Chapter Text
There's something other than blood in my veins, i want it out. None of these organs belong to me and i don't know how to get rid of them. I'm rotting alive from inside out and nobody takes it seriously. I am not a human. I don't know what i am but i know it's not a human. What does "being human" mean anyways? Is it having a mind? Thoughts on your own? Something else entirely? That's not something i would know, is it? I was born as a sentient corpse is all. I envy humans. I wish i knew what i was, i wish i knew what i was doing, i wish i knew how to be human. No, i have not been influenced by the internet or my environment, no, i don't pretend to be unique, no, i am not doing this for attention. I never belonged anywhere and i never will no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i pretend to be human, i will never be a part of this world. I'm rotting on my feet. Even as i'm writing, i can feel it spread through my body very slowly. I'm not sure when, how or why it started but i know it started from my stomach. Maybe it was something i ate, maybe it was the consuming desire and pressure to fit in. My thoughts don't belong to me. I can't see, i can't hear, i can't talk, i can't think. I'm so tired of this. İ don't know what i did to deserve this but i can't find a relief either. There's something in my veins, i need it out.
Every time i feel any emotion at all, i can just feel my cheeks hurting, my eyes and nose stinging, the headaches, the stomach aches and the nausea all hitting me at once, my face feels like the skin is melting from my bones. Everything i eat tastes like wet cardboard, i can't hear or smell anything anymore, i can't control my limbs nor my balance most of the time. I have lost my sense of time completely. Whenever i feel an emotion it hurts me physically. Doesn't matter if it's happiness, sadness, anger or fear. It hurts my heart, it hurts my head, it gives me nausea so bad that i want to throw up until i see blood, until my intestines are out, until my head stops hurting. I can't eat, it hurts. I can't sleep, it hurts. I can't cry, it hurts. I can't do anything. Everything hurts no matter what i do. Painkillers don't work anymore.I lost track of how long it has been going on for. My guess is at least three years but the more i think about it, the worse it gets.
I need help and i don't know nor understand how to ask for it. I don't understand how to be human. I observed from afar, from near, from every angle i could and i just don't understand. What am i doing wrong? I want to feel something properly. Something physical that isn't caused by my emotions. I want to smoke my lungs out, crush and snort my anti-depressants until i can't take it anymore and my nose bleeds, starve myself to death, stay awake until i can't anymore. If i can't be human, i don't want to keep trying for the rest of my life. Everything you humans do looks so easy. Just exist and survive. Right? Why does it have to be hard? My head hurts. I can't feel self inflicted pain anymore. I cut my leg to the bone last December. I didn't felt the blade cut that deep. I didn't felt the needle as they stitched me up. I just felt numb. And i felt pity for my parents. They were worrying about a corpse. Someone who's already dead. I can't express myself enough to ask for proper help. Especially when even i don't know what i need help for. I want to be human. Even if i can't, at this point, i would even chose to just feel human. I need help. I don't know how to ask for it. I need to be back under the dirt where i belong.