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“Do you want to kill yourself?”
Sanemi wanted to think the question came out of nowhere, that it was completely unfounded, but he knew it wasn’t. He knew Tomioka had noticed the cuts on his arms that were always much too clean to have come from a demon. He knew he saw how tired he always was, how he distanced himself, how he had difficulty eating. Hell, that was probably part of the reason the Water Pillar kept showing up randomly to get Sanemi to cook for him. He didn’t even need to knock anymore, walking into the Wind Estate unannounced knowing damn well Sanemi would have enough food for him.
“And why the fuck would you think that?” Even knowing the answer, Sanemi avoided saying it. Admitting to it would make everything feel all too real. The thoughts in his head, the blood cleaned from his sword, the missing pills, everything would become much, much too real. So instead, he did what he did best. He avoided the question and kept his dull violet eyes focused on the gyoza cooling on his plate. He’d only eaten two in the time it had taken Tomioka to clear his plate and go take whatever was left.
Perhaps that was what had gotten him thinking. Perhaps that had reminded him how horrible Sanemi had been looking as of late, finding it difficult to stay on his feet, barely able to spar as he usually did without seeming like he was on the verge of passing out. Perhaps he was, but that would be something he never admitted to.
The Wind Pillar didn’t even realize Tomioka hadn’t responded until he finally glanced up to see him staring at him with that damned blank expression Sanemi could never read. Somehow, this blank stare seemed different from the millions of others he’d seen. It made Sanemi want to curl in on himself, hide himself from view and stay hidden until he rotted.
“You haven’t been taking care of yourself.” Finally, Tomioka spoke, breaking Sanemi from the thoughts consuming him. “You haven’t been eating properly, and I can tell you haven’t been sleeping properly either. You look like shit.”
As angry as he should be, Tomioka’s bluntness was somewhat refreshing. For once someone wasn’t dancing around the words, acting like it was completely taboo. For once, someone wasn’t acting like he would break the moment he was confronted about this. Well, maybe he still would, but hopefully it would take more than just mentioning it.
“Whatever. It’s not like it’s gonna kill me.” Sanemi didn’t miss the shift in his expression. He tried to convince himself that he didn’t understand the emotion behind it, but he knew he did. He knew that hint of annoyance, of anger, of fear. He couldn’t bring himself to hold his gaze any longer, dropping it back to the gyoza still sitting on his plate, being pushed around absentmindedly by his chopsticks.
“You’re a horrible liar.” Tomioka said, still staring him down from across the table. “You’ve almost passed out in the middle of training, what’s stopping you from passing out in the middle of an actual fight?” The silence that settled after that was suffocating. “But that’s one of your plans, isn’t it?” How could he say something like that in such an even tone, as if he could say it in any way other than accusatory? “You think if you pass out, you can’t take the blame for them killing you. You think that if you don’t do it yourself, it somehow makes it better.”
Sanemi stayed silent, staring down at the food in front of him that was making him feel sick just by existing in front of him. He tried to keep himself calm, to keep breathing, to ignore the way his hands shook and his heart pounded in his chest. He wanted to say something, to defend himself, to deny it, but his tongue felt heavy in his mouth.
“Do you really think people will grieve any less if you let yourself get killed rather than killing yourself?” That seemed to be the last thing to tip him over the edge, leaving him to stand quick enough to send his chair crashing to the floor. Finally, Tomioka went silent.
“What the hell are you trying to do here?” Sanemi snapped, forcing himself to glare at the man in front of him, clenching his hands into fists to try to keep his hands from shaking. “What, are you just trying to get me to say it? How the fuck would that help you? What makes you think you’re different from anyone else?”
“Because I’m here.” That was all Tomioka needed to say to silence Sanemi again, cold blue eyes staring through him and drowning him in their depths. “I can see that you’re close with others, but they don’t seem to be here as much as I am. That makes me different.” Once again, silence stretches out between them. “Right?”
It took a few moments for Sanemi to find his words, his heart pounding in his chest and almost suffocating him. “I don't need to deal with this shit.” He said, hating how his voice wavered. “You're only here cause you keep showing up. It's not like I'm dragging you here.”
“But you haven't told me to leave.” Tomioka pointed out, hesitating for just a moment before pushing himself to his feet. “If you really don't want me here, I'll leave, but you have to tell me.”
The silence once again lingered for far too long as Sanemi fought to find his voice past the dryness in his mouth and the nausea that was making his head spin. Still, Tomioka stood infuriatingly still, waiting far too silently. He could feel his breaths trembling in his chest as this conversation went on longer than it needed to. Hell, it shouldn’t have even started. Even so, Sanemi’s tongue felt like lead in his mouth. The air felt thick, like it was trying to suffocate him itself. As much as he wanted to say something, anything, it was like his vocal chords had been shredded by whatever invisible being kept him rooted to the spot.
“Shinazugawa.” The sound of his name somehow forced air back into his lungs, dragging his attention back to the other person in the room who still hadn’t moved. For once, Sanemi could actually see how uncomfortable he was, how torn he seemed to be. “I don’t have to-”
“Stay.” The word slipped out before he even realized he’d gotten his voice back. Tomioka looked as shocked as Sanemi felt. “Just- You can sleep in a spare bedroom, ok? Just shut up.” When Sanemi focused on Tomioka again, he could feel his mouth go dry for an entirely different reason. A small, barely-there smile was pulling at Tomioka’s lips, softening his features and making Sanemi’s heart pound in his chest. “Don’t fucking look at me like that.” He said harshly, picking up the chair he’d knocked over earlier and sitting himself down again. He stays still for a moment before picking up one of the cooled gyoza and bringing it to his mouth.
He could hear Tomioka sit back down across from him, though it seemed like he’d run out of things to say. The time ticked along slowly as Sanemi gradually cleared his plate, finishing a full serving for the first time in a long time. When he finally looked up again, that small, irritating small was still on Tomioka’s lips. Though, it seemed to be forced away once the man realized it was there. After a moment, Sanemi stood again, a lot less forcefully this time.
“Come on.” He said, picking up the two plates on the table and carrying them over to the sink. Usually he’d wash them immediately, but something about the conversation earlier had him feeling more exhausted than normal so he simply left them for the morning. “We should be getting to bed.”
Tomioka nodded, standing from the table and following Sanemi down the hall towards the rooms. The silence felt almost unnerving, but neither of them dared to break it. Finally, after what felt like eternity, they arrived at the door to a clean, put-together room. “Here, you can sleep here. Bathroom is down the hall to the right. You’ll find it.” Sanemi briefly explains, pausing for just a bit too long. “My room is down the hall to the left if you need something. I’m not a heavy sleeper, so it should be easy to wake me. I’m sure you’ll make it through the night though.” He pauses one last time, words tingling on the tip of his tongue, trying to force themselves out past his lips. Though, all he could get out was a muttered “Sleep well.” He left the room and closed the door before he could see the small smile once again blooming on Tomioka’s face.