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They haven’t had new releases for almost 1,5 years and it was good to be busy again. The band was preparing for the release of a new single and there was a lot of work to do.
Recording, arrangement, photoshoots, PV filming - after the long break everything felt new and fun.
Shou looked very excited. He liked thinking of new images, designing new outfits, working on album sleeves. Lately he even tried directing photoshoots. And then of course there were lyrics.
Tora liked watching Shou write. Most of the time he wrote lyrics at home or at cafes but sometimes when he felt inspired he’d try to write them down whenever they came. He was so focused on his task he didn’t see anything that was going on around him.
Right now Shou was sitting behind a desk his head bent, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. He would write down a few lines, look up with a very thoughtful expression sometimes biting the end of his pencil which was unintentionally erotic, then his face would light up and he’d resume writing very quickly, sometimes viciously erasing and replacing some parts.
Tora always thought Shou’s lyrics were amazing. They were deep, elegant and so full of soul. Every time Tora’s song got approved he couldn’t wait to hear it with Shou’s lyrics. He knew other members felt the same. Saga wrote the most songs out of them so it added to the challenge. In the end though they worked on each song together, arranging it for the record and for performing so there wasn’t such a thing as “my song” or “his song”, only Alice Nine songs.
Lately Tora had a lot of extra duties. He was now hosting a show and though at first there was some hesitation he realized he was beginning to really enjoy it. He also began wearing glasses again. Partly because he never really liked contacts and they made his eyes itch. But mostly because Shou said he looked “so hot” in them.
The guitarist spent all morning at the office and now he was returning to his apartment to get some rest. However, as he approached the door he noticed there was someone at his doorstep. Coming closer he realized it was Shou holding a big paper bag.
When the vocalist noticed him he sprang to his feet cheerfully:
“Hi!”
“What are you doing here?”
“You said you’d be back at about noon so I decided to come over. I wanted to call but my phone died and…” Shou sounded almost apologetic.
“Sorry. It took longer than expected. How long have you been sitting here?” Tora asked fumbling with the keys.
“About an hour?”
“I’m really sorry. You should have gone home.”
“I know just… I brought some groceries, I thought you’d be hungry and…”
It was then that Tora remembered the big bag Shou was still holding.
“You really shouldn’t have.” He helped Shou unload it onto the kitchen counter.
“But thank you.” He added snaking his arms around the vocalist’s middle and pressing a warm kiss against his neck.
“Hmmm.” Shou instantly relaxed against him. “I suppose I can think of a way for you to make up to me.” Shou’s smile turned wicked.
Tora always suspected Shou had a naughty side. All the fanservice and suggestive photoshoots… but exploring this side was something different entirely.
Tora liked the way Shou reacted to his presence. The way he shuddered whenever Tora touched his bare shoulder or the way he blushed when he caught Tora looking at him while he was changing. It has been almost a year since the guitarist realized his feelings but they just kept getting stronger. It wasn’t quite a mad infatuation but there was always this undeniable spark between them, something that only made Tora crave for more.
Filming has never been Tora’s favourite part. Hot lights from the projectors, adjusting your make-up over and over again and most importantly having to wait on stand-by for hours - all of it was very frustrating. However, this time nobody complained. The PV was turning out to be really cool and they couldn’t wait to see the result.
Shou dyed his hair platinum blonde and cut it much shorter but it looked good. He had a sword and an eye patch encrusted with Swarovski, like an ultra-modern Masamune Date. He also wore a glamorized military-style jacket. His tight black pants were ripped revealing a hot pink leopard print underneath. In other words, it was an outfit only Shou could pull off.
This time nobody even minded the waiting as they talked and fooled around.
“With a general like that they could conquer the world!” Saga joked.
“What are you saying?” the vocalist laughed softly.
“We don’t need to conquer the world, we shall conquer hearts!” Nao suggested cheerfully. Tora thought he did have a point.
Once the promotion shall be done with, there was a nation-wide tour straight ahead and everyone was anxious to go into battle and give it all they had.
The tour was amazing. Playing their songs, giving people smiles, making them feel connected – it was a great feeling. Though Tora didn’t like traveling by bus and staying at hotels it was a small price for bringing their music all over Japan.
The first concert went great. Nobody wanted to leave the stage as the crowd kept cheering for them. As soon as they returned to the hotel Tora went straight to his room. “I must be getting old”, he thought to himself. But somehow he really didn’t feel like drinking. Also recently Shou complained that even though they tour Japan every year they don’t really get to see anything apart from the hotels and venues so Tora wanted to get to bed early so that maybe they could take a walk around the city in the morning.
This time Tora shared a room with the younger guitarist which the latter seemed very excited about. As he was getting ready for bed he noticed Hiroto was staring at him all fidgety.
“Just say it already.” The younger guitarist seemed to have been taken aback and smiled awkwardly.
“So… how’s it going?” Tora had to smile at the smooth move.
“What?”
“You know… with you and Shou?”
“Good.” This was getting increasingly awkward.
“I’m really glad.” Hiroto smiled but it seemed like there was more to it so Tora waited.
“I heard you told your parents…”
“I did.”
They both did. Earlier this year he and Shou decided it was better to come out to their parents at the same time and face the consequences together.
It went pretty well for Shou. It seems like his family suspected it for a long time. They weren’t exactly happy about it but they were trying to accept it.
As for Tora… He knew it would be hard. His father was a very strict man and very conservative too. Tora thought he was prepared for anything. He expected his father to get mad, to scream at him, even hit him but what he didn’t expect was this cold look in his eyes. The man hardly said anything at all, just looked at him with this icy glare that sent shivers down his spine and he felt like he was a little boy again. His mother seemed confused more than anything. He’d left soon after and didn’t come back. It’s been two weeks.
Tora didn’t really realize the room fell silent until Hiroto spoke.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry and annoy you. Just… We didn’t have much chance to talk lately.”
“It’s not like that. I’m just really not good at this kind of talks.”
“No, I shouldn’t have asked. It’s none of my…”
“It’s just really hard, you know. No matter how old you are you still seek for their approval.” Hiroto went quiet, he almost seemed to hold his breath. When Tora didn’t say anything else he spoke.
“I’m sure they’ll come around. They seem like really nice people and they will have to accept what is important for you. You know, wasn’t it like this with the band? At first they didn’t approve but when they saw you were serious about it they began to support you. Sorry, maybe it’s not quite the same but…”
“No, I guess you’re right.” Hiroto had so much trust for the world it was contagious. Sometimes he was almost annoyingly cheerful and anyone who didn’t know him well would have thought that the young man didn’t have a care in the world but Tora knew better than that.
Hiroto’s unwavering beliefs and the ability to always look ahead was what helped them to get through the darkest times. When they first met Tora thought there was no way they would get along, they almost seemed to be complete opposites of each other. But he trusted Shou’s sense and somehow over the years the two of them seemed to balance each other out. Hiroto matured, became more composed and thoughtful while Tora managed to open up a bit, became more sociable and learned to trust people more.
“You know I’ll always be there for you.” The younger guitarist said earnestly.
“I know. Thank you.”
The next day it was Nagoya. They were greeted warmly and the concert was wonderful. For Tora tours were always a blessing. They made everything so simple. Arrive, rehearse, perform, eat, drink, sleep, repeat. Until recently he felt like tours were the best part of his life while everything else was just a means to an end. But now his life changed and there was more to it than just music and performing. And the reason for that…
Tora's train of thought was interrupted as heard the door open and close. He thought it was Hiroto but when he looked up he saw Shou instead.
“Hey. How are you doing?”
“I’m fine.” Tora answered.
Shou just smiled gently and lay down on the bed next to him. He didn’t say anything but somehow his presence alone was comforting.
“Are you going to stay?” Tora asked.
“Do you want me to?”
“Of course I do.” Somehow he didn’t know what else to say.
“Then I will." A minute passed in comfortable silence until Shou spoke again.
Hiroto said you looked lonely and I should check up on you."
“He’s a good kid.”
“Yeah. We’ve raised a fine son.” They both laughed. Then Shou’s face grew serious.
“I know it still hurts and I can’t fix it. But I’m here if you need me. Always.”
“Thank you. I really am fine though. Perhaps even more that I should be. I have you. And Hiroto. And those two crazy ones next door.” Shou chuckled. “You are my family too.”
The vocalist moved closer and put his arms around Tora while his head rested on the man’s shoulder. Tora felt all the negative thoughts erased from his mind replaced by a soothing warmth as his eyelids got heavier.
The tour came to an end and everyone gathered at Tora’s for a little celebration. His apartment was the biggest and situated right in the centre of Tokyo. They sat on the floor, drinking and sharing stories. Chikin looked from the side curiously.
Hiroto was going on about all the steel towers he managed to take pictures of, Nao shared his reviews of the local cuisine and Saga did some of his silly impersonations which made everyone roll on the floor with laughter. Tora and Shou were sitting side by side making comments and passing jokes.
“Ah, it feels like nothing has changed.” Saga sighed looking positively inebriated.
“Except, you know…” Hiroto said nodding towards Tora and Shou.
“Oh, I don’t know.” Saga replied eyeing them suspiciously. “Are you sure you guys are together? I’ve never even seen you kiss!”
“Tora-shi is the stoic type.” Nao offered.
“He sure is." Saga agreed. "He survived the Golden Pants stage AND the Leopard Leggings stage and didn’t snap.” Shou blushed while everyone laughed.
“Oh, shut up!” Tora said but put his left hand around Shou’s shoulder and brought him closer. It was good to fool around with people who truly accept you for who you are. It felt they were almost like a family. A very weird one, but still family.
It was late at night by the time everyone left. Well, everyone apart from Shou. He looked really tired so Tora insisted that he stayed. Not that Shou resisted much. Tora was cleaning up when he noticed that the vocalist fell asleep on the couch. He only had one cup of plum wine but it was enough to make him drowsy. Tora brought a blanket to cover him but didn’t leave right away. He held his breath when Shou stirred but the man just sighed and snuggled into the covers.
The vocalist had dark circles under his eyes. Lately he has been working extra hard. They finally managed to confirm their performance at Nippon Budoukan and even though it was only in January there were many things to prepare and Shou wanted to make sure that everything shall be perfect.
Tora knew better than anyone about the strength the young man possessed at the core. Shou had always been strong, never giving up, working hard to pursue his dreams. But now it seemed he tried harder than ever. “After all, a name is more than just a word,” Tora thought to himself.
None of them possessed a leader-like personality. Hiroto was too much of a free spirit, Saga couldn’t even manage himself while Nao somehow gradually slipped out of the position. And Tora… well, he just never wanted to lead, never wanted people to depend on him.
But Shou was stronger than that, stronger than him. Little by little he was taking more responsibilities – talking, designing, directing. Without realizing it he’d become the band’s leader, and a good one at that. He was caring and understanding but strict when he needed to be. In the end, Tora thought, it was him who brought the members together, it was him who created the name. Shou was the heart of the band.
Tora’s build and sharp features always made people assume he was very manly but in all honesty Tora has never met anyone as manly as Shou. Not in the phony way of looking or acting tough, but in being trustworthy, responsible and persevering. Yet there was an undeniable gentleness about him, both in character and appearance.
When Tora was younger he often heard the older men say: “You have to protect the person you love”. At that time he thought these words seemed like an anachronism, something out of the past era, now meaningless. The modern Japan was safe as it could get. There were no wars or real crime to protect from. Yet, now Tora realized there was a deeper meaning to it. Because there was always something to protect from. Everyone needs to be taken care of, even if they don’t want to admit it. Especially if they don’t want to admit it.
Gently Tora stroked the soft blonde hair. In the end Shou made his own choice. Tore knew better than anyone that those delicate shoulders could carry a lot more than one could imagine. Tora couldn’t and wouldn’t hold him back. But more than anything he wanted to become a wall Shou could lean on at times when he felt he took on too much.
It was early morning and Shou was about to leave when Tora caught his arm gently.
“Hey, wait a minute. I’ve got something for you.”
Tora left the room and when he returned he took Shou’s hand and put something in it.
“What’s this?” the vocalist glanced at his palm to see a set of keys.
“I made a copy for you” Tora answered looking down. Shou was clearly surprised.
“But Tora, I…”
“I just want you to have them. I’ve been meaning to do this since that time you had to wait for me so… Just in case something like that happens.” Shou continued to look at the new shiny set of keys in his hand as if mesmerized.
“I probably should have made it differently, set up something romantic, but I’m terrible at these things.” Tora laughed suddenly feeling embarrassed.
“What are you talking about? I don’t care about that stuff. You should know that by now.”
“I know, but…”
“Thank you.” Shou embraced him and kissed his cheek gently before going out the door.
Tora liked to watch Shou reading. He was so absorbed by it, his eyes quickly scanning the pages. Tora always wondered what kind of world Shou was in at that moment, what kind of adventure he was living.
He himself never really read books. Maybe some manga, but nothing too difficult. Sometimes he felt stupid when Shou tried to tell him about something excitingly and he had no idea what the man was talking about. But that was also something he liked about their relationship. They were different in so many ways you’d have to wonder how they even became friends in the first place. He liked FPS while Shou preferred RPG. Shou loved fashion and shopping and he couldn’t care less about it. He loved alcohol and Shou couldn’t drink to save his life. Shou wanted to travel and he didn’t really care about going anywhere. Yet somehow when they were together none of that seemed to matter.
Tora was woken up by the sound of his phone ringing. He squinted at the clock. It read 2 AM. The number was unidentified. Tora’s first reaction was to switch off the phone and go back to sleep but after a few moments he decided he wanted to know who dared to disturb him at such a late hour. As he answered the call a soft male voice said:
“I’m very sorry to disturb you, sir, but your friend here had a bit too much to drink. Would you please be so kind as to pick him up?”
“Is this a joke?”
“Um, no, sir. I’m afraid it is not.”Tora groaned looking for his glasses and something to write down the address.
“Fine. I’ll try to get there soon,” He said before hanging up.
“I’m gonna kill that bastard” Tora growled slowly getting out of bed.
Thankfully the bar wasn’t too far. As soon as he entered he spotted a familiar lanky figure at the counter.
“Tora, buddy, I knew you’d come for me.”
“Oh, shut up.”
The bar was empty except for an elderly woman who was looking at them with a small smile. Tora figured she must be the owner.
“I apologize if he’s caused you any trouble”
“Oh, no. He didn’t cause any trouble at all. Such a sweet and handsome young man. Kept an old lady a company. Please take him home safely.”
“No, the pleasure was mine,” Saga replied and the woman laughed looking embarrassed.
Then, turning to Tora:
“See? I’ve been good.” he slurred grinning. There were bags under the bassist’s eyes and his hair was messy.
“You look like hell. I don’t usually give advice but you should really get yourself together."
“Easy for you to say, Tora-shi. You have someone to come home to. You think you looked much different some two years ago?”
Tora knew it was true. Lately he didn’t go drinking much and was much more likely to stay at home. His lifestyle had become healthier too. As the guitarist fell silent Saga spoke again.
“That’s ok. I don’t take offence. I just hope you know how lucky you are.”
Tora quickly said goodbye and dragged Saga out of the bar.
“Sometimes I think it was both my worst and best decision to make a band with you.” Tora said as they were finally seated in his car.
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Saga replied as they drove off.
“Why did you even call me of all people?” Tora frowned.
“Well, it’s not like I have many friends. I’d usually call Nao but he’s out of town. Hiroto would get really mad plus he’s kinda small. Don’t tell him I said that. And Shou… I bet you wouldn’t really want me to call him.”
“Whatever.” The rest of the ride was silent.
“Thanks for picking me up.” Saga said as Tora parked the car.
“It’s ok.” Somehow Tora found his anger got lost in the cold night air.
“I knew you liked me after all.”
“You wish. Next time I’ll surely dump your ass.”
“Got it.” Saga grinned at him with his shiny braces before getting out of the car.
Tora liked the fact that he and Shou didn’t need to be together all the time. They could spend days apart without having to make excuses. Shou always gave him the space he needed, just enough time that Tora began to miss him. Shou had his own friends, his games and books. Shou could throw a Final Fantasy marathon or go see some romantic movie with Hiroto while he could go drinking and it would be ok. But Tora knew that if needed it would take one call for either of them to cancel all their plans and come over.
At the dawn of their relationship Tora felt somewhat regretful that he made Shou wait for so long. But then he realized that in the long run it was probably for the best. Remembering himself at 20 Tora frowned. He was alienated and reckless and too fixated on sex. He was sabotaging every relationship once it began to develop into something meaningful. If he’d try to build a romantic relationship with Shou at that time he’d probably end up doing something stupid and hurting him or even screwing things up within the band. But now they both were ready and it was really working out.
Finally the day has come. The day they were about to perform at one of Japan’s biggest venues and open a new page in the band’s history.
Budoukan was very different from other venues. Not only it was bigger, but there you could see the fans’ faces up close and they could see yours. It was both exciting and scary. They played here once before but this time was different since tonight it was their own stage.
Tora was very nervous. He tossed and turned all night unable to sleep. The last few days have been awfully stressful. There seemed to be a million things that needed to be confirmed. The setlist, the equipment, the costumes… And there was that thing: he sent the tickets to his parents but got no confirmation whatsoever. He hasn’t been home since that talk and though he talked to his mother on the phone a few times it was always awkward.
The other guys seemed just as nervous. They caught each other’s eyes and exchanged knowing looks. Somehow it was reassuring. Shou looked calm but Tora knew it was just a façade.
Everyone’s make-up was done and they were hanging out in the dressing room – warming up, playing games, smoking or just pacing nervously. Shou was sitting on the couch silently looking at the setlist. The vocalist had one earring in his left ear. It looked exactly like the one Tora was wearing except the stone was black. Shou gave him the earrings for Valentine’s last year looking embarrassed because he was afraid it was too sentimental but Tora reassured him he loved it and wore one in his left ear ever since. He liked the idea that there was a subtle link between them on such an important day.
It was almost time to start the show and they were ushered through the long halls into the room that lead to the stage. Everyone shared brief hugs. When it was his and Shou’s turn Tora didn’t want to let go. But Shou patted his back a little and smiled at him and he felt like it might be ok after all. But when they found themselves right in the middle of the venue, thousands of eyes focused on them, Tora felt his palms get sweaty. The short walk to the stage felt like forever.
They put their hands together, and with a final shout took their places. Once Tora picked up his guitar and touched the strings his nervousness fused into determination. But it wasn’t until they reached Stargazer that the realization sunk in. They really made it all the way here. It was a long and difficult path but it was worth it, every minute of it.
Tora looked up to the audience. So many people were watching him… It was amazing. But all the while he couldn’t help to try and look for two very familiar faces. They played song after song, the audience cheered and the tension was high but the seats remained empty. It was halfway through the concert when the guitarist thought to himself: “This is stupid. This isn’t why I’m doing this. It’s my day, our day and I won’t let anything ruin it.” With a firm resolve he decided that he shall not look in that direction any more.
Two hours flew by. As they made their way backstage to catch their breath before the encore Tora’s head was spinning. He felt like he was drunk but in a good way. Music became their common heartbeat, something as essential as air. It didn’t feel like work, it felt like coming home, spending time with his family. Tora knew they all felt this way.
The band only had a few minutes to catch their breath before the encore. As they wiped off the sweat they could feel the adrenaline coursing through their bodies.
“I’m so tired.” The bassist said collapsing on the couch. “But this is the best. Even better than sex.”
Tora wanted to add a witty remark that Saga probably doesn’t even remember what sex feels like but decided he didn’t want to ruin the mood. Besides, the bassist was right. Tired as he was he also couldn’t wait to go back out there and play.
They could already hear the audience chanting for the encore. Tora glanced to his side. Shou was looking at him with a warm smile. Words were not needed.
Then there were more songs. It felt like they were on top of the world. They kept pouring their souls into every sound until the last note died down. As they thanked the audience Tora looked around one last time. It was a magnificent landscape that would be engraved in his memory until the day he died.
Slowly Tora reached the dressing room but as he entered the door he came upon a sight that made his heart beat fast inside his chest. They all agreed that they would meet their families later. It would be very crowded if everyone brought their relatives to the dressing room especially since it seemed like after the concert was announced their families suddenly expanded to include uncles and cousins they’d never heard of before.
However, right now two very familiar people were waiting for him by the wall. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Shou bowing way longer than anyone would have deemed appropriate before darting to the side toward the dressing tables.
“Father…”
“You did well today.” Tora held his breath.
“I… I didn’t see you.”
“I had important business and we couldn’t come earlier.” He paused. “But it was enjoyable.” His mother was watching the two of them ready to step in if anything were to go wrong.
“Thank you for coming.” Tora bowed.
“Well then. Me and your mother need to go now. I’m sure you also have things to attend to.” Tora could only nod.
“You should visit sometime.” Father said finally. Then glancing in Shou’s direction added “The two of you.”
Tora felt his knees go weak.
As much as he enjoyed hosting Tora wished the show ran earlier. It was past 1 AM by the time he reached the apartment. Tora really hated to cancel his plans, especially those involving Shou. However he felt really exhausted and he didn’t want to be useless when they go out.
As he stepped inside he was surprised to see the lights were on. And then there was the smell of food.
In the kitchen he was greeted with the sight of Shou at the stove. He was wearing a simple checkered shirt with sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a black apron. Tora felt warmth spreading in his chest. He had forgotten how good it felt – coming home to someone.
Chikin was on the floor mewling at Shou probably hoping to get a treat.
“Sorry, boy. I’ve got a really big kitty to feed. And he won’t be pleased if I spoil you.”
Tora couldn’t help but chuckle at this compromising himself.
“Oh, hi. Go change, it’s almost ready.” Shou said with a warm smile.
“I thought we cancelled our plans.” Tora said still somewhat confused.
“We did. You said you were very tired and didn’t want to go out so I thought I’d come and help you relax instead.”
Tora didn’t know what to say. So instead he just came over, took Shou’s face in his hands and planted a firm kiss on his lips. Then he went to change.
The meal was simple but good - omurice and a couple of side dishes. Shou wasn’t exactly the master of cooking but Tora could tell he tried hard.
As Tora ate Shou sat across from him watching him expectantly.
“You know, I’m so hungry I could probably eat anything but this is really good.”
Shou beamed at him. “I know this isn’t much. I wish I could make you ramen.”
“What are you talking about? You spoil me as it is.” Tora protested. “But thank you.”
Before long his plate was empty and Tora felt sleepy and satisfied.
“You know, I can get used to this.” he said leaning back in his chair.
“I hope you will.” Shou smiled and Tora believed him.