Chapter Text
They meet for the first time for a fluff piece during the Milano-Cortina Olympics. Ilya tries to get Shane to come with, but he demures and tells his husband it's a good opportunity to make friends with another Russian speaker. Shane will go sight-seeing with Hayden instead.
"Have fun with least favorite Pike," Ilya teases and kisses Shane's nose, then his lips. "Ya tebya lyublyu, Shanya."
"Love you too, Ilyusha. Have fun with Ilia."
Ilya knows this is really just because they're so similar - ice sports, Russian speakers, a little flamboyant, live in their nation's capital - but Ilya would be lying if he said he doesn't enjoy Ilia's performances. And to be honest, he would love another friend he can speak his native language with. He almost laughs when he gets to the studio and actually meets Ilia, though.
He's smaller than Ilya expected, to start. Ilia is short enough to have to tip his head when they shake hands, and Ilya just wants to smush his cheeks he's so cute. And he greets Ilya in Russian, already chattering away like they've known each other for ages.
"English when we’re filming, please," an assistant reminds them, but it’s more amused than annoyed.
"Your husband didn't come," Ilia says with a pout. He's still speaking Russian, apparently taking the "when filming" seriously. "Why not?"
"He wanted to spend time with his friend," Ilya answers with a shrug. "And he says we don't have to share all our friends. You can meet him another time, though."
Ilia's sweet little face turns pink, and Ilya grins. "Oh, do you have a crush on my husband?"
"I… okay, yeah," Ilia admits under his breath. He looks around like he thinks someone is eavesdropping before continuing. "I wanted to ask you both about coming out and making weird schedules work."
Ilya tilts his head and thinks for a moment before he responds.
"You're seeing someone?"
"It's… well it's not new new, but since hockey training camp new? We're not exactly hiding, but, y'know." Ilia shrugs like he’s trying to downplay it, but Ilya can still see how nervous he is.
"I'll give you my number later, we can talk about it." Ilya leans closer, since he's about to use some words anyone could understand. "Is he a Washington player? Does Sasha know?"
Ilia turns a darker pink and nods once. "Leonard," he mumbles. "Sasha set us up, actually."
Oh, Ilya is so glad he accepted this invite.
The general idea is for Ilya and Ilia to do some sight-seeing together after a little time at a practice rink. They get put through makeup first, and then the cameras start rolling while they're lacing their skates on the bench.
"Sasha gave you those, right?" Ilya asks, pointing to Ilia's bright yellow laces.
"Yeah, for luck. I can’t wear them to compete, but it still means a lot."
"Is Sasha Alex Ovechkin?" the producer asks. Ilya knows they know damn well who Sasha is, but they also need one of them to say so.
"Yeah, Sasha is what we call him in Russian," Ilia says with a smile. It's a little strained, but no one seems to notice.
"All the bisexual Russian hockey players know each other," Ilya jokes with a one-shoulder shrug. It's currently a three person club, and none of them are Russian citizens anymore, but it is pretty funny that it happened three times. And two of them married Canadians.
"If I had a nickel for every bisexual Russian in the NHL who defected to marry a man, I'd have three nickels," Ilia giggles as he tightens his laces. "Which isn't a lot, but it’s really weird it’s happened three times."
"Is hat trick," Ilya counters. "If only Sasha had married Canadian too."
Ilia tucks his face into his sleeve to hide a loud laugh, but it doesn’t fully work. Ilya just smirks and keeps lacing his skates.
"Why are your laces black?" Ilia asks after a few moments. "That's different too."
"It's for my mama," Ilya admits quietly. Shane and Sveta are the only other people who knew before, but Ilya is ready to share the story now. "She died when I was twelve. Was little thing to mourn her at first, then way to keep her close."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…" Ilia takes a deep breath and tugs his laces tight. "I knew about her, I just didn't know the laces thing. Thank you for sharing."
Ilya shrugs like it's nothing, and Ilia angles himself so the main camera doesn't catch Ilya wiping his eyes on his Team Canada hoodie. Ilya mumbles a soft "spasibo" and shakes himself a little.
"Shane used to wear blue ones, you know," he says. "To match his uniform. But then Montréal turned out to be assholes, so we burn them in fire pit at cottage."
Ilia can't hide his laughter this time, and Ilya is grinning wide at the cameras.
"Did you really?"
"Shane kept one pair. Yuna put them in special display case, has little note that says Metros suck."
"Did she really?"
"Yes, they are very lucky David kept her from burning down Bell Centre."
It's cheating, a little, to have them try each other's sport for the cameras. Ilia is no stranger to hockey, and Ilya's skating basics came from figure skating. But it'll look good, and it's definitely funny to see Ilia with Ilya's stick.
"Why can't I use Shane's?" he whines as Ilya holds it up for a height comparison. It's absolutely far too big for the boy, and Ilya is loving it. "He's, like, my height! Or anyone else closer?"
"Mm no, whole point is watch baby using big stick," Ilya teases. Ilia has an extra pair of Ilya's Centaurs gloves on, and they're eating his hands whole. "Ah, wait. Bring camera in, please."
The skating camera operator comes closer and Ilya moves Ilia's borrowed gloves to show the stitching on the cuff. It's Shane's handwriting, annoyingly perfect even in Cyrillic, spelling out "Ilyusha."
"This is cute form of Ilya," he explains. "For family, friends. Husbands. Works for little blonds who spell name funny too."
Ilia elbows Ilya, digging in deep and taking the older man by surprise. He wheezes a little, and Ilia just keeps going.
"Do Shane's have your writing on it?"
"Yes, his say 'moy pomidor.' Because he is cute little tomato when he blushes."
One of the crew snorts a little. "And how long will you be in the dog house for saying that?"
"First, is very nice dog house, only the best for Anya! Second maybe couple of hours. He will still be grumpy kitten, but can't sleep without me anymore."
Ilia cannot hit a slapshot for the life of him, but it’s not like Ilya can land even a single axel. Ilya manages to keep from chirping him about dating a player while being friends with Sasha and being unable to aim a clapper, but it’s very near. Ilia glares at him like he knows what Ilya is thinking, though.
"Here, try this." Ilya takes the other stick from the bench and corrals some pucks into a pile. "I'll feed you passes, you shoot. Maybe you actually score."
Ilia's jaw drops when he sees the stick Ilya is using.
"Fuck you, that's Shane's!" he yells, pointing at the smaller stick. "Give me that!"
Ilya cackles as he trades sticks with Ilia, who will deny pouting until his dying day. He drags a couple pucks over and tries again. This time, the puck finds net. Ilia glares. Ilya chuckles.
Ilya knows he's not going to land a big flashy jump when it's his turn. His skating fundamentals are mostly figure skating, but his body isn't meant to be airborne like Ilia's is. He's too big, and he knows it. But.
He lands a Euler.
Ilia literally falls to his knees on the ice in shock. Ilya smirks.
"Mama was a skater," he says with a shrug. Like it doesn't make him choke up sometimes, like watching Ilia with his blond hair doesn't hurt a little now and then. Sometimes he thinks… no, not today. Today is fun. He can be morose later with Shane. "She was my first teacher."
Ilia groans and rolls onto his back to stare at the rafters. "Are you just, like, good at everything?"
"No," Ilya sniffs, pausing for the drama of it. "Pretty husband says I can't stop running my mouth."
Ilya sends Shane a quick, discreet text as they get ready to leave the rink.
The first thing Ilia wants to do after skating is eat, and naturally they disagree.
"I want pizza," Ilia says as they're waiting for the rest of the crew outside.
"You come all the way to Italy and you want pizza?" Ilya asks, raising both eyebrows. He feels far too close to a parent asking that, but he can't help it. At least Ilia didn't say he wants fucking chicken nuggets.
"It's where pizza's from! This is the second best place to have it!"
Ilya rolls his eyes and turns to the producer. "Child wants pizza for lunch. Can you find place with high chairs?"
The PA, Molly, perks up and checks her clipboard. "We actually planned for you two to have pizza for lunch! We'll be moving to a local favorite in just a moment."
Ilia grins and shoves playfully at Ilya, who rolls his eyes. Ilia's phone - some terrible flipping monstrosity Ilya hates on principle - chirps and he lights up as he fishes it out of his equally terrible Team USA marshmallow coat. They're still waiting, so Ilya takes a moment to text his man, too.
The terrible, terrible thing is that the pizza absolutely fucks. Ilya knew it would be good if NBC vetted it to air on their fluff piece, but he didn't expect it to be phenomenal. Ilia, of course, is smug as hell about it, as if he picked this place especially. Once they've both devoured a piece each, Molly prompts them with some soft questions.
"So earlier you guys were talking about Alex Ovechkin. Did you two meet through him?"
"This is actually the first time we've really hung out," Ilia admits with a half shrug. "We both know Sasha, but we've never really, like, connected."
"Schedules never matched up," Ilya adds. "Every time I'm in DC, Ilia's somewhere else competing. It's nice to finally meet for real."
Ilia smiles and takes a bite that Ilya would swear is half the damn slice. He very valiantly does not make a dirty joke.
"Ilya… Sorry, Rozanov, for clarity, you said your mom taught you to skate?"
"Yes, she taught me basics," Ilya says softly. He picks at a napkin and doesn't look up from the table. "She died when I was twelve, but she was my biggest fan. Shane and I run summer hockey camps to um… sorry, sorry."
Ilya pauses and presses the heels of his palms into his eyes. Actually processing the trauma in therapy ripped the wound wide open, and now he's liable to cry whenever he talks about his Mama. He takes a few deep breaths to calm down, and everyone politely waits. Ilia reaches over and offers his hand, which Ilya takes with a wobbly smile and squeezes.
"You can say it in Russian, if you want," Molly says. Her voice is soft and sympathetic, and Ilya actually grows a little fond of her for it. "Or not at all. We don't have to talk about her or the organization. We can fill it in in post. Or, again, not at all."
"Ah, no. No." Ilya shakes his head a little. "I want to. Is important. But I will take you up on Russian."
They all take a moment to calm down and reset, which includes Ilia asking if it's okay to give Ilya a hug. He says yes, and the little gremlin hugs him so tight Ilya feels his back pop. When they're settled, Ilya takes a deep breath. It's nothing he hasn't talked about before, but after the last few years, it feels different.
"My mama, Irina, she had depression. She killed herself when I was twelve. She was brave and smart and wonderful, but… depression is a monster. It lies, and it makes you believe the lies. And it won against Mama." Ilya pauses and takes a deep breath. "I have depression, too. And sometimes I have really bad days. I take medication to help. And it does help, a lot. So Shane and I started an organization to spread awareness and offer support. Even before we were out, we knew we wanted it to be diverse and inclusive. We… we get a lot of messages from people who say we saved them. That means more to me than anything else. Except my husband, of course."
Next to him, Ilia sniffs and wipes his eyes. No one else there speaks Russian, so Ilya sums it up for them and makes a few other people cry.
"Sorry, I didn't… sorry for make you all cry."
"No, no, Ilya," Molly says, shaking her head while wiping tears away. "No, that was beautiful and so, so important. Can we air that? Is that okay?"
Ilya thinks about it for a moment. Nothing he's said is a secret, not really, but it feels awfully soul-bearing for a fluff story about Olympians named Ilya/Ilia.
"Yes, you can air it. Can I take a break and call my husband?"
"Of course you can. Take all the time you need."
Shane picks up immediately when Ilya calls him from a quiet corner. "Hi, sweetheart."
"Hi Shanya." Ilya sniffs and wipes his eyes. "I just, um, I was talking about Mama and…"
"And it made you sad and you needed me?"
"Yeah. Sorry to bother."
"You're not bothering me, Ilyusha. You wanna try some breathing? Do I need to come to you?"
"Breathing first, please."
Shane walks Ilya through breathing exercises, slow and gentle. It makes Ilya relax and stop crying, and he feels much better.
"Do you need me?" Shane asks again.
"Always need you, moya lyubov. But no, you do not need to come. I will see you soon anyway, yes?"
"Yeah, we're all meeting up for dinner. I love you."
"Ya tebya lyublyu."
Ilia is the one who finds Ilya, who stayed by himself for a few moments to finish gathering himself. He doesn’t say anything for a moment and just leans against the wall, waiting Ilya out.
"Sorry, just…"
"It's okay," Ilia assures him. "It's easy to get in your head even when you don't have a disorder or trauma or anything. The crew is so nice, too. Some of them like to make us cry on purpose, you know?"
Ilya nods and takes a deep breath. "I would like another hug. Are you-"
Ilya doesn't finish the question before Ilia is squeezing him again. He returns it with a soft smile and ruffles the boy's hair.
After lunch is a walking tour of local landmarks, during which they're encouraged to make small talk. It's not hard now, after Ilya has broken down in front of everyone. It is a little hard to remember to speak English, though.
"Can you just… majority English?" Molly begs, hustling along next to them. "We can fill in subtitles and stuff."
"Sorry," they chorus.
"I'm beginning to wonder if you are," she grumbles, narrowing her eyes.
"Yes and no?" Ilya says with a shrug. "I keep forgetting. Is nice to speak Russian with someone."
Molly gives them one more glare and backs off. She drops behind a few steps to confer with the crew before raising her voice to give instructions.
"Okay, we're going into that gelato shop ahead on the right," she calls.
Ilia bounces a little and looks to Ilya with a big grin.
"Why are we only doing what the child wants to do?" Ilya grumbles. He's just teasing and they all know it, but Ilia still feigns hurt.
"Actually, this one's more for you," Molly says with a grin and pushes the door open.
Inside is Shane, wrapped up in his Canada coat and looking smug as fuck. Hayden is there too, but he's wisely off to the side so he doesn't get in the way.
"Moya lyubov!" Ilya exclaims, bee-lining for his husband. He hugs Shane tight and tucks his face into Shane's neck. "Is this because I cried?"
"No, we planned this from the start," Shane says, petting Ilya's curls and holding him tight. "We're kind of a big story, you know?"
Ilya snorts and pulls away to give Shane a sweet kiss. "I am glad to see you. Shanya, this is Ilia. Ilyushka, my husband, Shane."
Shane offers his hand, and Ilia beams as he shakes it.
"It's awesome to meet you," Ilia gushes. The tips of his ears have gone pink, and he’s giving Shane a big smile that's somehow both goofy and sweet.
"You too," Shane replies with an equally big smile. "I can't believe some of the stuff you can do. Quad axel! Wow."
Ilia's blush deepens, but nobody mentions it. "It's harder than than the backflips, to be honest."
Hayden finally joins them and clears his throat. Ilya makes a show of rolling his eyes, but it’s clearly fond.
"Ilyushka, this is Hayden Pike. He is one of Shanya's best friends other than me and we rescued him from shitty, homophobic Montréal team."
Molly snickers behind the camera, so Ilya shoots her a grin too.
"Is he your token straight teammate?" Ilia teases while shaking with Hayden.
"No, there's a few of those on the team," Hayden says with a shrug. And then a flush creeps across his nose. "And, uh, I'm not. Straight, that is. The Cens helped me realize I'm bi."
"Uh, you want us to cut that for airing?" Molly asks.
"I'll double check with my wife, but I think we're okay."
"Wow, we really do travel in groups," Ilia mumbles, and that's definitely getting cut.
Ilya almost feels bad watching Ilia get less and less interested as they're walked through making gelato. Not enough to stop holding hands with his husband or anything, but still. Shane is ultimately the one who pulls Ilia aside, seeming to recognize something in his face. He tells Hayden and Ilya to go ahead and guides Ilia to a quiet nook behind a mixer.
"Ilia, are you okay?"
The younger man avoids making eye contact and squirms, but Shane waits him out with a reassuring - he hopes - hand on his shoulder.
"I just… I want to be like you and Ilyusha," Ilia mumbles to the floor. "I want everyone to know and to hold my boyfriend's hand in public and just… be his boyfriend, you know?"
Shane can't help a soft smile; Ilia reminds him of himself at that age, except Ilia is far more clued in than 21-year-old Shane was.
"What's keeping that from happening?" Shane asks, soft and gentle.
"Me, actually." Ilia peeks up at Shane from under his ridiculous lashes and fluffy bangs. "I didn't want… everyone is already so focused on me, and it's kinda my fault, you know? I didn't want to…" Ilia pauses to find his words, his nose scrunching a little as he thinks.
"There's already so much scrutiny and you didn't want another reason?" Shane suggests.
"Yeah. Ryan had boyfriends in college, you know? He never, like, officially came out, but everyone knows about him and Mack and Will. It's not easy, but it’s better than it was. I'm an American, I don't have to worry about Russia like Ilyusha did. Just… I'm in my own way."
Shane takes a deep breath and gives Ilia's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "There's a lot of pressure on you right now. A lot of focus. I think it's normal to want to keep something close to your chest for a little bit."
"Yeah… he came all the way here for me, and I won't even…" Ilia sniffs and rubs at his nose, clearly holding back tears. "I told him not to be affectionate in public. He came here and he's so proud of me, and I won't let him touch me."
"Oh Ilyushka," Shane coos. He folds Ilia into a soft hug and lets the young man bury his face in Shane's coat. Shane pets his hair and sniffs a little himself when Ilia hiccups like he’s crying. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay. Listen, you're a little… a lot in your head after everything that happened. Let Ryan support you. You're done competing this time. Let go."
Ilia grabs onto Shane's coat and Shane can feel him crying openly now. Shane rubs his back and lets it happen, grateful that Hayden and Ilya seem to be keeping everyone else occupied. When the worst of Ilia's tears have subsided, Shane holds him at arm's length.
"I think you should call him and see if he would like to join us. Nobody has to say anything, but I think Ryan would like to support you."
Ilia nods and gets his phone out while Shane grabs some paper towels for him to blow his nose.
"Hey, babe," Ilia sniffs when Ryan picks up. "I'm - no, I'm not okay. Um. Do you… do you wanna meet us? Yeah, I don't care anymore. Please? Spasibo, dorogoy."
Shane smiles at the endearment and gives Ilia one more tight hug when he hangs up. "Let's go meet back up. Send him your location before you forget."
"He already has it."
Ilia stops to talk to the crew when they rejoin the others, and Shane tucks himself against his Ilya.
"Everything okay?" Ilya asks. He kisses the top of Shane's head and gives him a squeeze.
"It will be. He was in his head and getting upset about Leno. So now Leno is on his way here."
"They're going to come out?"
"I don't know, but it was pretty obvious Ilia needs him right now. He's still pretty fucked up about everything."
Ilya hums and gives Shane another squeeze. Ilia and Molly disappear from the kitchen, leaving the rest of them to watch as a batch of gelato gets poured into containers.
Hayden has just shoved a huge spoon of tiramisu gelato into his mouth when Ilia and Molly return with Ryan Leonard in tow. His eyes grow huge and he forgets to take his spoon out of his mouth for a moment. The boys are holding hands. Oh shit.
"So we have an addition and some changes," Molly announces, gesturing to Ryan. He waves a little with his free hand. God he makes Ilia look even tinier. "I'll leave introductions to you, Ilia."
"Um, this is Ryan. Ryan Leonard." Ilia pauses and takes a deep breath. "My boyfriend. You've all played against him."
Hayden blinks. Shane and Ilya detach and move to shake his hand. Ilia's earlier comment about traveling in groups makes so much more sense now.
"So mostly this will impact Ilia's individual interview that we're filming later," Molly tells them. "And we'll add one for Ryan if he wants, but don't feel obligated. We had a quick talk, and the boys would like to use this as a hard launch, if that's alright with you three. That's not going to be the main feature, just a sort of surprise bonus."
"Oh, like me and Shane being here," Hayden says, and Molly nods. "Sounds good."
There's general agreement, and they move on like nothing's changed at all. Ilia and Ryan are given the tiramisu that everyone else was sampling, and that's that.
The change in Ilia isn't instant. But by the time they're back in the front of the shop looking at all the flavors on display, he's much more relaxed. Ryan has an arm slung loosely around his hips, and Ilia leans into it like a flower toward the sun. Ilya sneaks a photo that he'll text to Ilia later. He would have loved for someone to do that for him, if he had been able to do that with Shane at 21. If he had realized he wanted forever with Shane at 21 instead of burying it under partying.
Shane breaks Ilya out of his thoughts by holding out a sample spoon to him. It startles Ilya a little, but he recovers quickly and takes the bite without even asking what flavor it is. It's ginger, the fresh kind Shane peels with a fucking spoon at home. The taste is sharp and almost spicy, but not in a bad way.
"Is good," Ilya murmurs, licking his lips. "You try it, kotenok?"
Shane nods, his cheeks turning a little pink at the nickname. "I really like it. Maybe we can make something like it at home."
"Proud of you for actually eating it," Ilya says in a voice low enough to be just for Shane. "You are okay?"
Shane nods and takes the moment to press himself close to Ilya. Ilya doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around his husband, and Shane tucks his face into Ilya's throat with a contented sigh.
"It's good," Shane mumbles. "I know what's in it, so it feels safe. No weird stuff, you know?"
Ilya knows. Neither of them had realized that Shane's "performance diet" had become disordered eating until Shane sought his own therapist after moving back to Ottawa. He's in recovery, but some days are harder than others. For him to volunteer to be in a gelato shop is big, and Ilya is so, so proud of his husband.
"I will buy you the best ice cream machine when we get home," Ilya promises between kisses pressed to Shane's hair. It makes him giggle a little, so Ilya keeps doing it. "And you can make whatever you want."
"Even healthy stuff?"
"Whatever my kotenok wants."
Shane hums and snuggles closer. Ilya doesn't need to see his face to know he's smiling.
They do a little more sightseeing after everyone has over-indulged on gelato. Ilya keeps snapping candids of Ilia and Ryan, and Shane gives him a big, sweet smile when he catches on. Hayden calls Jackie on the walk between one stop and the next to check that it's okay to say something and ends the call laughing.
"She says it's okay, and that I have to confirm that she's queer too so everyone knows all of Shane's favorite people are bi."
Ilya snorts. "We have the gayest team."
"It's amazing," Shane says with a fond smile.
At the end of filming, numbers are exchanged and a few photos are taken to post for the segment and just to mark the occasion. Ilya takes Ilia's phone and pushes him toward Ryan.
"We take cute one for Instagram, for hard launch post," he says. He waves his hand to indicate that they need to be closer, and the two boys blush at each other. "Please, Ilyushka told me how long you have been dating. Shy is bullshit."
Shane snickers beside Ilya and teases them to kiss in Russian. It makes Ilia pause for a moment, which is all the opening Ryan needs to duck down and give him a sweet kiss. The photo comes out perfect, even if Ilya does hate the fucking phone.
"Don't hesitate to text us, okay?" Shane says. "You can come to us for anything."
"And maybe visit next time you're in Ottawa." Ilya's tone makes it pretty clear that it isn't actually optional.
"What if I'm at a competition when Ryan plays you?" Ilia asks.
"Then Leno can come." Ilya shrugs like he isn't inviting a rookie into a legend's house. "Maybe you both come in the summer. Just… you're invited. Come visit."
Ilia schedules their coming out post so it goes up during the NBC piece. It'll be nearly 3 am Milan time when the part with Ryan joining them airs, so hopefully he'll be asleep when the world learns he's queer. Thankfully his parents are his primary coaches and don't mind him leaving the village for a night to be with Ryan in his hotel. Ilia doesn't expect Ilya and Shane to show up and offer to take them to dinner, but really that's his own fault for not remembering how extra Ilya can be.
"Ilyushka!" Ilya crows when Ryan answers the door. He immediately wraps Ilia in a bear hug while Shane says hello to Ryan. "Get nicer clothes on, we're going out."
"I… can we just order in?" Ilia asks in a small voice. Between his utter failure to so much as podium and the impending coming out, he's not sure he wants to be out and about. Shane must recognize it on his face and steps in.
"Let's do that instead," he says. Shane has a hand on Ilya's shoulder and a soft smile on his face, and Ilia wonders for a moment if this is what having older brothers is like. "Ilyushka clearly doesn't wanna go out, let's order in and watch a movie."
"Okay," Ilya says without any fight at all. "Okay, we stay in. Ilyushka, you can pick movie but not food. If you pick food, it's going to be pizza again."
"Hey! It might not be!"
"Babe." Ryan raises an eyebrow, and Ilia looks at his socks as a blush creeps over his cheeks. "You need to eat something other than pizza and protein shakes."
It's clear on his face when Shane shifts into Getting It Done mode and takes charge.
"Okay, we're gonna talk about that later," he says to start. Shane turns to each person in turn as he gives orders. "Leno, can you order dinner? No pizza, try to get some nutrition in Ilyushka." Ryan nods. "Babe, find How to Train Your Dragon. The first one, animated." Ilya also nods.
Ilia stands in front of Shane with his hoodie string in his mouth, eyes wide and wet. Shane recognizes that look and gently guides him to the couch while their partners get to work.
"Hey, it's alright. Do you… you wanna cry? You'll feel better if you stop holding that in."
Ilia looks so torn that it breaks Shane's heart. He knows the feeling, of wanting to fall apart but not being sure if you're safe or if you can be put back together. So he does what he would want in that situation and pulls Ilia into a loose hug that he could easily escape from. It has the expected reaction - Ilia breaks. He buries his face in Shane's team fleece and sobs. Shane holds him tighter and rubs Ilia's back as he lets go. He can see Ryan perking up from the kitchenette like he wants to come over, but Shane just shakes his head once. Ryan nods and goes back to helping Ilya get food and streaming set up.
"You're okay, you're safe," Shane tells him softly. He rests his cheek in Ilia's hair, which makes the boy both go limp and cry harder. Shane switches to Russian. "Oh, Ilyushka. If you're not ready, we can have them pull it."
"No," Ilia growls, also in Russian. It's like a kitten hissing. "I wanna do it. I'm done hiding. Just a lot. Especially after…"
"Yeah, I get that. It's been a hard week. This will be good, though. Life got a lot better and a lot easier after Ilyusha and I were out. Your sport is… nicer for queer people. And this is on your terms, not because something happened."
Ilia sniffles and nods against Shane. He's not crying as hard now, but he hasn't stopped either. Ryan approaches slowly and crouches next to the couch. He reaches out and lays his hand on Ilia's leg.
"Hey, sweetheart," he says softly. "Ilya got the movie set up and dinner's on the way. You want your Toothless?"
Ilia's "yes please" is muffled but clear enough. When Ryan stands, he moves in a flash and grabs Ryan's hand back. He looks up at his boyfriend and wipes his face with his free hand.
"I love you."
The way Ryan reacts makes it clear that that's the first time either of them has said it. Shane looks to Ilya and raises his eyebrows. Ilya makes the same face he does when Anya does something adorable.
"I love you too."
Oh thank fuck. Shane would have had a meltdown himself if it wasn't reciprocated. He carefully peels Ilia off and passes him to Ryan, still sniffling and wiping at his face. Ryan wraps him up with a murmured "oh honey" that makes Shane melt. He leaves them to it and joins Ilya at the table, where he gets pulled into a snuggle himself.
"They are very cute," Ilya says. "Babies in love."
"They're good for each other. I almost wanna call and have the segment pulled myself. He's breaking my heart, Ilyusha."
"It's okay, he's okay." Ilya kisses Shane's temple and gives him a reassuring squeeze. "Is just a lot, like you say. Been a long, emotional week for little one."
Shane makes a soft sound of acknowledgement and tucks himself as close to Ilya as he can. Ilya kisses the top of his head and mumbles a soft endearment.
Honey bee. Shane will take that.
I hadn’t planned on doing this literally in the middle of the Olympics, but I don't want to hide one of the best things in my life anymore.
I'm gay, and I have an amazing boyfriend. Ryan came all the way to Italy to support me, even though he isn't on the national team. He's been my rock through the games, from making sure I packed everything to carrying Toothless. Sasha, I can't thank you enough for encouraging Ryan to ask me on that first date. Ryan, я тебя люблю. Thank you for loving me.
[A carousel of photos and short videos.
Slide one, photo: Ilia leaning on the boards from the ice side at his home rink. Ryan is on the floor side. They're giving each other shy smiles.
Slide two, photo : a selfie from their first date of their faces pressed close together in a restaurant.
Slide three, video: Ilia and Ryan's joined hands swinging as they walk, also from their first date.
Slide four, video: Ilia asleep on Ryan on a couch. Ryan's hand is running through Ilia's hair while he watches a movie.
Slide five, photo: Ilia and Ryan at the Caps Halloween Party. Ryan is dressed as Toothless and has Ilia-as-Hiccup on his back. They're both laughing.
Slide six, video: Ilia and Ryan in a gymnastics facility with other figure skaters. Ryan is attempting to do a lasso lift with Ilia. It would be easier if they weren't giggling so much.
Slide seven, photo: Liza Malinina walking between Ryan and Ilia, holding their hands. The photo is taken from behind, and Ilia is carrying her skating bag.
Slide eight, photo: Ilia blowing out candles on a birthday cake with a smile on his face. He's seated with Ryan standing behind him looking proud and incredibly fond.
Slide nine, photo: Ilia sitting sideways on Ryan's lap in a club's VIP room. He's holding a birthday cake and winking at the camera while Ryan blushes and laughs.
Slide ten, photo: Ryan is gently holding Ilia's face as they kiss under mistletoe at a holiday party. They both look soft and dreamy.
Slide eleven, photo: the one Ilya took for them of Ryan giving Ilia a sweet kiss in front of a fountain in Italy.]
The post explodes, naturally. Ilia doesn't know that, though, because Ryan woke up first specifically to hide Ilia's phone. Ilia gave his parents the passwords to his socials to manage things if they got out of hand, so Ryan stashes it in the pocket of his sweats. He knows it's been set to DND except for important people and will make noise if one of them reaches out.
The damn thing hasn't shut the fuck up in the twenty minutes Ryan has had it.
Ilia is still knocked out and, with any luck, will be for a bit longer. So Ryan sends back texts to the people that most need responses and sets it aside again. From his own phone, he texts Ilia's parents to update them. And then he settles in on the couch with highlight coverage and his favorite puzzle game while he waits for Sleeping Beauty.
Sleeping Beauty stumbles into the room about forty-five minutes later, hair a fucking mess and dressed in nothing but a Caps hoodie and his boxer briefs. His eyes are barely open, and the hoodie is making a valiant attempt at eating him.
"You 'ave m'phone?" he slurs. In Russian. Ryan snorts.
"Ask again in English, babe."
"Phone," Ilia demands, sticking out a sweater paw and making grabby motions.
"No. You can have it after you eat breakfast."
Ilia grumbles and drops into Ryan's lap as dead weight, earning a soft "oof, fuck" from his boyfriend. Ryan shifts them to be more comfortable and hands Ilia the room service menu.
"Anything you want. Just… eat, please."
Ilia grumbles some more and moves so he can read the menu. The breakfast options are pretty standard, but that’s okay. It makes the choice easier. He gives Ryan a very specific order just to be a brat, and Ryan doesn't bat an eye. Ilia grabs at him when he tries to get up to order, though. When Ryan turns back to ask what's wrong, Ilia tips his face up for a kiss. He gets it with no questions asked.
"I love you," Ilia purrs. "You're so good to me."
"I love you too. You deserve it."
Ilya texts Ilia just as Ryan is handing him his phone. It's all in Cyrillic, and Ilia literally sags in relief.
Ilia laughs and sends back a heart himself before going to check his other messages. His parents reminding him they love him and are so proud, an all-caps from Amber saying she's so proud of her little brother and promising a pin that matches hers, Alysa sent several memes that culminated in a promise to throw hands if need be, "we love you" with an astonishing number of exclamation points and hearts from Madi and Evan, Misha congratulating him and promising unconditional support with a few panda emojis… Ilia's not sure he's ever felt so loved.
When Ilia gets to exhibition practice, he's immediately mobbed by all his friends. They don't even bother trying to take turns or form a line, they just form a singular, enormous group hug. Ilia starts out laughing but it morphs into happy tears after a moment, and Amber holds him close, rocking them both gently. After he's calmed down a little, she takes the risk of setting the tears off again by offering him the promised pin.
"Do you just carry these around?" Ilia teases with a little sniffle and a watery smile. He holds the pin out, silently asking Amber to put it on for him.
"Mm, no, not usually." She gives him a soft, fond smile and takes the pin back. "Just had a feeling this time. I brought some for the pin trade, but I set one aside for you."
Ilia cries again.
On Saturday, Ilia debuts a new exhibition program. It's raw and heartfelt and personal. In his own clothes, not a costume, skating out the hurt from the last week with Amber's pin on his hoodie and a bitemark from Ryan under it. When it's over, his boyfriend is there waiting with a big smile and his Toothless, and Ilia gets to do something he's been dreaming about since he was a scared fourteen-year-old realizing he only likes boys - he kisses his boyfriend on live, international television, and the audience loses it.
"I'm proud of you, Ili," Ryan says, bumping their foreheads together.
And Ilia says something he didn't think he would say so soon after his disastrous programs - "Thanks, babe. I'm proud of me too."