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His funeral was so large. The entire academy had been invited to the procession in Ixia, intermingling with the town surrounding the stronghold. She was lost in the crowd, surrounded by people wailing and crying, but her eyes were as dry as bone. She stared at the coffin, listless. People moved around her, but she couldn’t move an inch. A vice clamped around her throat, choking her.
Was he really in there? No. They had a lab report due in two days. He wouldn’t leave her to finish alone.
He knew she hated writing conclusions.
His father stepped up to the podium, his eyes tinged with red and his tail dragging. Even that much emotion was a shock from someone Graves had only known to be reserved and impassive.
Maybe they were more alike than Graves thought. Cold, lonely, and completely lost without their sun.
Apollo’s father cleared his throat. “My son would have loved to see how many people came today. Thank you.”
Always the people person. Always shining. The golden boy to her silver girl. A mismatched pair.
“My son,” his father’s voice broke. He grabbed a bottle of water with shaking hands, took a sip, then tried again.
“My son was the pride of North Ixia. More than that, he was my and my late wife’s pride and joy. He was strong, intelligent, and good. He was a leader.”
Apollo was like true north, a constant guiding presence in her life where she had very little others. Without him, her compass was spinning out of control.
“Apollo loved fencing. He loved the grace, the sportsmanship. He lived his life for it, by its rules.”
Wrong. Apollo lived his life for his father. For Ixia. Every breath, every decision, every moment was to be better so they’d finally see him. So he could be the person they needed him to be.
They saw him now, when it was too late, and they didn’t even bother to see him for what he really was.
For all their fighting, she had seen him, truly seen him. And he saw her, despite her walls and her snark and her ever persistent efforts to shove away everyone she cared about.
Apollo’s father shuffled his papers, turning to the last page. She had missed most of his speech. That was fine. It didn’t change anything.
“I love you, son. You’re with your mother now. I miss you both so much.”
She stayed long after the dirt was packed in, after everyone left. Even his father left, glancing at her like he didn’t know what to say. Then he ducked into his car and drove away.
Graves walked up to the fresh dirt, staring.
Was it cold, under there?
Her vision blurred. Her head pounded with the effort of keeping her tears inside.
What was the point? She squeezed her eyes shut. Then she let out a wail. The sobs thundered through her, painful and sharp. Her knees shook, and she let herself fall, slamming onto the dirt over him. She curled her fists, pebbles getting under her nails, and something in her broke.
She clawed at the ground, nails breaking against the rocks and skin tearing. Fling after fling after fling of dirt, clawing her way back to him, sobbing harder the longer it took to reach him. Her tears fell straight down and mixed with the dirt, leaving streaks of mud in its wake.
She screamed, because the world was loud and lonely and wouldn’t care. She screamed, because she was lonely and she did care.
She only made it a few inches deep before her hands were shaking too much to continue, blood dripping from her fingers. It barely hurt. She curled her fingers into her palm just to feel the sting of pain. It wasn’t enough. She screamed again, and again, and again, beating her fists into the ground.
“Why did you take him?”
The earth was unyielding.
“Why couldn’t you have taken me instead?”
No one came to comfort her.
“Why couldn’t I save him?”
She was the one to blame, after all.
She didn’t know the shot was coming. She should have realized, should have heard the haunting sound of the sniper as she floated through the air, creeping around corners of the buildings.
Apollo heard.
He had dived in front of her. And was shot in the head.
He had crumpled to her feet, lifeless and cold before she could even scream, red blood mixing into his skin. The shades were so close. You could barely tell anything was wrong.
She would have died there too, weeping over his body, if McGinnis hadn’t grabbed her and carried her away. She had screamed and cursed and punched, but the older woman just kept going.
She should have left her to die. She didn’t have anything good left to live for anyway.
She craned her neck to the sky, praying for some god to take her away too.
“Graves.”
Her entire nervous system jolted back to life.
“Graves, look at me.”
That couldn’t be his voice.
She looked back down to the graveyard to where Apollo was kneeling in front of her.
She lurched forward, trying to fall into his open arms. She phased right through him. Her mouth opened, but no cry came out.
Oh gods. Oh, gods, please, no. She was seeing his ghost. What a cruel trick, her necromancy.
She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or scream again.
Apollo looked at her sadly as she took him in, missing the feeling of him so profoundly that she really might die here too.
“Why didn’t you pass on yet?” she asked. He should be gone, peacefully resting wherever was beyond the realm of the living.
Apollo gave her a half shrug, the corners of his mouth pulling up into an almost wistful smile. “I had something I had to do.”
“I’ll help you. Anything. Just name it,” she said without hesitation.
He lifted his hand to her face, like he was about to tuck her bangs behind her ear, but he dropped his hand after a moment. For once in his life, it looked like Apollo didn’t know what to say. He bit his lip, and Graves’ heart leapt. If she didn’t say it now, she never would, and she needed to say it. He was here, right here, and she thought she’d never get this chance again.
“I love you,” Graves said in a hurry, emotions tumbling out of her in a torrential rain. “I’m sorry it took me so long to say that.”
“I knew,” Apollo said, voice even.
“You did?” she sniffled. Rubbing her sleeves against her eyes, she tried to inhale, but could only heave out more sobs. Gods. Here she was, breaking down and mortified. Of course her feelings were painfully obvious. If the worst day of her life hadn’t already happened, this would be it.
“Of course I did. Did you not know I loved you?” Apollo said, his eyebrows drawing together like he couldn’t believe her stupidity. He’d given her that look a thousand times in class.
Graves breath hitched. “No, I-“
“Graves. I died for you.” He smiled at her, and her heart broke all over again. “And I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
“I wish you hadn’t,” she wailed. “I wish it had been me.”
Apollo tilted his head. “I have no regrets. I just needed to say goodbye.”
Graves sobbed. “I can’t. I can’t.” She shook her head back and forth, her hair coming out of her hair ties. She must look completely undone. She was undone, and she could never be put back together.
“Please, darling. You have to.”
“How? How am I supposed to let you go?”
Apollo smiled, warm and brilliant and beautiful. “You’ve always been the stronger one. I know you can figure it out.”
She barked out a laugh, tears dripping into her mouth. All it took was him dying to admit that, huh? Apollo chuckled under his breath, holding up his hand to her face. She could almost feel his thumb brushing over her cheekbone.
“I love you, Darcy Graves. I always will.”
I love you too,” she wept. “I miss you already.”
“Goodbye, darling.”
“Goodbye,” she croaked out. Her voice gave up on her, splintering under the weight of her grief. Apollo moved forward, settling his lips over hers. She closed her eyes and pretended she could feel his warmth.
When she opened them again, Apollo was gone.