Work Text:
I feel like a massive big time loser.
I can't do much, which sucks. My day to day life is getting up an hour before I got to go to school, staring at the wall for 20 minutes, dreading the day. Then getting dressed and getting downstairs 10 minutes (if im lucky) to get coffee and maybe something for lunch. Then watch helplessly as my cool step dad gets lunch and water in 3 minutes like it's the easiest thing ever. How can he do that so fast? How can he just- get stuff and not drag his feet? I dont know.
Then getting in the car, blah blah blah, then he gets a bit upset because "oh no music isn't working" and its a small thing, right? Tiny thing that sucks. My brain says "OH NO, HES MAD, HOW DO I MAKE THIS BETTER? IS HE OKAY?? OH GEE OH GOLLY" and its a small thing. I know that, but i.. just dont want anyone to be mad. I hate seeing people mad or upset. It hurts me physically. Anyway, uh school
School..
School.
Why is it spelt that way? Anyway, I got into a school that you have to apply for in freshman year. Yeah im highschool, big scary, oOoOoOohh. My first year went by nice I guess. Kids still sucked while academically we were expected to be the best of the best, which wasnt a big problem for me since my teachers were nice and were very lenient on my grades. I got A's - C's and one F in Spanish. In there it sucked and everyday I was overstimulated and overwhelmed constantly. It was torture. Anyways, uhh sophomore year, this year, the year, uhm.. Adhd. I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and Adhd. The inattentive type even tho when im sitting i shift places constantly. Urrrr ANYWAY so this year sucked
Everyday in classes I hated like math class I didnt learn much because my brain couldn't block out everything going on. I could hear everything. People talking behind me, pencils on paper, shifting, sneezing, sniffling, sometimes breathing, and the air conditioner. It didnt help that it felt like middleschool in some classes. A war zone. Also my math teacher is very nice, but the thing is that her first language isn't English, and its hard to understand her like 75% of the time. Also her voice is very.. I feel bad typing this but... loud. Her voice is like a female version of SpongeBob yelling. That feels wrong to type, but its true. Alot of time I've spent contemplating if I should run out of class and jump over the balcony. Its just so.. loud. And the school im at expects us to be tge very best, to be allete, to be perfect. To be able to handle schoolwork on top of community service which is required every year. I have 2 weeks of school left and I haven't even done one hour of community service. Im too burnt to a crisp from school. I have holes in my walls from crying and throwing my phone into the wall. I've had to rip a hole in the was so that I don't mutilate my arm with a fork. I mean I've already taken a sharp piece of glass and done thay already. Which sucks. Since now im insecure somewhat about the marks. And I have a wound from last chemistry period where I dragged a pencil into my hand so that i could snap myself out of dissociating from stress. I have also cried myself to sleep thinking of what I've had to endure the next day. Plus I've wondered if I should just dive off a balcony head first so that this stops. This has gone on not even just this year, but since middle school. Several years.. of panicking internally and holding my breath for ungodly amounts of time just so I can survive the class. Just so I dont get jumped by middle schoolers. Just so I dont get hated by teachers. Just so I can live.
And the worst thing is.. its affecting the people I care about. Im almost 16 and my mom is doing my math homework since if I dont get my 3 F's up I'm going to get kicked out of this high-school. My mom. The person who has cared for me the most is doing something I shouldve done. She's even printing out my homework i couldn't do becuase i was too busy trying to calm down from the last class. My best friend and her family are even helping me. They're being affected too because my friend doesnt want me to get kicked out of this school. Plus she has adhd AND autism... and somehow.... she has almost all A's. I feel so guilty for being such a big weight on my mom and my friends lives. I feel so sorry for them.. im sorry
Im too scared to die, but im not living, im just surviving. Im so sorry they have to go through this. Im sorry that I can't. Im sorry that... im sorry. Im just.. im sorry. Sorry. Sorry everyone. Sorry. Im so, so sorry.
But don't worry because Im not going to kill myself or anything like that.. im not. I will not. Because guest 1337 survived so much.. so maybe I can be like that too..? Yeah...
It'll be okay.
One day..
Maybe.
..
If my medications decide to fucking work.. hehheh.
Yeah.