Chapter Text
“Anthony…” He heard a voice over his shoulder faintly–far away from the strange little mirror world he saw in front of him through the window. If he peered hard he could see clearly the teal walls of the bookshop and the man in the golden jumper wiping down the windows and watering the small plants in the boxes beneath them. He moved deftly, taking care of each window with a practiced hand like he did every Tuesday. Once he was satisfied with his work he would get out a small step stool and take down the closed sign to reveal that the shop was Open. That image was overlaid by a faint ghost of a professor whose curly red hair, frosted with a little gray, stared back at him over thick black glasses at the end of his nose. He furrowed his brow and tried to ignore the wrinkles starting to show at the corners, little ear marks of time marching forward instead focusing on his angel in the yellow jumper returning back inside the store.
It had been three weeks ago when he had found this corner of London quite by accident when he hopped the wrong bus because he was reading an article and had found himself outside the little corner shop. He had stopped for a moment and looked at the building in awe before catching sight of movement within. A man, of his own age, stood behind the counter talking on a mobile phone with the most pained expression in his eyes, beautiful deep blue eyes. He could see from outside how they wanted to sparkle but whatever conversation was happening had dulled them with a sheen of tears.
That man should be smiling,” he thought, taking a step towards the door but stopped.
“You go too–fast.” The thin little voice at the back of his mind whispered. Anthony shook his head and turned down the sidewalk. You couldn’t just go into a shop and start talking to a distressed bookseller no matter how much you wanted to make him smile.
“Anthony.” He heard Nina and felt his cheeks warm a little at acknowledging he had come here long enough and watched this man from afar long enough to know his cleaning habits but not his name. His vision blurred a little as a cup was set down in front of him. He shook his head and looked up at Nina, smiling apologetically, a quiet smile, strained with holding in embarrassment at getting “caught”.
“Sorry, got lost in m’thoughts–papers and such.” he pathetically shuffled the papers in front of him to try to sell the lie–the half lie. He was lost in his own thoughts but it was not on his student’s papers. Nina glanced out the window and smiled. Anthony knew that she was fully aware of why he came on Tuesdays and Thursdays before his 11:00am class and chose a particular table–she even asked a customer to move for him so he could see the doorway better. She rolled her eyes a bit and shook her head softly, “When you first showed up several weeks ago and jokingly ordered “six shots of espresso black in a large cup” I knew you’d be an interesting one.”
Anthony sipped his coffee, “Whatever do you mean? I am but a humble professor.” He smiled again haphazardly out of the side of his mouth as if he didn’t fully mean it, his eyes drifting back to the window. He sighed and picked up his pen. Nina shook her head again and headed back to the counter chuckling to herself.
“Just. Go. Talk to him,” he muttered under his breath. But even as the words escaped his lips he felt a tightening in his chest across his shoulders.. Other words–words from the past wormed their way back into his thoughts from the dark corner he had tucked them away.
“You’re just…a lot.”
“You are always so loud and out there.”
“You go too fast!
“It’s just the stars–why are you always so excited?!” He screwed his eyes closed. The last one had been the most painful–three years they had been together, so many years ago, and to have his passion thrown in his face like that had slammed shut the door that had steadily been closing with each failed relationship. By the time he had turned thirty-five he had decided the delight on his students' faces and the stars in the sky were all he needed and had thrown himself into teaching. It’s part of why he felt a little perplexed at his infatuation with the bookseller in the shop, but chose to cautiously see where it led, if it led anywhere at all.
A glance at his watch made his chest tighten in a different way, “Shoot–I’ll be late for class!” He scooped up the papers from across the table and shoved them in his satchel–that intro class really didn’t need these grades yet. Besides, isn't that what his TA, Adam was for?
“Thank you for the coffee, Nina–wonderful as always!” he saluted as he made his way out the door pausing only briefly to stare through the window at the man in the yellow jumper.
This carried on for two more weeks
“No papers to grade, eh?” Anthony watched Nina smile to herself behind the coffee urns as he strolled in. He clenched his hands in his jacket pockets and forced a smile.
“Umm, yeah…” he ran his fingers through the back of his hair and glanced across the street. The sign on the door still read ‘Closed’ and would be for a few more minutes, enough time for a cup of coffee to calm the nerves.
“Oh, no worry, love. I understand. Cuppa black coming up.” Nina smiled and went to make the coffee. Anthony drifted to his usual table and sat down staring at the bookshop. He had a vague sensation of taking the cup from Nina and sipping just as absentmindedly.
“What time is it?” he glanced at his watch. It read 9:59. “Oh that’s no good–can’t go over right when they open–like I was waiting–like a bloody weirdo… I am being a bloody weirdo…”
He set the now empty coffee mug down a little harder than he meant to and stood up, “Anthony James Crowley–get over and go talk to that man,” he whispered through gritted teeth to himself. “He’s probably already married.”
He shoved his hands in his pockets and pushed through the door before he could change his mind and without realizing found himself staring up at the bookshop in front of him. He took a deep breath to steady himself and opened the door.
“Oh bugger–he’s right there,” Anthony stepped inside and immediately saw him, in the same yellow jumper as every other Tuesday–perhaps it was his Tuesday jumper– and felt his heart do strange and wonderful things beneath his shirt and vest. The man hadn’t looked up yet. Perhaps Anthony could just leave. “Good god man, get it together–book–you just have to ask for a book!”
“Uh, excuse me,”
The man looked up, a flash of annoyance at having to stop what he was doing that softened immediately, “Yes, may I help you?” His eyes were lovely–a deep gray blue, like the ocean. There was something immediately familiar in the curves of his cheeks and the way he held the books he was looking at–shirt rolled up at the forearms.
“Oh shit– what book? Have to ask for a book!”
“Uh, yeah, I was just passing, and I saw the shop. I was wondering, do you have any books on Astrophysics?”
“Astrophysics, um,” the man turned towards the counter toward an elderly man pretending to be deep in reading a book. “Derek, do we have any, um, books on astrophysics.”
“Ah, not his shop–maybe it is his shop but he wants to get away from me and fawn me off on this guy.” Anthony clenched his fists inside his pockets and put every ounce of energy into looking normal. He had never been more grateful for his sunglasses than at this moment. He watched the old man, who without skipping a beat, left his man out to dry with a quiet, “Er, ye–oh it’s in there beside Gardening. Opposite philosophy”
“Ya poor sod, stuck with me now!”
The man in the yellow jumper fluttered a half smile. “I knew that.” He turned to leave before remembering he had a customer. ”Umm… this way.” Anthony felt another strange flutter at the sideways smile as the man turned to take him further into the shop.
“Sunglasses off, idiot.” Anthony snatched off his sunglasses, and suddenly realized he couldn’t see a damn thing. “Where the fuck are my glasses?!” It was too late, he took a few strides to catch up. This was going to be a nightmare–ah, wait. He felt in his other pocket as he tried not to stare in front of him and found his reading glasses just as they hit their targeted section.
“Er... ah, here we are. Um, Astrophysics for Everyone: From the Big Bang to the Pillars of Creation. We've had this for years. I think I could probably give it to you for half price.” Anthony felt a coldness creep up into his stomach. He knew that book so very well–this was going to end badly.
“Just buy the book–don’t say it, don’t say it.” His mouth started moving before he could register what he was saying. “You have no idea how much that hurts me.” He tried to smile, to make it a joke.
“It’s just the stars–why are you always so excited?!” Those words had been thrown in his face just after the launch party for this very book. And now the man in the yellow jumper looked mortified but not making a connection.
“Oh–well, did I say something wrong?” Those beautiful dark blue eyes were as full of fear as Anthony was of regret at opening his mouth. “Oh, I shouldn’t have said anything. “ Anthony felt his lip tremble as the last bit of sense tried to stop him from saying it.
“No, um…I wrote it.”
“Aaand now it’s over. Anthony James Crowley, you git…now he is going to feel bad!”
The man looked at the book and back up at him. “Oh–oh!” He kept looking from the book and back as the information sank in, and it almost made Anthony smile. He was so charming in his attempt to move past their mutual mortification. “Well, right. Yes, yo–well, I mean you don’t want your own book. You probably already got a copy.”
“Two boxes in the garage.” The sinking feeling continued like a lead balloon.
“Um, well, how about this?” Anthony applauded the man’s perseverance at making lemonade from whatever this mess was turning out to be. “Yes, It’s not exactly cutting edge but…
“Oh, this is um…” He lifted the worn cloth cover gently “Arthur Eddington’s book on Relativity.” His heart lifted ever so slightly–he may not get any further with the man in the yellow jumper but at least he got a new book for his collection.
“Second edition, I’m afraid.”
“This–I’ve always wanted a copy of this!” He found himself lost in the pages. “Oh, this is my lucky day!”
“Oh, good, mine too.”
“How so?” Anthony finally lifted his gaze from the book and was met by a beaming bookseller. “Damn, your eyes are gorgeous–those little crinkles when you smile. Have I made you smile?”
“Because I, um, have a book you want.” The smile started to falter.
“Smile–Anthony, you git!” It wasn’t as hard as he thought. This book the man had found for him was something he had been searching for years upon years, and to have it so casually handed to him by such a beautiful man. The tension at the base of his skull relaxed ever so slightly and the voices of the past finally faded away.
“Fair enough.” He knew he was grinning like a fool at this point. “Oh, 20 pounds, wonderful. Thank you!”
“Time to leave before we blow it.” More abruptly than he meant to, he turned and practically fled to the front counter. The old man, Derek, looked up, finally setting his book aside.
“Did you see we’ve got a couple of Brian Cox’s? And that big book of Astrophysics for Everyone.”
“No, no, he's-- he's the author, Derek. Yes, he has two boxes in his garage.”
Anthony smiled. “Fuck, why did I ever say that?” He smiled. “I definitely shouldn’t have mentioned that.”
Derek seemed un phased by all this. “There you are. Enjoy.”
Anthony turned and smiled genuinely this time, the tension having fully melted away. He would definitely find a reason to come back now that he knew he would be so warmly received.
“Tell him your name, idiot.” He could not get his mouth to connect to his brain. “You have a phd in astrophysics–it’s not hard– tell him your name–or ask him his name. Arrrrgh!”
“Well, thank you.” He felt his lip tremble as if he wanted to say more but he still couldn’t connect brain cells to voice. The man dipped his head smiling ever so slightly and that was that. “Leave before you make it awkward–in front of an audience no less.” So he turned and left before he could change his mind.
Once he heard the door close behind him he exhaled a breath he hadn’t even realized he had been holding. He clutched the book to his side and strode off down the street buoyed by a lightness in his chest he hadn’t felt since he discovered the Serpent’s Nebulae many years ago. The day seemed brighter, and he was already devising the reason for his next visit to the bookshop–perhaps he could see what science fiction the shop had to offer.
“Oi–I mean, excuse me. Stop.” The voice caught him off guard, and he was put more off guard to see it was the man from the shop running up to him. His heart hiccupped in his chest. What was happening?
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I leave something?” Why had he run after him? “Is everything okay?” He felt the tension across his shoulders screwing back up. This was odd.
The man was panting so hard he couldn’t get a word out, but he held out the book and Anthony felt his shoulders droop ever so slightly. Why was this man so preoccupied with giving him this book?
“I told you, two boxes in the garage.” He tried to make it light. “You sound like a grumpy arse.”
The man shook his head and tried to force his breathing down. “I know I know, um…sorry a bit puffed.” He motioned to the book and bent over finally getting his breathing under control. “Um, no I bought it. Would you–could you sign it for me?” A smile spread across Anthony’s face and his heart thumped hard in his chest. This wonderful angel of a man had devised a plan to catch him, barely, and to give him his name. He thought he had felt some mutual chemistry and this threw open that door that had slammed shut all those years ago. For the first time in over a decade he felt hope.
“What’s your name?” He took the book and the man immediately clasped his hands in front of him as if it was helping him remember his name.
“Fell, Asa Fell–with an S.”
“Asa–what a splendid name–pen, shit. Need a pen.” He patted his pockets hopelessly. “Um, do you have a..”
The man grinned. “Oh! Yes, sorry.” He pulled a pen out of his pocket and Anthony paused and
looked up as their fingers brushed ever so slightly with the exchange of the pen and a small zing went
through his hands. He couldn’t believe that he had his name. That shock must have made Asa a little more brave as well. Anthony could hardly register what he heard next.
“I need you to write your number down too, for me.” Anthony looked up and into those storm blue eyes. He could see the fear behind the small bit of boldness. “So I can ask you to dinner.”
“Anthony… say something. You’re staring at the poor man–say yes–write your number down! Something!” He couldn’t break away from those eyes–a deep blue with a ring of silver light around the edges as if the clear sky had sprinkled magic in them. They went on forever.
“And… you’ll say no… and um, but at least I’ll have asked.” Asa continued with such a large brave smile but all Anthony could do was blink– his brain whirling through the facts that this man wanted to see him, to eat dinner with him, to possibly get to know him. That he might be enough.
“You’re just…a lot.”
“You are always so loud and out there.”
“You go too fast!”
He had to meet Asa’s bravery with his own–he wanted to see that smile again, to drink it in and learn all the nuances of this face in front of him. He couldn’t leave this to a chance at a phone call or text. He needed to keep seeing this smile.
“I’m not going to give you my number.”
“No, no no! Sorry.” Anthony saw him holding back disappointment with Herculean effort trying to hide behind another nervous smile.
“I’ll wait for you.” Asa looked up and his face shone with such joy and relief. Anthony blinked slowly, barely able to fathom how wonderful this man he had just officially met could make him feel so at ease and comfortable and how he loved being the one that made him smile.
“Where are we going to eat dinner?” He grinned like a fool.