she sees Remus’s face. “Oh, you meant for Harry.” The smile dies on her face and she ponders it for a moment. “I don’t know.”
“I think it’ll be really good for you both. Lets Harry meet some kids his own age, start him socialising and might give you the chance to meet some other mums. People you can relate to.” He’s being entirely earnest when he says that. Lily can’t help but scoff.
“I’m sorry, but there will be no one at that class who I can relate to.”
“You don’t know that.” He says, quietly. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a crumpled up poster, handing it to her. “Just think about it.” He finishes with a sigh. Lily takes it from him, stuffing it straight into the nappy bag. Remus straightens up and pushes Harry towards the next animal.
By the time they make it back home, Harry is asleep and Lily is yawning. She gently lifts Harry out of the car seat and carries him upstairs. She does her best not to look at the hanging photos on the wall. Her and James had put them up when they had been house bound. James had arranged them in order of their ages, starting with everyone when they were fifteen. James, Lily, Remus, Sirius, Peter, Mary, Marlene and Dorcas. All smiles and laughter, so young and innocent. Lily tries not to let them catch her eye. She can’t bear to take them down yet can’t bring herself to look at them.
After putting Harry in his bed, she collapses onto the sofa in the living room next to Remus. He’s already snoring softly, one leg straight out on the coffee table. She saw him limping towards the end of the zoo trip. Sirius thinks he should use a cane but he rarely does.
Lily puts her legs up on the table and rests her head on his shoulder, already dropping off.
They both jolt awake at the same time, glancing at each other. Lily realises it was the door slamming that woke them, which is explained a few seconds later when Sirius walks in.
“Sorry, were you guys sleeping?” He says, looking around. “Where’s little Prongs?”
Lily stretches and stands up. “Upstairs, I’ll go get him.”
“Oh no, no, no, let me.” Sirius says, heading up the stairs before he’d even finished talking. Only then does Lily see he bought pizza with him. She lifts the boxes up from the floor and takes them through to the kitchen, setting them on the counter. She started getting out plates and cups, while Remus walked through and opened the boxes. Sirius had gotten Harry one of those mini personal sized pizzas, which Remus started cutting up into small chunks for him.
Sirius returns carrying a restless Harry in his arms.
“I think someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Sirius says with a half smile. That was how most of them smiled these days. “Maybe he’ll perk up when he sees… pizza!” He says, quickly showing Harry the food. He absolutely did perk up, giggling and making a grab for it.
Lily and Remus carry the food into the living room, following Sirius and Harry. Sirius puts him down on the picnic blanket Remus laid down there and as soon as the pizza appears in front of him, he makes a grab for it. Sirius took a pizza box and a plate off Remus and sat beside Harry.
“Alright, what are we watching tonight?” Lily says, settling into the sofa with a plate of pizza and a butterbeer. Remus opens his mouth beside her, but she speaks over him quickly. “Not Raiders again please.” At the mention of Indiana Jones, Sirius spun around.
“We have to watch Raiders, it’s Harry’s favourite film!” He says, gesturing to Harry, who had pizza all round his mouth. Lily tosses Sirius the paper towels to clean him up.
“Harry is two, he doesn’t have a favourite film.” Lily says, but in the end they did watch Raiders again, because secretly, Lily loves it. And she knew, with absolute certainty, that if James had seen it, he would have fallen in love with it too.
Remus offers to put Harry to bed, after dinner. Lily can see his eyes struggling to stay open as he leans against Sirius. Lily nods at him and he gently lifts Harry up. Sirius starts to tidy up the dishes, heading into the kitchen. Lily follows with the greasy pizza boxes. She shoves them into the recycling, trying not to notice the countless other takeaway containers. She always makes sure Harry eats properly, cooking healthy dinners for him, but most of time she only has the energy to order food for herself and collapse onto the sofa.
“Did, um, did Remus,” Sirius begins, clearing his throat. “Did Remus tell you about the music class?”
Lily gives him a flat stare. “He did.” She says. Sirius acts nonchalantly.
“So, erm, what do you think?”
Lily sighs. “You think I should go, right?” She gets the impression it was Sirius who found the poster in a cafe.
“Well, it might be fun. For Harry, I mean.” Sirius says, washing a dish under the tap. He coughs slightly again. “Isn’t there one tomorrow afternoon?”
Lily rolls her eyes at Sirius’s back. “Fine, I’ll go.” She can see Sirius’s ears move, indicating he’s smiling to himself. Even though she's sure she’ll hate it, being surrounded by happy, perfect mothers and they’re happy, perfect children who never cry, she’s warmed at the fact she’s making Remus and Sirius happy.
But that doesn’t make it any easier to do. She’s standing at her front door, Harry holding one of her hands, her bag in the other. She takes a deep breath and looks down at Harry’s face. He was excited when she told him what they were doing today. That’s what gives her the strength to open the door and walk to the building.
She wanted to drive. Driving always makes her feel less nervous, more in control. But it’s only a ten minute walk to the place and she wasn’t sure if there would be parking there anyway. Besides, Harry loves walking. She knows Harry will play quidditch when he goes to Hogwarts. Sirius has already bought him his first broom. She knows he will play better than everyone else, just like his father.
“Mummy.” Harry says, tugging her hand forward. Lily gives him a smile and opens the door, following her son inside. Music accosts them as soon as they step over the threshold. Loud, clanging, off-key music played on those small, plastic instruments. Harry clings onto her hand for only a second, before spotting a free drum in the corner and hurrying off to bash it. Lily stays where she is, watching him wave a stick around, before she feels a hand touch her elbow.
She spins her head around to find a smiley woman standing next to her. Her hair is tied back in a neat little bun. Lily resists the urge to lift a hand to her unruly hair that she didn’t have time to wash that morning.
“Hi, are you new here?” The woman asks.
“Erm, yes. I’m Lily and that’s Harry. I hope it’s okay to just drop by, I wasn’t sure what the rules were.” She replies, pointing out Harry, still bashing away on the little plastic drum.
“I see he’s already getting into it. Yes, of course, that’s fine. I’m Holly, I run this group. Welcome.”
“Thanks.” Lily mumbles, but Holly has already turned to announce to the room that it’s time to sit down.
Lily calls Harry over and they join the circle forming. Harry is restless though, he doesn’t want to sit in a circle, he wants to keep playing. Most of the children don’t sit quietly, so she isn’t worried. She watches another toddler, a girl with long (for her age) blonde hair and a dimpled smile, come up to Harry, who’s managed to wriggle out of Lily’s grip.
“Luna, over here, honey.” The girl’s mother calls and Luna toddles back over. For a moment, Lily catches her mother’s eye and something tickles in her brain. Some flash of recognition as she looks into the blue eyes of the woman with equally blonde hair as her daughter.
Holly welcomes the group and Lily forgets about the woman. She then tells them about how the session is going to go so every child gets to try out all the instruments. Then they are essentially let loose. Harry runs immediately back to the drums. Lily follows him, although she notices most of the parents seem to step back and let the kids do whatever. She resists the urge to tell Harry to try out another instrument and instead sits in one of the chairs lined up against the wall. Holly hovers around each child, teaching them how to use the instruments, talking in an annoying voice that Lily feels is giving her a headache.
“Erm, Lily Evans?” She hears and looks towards the voice. It’s Luna’s mother. Lily is taken aback she knows her name, but she nods anyway and gestures to her to sit down. “Sorry, it’s Pandora. From school? Pandora Lovegood”
Then it clicks. “Oh my god, Pandora? You were friends with Sirius’s brother. How are you? What are you doing here?” Lily says, smiling at Pandora, twisting in her seat after one last look at Harry.
“I’m good, thanks. I found this class a few weeks ago, from a poster in a cafe. Luna loves it.” Pandora says, pointing out Luna playing a tiny keyboard.
“She’s adorable.” Lily says. “That’s my son, over there.” Holly is with Harry now, showing him how to use the sticks properly.
“Yeah, I guessed. He looks so much like James.” She pauses at the name and gives Lily the face she’s seen countless times. “I’m sorry about what happened.”
Lily shrugs, thinking of ways she can change the subject. “Lovegood? As in Xenophilius?”
Pandora knits her eyebrows together for a moment, before clearing her face. “Yeah, we got married the year after we left school.” Just then, Luna wails. One of the other kids near her accidentally knocked her over. “Sorry, I’ve gotta go. It’s been great seeing you.” Pandora says, as she rushes off.
“Great to see you too.” Lily says to her back, eyes already searching for Harry. He’s moved onto the drum kit that’s become available. He seems to be really enjoying it. Lily smiles to herself, but in her head, she’s already dreading telling Sirius he was right.