Chapter Text
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The practice room lights always felt too bright after midnight.
Harua sat cross-legged near the mirror while the others took a break around him. The overhead lights reflected sharply against polished floors, making everyone look exhausted in a strangely beautiful way.
K was chasing Taki around for messing his hair up. Jo was still trying to get the details of the choreography right. Yuma and Maki were sitting beside Fuma, who was unboxing yet even more pokemon cards.
And Nicholas—
Nicholas was smiling at Euijoo.
Harua lowered his eyes before anyone noticed him staring. Again.
It was stupid, really. Pathetic, maybe. He’d spent almost three years—ever since &audition—convincing himself he could survive this feeling if he just kept it quiet enough. If he buried it beneath schedules and rehearsals and bright smiles for cameras.
But love didn’t disappear just because it was inconvenient.
Especially not when Nicholas made it impossible.
Harua wrapped his arms tighter around his knees and closed his eyes for god knows how long until—
“Rua?”
He looked up too fast.
Nicholas stood in front of him now, dark hair damp from sweat, his chrome hearts sweater hanging loosely from one shoulder. Beautiful without trying. Always beautiful.
“You okay?” Nicholas chuckled as he asked softly.
Harua hated how his heart reacted to simple things. A glance. A hand on his shoulder. Concern that meant nothing. He hated how his heart always races at whatever Nicholas does.
“Yeah,” Harua lied instantly. “Just tired.”
Nicholas nodded, accepting it easily. Too easily.
Then he turned away.
Straight toward Euijoo.
Harua watched Nicholas sit beside him, watched him naturally lean against Euijoo's shoulder like it was instinct. Like he belonged there. Nicholas laughed at something Euijoo whispered.
That laugh.
Harua knew every version of it.
The loud one he used during variety shows, the sharp one when K annoyed him, the breathless one when he couldn’t stop laughing. And this one.
The soft one. The one reserved only for Euijoo.
Something sharp twisted in Harua’s chest.
“You’re staring again.”
Harua nearly jumped.
Fuma sat beside him, chest heaving from practicing the dance.
“I wasn’t.”
Fuma took one look at his expression and sighed. “Mmm sure. You’re terrible at hiding it.”
Harua pressed his lips together.
Across the room, Nicholas suddenly threw an arm around Euijoo’s shoulders while laughing, nearly knocking them both sideways. The ache in Harua’s chest arrived instantly, sharp and automatic, like his body had memorized the feeling.
Fuma followed his gaze and sighed quietly. “Oh.”
Harua hated that sound. That understanding sound.
He stood up too quickly, heading for the door. “I’m getting water.”
“Haru—”
“I’m fine.”
But he wasn’t. Not even close.
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The hallway outside the practice room was quiet as it always was. Harua leaned against the wall beside the vending machine after buying a cold drink he didn’t really want, the concrete chilling his back through his hoodie.
His reflection stared back at him through the darkened window nearby.
Pretty.
Everyone always called him pretty. Fans said he looked delicate, elegant, ethereal.
But none of that mattered because no matter what he was, Nicholas's gaze has always been on Euijoo, and always will be.
Harua squeezed the bottle cap tighter.
He noticed it slowly. A collection of small things.
Nicholas waiting for Euijoo after schedules. Nicholas remembering tiny details about him. Nicholas unconsciously smiling whenever Euijoo walked into a room. Nicholas's hand subconsciously being around Euijoo's waist anywhere they went.
At first, Harua thought he was imagining it. He brushed it off thinking it was normal for friends of 6 years.
But then he started noticing how different Nicholas’s expressions became around Euijoo. Softer. Warmer. Real.
And somewhere along the way, Harua made the mistake of falling in love with that version of Nicholas too.
The practice room door opened suddenly, cutting him off from his thoughts.
Harua straightened immediately.
Nicholas blinked at him in surprise. “Oh. You disappeared.”
Harua forced a smile. “Needed air.”
Nicholas hummed softly and stepped beside him. Up close, he smelled faintly like sweat and fabric softener. Dangerous combination.
“You okay?” Nicholas asked.
There it was again. That stupid kindness.
Harua wanted to scream because Nicholas always cared just enough to make things worse.
“I’m okay,” Harua lied.
Nicholas studied him for a second longer than necessary. “You’ve been quiet lately.”
“Everyone keeps saying that.”
“Because it’s true.”
Harua looked down at his drink bottle. “Maybe I’m tired.”
“Then sleep more.”
As if Harua’s problem was exhaustion instead of the fact that every heartbeat in his chest belonged to the wrong person.
Nicholas patted his shoulder lightly before turning back to the practice room. “Come back inside before K-hyung kills us.”
Harua laughed quietly despite himself.
Nicholas smiled.
And there it was.
That smile.
The one that ruined him.
Harua followed him back into the practice room knowing full well he’d do it all over again tomorrow.
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Their dorm was chaos after schedules, which isn't much of a surprise.
Maki and Yuma were yelling over a video game in the living room while K tried—and failed—to enforce bedtime. Jo was helping Taki cook curry for dinner (more like Taki trying very hard to teach Jo how to properly take measurements to put the seasonings in), Fuma had a pokemon episode playing from his room loud enough for everyone to hear everything from the hallway.
Everything looked normal. Just like always.
Harua wondered if heartbreak always looked this ordinary from the outside. He sat at the counter scrolling on his phone when he accidentally came across a fan's video from last weeks event, finger already hovering over the comment button before he could stop himself.
IM CRINE NOT YUMA MESSING AROUND WITH JO AGAIN
HARUA LOOKS SO PRETTY TODAY
NICHOLAS ONLY SMILES LIKE THAT WITH EUIJOO 😭
Harua stopped scrolling immediately.
His chest tightened.
He shouldn’t care. Fans noticed things that weren’t real all the time.
Except this was real and that was the problem.
“Rua?”
Euijoo’s voice pulled him back from his endless thoughts.
Harua looked up quickly as Euijoo placed two cups of shin ramen onto the counter. “You didn’t eat earlier,” he said warmly as he slid the noodle cup across the table.
“Ah… thank you hyung.”
Euijoo sat infront of him naturally.
Kind. Too kind. That was Euijoo’s biggest flaw. He was kind without realizing how deeply people could fall because of it.
“You’ve seemed off lately,” Euijoo said gently.
Harua almost laughed. Was he really that obvious? Though what came out of his mouth was the opposite of what he actually felt. “I’m okay.” he chuckled, even though he knew nobody would believe his empty sounding words.
Euijoo rested his chin against his hand while watching him carefully. “You know you can talk to us, right?”
Before Harua could say anything else, Nicholas entered the kitchen.
And immediately looked at Euijoo first.
Always first.
“There you are,” Nicholas said, in a gentle tone, very gentle at that.
Something in his voice changed around Euijoo. Harua noticed it every single time.
Euijoo blinked. “Why?”
“You left your jacket in the van.” Nicholas handed it over casually before reaching up to fix Euijoo’s collar where it had folded awkwardly beneath his hoodie.
Tiny. Meaningless. But Harua still felt sick watching it.
“Thanks,” Euijoo said with a smile.
Nicholas smiled back instinctively.
God. He couldn't take this anymore.
Harua stood abruptly, chair scraping loudly against the floor, bringing both their attention to him. Both of them looked at him confused.
“I’m tired,” Harua said quickly. “Goodnight.”
And before either of them could stop him, he disappeared down the hallway, disappeared before anyone could see the tears that was running down his cheek.
God he was so fucked.