Chapter Text
Dazai had always been estranged no matter where he went. The very few moments he hadn’t felt estranged, something always went wrong soon after. Or, someone would criticize the people in those memories.
He remembers the first time someone insulted his comfort vividly.
Kunikida and Yosano were sitting on the floor of Yosano’s dorm with him, though they’d normally go to a bar. It had become a small tradition a couple months after Dazai joined, though Kunikida would only have a glass or two at most. He’d only been there for six months at this point.
Dazai was rambling on about a few meaningless things that happened while he was in the Port Mafia when Mori had suddenly come up.
“Did you know Ougai?” Yosano leans back against the couch, swirling her glass. Dazai hadn’t mentioned his ranking before, but it sounded as though he knew high ranking members.. It's possible he worked under Ougai.
“Mhm.. Old weirdo, he wasn’t too bad though. He used to take me out for lunch when he had free time in his schedule..” Dazai snickers and takes a sip from his own glass.
Yosano and Kunikida sat there staring at him as if he had two heads before Kunikida spoke. “You used to get lunch with him? Regularly?”
“Yeah, he’d take me to this old seafood place on the other side of the city.. It was nice.”
“He’s a monster, having lunch with him isn’t ‘nice’. Haven’t you seen how he uses his ability? He’s a pervert. Are you sure he wasn’t trying to do something to you?” Yosano leans forward a little, her tone getting thicker.
Dazai frowns. He knows of Yosano’s history with Mori, Ranpo had even warned him to be careful mentioning Mori around her. The Mori he remembered was nothing like what she described.
“How does his ability forming a woman make him a pervert?”
“A woman? He very clearly has it take the form of a child! She barely appears older than twelve.”
Now it was Dazai’s turn to stare. Mori never had Elise take the form of a child, he doesn’t remember that at least. Elise was very clearly an adult anytime he saw her, besides photos from the war.
“No, Elise took the form of an adult woman Mori’s age. She hasn't been a child since the war.”
Yosano sighs and leans against her couch again. “Fine, maybe she was an adult while you were in the Port Mafia. That doesn’t fix anything Ougai did, having lunch with him consistently shouldn’t be considered nice.”
“Well, it was nice for me. I enjoyed our lunches together, I spent more time around Mori than anyone else.”
“No wonder you’re so fucking weird.. First the gravity manipulator, now Ougai.. You shouldn’t have been allowed in the agency.” Yosano tries to stand and Kunikida immediately stops her, trying to not look at the expression on Dazai’s face… he’s never seen Dazai so angry. They both clearly have had too much to drink.
“That’s enough! Yosano, go to bed. I’ll take Dazai to his dorm. Goodnight.” He takes Yosano’s glass and sets it on the table before heading over to Dazai. He holds his hand out, waiting for Dazai to take it. “Dazai, let’s go.”
Dazai stares at him blankly for a moment before letting Kunikida help him up, leaning against him mindlessly. His mind was spiraling on Yosano’s words. She’s right, he doesn’t deserve to be in the agency. He’s not a good person, he’ll never be a good person. Joining the agency was a mistake, he’ll just have to be gone by morning. “Hi…hi…”
Kunikida sighs, “Hi, Dazai..” He begins leading Dazai to the door, then down the stairs to his own dorm. Dazai leant on him the whole time as if he was a ragdoll. “Where’s your key?”
“Pocket..”
Kunikida glances at Dazai’s clothes and hesitates. Two pockets on his pants, two on his jacket, a small breast pocket on his shirt… Knowing Dazai, even his underwear probably has pockets.
“Which pocket is your key in?”
“Uhmm…pocket..”
Kunikida hesitates, slowly reaching for Dazai’s coat pocket, then the next, then his breast pocket… no key in any of them. He reaches for Dazai’s left pant pocket, sticking his hand in carefully. He feels the key.. it’s in Dazai’s boxers. Kunikida slowly pushes his hand into Dazai’s pants.. ‘Does this guy not own any clothes that fit him?’ He pulls the key out hastily then opens the door to Dazai’s dorm before pulling him inside.
He’s never been to Dazai’s dorm before.. It's almost completely bare. On the floor are a few sake bottles and a futon. The only other things inside are a small coffee table, a minifridge, a stove, a cabinet, and a dresser.
Kunikida takes a breath and walks Dazai to the futon to help him sit down.
“I’ll get you some water..” he walks over to the kitchenette and opens the cabinet to find a glass, only to find bandages, a knife, and more sake bottles. He glances at the knife… there’s dry blood on the edge. Kunikida feels his throat tighten and he walks to Dazai slowly. “We’re going to my dorm..”
“Ok..” Dazai takes Kunikida’s hand again, leaning against him as Kunikida walks him out the door and to the next door over.
Kunikida opens the door and walks Dazai to his bed. “Stay here. I’m getting you some water.” Kunikida walks back to the door and locks it before getting water from his sink and bringing it to Dazai. He raises the glass to Dazai’s lips. “Slow, don’t choke..” He sets the glass down on the nightstand before sitting next to Dazai. “You shouldn’t sleep in those.. You can borrow some of my clothes.”
Dazai nods drunkenly and leans against Kunikida. Kunikida hesitates for a moment before taking off Dazai’s jacket. He sets it on the footboard, then takes Dazai’s bolo tie off and sets it on the nightstand. ‘It was useless being so careful about his key earlier at this point..’ He continues to undress Dazai, unbuttoning his shirt slowly and setting it over his jacket, then undoes the fly of Dazai’s pants and pulls them off, placing them on top of the shirt and jacket.
He stares at Dazai… he’s skinny, really skinny, but he still has a bit of muscle. Kunikida never truly thought of just how much the bandages covered, but it seemed they only covered what’s visible normally.. Bandages on his ankles, neck, and wrists, nowhere else.
Kunikida stands to get clothes for Dazai, but he’s already asleep when he glances back at Dazai’s face. “Dazai… don’t sleep yet- damn it..” he doesn’t have a futon anywhere, nor does he have a couch. He’ll have to share the bed with Dazai.
He hesitates, then pushes Dazai softly to help him lie down. Kunikida hadn’t shared a bed with anyone since high school, though he’d never admit that to Dazai. Dazai already made fun of him enough, he didn’t need more ammunition. Kunikida also doubted he’d be able to change that. Why would any girl spend time with him when guys who look like Dazai are around? Sure, Dazai’s a womanizing bastard, but girls still love him. Just a few days ago, multiple girls showed up begging Dazai to take them on a date.
Kunikida can’t help but stare at Dazai.. he’s so peaceful. Usually he’s acting like a maniac, but he’s so beautiful now. He glances over at the time, then begins changing into his pajamas.
He put on the first T-shirt he saw then grabbed a pair of sweatpants he had laid out this morning.
Kunikida soon lied down beside Dazai in the bed, slowly trying to cover himself and Dazai with the blanket. He fell asleep before he himself noticed himself falling asleep…
Kunikida shifts, the light shining through the blinds and hitting his eyes. He tries to move, only to feel weight holding him down all over his body… His eyes open and he tries to sit up. Dazai’s all over him, his limbs tangled with Kunikida’s.
“Dazai…”
Dazai shifts slightly, pressing into Kunikida more. “Head hurts..”
Kunikida moves his hand to play with the ends of Dazai’s hair.. soft curls moving smoothly against his skin. He speaks slightly softer, careful to not aggravate Dazai’s hangover. “I’ll get you some ibuprofen..”
“No… stay… just be quiet..” Dazai mumbles against Kunikida’s neck, trying to hold him closer.
Kunikida sighs, hesitantly draping his arm over Dazai waist.. he’d never seen Dazai so pliant. “You should be like this more often…” He pauses, realizing just how odd it sounds. “It’d be easier to work if you were quiet.”
—-
The next time Dazai had been forced into an odd box of alienation was at the office in the middle of a strategy meeting. It wasn’t really a meeting, they hadn’t even had a conference room at the time since it was mostly for storage.
It had been four months since Dazai first joined the agency.
Everyone was gathered in the main office, sitting at their desks. Dazai had moved to the couch, Fukuzawa sat at an empty desk near Ranpo’s.
Fukuzawa had just finished explaining information recently found about the Port Mafia. The formerly five executives were now only four, and Mori seemingly refused to fill the fifth spot once more.
Ranpo looked at Dazai suddenly. “You know Mr. Fancy Hat, the gravity manipulator, right? You used to hang out with him?”
Dazai looks away from his nails quickly to look at Ranpo. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him, waiting for an answer.
“Yeah… We were the only teenagers in the Port Mafia..” Dazai hesitates, he could’ve phrased that differently. Chuuya was the only teenager Mori would allow him to be around in the Port Mafia.
“You hung out with an executive?” Kunikida begins to stare at Dazai, watching him closer than he usually does.
“He wasn’t an executive at the time… We’d just go to the arcade sometimes..” And make out, go on dates, and occasionally fuck. Though the agency doesn’t need to know Dazai’s dating history..
Yosano nearly begins to speak before Fukuzawa stands up, coughing to draw attention to himself. “There’s no reason to hound Dazai on his past. He doesn’t question any of you, you shouldn’t question him.”
Fukuzawa looks down at Dazai… those helpless eyes, the same look Mori gave him the last time they saw each other.
He’d known Dazai was Mori’s newest protege from simply looking at him.. He’d heard Mori was genuinely kind to the boy, yet he still left. He had sins to make up for in his past, this was the way to fix things. He’d take care of Ougai’s boy as if he was his own, even if Dazai never realized why.
He’d never forget those red eyes, or the way Mori would tilt his head when questioning something.
Fukuzawa had heard Ougai had a son, he’d even met the boy once or twice when he first met Mori. The boy was a newborn, though Ougai was freshly eighteen. They had been close temporarily, Fukuzawa learned the boy’s mother had died giving birth, though she had been disturbingly older than Ougai.
The next time he heard of and saw Ougai, the boy was gone, supposedly given away. Mori attempted to say he never had a child, but Fukuzawa had remembered those eyes, and he still had a polaroid from back then. He had no reason to keep it all these years, yet he did.
That night, Dazai lay on his futon in his dorm, shifting restlessly until he finally settled and was left to his thoughts. Chuuya.. oh how he missed him.
The nights they’d lie on the roof of the Port Mafia’s headquarters together, now it was blocked off so nobody could reach it. The arcade they went to, now abandoned. Even the bakery they went to on their first date after a mission Mori had sent them on… it had been burned down in an accident and replaced with a random store.
Nothing of their love remained.