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Sometimes Hawkeye knew he was too much, he knew he was loud and obnoxious and said the wrong things or said too much, okay? He knew. He didn't need Frank or Margaret or whoever to tell him that again.
But sometimes he couldn't help it and it made him feel crazy. Or crazier than he already felt living in the 4077th. And it's not like there weren't other “odd” people here, for fucks sake there was whatever Klinger did every day of the week, but Hawkeye often felt he was alone in being even odder than the others.
Trapper had helped dull that feeling for a while, but his friend had long been sent home from the war and B.J. had come in his place. And while Trapper had been great, had been someone he didn't really need to talk to to communicate with, B.J. was like a part of his soul existed in another human being.
Hawkeye didn't even need to think about something and B.J. would already know what he needed, even more so when they were stuck in hour after hour of seemingly unending surgery.
But it wasn't just that B.J. knew what he needed then, because when they were in the operating room a lot of the doctors and nurses could read each other's minds, but it was also outside that it seemed his bunk mate knew him so well.
Maybe too well, as much as it physically pains Hawkeye to think about it like that.
Because he knows what he and B.J. share isn't something two buddies normally share. It goes beyond what he and Trapper used to share, beyond what Colonel Potter and Radar share, and beyond whatever is going on between Charles and Klinger.
And as Hawkeye digs the heels of his palms into his eyes he tries to convince himself it's normal. That what he shares with Beej is just a friendship and isn't anything more.
Even if it was something more they could never do anything about it anyway, especially not if either of them ever made it back to the States.
Even if it could be something more, why would B.J. ever want him like that? Trapper might've been recalled to the States, but the past few days there had been stilted between the two of them. And he still hadn't received a letter from him after all these months; not that Hawkeye’s expecting one any more.
He and Trapper had had a fight before the latter had left. Hawkeye had said the wrong thing, again, and Trapper hadn't bothered to let him give any form of explanation before launching into a whole rant about how Hawkeye was constantly messing up and why couldn't Hawkeye see how Trapper was always paving over the cracks he left behind and why was it always Trapper who was second to Hawkeye.
And sure, B.J. had never treated him like that, at least not yet, but Hawkeye swore he could almost see the frustration and resentment building in his new best friend just like it had in Trapper.
So Hawkeye would try and force himself to be quieter, to say the right things, to act like he would back home in Maine. But it would always be accompanied by a look from B.J. where his blue eyes were twinged with the slightest hint of concern and his usual easy smile was downturned just a little bit. Sometimes the look was gone so quickly Hawkeye thought he had imagined it, but it had happened enough times now that he knew he wasn't.
The look wasn't only when Hawkeye was trying to become more manageable, it was whenever B.J. deemed him worthy of being concerned about; which was way too frequent for Hawk’s liking.
So the look made it harder to pretend, because he hadn't had that back in Maine. He hadn't had someone who saw through the bullshit, who would stay there when others would have turned away, who walked over to Hawkeye’s cot to just sit next to him for a while.
B.J. was always there, in a way Hawkeye hadn't had before. And admittedly it was horrifying.
Not because Hawkeye was more than used to being the loud one, the obnoxious one, the cheery one, the ‘class’ clown. No, he knew that was the role he played in public. But because with B.J. he didn't need to do that, and the only other person he had ever possibly kind of maybe had that with before was his dad; which was completely different than when he just existed with B.J.
So yeah, Hawkeye knew he was a lot. He knew he was someone hard to like and hard to keep around. But for whatever reason B.J. was continuing to stay, to seek out more of Hawkeye when he didn't have to.
And it fucked with Hawkeye’s brain a little bit if he was being honest, because he wasn't used to being seen like B.J. saw him.
But maybe, maybe he could let B.J. be the one to see him. All of him.
Even if it was horrifying, even if there were a lot of risks if they were caught. It would be worth it if he had B.J. just because he simply had B.J. to exist with.