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“Hello Shelagh!” Said Trixie, coming up to Nonnatus House on her bicycle.
“Hello Nurse Franklin” Said Shelagh with a nod.
“Are you alright?” Asked Trixie putting her bike away, “you seem a little upset.”
“I think of you as one of my best friends Trixie. Would I be right in that assumption?” Asked Shelagh.
“Of course… has something happened? Are the children alright? Is the doctor alright?”
“The children are right as rain. Patrick will get better, but I just need to talk to someone. I was on my way to speak with Sister Julienne, but I believe you should know too just incase my performance isn’t as well as it should be.”
“Of course Shelagh. I’ll follow you to Sister Julienne’s office.” Said Trixie, taking Shelagh’s hand with a small smile.
“My dear Shelagh.” Said Sister Julienne as the door opened, “hello to you as well Nurse Franklin.”
“I invited Trixie as well, I hope that’s alright?” Asked Shelagh with a cocked eyebrow.
“That’s perfectly alright.” Smiled Sister Julienne, “please have a seat, both of you.”
After the two women sat down the Sister spoke up again, “What’s been on your mind?”
“Last week, before May’s birthday party, I had believed I was… that I was… I can’t speak.” Choked Shelagh.
“Take your time Shelagh, we’re ready whenever you are.” Said Trixie, taking her friend’s hand.
After a brief silence Shelagh took a deep breath and spoke again, “I believed I was pregnant.”
A small gasp left her coworker’s mouths, “And I was.”
“Oh my darling Shelagh, we had no idea. You should’ve told us so we could be there for you.” Said Sister Julienne, taking her hand from across the table.
“I didn’t want to cause a fuss.”
“That’s not a fuss Shelagh. You miscarried a baby.” Said Trixie.
“I know.”
“We didn’t even know you sent in a sample.” Said Sister Julienne.
“Patrick did it without anyone knowing. I miscarried before we even opened the results.” Said Shelagh, “but now I think I may be starting my menopause, and I don’t know how to feel because I didn’t want it in the first place. Am I even allowed to feel sad? Patrick told me that I am, but I don’t know if I should also feel relieved because now there is no chance of ever having a baby.”
“Every feeling that you are feeling is valid Shelagh. You’re allowed to feel happiness, grief, and relief at the same time.” Said Sisted Julienne.
“How bad of a mother would that make me though? What would people think if they ever found out. How do you both perceive me now.” Shelagh started in panic.
“Calm down sweetie. None of this is your fault, it’s not a punishment, and the only thing you have to worry about is coping healthily.” Said Trixie.
“We are your friends and your family. We are not here to judge you, nor is anyone else. All we want to do is help you.” Said Sister Julienne, pulling Shelagh into a hug.
“I didn’t want it, but I was going to love it.” Said Shelagh, muffled by Sister Julienne’s habit.
“Shh, shh. We know Shelagh, we know. It’s going to be alright.” Said Sister Julienne, holding her tightly to her.
“I’ll go call the doctor.” Trixie whispered.
“Thank you.” Mouthed Sister Julienne, “Shelagh… it will get better.”
“I know, but right now it feels as if my heart is breaking.” Sobbed Shelagh, pulling Sister Julienne tighter, “I’m scared of things I have no control over.”
“You’re not alone in that Shelagh. So many women have that same fear. I know I did when I started my menopause.” Said Sister Julienne with a tiny laugh
“Really?” Sniffled Shelagh, pulling back.
“Of course I did. I just had to remind myself that I made the right decision in my life choices, and I don’t regret them. And I let God take it into his hands.” Said the Sister, fixing the younger woman’s hair, “do you want to talk about it?”
“There’s not a lot to say. I was probably around six weeks, and Patrick wasn’t home but the children were. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t grieve. I had no time, I had to go back out and be mummy. All I wanted at the time was my mummy. I had never felt more alone…”
“You should’ve sent for me, I would’ve come straight away.”
“You’re here now.” Smiled Shelagh softly.
Sister Julienne pulled Shelagh back into a hug, and they stayed that way until Patrick had come in.
“Shelagh? Sister Julienne?”
“Hello dear.” Said Shelagh softly, stepping out of the nuns embrace.
“Hello Doctor.” Said Sister Julienne.
“Come on Shelagh, let’s get you home.” Said Patrick, holding out his arm.
“Okay.” Said Shelagh, stepping into his embrace, “goodbye Sister.”
“Goodbye Shelagh, I will see you tomorrow.” Said Sister Julienne, waving.
“Get some rest sweetie.” Smiled Trixie softly as they walked down the steps.
“I will, I promise.” Said Shelagh before waving.
After turning off the car Patrick turned to face his wife and grabbed her hand.
“Are you alright?”
“I’m just fine. It’s life, and I’m leaving it in God’s hands. Which is where it belongs.” Said Shelagh softly.
“You’re so strong Shelagh.” Said Patrick, kissing her forehead.
“It’s because I have my family all around me.” Smiled Shelagh, “now let’s go in. I’ve missed our children.”