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the fourteenth. 3 days. her birthday.
the idea was exhilarating. the idea was suffocating. she put her phone down after she watched fuyuhiko go offline, a sigh escaping her as she slowly sat up, messy hair falling over her face as she rubbed at her eyes, sitting back to stare at the messy dorm.
clothes were scattered everywhere. game consoles lay amongst piles of clothes, tucked into half-open drawers. wires were tangled into themselves, creating the threat of an unremovable knot if she pulled the wrong one too hard. when she swung her legs over the bed, socked feet stepped over old sweet wrappers and scrapped drawings that missed the trash can entirely. a right mess, as if a tornado had swept through the room.
how long had it been, anyway? she rarely left her dorm except to eat now — it was weird to be able to experience hunger, but not at all unwelcome. the last modification she had done with the help of the talents of the Ultmate Engineer and Ultimate Biologist alike had brought her as close to human as possible, and while it was nice to feel closer to her friends, despite the way metal still scraped across muscle beneath her flesh, it was .. also stressful. to experience hunger and thirst, weakness and fatigue. frustrating at times, when the only thing she could do upon waking was lay in bed staring at the decor on her walls in disdain, the memory of being crushed beneath the heavy block making her body ache with phantom pains.
she never had a reason to leave. let herself distance from others until faces became blurry and voices turned to static in her memory. let her phone stay dead for days, only charging it when the loneliness felt too oppressive, too suffocating, and se needed to talk to someone just to remind herself she was real.
it wasn't always bad. some days she'd muster up the energy and tidy up her room some, make herself presentable for no-one except the mirror, and hold a conversation on her phone for longer than 2 minutes. talking to her friends – well, fuyuhiko mostly – became one of the few comforts she clung to when despair creeped into the edges of her thoughts like poison.
fuyuhiko was blunt. she knew it well, both from the neo world program and from their life in the [NEW WORLD]. he reminded her of hajime, in a way, with his abruptness and lack of hesitance to speak his mind.
'so, you're really just using him to replace hajime.'
"no." her brow furrowed as the thought passed across her mind. " that's wrong. im not replacing anyone. fuyuhiko is different .. i just want to be friends with everyone again, i... "
she sighed heavily, eyes drooping as she lt her head fall back to the soft blanket of her bed, shutting her eyes.
" i don't really know what i want. " she huffed, turning on her side to stare at the window, at the curtains obscuring the sun. " right now, i think i just wanna sleep. "
nobody answers. there is nothing but solitude, here. even the ghost of the girl she once was is quiet, as her eyes begin to shut. the haze of sleep envelops her, but doesn't consume her completely, only weighing her down, making her eyelids lower to near sits.
( someone was choking. she could hear it, the sound of gasping breaths and harsh, wet coughs, blood – was it blood? it tasted like blood, but her throat felt like it was closing up. – splattering on the ground and chest heaving.
a ragged inhale as shaking fingers pressed against puncture wounds, as she let out a cry of pain, unable to bite back the sobs that spilled from her lips as she rested her head on the cold floor. everything burned with a sore of fire she had never known before, ached with a dull, constant pain.
another harsh cough that felt like it was tearing their lungs apart and — oh. it was her who was choking. she inhaled unevenly, trying to force air into punctured lungs as she shuddered, but found herself unable to move. she watched helplessly as her friend's deaths played in front of her — ryota, teruteru, gundham, peko, everyone. komaeda was last as always, and the boy gave her a mocking grin as he taped his own mouth shut, holding up the bottle of poison. raising his hand as if to throw it at chiaki instead — )
she woke up choking on nothing. sitting up quickly, she exhaled a harsh gasp, eyes watering with effort and pain alike as she wrapped her arms around herself to quell the tremors wracking her body.
she swallowed, hands shaking as she reached for her phone — but hesitated. she stared for a moment at her last exchange with fuyuhiko, how she had said too much and yet how they moved on without addressing it too much. it was unnerving. it was comforting.
'so, you're really just using him to replace hajime.' her traitorous mind whispered again. exhaustion crept into her body immediately, a bone deep weariness you only find when fighting with yourself for so long. 'you're not a good friend to either of them.'
" yeah. " she murmured, holding onto the phone as she absently typed out a message, but changed her mind, backspacing it all and putting her phone back down. she wouldn't waste his time. wouldn't keep pusing her luck.
" i know. "