Chapter Text
The sun is blinding nowadays. The warm rays bounce off my skin, and I begin to burn in that glaring light. Despite the burn engulfing my exposed skin and the sweat soaking into my purple uniform, I don't dare move.
It is rare for the Aunts to allow us a day of relaxation, a day where we are allowed to lie in the grass and talk amongst ourselves freely.
Daisy continued yammering, blurred and incoherent in my mind. Shunammite is sitting across from me, her body leaning forward to better hear the now whispering Daisy.
My mind leaps in and out of thought. I’ve spent days in constant disassociation, my head is a puzzle with a missing piece, and though I surround myself with the comfort of my friends, I cannot help it; I cannot help thinking about her.
Becka married Garth. A man I was so deeply infatuated with that he occupied my brain constantly. He was kind, and he saw me, and in Gilead, for a man to consider a woman as a person: it is rare, almost incomprehensible.
But Becka… Becka always saw me. From the moment we met, she saw me. She validated the parts of me she could never understand and unconditionally loved all the worst parts of myself. Becka is the only person to truly know me, to love me truly and on the day of her wedding, she’d made that clear.
A sin, I thought at the moment. The way her lips pressed into mine was impermissible, a stamped, guaranteed ticket to hell. Though in that moment I felt comfort, a warmth I'd never been granted before. And after the sin, she smiled. A sad, desperate smile. In that instant, I understood, I knew what she felt for me was not what I'd felt for Garth but something far more intense. Something that lingered between us for god knows how long.
In the days that turned into weeks after their marriage, Becka has not once tried to contact me.
Garth visited my father's estate, a final parting from his duties. I no longer felt the immense spark caused by our eyes connecting; I’d only seen Becka in the reflection of his gaze.
Father would not be available for another hour or so, and Paula was retrieving tea from the kitchen.
I spoke, breaking the defining silence. “Is Becka okay?” I questioned. There was little doubt in my mind that Garth was in any way hurting her, and still…
Garth sat up straighter. The lids of his eyes parted slightly before he opened his mouth to speak. He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “She is...” he smiled. “Very stubborn,” he scoffed.
I gaze down, my fingers fiddling with one another, and I feel myself begin to smile. “Praise be, sounds like Becka.” I looked back up, and Garth’s expression had shifted slightly, something mournful.
Garth pressed his lips together, creating a thin line. “I worry a bit, though.” his shoulders raised as he took a breath before dropping them once more. “She does not sleep. On the rare occasion I find her unconscious, it is clear her dreams are… unpleasant.” he looked up a moment before his eyes returned to me.
My smile faded, and I'm sure sadness wrote an essay on my face. “I see.” I licked the dryness on my lips. “I wondered if you’d come to visit? You are her favourite person after all,” he smiled to cover up the tired glint in his eyes. “Yes,” I spoke a bit too quickly, I cleared my throat, “of course.” Garth smiled, boarding a chuckle. “Praise be, Becka should be ecstatic to see you.”
He was wrong.
I stood at the front door of Garth's new estate, a smaller building than my father’s but a roof nevertheless. I clutched the lilies in my fists to focus my stress away from the expression budding on my face.
The door was pulled open from the inside. Her dress is a silky teal, and her hair is undone into loose, flowy black curls. She did not smile when she saw me, as she’d done so many times before, but something in her eyes shone, brighter than the burning sun and almost as quickly as it was there, the moon had taken its place. Sombre and dignified as all wives should be.
“Agens?” she narrowed her eyes. Her voice was low and scratchy. “Why are you here?” My heart cracked a bit at the distance in her tone, the lack of touch that I so dearly missed.
I forced a smile over the concern and anxiety and tilted my head slightly. “Blessed be, has Garth not told you?” she raised a brow. “Right…” I sighed. I extend the Lilies towards the women. “For you,” she glanced at the flowers for a moment, then, looking at me, she reached forward, and her fingers grazed my hand momentarily. Becka pulled the flowers closer to herself before moving to the side. “Come in.” Her eyes looked elsewhere, albeit my gaze remained focused, memorizing every detail I hadn't bothered to before.
I stepped into the home. The decorations were minimal and followed a theme of grey tones.
She closed the door and turned the lock before stepping away. Becka marched into the living area of the home.
I followed closely behind, fearful that she’d disappear once more.
Becka sat stiff on the couch, her back to the window. Her posture is narrow and her expression inscrutable. She’d placed the flowers on the table with little care before her eyes analyzed my every move.
I could feel the pressure of my heart banging against my ribcage. I'd dreamt of this day since the distasteful gathering of two hearts who did not want each other: the day my feelings began to bud like a magnolia seed buried deep in my heart.
We basked in the silence for far too long before Becka opened her mouth. “What do you want?” She tried to remain uniform, but after all this time, I'd become proficient in reading the mystery that was Becka.
I sighed, a deep, long sigh. “How have you been?” I smiled. I just wanted her to talk to me like she once did, to have that glint that she once had. “I’m… well.” She’d cocked her head towards the painting hung on the wall.
I took two strides towards the same couch and sat slightly more relaxed than Becka had been. I turned my head to find the back of her head. “Becka, I am worried, as is Garth.” Her gaze remained elsewhere. A long pause swallowed the atmosphere. “I don't need your pity,” the brunette asserted.
I pursed my lips; I hadn't a thing to say.
My hand moved on its own, softly holding onto Becka’s. “Please do not distance yourself from me.” I squeezed softly as an attempt to articulate my hopelessness without her.
Becka stood abruptly, followed by a shaky breath.
While she stormed away, I caught sight of her hand moving to rub her eyes. The small crack in my heart had transformed into a pattern of movement, splitting in multiple directions.
“Agnes?”
I blinked and finally returned to the grass. Daisy sat next to me with her hand waving up and down, and Shunammite sat with her brows raised slightly.
“Yes… Ah, sorry.” Daisy leaned back. “Did you hear a word of what I’ve just said?” Daisy narrowed her eyes.
I did not respond. “Are you alright?” Shunammite queried. “You’ve been acting strange,” she continued. I eyed Daisy, who’s done the same to me.
Daisy scoffed. “I think she misses Becka.” It was meant to be a ‘joke’ to distract from talking about my mother, that I knew. But it was not untrue. “I will try to be more present.” I smiled, a hollow smile.
between periods, Daisy dragged me to the washrooms. She’d checked all of the stalls before beginning to speak. “Are you having a crisis?” she questioned. “Is this because of what I’ve told you?” She looked down, guilt filling the air.
I shook my head, falling back to lean on the wall. “Yes and no.” I remind myself to be honest. “My mind is scrambled, yes,” I bit the inside of my cheek. “But it is not because of you. To be truthful, I haven’t had the chance to even think about my lineage."
I lowered my gaze, feeling Daisy’s watchful eye on me. “It’s because of Becka then, right?” She sounded so confident. “Because she married the man you love.” yet so wrong.
I hadn't even been honest with myself about my feelings for Becka. Never spoke the thought of romantic feelings for her out loud. “I’m worried about Becka.” I spit out. “I know that she's unhappy. She’d never wanted this.” I shook my head at the thought of Garth and Becka’s lips meeting the way ours did.
Daisy nodded, “We should visit then,” she smiled. “I've already tried that.” I sighed. “She wanted nothing to do with me.” I looked at Daisy, and she looked back, Smug. “You haven't gone with me,” she pointed to herself, and I couldn't help but crack a smile.
Daisy stepped closer. “We’ll even bring Shu with us, get the whole gang back together.” She placed a comforting palm on my shoulder. I nodded, unsure of what disaster this visit could bring, yet my heart pounded at the thought of Becka looking at me, even if it was with disdain.